A strange feeling

Ever came from an exam where you felt a bit uneasy...okay...rather unsure of your performance that the only thing that will calm your nerves down is the very sight of a passing mark of that exam?

This is how I feel now about the 110 exam we took some hours ago. I don't know if I put enough there to earn a great score, heck, I don't even know if I am to get a respectable score. More often than not, outside math, this feeling means something good is about to happen with the exam. Sometimes it's unexpectedly passing, at times, it's getting that lovely "one".

But we all know that somewhere out there in time, an exception is about to occur...and more often than not...it can hurt big time.

Hmmm, another sensation tingling up my spine...celebration mood! Two of my organizations are celebrating either an anniversary or a launching this month to early September. BK or Buklod will have its anniversary, highlighting fourteen years of service to the college which also means the longest run for any party in campus. I do not know whether or not emphasizing this would do us good or spell disaster due to this proposition: What if people make Buklod's dominance as reason not to vote for it next elections? I myself am a bit weary of this thought. Rumors are all about. But I think most of you know that there are three, not two, major parties or coalitions now battling for university supremacy: the red, the blue, and the yellow.

I keep on thinking though, why not black? Black is definitive of leadership...by the way. It is not of darkness or the color of the devil. Psychological studies do back up the claim that black is the color of greatness, of leadership, of grand things.

Besides, you can't go wrong wearing black. It's always in. Well, just make sure there's a complement color---which is easier than say finding a color combo for pink or neon green. I love green by the way, dark green...so cool to the eyes, besides I was used to coloring my grade school works of art with green mainly because I was fond of drawing mountains and nothing else.

The Junior Philippine Geographical Society continues its surge as one of the hotter organizations in the campus. For those who ask, yes I am very very much involved in the cause. It is a professional organization for geog enthusiasts. AS for the moment, founding membership will be granted to all parties (bonafide undergrad studes of UPD). Then? An application process I do hope will keep up with its professional function.

Third feeling that is peculiar to me...that of outright frustration. Does it get to your head...a rush of blood?

The Filipinos should consider three important national virtues it has that may have been part of the reason for where we are and are heading to: (this according to US Ambassador to Cambodia Mussonelli (?))

1. Being loyal
2. Easy to forgive and forget
3. Resilient

and I add the fourth: faultfinding

Imagine where being loyalty to kin, barangay, or ethnic group has led us to. Imagine where forgiving and forgetting past crimes has led us to.
Imagine where resiliency to present conditions and living CONTENT has led us to.
Imagine where faultfinding instead of following a national vision has led us to.

Yes, they are more positive than they are detrimental to growth, in ESSENCE. Now think again, and I will not say more.

Another thing that made me boil over was our experience supporting, yes supporting OUR national team to the Wushu Federation. Our church has a program called More than Medals that supports athletes with potential but not given ample support by the government.

Here's why:

1. They (our national coaches and officials) say a twelve year old girl is too young and won't stand a chance.
2. They stay in thousand dollar suites while our athletes are given canned sardines for a protein meal.
3. Or they may demand that our players not eat in a buffet for participants.
4. They give a STAINED NATIONAL FLAG for display in the opening ceremony. It is so bad that a representative has to sign a paper stating that the flag was stained to begin with.
5. When our supported team wins a silver and stunned the world, they say they should be thanked after making "internal arrangements."

what really shocked and awed me to point of breaking down was this:

6. The father tells her daughter that she wins because of good looks.

DAMN. DAMN. That's all, God save this country.

I have some things to say to those who can't help themselves but defy the government, any administration, and any initiative if any. This taken from a frustrated middle class man... I added some.

1. Pay your taxes before you have right to say your money is stolen by corruption, let alone say that you contribute much to your country.
2. Help your government for just once and see where it takes you...for a change...please for a change...And please, enough of vague terms like alienation without operationalization.
3. Armed struggle is the highest form of activism according to you, not to everyone else.
4. Beware your labels or what you brand people with. Don't return the favor, if they call you extremists don't play with mud and call them fascists. Be ready to defend your predicate.
5. You win by playing by the rules. If the rules don't serve you fairly, don't kill everyone to make sure you're the only one left. Example, why not try submission instead of subversion for a start? Sobriety please.

Who are the masses? What is the Philippines? the elitist? the rallyist? the one who gets a paycheck with taxes reduced? or those who don't give a shit?

What a sad combination of faces, but these are faces of prominence here.

And MIND YOU, there is some truth in saying that: U.P. is a microcosm of this society. We (UP people) fail...some fail...then all else fails.

To those who have a God, think of it that he puts leaders where they are. Make sure they (leaders) listen to you, or pray they do and pray you can do something helpful too...God will respond.

And isn't it reassuring of your faith to know that the world losing faith in God and all the morality and ethics of this world already has been predicted since when, I don't know? It's funny, people say they are correct, while Rorty states no it is out of solidarity of communities. Haha, well, what if prophets had already foreseen the post-modern thought as one of them part of a grand design for the world? If this is true, then all thoughts attempting to take us away from belief in a higher order of things are false. Haha, if this is true. I hope that it, or one version of it does hold.

Last strange feeling: a beating heart. I don't feel my heart nor listen to it beating. I don't know why, I never thought my love life will ever go on or have fruiful end. I just hoped. Some hours back, it happened again. I know it's only a trick. I know it's the devil again, or something maybe a chicken piece stuck at the airpath.

I want to live. I want to be part of a revolution that will help my people be what they have to be---no short of great. But changing the system is not enough. Maybe it should start with me and all the way up instead.

I want to love someone new. I made this clear some blogs back. I just can't make the right move, can't decide on whether I am to break free or seal my fate by making another stupid mistake.

Am I desperate? I have a feeling that people think I am. Well, as far as the people in the Council Office see me, I think I am.

Alas, I have one life. She has one life. You have one life. If it can't be special, then it can't be worth living.

My fate is not sealed. But there are people who think they can close their doors so easily and end your efforts. My fate is not revealed yet.

One type of person I do not like is one who lives in pretention. I know at times I am guilty of keeping my feelings to myself. It is only perhaps through this blog that I am to shed some light from within. I am guilty, she might be. Others are also guilty of this---such dishonesty.

Walking home beneath the AS Parking Lot treeline, I think. Who can I trust? Do I become a pragmatist, suspicious of people around me? Do I become a blatant realist? Do I become a prick, always looking behind ready to strike? My judgment was clouded. Constantly, I try to put things for their positive value, perhaps at times, setting aside their real worth. Then I hear a voice and I see a dear friend. If she's reading this, she'll know by the instant. I give her a sharp but happy look, remind her of a meeting the next day...tomorrow.

Quite frankly, I am losing prospect of tomorrow. The corruption of the world? The ending of all times?

In the end, I stick to my ideals and breathe in...then smile. It'll be alright. I am blessed. You are blessed.

For a feeling I want to learn how to feel....
For a person out there who might smile back....
For a love that is not my doom....

Oh poetry, bind me in righteousness!

Oh am I so happy!!!!

Again...

Thanks and God bless!