Rant Aftermath

A lot of people dismiss the sacred act of ranting for several reasons in my opinion:

(1) they do not wish to hurt another’s feelings, maybe they’re afraid to
(2) they are unsure of what they rant about and how they are to defend their claim
(3) they basically have given up on the system, and no longer bother
(4) in the first place, they just don’t give a damn

Ranting is faultfinding, make no mistake about that. But, raving about something that needs raving about is always a welcome idea. In my UP days, as with my high school days, I think I have complained and expressed my disgust on the system more than a lot of us. Yet I raise, there is a need to describe the current order of things. There is a need to speak up, and then do something about it. At times, I am given the position of power to initiate some reform. I am only human though. I am one lonely voice in a stream of ideas that, not generally, tend to go with the flow. Few people face the music and make their voice heard. Therefore, do not expect change to occur that easily. Positive change, that is. It can be amusing that from something so pessimistic, new hope springs forth.

Hope must spring forth. If one is to rant, I suppose one must have the following to back one up:

(1) the evidence to defend the predicate
(2) the will to face the consequences of one’s actions
(3) a relatively beneficial motive
(4) a solution attached to every claim, at least a silly proposal

I see the indifference, the unserious nature, even the pathetic misconduct in SOME, not all, of these entities:

(1) government
(2) university
(3) society in general
(4) life and love
(5) student organizations

Government because everything bad can just be everything good there. Sorry mom, I really have a bleak view of your offices. University because I really thought people meant business here most of the time. Society because its failure is the failure of everything it creates. Life and love because I am losing both. Student organizations because some of them just don’t get it…simple as that.

And mind you, they have the right to call you bitter, lunatic, KSP??? Sheeshkabobs! Look who’s talking now? Look who’s open to criticism and free discourse now?

I am well aware that I am to be nailed to the cross for the perfectionist in me. My proposals can seem if not impossible, near to crazy. Care to wonder where my ideas come from? I give more than due credit to church. Yes. My family draws a lot, if not all, morals from church. Whereas some people just would like to see the fault of another, I try to make it constructive using an idealist view given by a church. Corny isn’t it? I meant for this blog to be corny. It’s 7am on a Wednesday, I had sleeping cramps and my body simply aches to the max.

Going back to corny, how many of us ever considered tackling these corny topics?

Uhm, Oh Juliet let me count the ways. FEW. Yes, few. Forgive my sarcasm.

If this is a war between realists and idealists, I think I have more of my fair share of allies. I have Rania, Venus, and Grace to name a few. I SMSd Rania last night. I had an idea what her reply was. In these matters, we connect. Well, we connect on a lot of things anyway. I know for certain that most of Political Scientists, and humanity, are still in touch with their idealist side---the side that wishes that change may start though gradually.

I find utopia in nearly everything, basically because I have a God and a paradise notion. To the empiricist, they would simply dismiss this as my bias. Now I somehow understand why people are just so stubborn and proud. Now I get religious suicides, people who give up their lives, all their wealth to do charity work. NOW, I HOPE YOUR RATIONAL ASSUMPTION EXPLAINS THAT.

Can you explain why Sir Naval would donate his expensive car for a cause he believed in using causality of plausible variables A+B+C=E?

It demeans people you know. It makes them look self-serving. Partially? Yes. Entirely? NO!

We are irrational beings at times.

Ranting at times has done me some good. I overheard Pats Alcantara yesterday afternoon and was shocked at his little offer. Guess what? Another org! Guess what? A chance to earn money. He writes piles of articles for good pay. I said, wow. So he got his paycheck after leisurely ranting or commenting on society. As for the org part, I more than amazed. Having real intentions other than personal gain in writing a resume never has been better. You see, at times, I don’t force my way when it comes to orgs. At an earlier time sure I was excited that I barged in. Now, I let the opportunities come. Then I grab them in the hair. Know that Greek fiction Opportunity has only hair in the front part of the head. Once it passes, it’s gone for good.

I don’t collect orgs to have more friends or to feel secure. I have that and more. I join orgs in whose cause I find much joy as much as pain. God is my boss after all. Ciao!

Dahil naawa ako kay F1

Just happened to select the "show office assistant" option on my Word Help drop down box. Then pops out the robot character (if you know Clippit, he's one of fellow Office Assistants) named F1 ( I really looked up his name).

F1 is so cute. He has more significant animation movements, and he's one slick and savvy robot. As I said, he is so cute. Reminds me of... guess who? Me! Big eyes, loves to look around, innocent look? No longer do I have most of those features, particularly the innocent look feature. Now, I scare kids. Like in church a while back, there was this cute (again for lack of a cuter term) baby cuddled by his daddy who happens to work with me in our multimedia team. The baby looked at me and was like in awe of what monster stood in front. She was staring with eyes wide open. She struggled to break free from daddy's clutch out of some fear of what she saw.

Then I did a "funny" face. She cried. Cried softly. So I put on a corny face, pretending to beg for her to smile. She smiled.

And I said to myself: (what a wondeful world) "How can I possibly miss this for the world?" If only women were babies, and men could recall their childhood---other than that they pretended to be soldiers or they hunted down spiders.

F1 is cute. When I closed Word, there's this closing act where either F1 explodes or he gets pulled out of the picture. Both using coercion. If I were the creator of this application, I'd have something else. I'd make him bow or tip off his robot head, or make him dance gracefully rather than blow up or get pulled out.

There are no classes tomorrow. Babies don't care about that. I do. And yet to me, the world becomes far simpler if seen through simple eyes---where frameworks don't puzzle you or present glare to your vision.

I want to see things in the eyes of a baby. And yet, I want to be strong enough, notable enough to have right and say that something so simple as F1 is cute...and then sigh. Get me? We want to be in that higher sanctuary so that we can laugh at everyone. And yet when it gets to the finish line, you would have rather been one of your subjects than a tyrant who can't sleep his life through.

Mind you, I just finished watching Van Helsing. Hey, and I am not that heavy on my topic!

Life does not have a formula. It is a collection of idiosyncrasies. You decorate it. You say, I want to sleep than go to church. You may choose to join an organization and regret it in the end. You may fall in love, but wonder what your reasons were to begin with. Thing is, you give meaning to every moment.

And as the King of Jerusalem said: "(when you face God)...You can't say: "Oh but I was told to do such." or that virtue wasn't convenient at that time. No, this will not suffice."

Will I have this chance to raise a baby into a great man? Far ahead thinking, some may say. You have no idea how far into the future I contemplate on. I dream big, though I am small. And an ode to Dom my great confadant: It is a matter of understanding.

Hay Dom, will we ever have the chance to find the ones of our lives? I'll raise you a bet, like I did with Jason that you will find yours first before I find mine. Kristian, I would love to have the same bet. Why do I do this? Belittling myself? Making people feel good about themselves? No, I sincerely have faith that my time has not yet come, and that some people have theirs earlier.

(Sobs) And I don't want to adopt a kid!!! Buhuhuhu! Hehehe. Kidding.

My new theme song for the month: Hanggang Kailan by Orange and Lemons. Not only do I sing this song with feeling as if I were the original singer, I find some rhythm to it that pierces right through.

Like these lines: Di mapigilang mag-isip. Na baka sa tagal, mahulog ang loob mo sai iba. Nakakabalisa. Knock on wood wag naman sana....umuwi ka na baby.

Just imagine me singing this. Oh, am I so inspired today!

Hope the Buklod exhibit is. Do visit our website, once it is functional again---thanks Jeff!
JPGS Gen ass this Tuesday, need I say more? Hope we deliver the goods. AM working on the GPOA powerpoint presentation as we speak...rather, as I type.

It is a matter of understanding. It is a matter of being. Corny as it sounds...I consider it cute. God...make me cute...ahehehehe, make us cute, cute enough to feel better about ourselves and once and for all...just live.

A toast to the bitter man

Make no mistake about it, I am the bitter man. And what's worse than a bitter man? A real bitter day. There is one phrase that will describe how I feel today. That is the feeling of being betrayed. For some reason, that is how I feel today. Betrayed. It just came out of nowhere.

Well okay it did come from somewhere. My theory is: that it just came to me after I heard some bad news about a friend of mine. Nothing bad happened to my friend, she just gave me disappointing news.

It is clear to me that I have no power to influence my friends over certain decisions of theirs. It is apparent that I cannot manipulate their thoughts toward my liking. But at that moment, I wish I had the power. I wish I had enough charisma or appeal in me to make that friend choose something I'd really like for her. Reality is, I could not. Reality is, I have nothing much to offer outside my own product, or my own words. If there's one of few things business and love have in common, it is this: players can not mess with some other person's free will, ideally.

Some people, they just have this ability to change the environs and force people or convince them to go contrary to convention. Me, I rely on rhetoric. Sometimes I wish I was this dude in a Nissan X-trail driving to school wearing fitting shirt and slick jeans with matching shades. The dude who reaches for his trendy phone and then grabs his car alarm and the car does that "doot doot" sound. I wish that at times...be glamor boy, and have enough brains and heart to spill over girls out there.

Case is, I am not Mr. Perfect. I lack on some things women die for. For one, I have low self-esteem. Two, I'm a simple guy with grand dreams that are hard to understand. Three, well, I'm not a lot of people's type. But it's my problem I guess.

You know that groom in the movie, when it's the wedding seen, then the bride is about to say I do? Then this man in shining armor says he objects. Aww and the lady leaps into his arms. Not much is said about Mr. Poor Bye Bye for his role has ended, there isn't much air time for losers. For variation, you know dating flicks...guy and girl engaged and then after a one night stand, Ms. girl has new perspective on things and dumps mr. long-term relationship for mr. right? Sheesh.

IT IS UNFAIR. Mind you, I am mr.long-term relationship, I am the man waiting for my bride BUT COME TO THINK OF IT, I am not mr. right and am not at all deserving to be a groom for a lot of ladies. THis has nothing to do with how I feel betrayed, it just augments the feeling.

Grace has this feeling that I'm sort of rushing things when it comes to intimate relationships. In more ways than one, that is correct.

Marian comforts herself in knowledge that she might be an old maid and quite bluntly, die alone. In more ways than one, that is incorrect.

But me? I'm the one who gets left out to smile while the world spins so fast and gives me the look as if saying: "Where have you been all this time bucko?"

Selfish. Me talking about me...that's selfish. But a good friend in Rania told me once: "people have bad days". I agree, and I'm having one right now. Isn't it obvious I'm demanding so much attention here? I do not command attention, I demand it sometimes. That's wrong.

Christianity encourages us to set examples and let the people be enlightened by our actions. It's not the other way around where you impose your doctrine on people. RELEVANCE friends.

I am a bitter man. I think I should embrace my childhood pillow, the one I have a wrestling match with every night for the past n-years. I think I should bury my head and cry. But wait, I have no tears to shed. I have to mask my emotions and pretend to be strong more often than not. In 110, sure I was happy. I felt dominant. I felt great. After lunch, I felt weak. I felt humbled. I felt betrayed because one simple bad news. But I could only blame myself.

It's not that this friend of mine meant something more to me than all the rest. It was just the timing of when she said it. I wasn't prepared. But in life, I guess I never was fully prepared. Taking to account the stupidities I have done to have a relationship, you would certainly agree.

Just like I was never prepared to take the plunge and earn a 5 in math 17. You know, bad memories tend to band together more easily than happy thoughts. Actually they do a heck better job.

Tomorrow, I face economics, ps 171 and ps 150. Saturday, I face ps 167 and prod work for Buklod CSSP. Monday, 110 and geog 171. Tuesday, a General Assembly and all the stuff it necessitates. Repeating cycles. Yes, perhaps that's why I feel so low.

I am getting sick and tired of routine. If you have a lot of plans in life, most certainly a year of routine can make you sick and worse, loose your idealism. Too late to complain now.

But if perhaps I imagined myself ten years from now, maybe a teacher of pol sci 180, or a junior ambassador, or someone in UN; it may just be better for Mr. Bitter.

I am slowly giving up on the corruption that is our people. In UP, evident. Everywhere, evident. Truly, is there still room for passion, creativity, ideas, vision, and life itself?

I take a look at the executive summary waiting to be accomplished, I find the answers and smile. God be my witness, for in this world, who can be?

Consider it done

Eto mga friends ang phase sa isang sem na katatapos ng midterms, alam mong may mga nakaatang pa na papers, pero ayaw mo muna isipin. This is the time of the sem when everything comes to a halt, much credit to your deliberate attempt to make it so. Oh the emnity. I call this time, the "consider it done" phase.

I don't want it to end.

Yes, consider it done. As far as midterms are concerned, yes they are done...finished, tapos, todas.

ECON WAS A ewan. Had to have a debate with Sir Rene, an econ grad from Ateneo just to make sure I had some right answers to celebrate about...buhuhuhu!

And yes, consider it done. As far as a future of long term papers, more exams, field work, org work...yes they have to be done...gagawin, aatupagin, charot (for a lack of a better catchy term).

Ayokong mag-isip. Ayoko. Kahit yung report sa rational actor bukas, ayokong basahin. This is my choice. My choice to defy everything GEEKISH. My choice to be in this net cafe, texting friends, waiting for 4 o'clock to arrive for a youth ministry meeting. To me, that makes more sense. To me, for now, it does make more sense.

Naramdaman nyo na ba yun? You want to do something right and be the good guy, but apparently your system does not want to budge. Forgive me for explaining things in general terms, but I guess it has to be. I could not define this feeling, hanging by a moment.

So what does matter to me aside from these extra-curriculars and community stuff that take up 50% of my time, 65% my energy? Here are but a few:

Grai. I am not clear on what that guy wants, but at times, do not deny yourself the right to feel something that hurt you before. Second chances. It varies over time and people. Tis up to you to see right through him. But is it your problem anyway?

Kristian. You still haven't told me what in me made me complacent? Much of the best this Wednesday. I don't know if I was being too sensitive, but I felt uneasy about a person after econ exam. Why bother?

Marian. People around you should know better. They should tell you to wear make up. But never for a moment think that I prefer women who powder themselves with make-up. Natural beauty. My mom and I argue a LOT on this, she loves make-up...I don't like clowns...hahaha (joke, my mom looks like a Hollywood actress in its peak days in the 1960s ...u know that Audrey Hepburn type...haha)


Sa LAHAT NG JPGS PEOPLE: I hope I don't disappoint. Interested parties, lapitan lang ang big daddy ng geog...that's me ahahaha. Tandaan tues 5:30 sa PH 204 ang Gen Orientation, we might have a workshop this Wed afternoon. Not to worry, I believe in this cause... and I will have to make you believe. Again, Geog isn't about maps and capitals...tis everything spatial in this world...the natural and the social. Thanks for investing in this venture I am much certain will pay off...haven't been this excited bout an ORG, partially cause am part of the fouding process....that doesn't come that often...that something so big and so interesting becomes so open to us UP peepz.

BUKLOD CSSP ANNIV NA!!! Wow, loaded, prod work pa lang hilo na ako but tis all good!

Am out of bright ideas, or anything to talk about. But in the end...it will all be said and done... God willing, I can say: Consider it done!

The one that got away

The one that got away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared
something special, ones who will always mean
something. There's the one you
first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you
lost your virginity to, the
one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...
and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that
person with who everything was
great, everything was perfect, but the timing was
just wrong. There was no
fault in the person, there was no flaw in the
chemistry, but the cards just
didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner
that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I
can actually argue that an
equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to
do with the matter of
timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle
down and commit to someone
in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of
giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even
realizing it? When you're not
ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't
matter who you're with, it
just doesn't work. Small problems become big;
unconsequentials become
dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and
it shows. It's not that you
and the person you're with are no good; it's just
that it's not yet right, and
little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And
when this happens you'll be ready
to settle down with someone. He or she may not
be the most perfect, they might
not be the brightest star of romance to ever have
burned in your life, but
it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because
it's the right time and
you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really
will.

So that day comes when you're finally making
sense of things, and you find
yourself to be a different person. Things are
different, your approach is
different, you finally understand who you are and
what you want, and you've
become ready because the time has truly arrived.
And mind you, there's no
telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're
single but you could be in a
long-term relationship, you could be married with
three kids, it doesn't
matter. All you know is that you've changed, and
for some reason, the one that
got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll
wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with
me as I am and not as I
was?"
That's what the one that got away is. The
biggest "What if?" you'll have in your
life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got
away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy
tale you think your marriage
is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully
you're mature enough to
realize that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another
test of your commitment, one which will just
strengthen your marriage when you
get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every
so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but
it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's
already married. In which case it's
the same thing. You just have to accept and know
that your memories of that
person will probably bring a nice little smile to your
lips in the future when
you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's
different.
What do you do if it's
not yet too late?

Simple...find him, find her. Because the very
existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder, what if you got
that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it
doesn't matter if you've
dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised,
you just might be "the one
that got away" as well for the person who is
your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't
make a difference. If the
timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into
place
somehow and you know,
I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end,
to be able to say to
someone,

"Hey you, you're the one that ALMOST got away."

A strange feeling

Ever came from an exam where you felt a bit uneasy...okay...rather unsure of your performance that the only thing that will calm your nerves down is the very sight of a passing mark of that exam?

This is how I feel now about the 110 exam we took some hours ago. I don't know if I put enough there to earn a great score, heck, I don't even know if I am to get a respectable score. More often than not, outside math, this feeling means something good is about to happen with the exam. Sometimes it's unexpectedly passing, at times, it's getting that lovely "one".

But we all know that somewhere out there in time, an exception is about to occur...and more often than not...it can hurt big time.

Hmmm, another sensation tingling up my spine...celebration mood! Two of my organizations are celebrating either an anniversary or a launching this month to early September. BK or Buklod will have its anniversary, highlighting fourteen years of service to the college which also means the longest run for any party in campus. I do not know whether or not emphasizing this would do us good or spell disaster due to this proposition: What if people make Buklod's dominance as reason not to vote for it next elections? I myself am a bit weary of this thought. Rumors are all about. But I think most of you know that there are three, not two, major parties or coalitions now battling for university supremacy: the red, the blue, and the yellow.

I keep on thinking though, why not black? Black is definitive of leadership...by the way. It is not of darkness or the color of the devil. Psychological studies do back up the claim that black is the color of greatness, of leadership, of grand things.

Besides, you can't go wrong wearing black. It's always in. Well, just make sure there's a complement color---which is easier than say finding a color combo for pink or neon green. I love green by the way, dark green...so cool to the eyes, besides I was used to coloring my grade school works of art with green mainly because I was fond of drawing mountains and nothing else.

The Junior Philippine Geographical Society continues its surge as one of the hotter organizations in the campus. For those who ask, yes I am very very much involved in the cause. It is a professional organization for geog enthusiasts. AS for the moment, founding membership will be granted to all parties (bonafide undergrad studes of UPD). Then? An application process I do hope will keep up with its professional function.

Third feeling that is peculiar to me...that of outright frustration. Does it get to your head...a rush of blood?

The Filipinos should consider three important national virtues it has that may have been part of the reason for where we are and are heading to: (this according to US Ambassador to Cambodia Mussonelli (?))

1. Being loyal
2. Easy to forgive and forget
3. Resilient

and I add the fourth: faultfinding

Imagine where being loyalty to kin, barangay, or ethnic group has led us to. Imagine where forgiving and forgetting past crimes has led us to.
Imagine where resiliency to present conditions and living CONTENT has led us to.
Imagine where faultfinding instead of following a national vision has led us to.

Yes, they are more positive than they are detrimental to growth, in ESSENCE. Now think again, and I will not say more.

Another thing that made me boil over was our experience supporting, yes supporting OUR national team to the Wushu Federation. Our church has a program called More than Medals that supports athletes with potential but not given ample support by the government.

Here's why:

1. They (our national coaches and officials) say a twelve year old girl is too young and won't stand a chance.
2. They stay in thousand dollar suites while our athletes are given canned sardines for a protein meal.
3. Or they may demand that our players not eat in a buffet for participants.
4. They give a STAINED NATIONAL FLAG for display in the opening ceremony. It is so bad that a representative has to sign a paper stating that the flag was stained to begin with.
5. When our supported team wins a silver and stunned the world, they say they should be thanked after making "internal arrangements."

what really shocked and awed me to point of breaking down was this:

6. The father tells her daughter that she wins because of good looks.

DAMN. DAMN. That's all, God save this country.

I have some things to say to those who can't help themselves but defy the government, any administration, and any initiative if any. This taken from a frustrated middle class man... I added some.

1. Pay your taxes before you have right to say your money is stolen by corruption, let alone say that you contribute much to your country.
2. Help your government for just once and see where it takes you...for a change...please for a change...And please, enough of vague terms like alienation without operationalization.
3. Armed struggle is the highest form of activism according to you, not to everyone else.
4. Beware your labels or what you brand people with. Don't return the favor, if they call you extremists don't play with mud and call them fascists. Be ready to defend your predicate.
5. You win by playing by the rules. If the rules don't serve you fairly, don't kill everyone to make sure you're the only one left. Example, why not try submission instead of subversion for a start? Sobriety please.

Who are the masses? What is the Philippines? the elitist? the rallyist? the one who gets a paycheck with taxes reduced? or those who don't give a shit?

What a sad combination of faces, but these are faces of prominence here.

And MIND YOU, there is some truth in saying that: U.P. is a microcosm of this society. We (UP people) fail...some fail...then all else fails.

To those who have a God, think of it that he puts leaders where they are. Make sure they (leaders) listen to you, or pray they do and pray you can do something helpful too...God will respond.

And isn't it reassuring of your faith to know that the world losing faith in God and all the morality and ethics of this world already has been predicted since when, I don't know? It's funny, people say they are correct, while Rorty states no it is out of solidarity of communities. Haha, well, what if prophets had already foreseen the post-modern thought as one of them part of a grand design for the world? If this is true, then all thoughts attempting to take us away from belief in a higher order of things are false. Haha, if this is true. I hope that it, or one version of it does hold.

Last strange feeling: a beating heart. I don't feel my heart nor listen to it beating. I don't know why, I never thought my love life will ever go on or have fruiful end. I just hoped. Some hours back, it happened again. I know it's only a trick. I know it's the devil again, or something maybe a chicken piece stuck at the airpath.

I want to live. I want to be part of a revolution that will help my people be what they have to be---no short of great. But changing the system is not enough. Maybe it should start with me and all the way up instead.

I want to love someone new. I made this clear some blogs back. I just can't make the right move, can't decide on whether I am to break free or seal my fate by making another stupid mistake.

Am I desperate? I have a feeling that people think I am. Well, as far as the people in the Council Office see me, I think I am.

Alas, I have one life. She has one life. You have one life. If it can't be special, then it can't be worth living.

My fate is not sealed. But there are people who think they can close their doors so easily and end your efforts. My fate is not revealed yet.

One type of person I do not like is one who lives in pretention. I know at times I am guilty of keeping my feelings to myself. It is only perhaps through this blog that I am to shed some light from within. I am guilty, she might be. Others are also guilty of this---such dishonesty.

Walking home beneath the AS Parking Lot treeline, I think. Who can I trust? Do I become a pragmatist, suspicious of people around me? Do I become a blatant realist? Do I become a prick, always looking behind ready to strike? My judgment was clouded. Constantly, I try to put things for their positive value, perhaps at times, setting aside their real worth. Then I hear a voice and I see a dear friend. If she's reading this, she'll know by the instant. I give her a sharp but happy look, remind her of a meeting the next day...tomorrow.

Quite frankly, I am losing prospect of tomorrow. The corruption of the world? The ending of all times?

In the end, I stick to my ideals and breathe in...then smile. It'll be alright. I am blessed. You are blessed.

For a feeling I want to learn how to feel....
For a person out there who might smile back....
For a love that is not my doom....

Oh poetry, bind me in righteousness!

Oh am I so happy!!!!

Again...

Thanks and God bless!

Everything but the girl

And so I round up this week with another edition of me and my wishful thinking...

I have not much to say but say itself, I have nothing much to ask for than a question itself, I have not much to live for than live for everything else....

Reading through the lines you'll find out that I'm just using word play to quench my insatiable thirst for doing something great about nothing...notice people, I'm using pronouns to transmit concepts here!

Here goes everything and anything...and at random if I may

I should have lent Mara my umbrella and let myself take the drizzle and the gail-force winds as we (APSM people) walked or shall I say braved the storm from Econ to Palma....it was the least I could do, if only I didn't think much about the very motives of my actions and attempts.

Bring home the bacon and eggs a...kappalakasan na! GO PS!!

I should have taken Ayen all the way to Psych Building. Ayen praises me for being such a gentleman. Well, I am not much...but perhaps I took her to the gate instead of letting her cross the street alone would be much proof of gentlemanship remaining in me.

I should have gone to Econ class. And let that be the end of it.

I should have studied for 150 recitation. All I did back there some hours ago was stutter and get lost in the vastness of my thoughts while ma'am Rebullida was giving me the impatient smile.

I should have waited for the next jeepney, the one with a wider pathway inside. That be so that I wouldn't have had my jeans stained.

I should have been less talkative about personal stories to Marian last time around. I never anticipated her reaction. To begin with, making her rememember painful memories that has nothing to do with me and her was not in my to-do list for the day. Sorry =(

I say this again. Sometimes, it's better if we guys let the girls do the talking. BUT, isn't it also true that when guys keep shut and give that stare instead girls tend to think two things for a start: "That the dude is interested in my face and nothing else." or two, "He's a great conversation piece...I wish he could have said more. We could have connected you know."

I should have given the fifty peso bill to the jeepney driver. That way I shouldn't have gone through the rigors of getting my bill changed for coins because the next jeepney I took had none.

I should have saved money left from this week's allowance. I am now in a fiscal crisis wherein my average cost of living is being pulled up big time by variable costs, sometimes, externalities.

I should have spoken to Rania in our little heart-to-heart talk in Econ about many things that DO matter. Then again, I'm glad I didn't take much of her time. Thanks Rani, much appreciated!

I should have stayed with Mau and Grace in that foggy evening waiting for an SM jeep. I was rather intolerant. Forgive me girls, I tried to stay. I wanted to make sure both of you were sitting down there...happy. So selfish of me to just pack up and go home. ALSO, I should have offered Ferdie a walk home..please pray for his sprained foot.

I should have played basketball instead of mumbling senseless things on my sound recorder. Believe it or nor, I have confessions right here in my PC....haha!

I should have told my mom that I have already done stupid things for love in UP, and I think I'll be doing just that in no time. She knows a bit, she approves...but she's also hasty. I am.

Haven't been that open to mom lately, and I hate it.

I should have congratulated Farrah for her great report. Anyone care to disagree?! Haven't been disappointed in any one report in 110...well, my report, I still have afterthoughts. I could have gone deeper and more scholastic you know. Again, congrats..Celine...good luck...

But then, better shut up and give people the smile instead. Just a foray, I think I'll never ever have a deep enough conversation with other people, particularly girls for this reason:

I DON'T DESERVE MUCH ATTENTION.

I start a conversation with hello. I go on ask her name, age, course and those details that have become a part of the SOP. Thing is, after SOP I go to SOS. I don't know what to say...not that I don't have interest, or have anything interesting to say...am just tongue tied. TORPE! TORPE the TORPEDO dapat tawag sa akin...I fear the very look of disinterest in a girl...and for the times I had much desire for a lady...same dilemma and poof ...deado.

buhuhu.

I should have not spilled Pepsi Blue all over the council office jumping like a wet dog. I jumped all around while the pressure escaped from the Blue. I didn't know what to do. I should have covered it but I am a MAN, and we're kinda slow and panicky on these occasions. SHUKS!!!

I should have taken more time to attend BUKLOD, JPGS, VOLCORPS, PAHINUNGOD, SUB, lahat-lahat na patong-pating meeting, promote this, do that, prod work, research work, AAAAAAHHHH God, let alone church work I can't ever set as second priority. Acads. Acads. I am first a student. But isn't it also true that I am first a citizen, a Christian, a family member and a friend before I am a student? Guys, babawi talaga ako..pag Papa Bear na ako!

By the way, for those who asked...yes I am a member of Buklod CSSP (MALAPIT NA ANNIV WEEK WHOOHOOOH!), and no I don't think that makes me a lesser Pol Sci student...whoever punk came up with that idea? Just is despicable to hear that remark from a Pol Sci major...appalling! So we are the critical ones ei? Sorry, good ol Papa Bear ain't home, stress has brought out the more rational practical Grizzly bear...grrrr! heheh!

And yes, thanks for showing interest in the Junior Philippine Geographical Society. Yes, founding membership lahat ng papasok, yes this is a professional national org, yes this is National Geographic stuff and then some..geog is more than maps and capitals---it's in urban planning, movies, arts, geology...name it!

Heck even blogging---the concept of personal space is geographic!

Be one of us nyark 5:30 ng Tues of August sa PH204....see posters and print ads

I should have written about another topic. OR I should not have blogged in the first place.

With 110 and econ up there, papers in 171 (right Celine?) and 150 (go tropang n8) knocking on my door...what's there to blog???

I REPLY, THERE's EVERYTHING ALL AROUND US AND WE JUST COULD NOT SEE IT.

We're given this once chance to pass by and be mortals and all we could think of is playing safe, securing our future, and making ourselves look great. And who'll be the judge of that? Hope it's your barangay not your barber alone.

We become so cruel to people we're annoyed to. We become so protective of ones we do not want to let go of.

Mau, Farrah and Celine..Jason...Xtian....James... Marian...Ate Arianne Reyes at Pau Caspellani hehe...Dom...Louie......Rani...even you Grai, my official circle of advisers (may permission pa yan) andami no???!!, marami pa from n8 mga consultants like sila ANn superb dancing diva, Jhe, Gayle etc I do hope you're reading this... if ever I am to seek for the woman of my dreams be certain of these seven things:

1. You know her. Or you will be the first to know her.
2. Before I make any stupid move, I have first sought the kingdom of God and his righteousness.
3. There is not much impulse in this, but a combination of emotion and rational thinking.
4. I by that time full understand my motives.
5. I am ready, including finances and all.
6. That I know what it is to like and what it is to love...you like someone you love but it does not work the other way around.
7. That before I do, I will be confident...in myself, that you guys out there have your companions na rin or at least I helped inspire you to not confine your feelings....not quel it...not be hypocritical..but face the music and live your life...

GOD FILL US UP...with what? hmmm, sunshine???Hhehehehe!

Dancing in the dark

Hold off on making up your mind about someone until you have all the facts -- remember, facts, not conjecture -- about them in place. This relationship is far too valuable to toss just on some hearsay.---galing sa Friendster horoscope...I don't know what to say...ewan lang talaga...

I've never in my recent life ever wanted to listen to Bruce Springsteen. When I was a child of course I had no choice but dig the music my parents frequently listened to---no wonder I sill like the Beatles, Bee Gees, and hmm...the Cascades and Critters. You guys should here the Critters track titled "dyingly sad". Going back to Bruce, after hearing his unbelievably smooth vocals in that one song entitled "dancing in the dark", I immediately had to rethink my opinion on the rock and roll legend.

I received another testimonial from a familiar face, happens to be one of my closer friends from high school, implying that I should not try to fit in the crowd, but instead be myself and stand out.

A discussion on this matter will take me to circular argumentation, using abstract terms as my variables, and addressing the moral dimension of things---all three, thanks to 110 are rather inadmissible but still of use in the empirical studies and the search for what is true.

So, instead of laboring on a subject matter that may just as well be an attempt to shoot for the curvature of the moon, I shift my attention to the other less pressing question in life: WHAT IF?

I'd like to bring back several elements of my personality that I'd like to think were simply lost from my moral fabric rather than lost completely. In other words, I deliberately hid some things about me that I now long for.

This is not an appeal to the senses or a plea for salvation, this is more or less a declaration of what I am beneath the skin. Yes, I am total agreement with the suggestion that I should not try so hard to be part of the mainstream---doing what many do, living the life others usually envision for themselves. But I add that I am not an island, and at times, it becomes more than necessary to share the same boat---sinking or not. See the battle of cliches and principles here? No wonder some go on with their life subscribing to nothing, the very pragmatist doomsday of thinking of men cometh as it were.

But that's for serious discussion, am on the other hand, more than smiling today: how come? Maybe I inhaled laughing gas from the diesel, maybe I saw the faramones, maybe I just had enough of being sick and serious that perhaps I realized that I could only go up...up...and away.

So here is a rundown of several things I would like to be doing or at least be capable of doing again:

1. Look a girl in the eye and have no feeling that the girl has an untoward suspicion about me imagining her and me together. Huh? Look a girl straight in the eye like a friend and that woman won't return the favor with much doubt about your intentions. It's just a get up and leave it alone thing we guys have.

2. Sing in the rain. I COMPLETELY MISS bathing in the rain, let alone singing. Now, this is a rather unpleasant sight wherein you have neighbors in their high walls looking down while you strut a crazy note or two. I made sure when I was a kid that I at least for two times in a year experienced the drizzle and what freedom it gave me. Truly, it was a liberating moment. Not to mention it helps expand your diaphragm.

3. Being class president. Haha, now this is ego-feeding at its best! No kidding, I miss detaining class officers for a meeting to escape haircut inspection;not that I had long hair (I always have an army-cut), but that it was time consuming to stand there waiting in line while the prefect did nothing but chew gum or give out detention slips. That's only the beginning. I miss the thrill of organizing the class, the satisfaction you get when your party goes well, academic standings reach an all-time high, winning the altar-making contest because you had more gays than the other class...the thrill of it. Not that I don't see it in college organizations I am in; it's just the youthful feeling of command you have. Now, being execom of certain orgs, it's a far more serious ball game.

4. Experimenting with shampoos and food. I like mixing things up and then trying them. So I put Milo or Ovaltine in my rice, add butter as a side dish, or cook noodles and bombard it with condiments...and yes place more eggs than I can take sunny side up. Shampoo is another thing.

5. Watching cartoons. Yes, cartoons made me shed a tear or two : the time when voltes five used the killer sword, or when shaider would prevail, when sesame street puppets made that group hug...putcha ayoko na.

Speaking of crying, kanina asa fx ako nag-aantay mapuno dun sa pila. E may katapat ako, halos katapat pala na babae...mukhang freshie na di mapalagay. Dinadaan-daanan ko ng tingin ng biglang nag-burst into tears. Kanina pa pala siya nag-aantay makaalis...ewan siguro galing siya sa org meeting or app thing tapos nabalitaang may emergency...that type. Sobrang awang awa na ako kasi pinupukpok na nya yung bag nya...para talaga siyang nahihibang, toying with her hair and giving an extremely worried stare. Iniisip ko noon, bayaran ko na yung natitirang seat para lumarga na kami...kasi parang kulang na transpo pambayad nung girl para sa isa pang fifteen peso discharge. Nag-antay ako ng dalawang minuto...di ko alam pero asar na talaga ako sa sarili ko, hysterical na yung babae e. E tila tulala naman yung mga tao sa paligid, yung sanay na makatagal sa mga ganoong pakiramdam ng kapwa nila...namanhid na o nagkikimkim din ng awa. To make it short, eventually bumyahe na kami...di naman ako napagastos tapos yung girl talaga sobrang relieved..lam nyo yun parang batang nabunutan ng ipin.

Naasar talaga ako sa sarili ko. Asan na ang gentleman ngayon? Asan na. Kasi lahat naman ng PR skills mo alang silbe, lahat ng accalades alang magagawa kung ni isang kawawang babae di mo man lang matignan, matulungan man lang....sumabog talaga puso ko, sobra...nung bumaba na at nagtatakbo yung babae, sinundan ko talaga ng tingin..sobrang guilt... I should have paid for the last seat, saved her two minutes of crying and went on with our separate lives....thing is, baka makita ko sa peyups to...awwww.

6. My heart skipping a bit. Now, I have to admit that I'm that picky when it comes to crushes...specially back then as compared to now when everyone thinks I'm that impulsive or emotional about relationships. Has something to do with being a child I guess. I'm a real ass, even as a youngster. Girls talk to me, invite me to play bahay-bahayan, and I keep my head down, look them in the eye, and then look down without uttering much of a word, Old habits die hard I guess...but when i do find HER>>>MY golly, I know my hear's gonna pound. It happened once, it happened again nothing much happened and I'm glad I kept it that way...how foolish and selfish of me to be so consumed with my wants and needs.

7. Bugging my mom to buy me toys. now I have a new definition of a TOY, but due to the price of these toys, bugging my mom has become such a task. Speaking of toys, I have this collection of action figures that I really want to increase in number...not much of a collector. By the way, playing with toys helped me become the speaker that I am big time...I mean forget the speaker's training, if I didn't have play time...go figure.

I just want people around me to smile and feel good about themselves kaya nga kanina just to start a conversation or at minimum, make them smile kahit pilit.

Sabi ko sa kanila:
Kay Louie: I like your hair!
Celine: HELLO!
Farrah: Oh, musta naman tayo diyan? ....tama ba naman tumakbo sa ulan?!
Grai: Hello grai (in a very manly fashion)
Mau: (I give her the innocent smile)
Rania: (gave her a long congratulations message and then some)
Mica: HELLO!
Dom: (he greeted me)
Sherwin: HELLO!
Mayette: (a candid smile)

and the list goes on...God grant you words far better than my creations.

Last thing: I wonder how do people texting really look like when they put the smiley faces in their messages...pilit kaya..delikadesa kaya...o talgang all smiles sila? Hmmm.

Isang pasada

Time to break the cycle...

1. Pinagnilayan ko kanina kung ano ang mangyayari sa tropang pol sci pagkatapos umakyat sa entablado at makuha ang diploma. Malamang wala naman akong hahagkan, wala naman akong hahalikan (God forbid...umaasa pa ako). Malamang hanggang kaway na lang ako at smile sa graduation day. Tanong ko, meron kayang hahalik sa akin, meron kayang yayakap sa akin maliban sa magulang at ilang katropa ko?

2. Which leads to number to two. Karapat-dapat ba akong halikan, kurutin, bigyan ng affection o lambing man lang? There's a fine delineating line between me and great men like Louie, Jason, Kristian and Dominic. They get the goods...I don't deserve any. How's that again? Wala akong ibubuga sa appeal ng mga to. It's pretty obvious, girls get the good signals from them, girls relate with them better, girls find peace in their presence. I'm envy them in a very good way because I know the anomaly is me....ako ang kasiraan sa magagadang lalaki ng pol sci. Hindi dapat ako magtaka...it's like parang may isang sticker sa noo ko na nagsasabing: OKAY, NEXT PLEASE o kaya OKAY, LUBAYAN MO AKO PAGKATAPOS MO MAG-HELLO. Ewan, ganoong kababa tingin ko sa sarili ko minsan.

I do not mean to project myself as this, pero kanina sa reflection time namin sa youth ministry napag-alaman ko na ganoon nga minsan ang palagay nila sa akin---seryoso, sobrang out of place o nagpapa-out of place, troubled. Which IS NOT THE CASE.

I need a hug. I need to hibernate...but I can't...the forces that be.

3. Na napunta naman sa number three, bakit ba ako ganoon? Sa miting namin sa Buklod na tinatawag ko ngayon na BK barang burger stop diba? As I was saying, dun sa miting, tulala ako. Sa dyip, turete ako...alang matinong masabi kay Grai...Sa mall, sinusubo ko at nginunguya dahan-dahan ang fries habang ang mata ay nakatuon sa kawalan ng sahig. Sa bahay, nag-videoke tapos kain, tapos tingin sa notes...mamaya na lang. I am living in a vicious cycle of habits and guilty pleasures. Have I reached point of breaking? I'd like to think that other people have bad days, and some live far worse lives than mine. But still...

Papers, midterms, extra-curriculars, church, politics? Not everyone's cup of tea.

4. Pang-apat, nabubuhay ako sa isang pangarap. Speaking of, nasa dyip ako kanina (what's new?) e di may bata, na may kasamang dalagita...ate nya malamang. Naamoy ko yung fragrance ng pabango nung dalaga. Napa-shet ako na pabulong kasi lam ko yun na yun yung amoy ng isa nating batchmate at katropa. Nadulas lang. Tngin yung bata sabi sa ate: ata, nagmura yung lalaki. SIYETE, sira nanaman ang imahe hahaha. Buhay nga naman sa isang pangarap...

Ang realidad. Tanong ng tanong si inay dito: Itatapon na ba natin ito? Ako naman, hindi ng hindi. Groge ako rumaragasa ang sipon sa kambal ilog ng aking ilong: si Tigris at Euphrates, ayoko na pag-isipan kung may halaga pa ang mga bagay na luma sa akin. Sorry kung graphic, sorry talaga... Pero kung meron mang bagay na may halaga---eto ay ang isang conversation.

Grai, salamat sa conversation. Even a blank stare okay na, pero ikaw, you bring it on! Go girl! Kaw naman Marian...ewan di kita matimpla ever!

Are my blogs readable? I need a critique. Then again, I will pay not much attention to it. I am me. I know I may not be the perfect man in shining shimmering splendid armor to many people. But to my dear friend in Archi, to my cousins in La Salle, katoto in Ateneo and UP Engg, to my pals in Pol Sci, my peepz in Buklod, my brethren in Church, my fellowmen....LET THERE BE WORLD PEACE hahaha....I can only be myself. To the tindero ng taho, to the counter girl na lagi kong napipilahan sa Mcdo Robinson's Metro East, sa gwardya at agent ng Globe Business Center na tinatanong ko bout my dream phone, sa mga kasama sa alumni office, sa mga batang nginignitian ko sa kalye, sa mga Gen Lnkers good luck sa UPCAT...sa lahat....

Kahit na dun sa nakikinig sa mga greetings ko sa RT 99.5 FM.]

they find much joy in me, being myself. Bend me, twist me, hurt me...I have much faith in someone far beyond anyone's comprehension.

Kaya pag b-day ko sa Pebrero, sa PPSA trip sa OCtober (SUMAMA KAYO A!), sa Pasko, sa lahat, at kahit na sa pag-graduate di ako nag-aalala.

Halikan nyo man ako, kurutin o deadmahin kung inggit lang...ikaw yun, ibahin nyo kami.

It boils down to what they have to say, how much you have touched them...that does not mean how many times they hug, kiss, scream for you or do crazy stuff in your hnor...

Legacy friends...your gift to God...and let that be the bottomline...beep beep!