Sunday, April 22, 2007

God I hate being in ceremonies and flashes of formalities

Call me an structuralist. Call me one on the moderate right of the political spectrum. Usually people who tend to be on the conservative right of things see the importance of hardline projection of power. We hold military reviews and parades for this simple reason. We like wearing thick and colorful clothing. We like order. Conservatives of the medieval times liked their armor and coat of arms shiny and heavy. In short, I like pageantry as I like whatsoever message they propagate. But these do not necessarily mean I like being in long ceremonies and flashes of formality. I don't like being under the hot sun and the dry staining dust. This accounts for me walking about and looking for friendly smiles. A picture opportunity and some instructions for my official photographer---my mom, was more than enough to distract myself from the heat. Haha, I survived UP with every bit of distraction. Distract myself when I flunked math. Distract myself when I got dumped. Then confront the issue and most of the time succeed.

I want things to get over and done with. Maybe if I were like the man of the hour or had a significant role to play, I could have welcomed the long sitting exercise. Thing of it is, and as I manifested, all I looked forward to was a blank diploma and change. Forgive the cynicism. Forgive me if I do not share as much enthusiasm when it comes these moments with you. It's not a boy thing. It's not even a KJ thing. Nothing went wrong. It's just me. If any consolation, I thank the legions of PolSc peepz and friends across the board who wished me well. Ah but I do not like staying put. Which actually explained why I was restless in my seat yesterday, looking for a familiar face in a sea of familiar faces and a comforting word from people you've gone to for comfort for the past four years.

This comes from an age-old practice I've had which makes other people think me a serious drag all the more----the practice being...I don't celebrate past victories. I don't live for the moment and the moment being something referring to four years of supposed comfortable living in the premier university of the country. No, not even Mam David and moreso the valedictory speech crept up to me and not much spark was there. But who cares about what I felt? I rarely think if people care for me anymore recently. Call it confidence, I think it's being numb more than anything. I'm tired of thinking what other people think when it comes to the shallow matters of life. I'd gladly think of what you think when we debate. But when it comes to looking good on film, haha, sorry. The flashes of cameras, the videocamera panning, the smiles exchanged...nada. I feel ashamed that people can afford to be superficial even in the greatest of these moments. But nothing sparked a flame. I wanted to be emotional and that's really easy with me. But looking back down time isn't my thing. Reminiscing has its uses, but not yesterday. Which was quite tragic for me for all my excitement was turned down by the mere length and subtleness as if I was looking for something great and it did not come. I wanted to recall collective victories of mine and those of colleagues, but they did not come. The glory of the University of the Philippines did not descend. It sounded like a pretense to me. Every word that claimed to be academic and scholastic did not drive me. Well, romantics are fond of abstractions and rhetoric more than simple and grounded remarks; which may explain why the messages did not affect me as they should have. To each his own. Touche.

I don't want to look back that often and particularly to stinging parts of recent history that are more despicable than hurtful nowadays to me...

I don't want funny gazes and stabbing stares that force me to reflect past actions. I live my life with no regrets. And if yesterday was any testament, so be it.

I am not a good narrator. I am not a good eulogy deliverer. I won't make a great priest contrary to what most in my church think and I take time and cyberspace to thank them for the drive I now possess. The reminiscent in me lost to the man driven in me. That can be both a good and bad thing. But in the context of the past weeks and what I've done, it has served more good. I told Mara this in our SBC drink-and-share-a-thon...I don't want to get left behind. I am driven to move on and move forward in strides. I am determined to unleash myself and the hell I care what the world thinks of what I am about to do. I have a dream to realize, a family to love, a new family to raise at the time God appoints, a church to serve, friends as those yesterday to celebrate, and a world to contribute to. Haha, no time for sleeping with pleasant dreams. Time to make them real. Time to make them count...

And as for unnecessary luggage, the trash can of my subconscious.

As for people I thank now and for the future I say to them: Somewhere down the road...

God bless.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Disappearing act

So what have I been up to the past weeks?

Aside from finishing papers and checking CRS for grades every now and then...

and by the way, if my computation serves me right, my GWA is a happy dappy 1.76. What a pain to the head! What a dagger! Now I know how it feels. But I've been numbed since January after having estimates of all my grades. Matter of fact, the only thing I look forward to on the 10th is to know that I'm marching up the stage, getting a blank diploma, a handshake, some applause and a feast back at home. Yes, it appears I will be able to bring only my parents to the ceremonies. Hah get the hang of 1.76! Imagine, just some small decimal number! Take away all the math subjects and I'd be up there in the 1.5 range! That's how devastating math became. Oh well. Am grateful twas always PolSci that pulled my average up. Here's a breakdown:

167- 1.25
186- 1
187- 1.5
178- 1.5

Is there a consolation prize for majors honors? NONE. SADLY. You won't get a teaching job with this feat.

1. Eating and thinking of things I should not think of are staples in between things I do. I think I gained 5 to 10 lbs and am willing to bet the next 5lbs on it!
2. Attend send-off parties to eat, mix with people I will miss and miss all the more, refuse endless offers of San Miguel Light and say that even a bottle of Cali can make me sick, and shake my groove thing.
3. Read current affairs books as if they will impact my knowledge bank once I get a job that has almost nothing to do with Political Science. Every so often however, I read a chapter or two of complete fictions or historical fictions in between to ease my mind.
4. Plan on doing things for this summer while waiting for the right job in that stack of options. These activities may include: learning how to drive, writing a novel, getting a pampering in some sauna bath, shopping for goodies like CDs books and clothes I can actually enjoy, and of course, GETTING A JOB AND A LIFE.
5. Breaking off from some elements of my past life. This may include compiling Council files, getting my things from the office (and I have at least four org offices), giving parting shots in meetings for incoming execoms, and showing up more in an array of orgs I had to compromise for Council and academic work primarily.
6. Did I say finding a job? My CV is floating. Come dare and grab me for your team! I've been machine-gunning my applications to nearly every job I'm competent enough to handle. That may range from UN work to something as irrelevant as can be relevant...organization development for a certain oil company. Not surprisingly, NGOs and institutions have not popped out to present opportunities. Such a loss to them! Nah! ehehehe.
7. Visiting places. Though I haven't seen new sights outside our traditional Zambales Holy Week getaways and my getaway in the metro called Gateway. Zambales was great, though colorful. (Don't make me explain)
8. PRAY. For what? Productive prospectives don't you worry.
9. Getting well-earned sleep from 2am to 8am. Yes, I wake up 5am less often now. Sad I used to do that on a regular basis even in college.
10. Play PC games at will! My Wednesdays are finally FREE! So I spend them killing Mongolian hordes, conquering Northern Europe and beating the hell out of the Sudanese to the south. I LOVE MEDIEVAL TOTAL WAR 2! I also am pushing my Lakers to the impossible---a season sweep! Then I watch a DVD. Ahhh...the bum life...only on Wednesdays!

AND THINKING OF PEOPLE AND MATTERS WHEN THEY POP. Am trying a mop-style hairdo a la Beatles. Really weird. I don't plan on having a haircut til a week before graduation. I do however plan on getting measured for slacks and barong.

God be your itinerary secretary!


Sunday, March 25, 2007

Most of these are true, willing to throw into an argument

Check the link at the bottom, very insightful though barely perfect and at times, ambiguous. But what the heck...

You entered: Paolo Sanchez

There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 54
There are 5 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

LatinMaleVariant of Paul: Little; small.
ItalianMaleItalian form of Paul: Small.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

Copyright © 2006 Paul R. Sadowski (

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


What Makes Men Fall in Love?

Posted by David Zinczenko
on Thu, Mar 15, 2007, 11:34 am PDT
View all 1728 Comments »

Judging from the kind of mail we get at Men's Health from men seeking relationship advice, I can tell you this definitively about men: When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men love to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.

When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love? About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll), but let's delve a little deeper. What exactly does that mean, and what kind of woman does a man really want? With full acknowledgement that men's tastes in women are as unpredictable as the plotline of "24," these are some of things that many men value in "the one."

A Woman with a Passion in Something Other Than Him

Yes, it's nice to be doted over. Yes, it's nice to be pampered. Yes, it's nice to be with a woman who showers you with compliments, neck kisses, and all of her attention. But there's a virtual Great Wall of China between a fleeting, flirtatious glance and the kind of attraction that can last a lifetime. Many men say they like a woman who's immersed in something else other than the relationship -- be it her work, or her sport, or whatever her "thing" is. Why? The passion she shows for something else confirms her inherent goodness, her personal drive, her independence. All pluses in the woman we're hoping to spend a few decades with.

A Woman with No Problem with Guy Time

Every relationship has to choreograph the time-together dance. Once a couple elevates from casual to serious, it goes through that period when most waking and sleeping minutes are spent together. But at some point in the dance, one person will call a time out from the music of coupledom, and try to spend more time with his or her friends -- while still being careful not to step on any feet in the process. Even when they're with the most perfect woman, men still crave the occasional space to spend golfing or drinking or doing whatever (64 percent of men are happy to have the time to themselves when their wives or girlfriends have plans). Men love, appreciate, and are thankful for women who respect and endorse (and not complain about) his need to have a few testosterone mixers. Don't worry, March Madness will be over in just a few weeks!

A Woman with a Strut

Her strut in the bar may have been part of his initial attraction. The strut from the bedroom to the bathroom after the first night together may have been pure visual ecstasy. But the strut that happens day in and day out is one of the major attractors for a man. What do I mean by the strut? It's that attitude, that sassiness, that confidence, that charisma, that charm that shows she can be a little bold and little daring. In a recent post I talked about the line between a woman being confident and a woman being so aggressive that she turns men away, but the truth is that in certain aspects of relationships, men want women who have the strut. Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times. And that's as true in the bedroom as it is in planning their next weekend getaway. The danger? While it can be insanely attractive, that strut of confidence can also swing a man 180 degrees -- if she uses it in other places, like to flirt with other guys, to become a relationship dictator, or to pick a fight with his mom in front of the whole family. He'll point that kind of strut right out the door.

A Woman with a Good Taste in Ties

Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se. But what we care about is a woman's ability to give us a little-and this is a key word-gentle guidance. I know Freudian followers will say that it's a man's need to be mothered, but it's more than that. Every relationship is a give and take, and guys will definitely take women who can warn us when our new soul patch looks stupid, who can guide us to the perfect suit and shirt combo for an upcoming job interview, who can help them make decisions without being harsh or judgmental. Guys like to project that they know what they're doing and that they don't need any help. Women who can help steer us, without aggressively grabbing the wheel, are the most treasured copilots.

Grasping plethora

After much ado about so many things in my life, I feel so unprepared of my entering a new crossroad in my life. That's the feeling you get when you're about to submit one of your last papers, when you're at the receiving end of your grades coming at you without second guess, when your term as Councilor and as officer elsewhere ends, and when people start inviting you to send-off parties. It gives me the creeps actually. I've gotten so comfortable to the atmosphere in UP. I reminisce and recall the day I told myself, getting that white envelope informing me of my entry to UP that I was to embark on a trip to the real world. Apparently, for all the allegories and comparisons of society being a microcosm in UP, it is never the same thing out there and here. You begin to ask yourself whether the course you took really equips you to do anything worth noting...and to some, worth earning.

Moving, moving, never ceasing...

Everything and everyone else for that matter is moving on and moving to some condition they think is best for them. Be it taking immediately an MA course or law or be it finding a job and perhaps, a life. In a way, I think I haven't been too clear to myself about my plans. The clear path thus far is to wait. Not in the sense of becoming a bum and laying low. I guess I have to find a suitable occupation and set on my career path. I do this while waiting on a scholarship that could hopefully help me propel myself to higher education abroad. I don't want to name schools but I have a select few I may have mentioned before. With the course I intend to take for MA, I have no doubts that I as a scholar am to grow in an area I believe I am passionate about. Still, even if I get the best education, there are no guarantees I end up in my envisioned role in society and in the context I have dreamed of since a child. Sadly, crystal bowls have ran out of market value sometime after the Medieval Ages. And I guess I don't want to know what awaits me. Instead, I tell myself to work for my dreams. I haven't shut the doors of the corporate sector, though very limited offers are there for one trained in my craft. Toff gives me the nudge and tells me corporate social responsibility. I smile in agreement. But agree is agree does---makes you feel better, doesn't change the whole picture.

Was with the outgoing Council at Wok This Way the other night. Seeing dear friends and colleagues can be such a joy, such a refreshment to the weary soul. You try to combat the world and wear your mask but the world can at times devour you. For this reason I find no time to reason with gossip and speculation. I find truth in the stance of many that to fully realize your potential, you stay true to yourself and let the world decide. Seeing Ado and the rest of the Council enjoy never-ending laughter (thanks to Aiza who seems to have rebounded to the nth level) and stories and plans for the future makes you think you're in a movie and the story is about to come to a stop and the credits are about to roll. There is something pleasant in that, something that makes you want to sigh and breathe air that you thought you lost when you signed up for a career against the world. The night, simple as it was, turned out to be very momentous. Besides, I enjoy my private time with family and friends in the scarcity of time and resources allowable to me. In that world, politics becomes an anecdote. Real events in time have become historical selectivities that come back in fleeting moments, of intervals of five minutes or perhaps when Aiza breaks in story or when Marize wins us over with her accent. Academics...ha, let's not deal with them.

It can be to idealistic that you get what you want at the get go of your professional career. Your UP pride tells you that at entry level, your competence make you earn at least 30k. Reality tells you the harsh tale and offers you call centers and research work, no demeaning involved. Only a few enter the higher posts and chances are, competition is just as stiff. We talk of grandiose institutions and think tanks, only to find out they hire people with two things (1) competence reaching to the MA echelon at least, and (2) EXPERIENCE. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, it doesn't matter so as along as you have experience. Ha, I laugh and wish myself luck. I am, in a way afraid of the future. It is very much like Pandora's Box only that you can't tell yourself it's a myth or that you're having a bad dream. You eventually live the future, and that's the scary part.

But I guess, enduring the final year of my stay in UP has equipped me to face the world with a fresh mind set and a well-rounded person. I may have my masks, but at the least, I can get to wash my face in between changing them. I take time to listen to good advice. I had a number of dates the past week and am looking forward to more time with friends. I invest in these moments and have often been misjudged for my motives, which to me is both very surprising and very shallow. Some friends share stories. Some share plans. Some rant about life and love. I can't help but pay much attention. Alfredo has lost its creamy texture. Iced tea seems to pass through your taste buds without causing any sensation. I tell myself that I punish myself at times. Hearing people tell me that they should not be judged for what they project outside...the act of convincing me they are good people and that they are going through trials in a difficult life...that kind of stuff...I smile and thank God I'm right at the other side of the table. I tell myself, if these friends of mine can be so passionate in the defense of their right to be understood for what they are, then I find no reason not to invoke the same right in my case.

Heck, I'd love to use that right when I tell my side of the story...

I have a wealth of stories now, few listeners. Better that way I tell myself than commit error. Talking too much can lead to more undoing. And since I have been mum about personal matters and even professional ones, my side of the story ain't heard. At times I think it's selfish to make people hear me out and get my point on all this lunacy. But hearing all those friends of mine and feeling obliged to do something about their relationships, their career choices, even their academics, I think I should have time to get my message across. But I am not such a person. I am not as expressive, or am I as straightforward about things. My mask still covers a wide area of me that I am not ready to share with people yet. Besides, things I have exposed about my life have already been put under the microscope and misinterpreted.

I will be very blatant about these matters:

1. My career as a leader. Life in politics can never be a life of pleasing everybody. My side of the story: It can really get to my nerves when people seemingly lack appreciation and go out of their way to scrutinize your Council, EVEN A SIMPLE THANK YOU from you can become a propagandizing opportunity to them. They always seek error, seek weakness, seek to see things their way. I am very much angered. But I choose not to retaliate. Besides, people who know the TRUTH are all over defending this great Council. We do not ask for recognition. We know what we accomplished and we have the MONOPOLY OVER THE FACTS. I feel it unfair at times that the Secretary-General has the duty of Information Officer---so that the insults are directed at you. And sadly, I find these comments shallow and unfounded. At times, I get a bit ticked when people (at least one and I won't be clear on that person's gender or background so don't take clues at face value) asked me what I did for the Council as an individual. This type of person who'd run names of people he claimed to KNOW REALLY WORKED FOR THE COUNCIL and decides to uhm...leave out the person he is conversing with ( which happens to be me, and if I were arrogant enough I'd tell that person that I WORKED MY HEART FOR THIS COUNCIL SO DO AWAY WITH NAMES PAL). Hindi lang talaga ako mahilig magbilang ng accomplishments ko at ng Council na ito kaya swerte mo di ko na kinailangan debatihin ka. If only I could utter "Excuse me..." in that person's face and shame him all the more. I dare not. I need not stoop down to his level. Besides, to each his own.


2. My personal life outside UP. Ah, Arendt must be a bit disappointed how one's personal life can be so subject to useless intrigue. Personally, ayoko sa taong maisyu. Pinipili ko ang mga kinukwentuhan ko at inaasahan ko na susuklian nila ng tiwala ang, basically, ang tiwala ko. At lubos ako magtiwala, even the realist side of me. Pero ano magagawa ko, maraming nakapalibot sa akin na ganun na lang ang overwhelming concern sa tsismis in the guise of "concern" over your well-being. AMININ NA NATIN HARAPAN, people have pre-conceived notions about somebody. May taong ayaw mo lang talaga dahil siguro pangit siya AT DAHIL DI SIYA PASADO SA STANDARDS MO. Add to that a testimony from another party at lalong mavavalidate ang opinion mo about that person. ANG PAKIUSAP KO LANG, SANA MADINIG DIN NAMAN ANG TAONG HINUHUSGAHAN NIYO. SANA KAUSAPIN NIYO SIYA DAHIL KAWAWA NAMAN SIYA AT NAHATULAN WITHOUT ANY SORT OF TRIAL. PAPASOK PA NAMAN KAYO SA LAW SCHOOL. SANA HINDI PURO KURO-KURO AT SANA LAMANG, HUWAG NIYONG ISIPIN NA MAY KARAPATAN KAYONG LAPITAN ANG TAONG ITO PARA BIGYAN NG "LIFE-CHANGING" ADVICE KUNG ANG ALAM NIYO LANG NAMAN AY ANG ISANG BERSYON NG KUWENTO. PLEASE. AND DON'T CLAIM YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL OR HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. YOU CAN'T. DON'T ADD INSULT TO MY INJURY. DON'T COMMENT ON ME SA HARAP NG IBA OR TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS WHEN I AM AROUND AS IF TO SHOW NA PAGOD KA LANG OR IRITA KA SA MUNDO PARA DI AKO PANSININ. TAPOS PAG AKO NAMAN ANG DI PUMANSIN SA IYO DAHIL PAGOD AKO FROM U.P. LIFE AKO NA NGAYON ANG MASAMA. TAPOS AKO NA NGAYON ANG TUMUTULAK SA IYO PAPALAYO. AKO NA NGAYON ANG AYAW NG ADVICE??? COME ON! I HAVE MY CIRCLE OF ADVISERS, IN UP PA LANG UMAAPAW NA SILA. BESIDES, I DECIDE ON MY OWN ACCORD. KUNG WALA NAMAN BASIHAN ANG MGA PINAGKAKAKALAT MO. PLEASE LANG.

OH BY THE WAY, DI AKO GALIT HA. Well, hindi pa. Mahirap akong galitin e =)

Hay, ayan nakapag-release na ako! Hay Grai, sana mag-date tayo soon for more catching up. Mega thanks sa CCC for our send-off party last Friday. Nakaka-touch. Kina Dan, Lester and Don to name a few, maraming-maraming salamat. I love the token. I appreciated the intention to honor us. I feel I did not deserve it, given my limited service in CCC. Oh but thank you and God bless. Tapos na ako with Mara and sweet new Sec-Gen Missy sa ChocoKiss. Who's next na ililibre ni Papa Bear? Tama ka Tacio, lilitaw na ang mga sunflowers. I bought my sablay na and I pray to God na maisuot ko na siya sa Abril. haha, 193 results ay lalabas na bukas for more!

May movie project pa pala ako, a short film for the "Clash of the Unbound". Sobrang may passion pala ako for script-writing and directing. Akala ko nung una confined lang to sa written media at sa literature. But no, I actually love inspiring minds visually and capturing souls with a good story. Hay, my only regret is that we did not have enough time and resources. But that's what makes independent/amateur films so great---their raw, innocent form.

After my papers expect a radically different blog entry---a more positive one, less offensive sa mga dapat patamaan. Actually, hehe, am not clear kung sino, basta ayoko lang talaga sa mga taong may ganitong qualities at pag-uugali. Swerte sila hanggang blog lang ako OR PA LANG AKO.

God, please extend my patience to see through shallow minds and my own failings...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Time to strike back

1. That I have two challenging papers ahead. Not that I don't find other papers pieces of cake. I base the challenge on two things (1) that this is PolSc 144 and I feel pretty passionate about International Relations and the other being in PI and Sir Ambeth Ocampo who's just as unpredictable as the weather reported to us and (2) that it's the home stretch and no one wants to be a step behind.

2. Speaking of being a step behind, I plan on working for at least a time or a span of a contract whilst I wait for scholarships and enrollment abroad in a prospective university that offers a course I am interested in. Right now, it's the Security Studies program at the Australian National University or a diplomacy career at Georgetown University. Do I feel great that semblances of me and Sir Kraft are slowly becoming commonalities in reality? Ofcourse! I could only hope our commonalities extending far beyond the academic. Hehe, wink wink...a handful know of what I'm talking about =) My fallback? MIS in UP. Best of all, no pressure to deliver on the short-term. Heck, I don't even plan on using connections to get a job. Maybe some RnR after graduation...experiencing the bum life. And when i feel that insatiable urge to do something big...then I know I'm being called to deliver on my higher purpose. So, step behind? Nah. More of taking life in stride.

3. That I have to wear shorts to UP more often in the remaining weeks. I just don't get it why people react, or in my way of seeing it, overreacting to my wearing of shorts one time. It isn't a pleasant sight! All you see is flesh and curly thick hair! Plan on waxing it? NO!

4. I miss ChocoKiss food! Fulfilled my promise to date Mara there. We had a very enlightening discussion...though enlightening here is tackled in its romantic sense...hehe. I plan on taking the next Sec-Gen, Missy Gonzales there for some pointers and last words. Go Buklod! Go Alyansa! Reaffirmation? I think it is also proving to the community that our voices do matter and our accomplishments are recognized. I felt devastated for Nikka, Deyya and Sasa. If any consolation, I felt proud they handled it with poise and a renewed sense of commitment. We love you guys. Such a valiant effort you gave us. I also congratulate those who won. Viktor...Jeff...the choice of sacrifice indeed pays off. I know how it is like to be a last minute candidate. It does not surprise me that we end up winning after the long climb. Truly, no one gets left behind. To Nikka, I know you're driven to lead and prove a point. Just don't be consumed by a dream. Instead, refocus. Rethink and see what people really need...and from the party, they need a leadership formation that is long-term oriented.

I also enjoyed hosting the Miting de Avance. I did for more deeper reasons, ryt Charm and Ado? The pageantry, the intrigue, the depth, the Hard to believe I saw it from nearly all angles---the incumbent Councilor, the Buklod execom memeber, the supporter and once, an innocent onlooker.

5. I had a very touching gift from the Volunteer Corps in our culmination night yesterday. After addressing unfounded attacks by so-called leaders of our studentry accusing this Council of doing nothing, I get more than my fair share of assurance---a token that ALMOST sent me crying. I thank the VolCorps. We have done more than our mandate requires of us. I say the same for my beloved Council. Together, we have done exceedingly and let no one person say otherwise for the proof are all over! Carry on the challenge of being IBA and being excellent in the service! After checking debates online, I thank those strangers and friends who defended the Council against unfounded accusations and completely misguided conclusions. And yes, let the one without sin cast the deadly stone.

6. I'm beginning to develop an Erika Mayoni-type trust issue. I don't know. After experiencing much in the hands of former allies and friends who seemingly have an opinion about everything, I assess my person and decide that my time to hit back has come. It's only that, I don't choose to. It's the idealist-realist divide in me of some sorts. I can hurt people. All my life, I could have just but lifted a finger and schemed chaos on someone with the stomach to make falseties work against me. But I haven't encountered such people. And I guess we all change. Instead of saying "I told you so" or that "You are wrong about me and those I defend", I just stay calm and reflect. I find truth in saying that my justice lies in God's hands. It's rather insulting that these people also refer to God as the source of their faith and still have the gall to commit impulsive judgments about me, what I do or how I conduct my life on the simple basis of hearsay or mere speculation. I'm sorry. If you don't like me, tell me. But don't assume I'll change as if only to conform to your version of what you believe I should be. I hold my head up high. And if it so happens you just don't understand me, or do not comprehend the grandiosity of my dreams for this forsaken world, then don't dare come up to me and give me comments about me based on outlandish sentiments and miscconceptions. POLITICS aside. Sometimes I ask, why the hell should I tell you my side of the story? You're made up about the entire thing anyway. You'll give me your account of a tale and tell me to change. Well, much appreciated. But no thank you. Good advice is only as good as it portrays reality it attempts to resolve. Much like a Miting de Avance spectator--hello, they're brandishing their colors for heaven's sake! In a way, my blog has been my propaganda machine to pour my heart out. If you think you're being hit by what I say now. Think again before you do something about it. I have been misjudged, misread and misunderstood before...sadly, most in my most fulfilling stay in UP. Think again because I have no time for more gossip and more constructed lies. I care about you. And no dear readers, am talking about an entirely different entity here. Do not betray my trust friend. I've said the same things about a traitor in my midst once. Don't be the second. It didn't work out well for him. Matter of fact, he's begging I restore my faith in him, as if it would do him much. I just listen and sigh. Bakit kaya? Karma. Tamaan na ang tamaan.

And if you feel intimidated, naiilang or nayayabangan sa akin...I could just offer a smile and allow you to think your thoughts over. You're better than that.

7. The real thing I don't like about blogs---it's all about you or me. I did this, I went there, I bought such, I feel this way...if you read blogs abroad you find a lot of them talking of organizations, of advocacies, of opinions. Sure, they're all personal as well. But by the measure of what I read and I talk about, I feel ashamed. Sorry if I put value-judgment on my ranking. But to me, it's more than just us being Filipinos or Asians who tend to be more personal and more introspective. If we think this way, I argue that progress may find a difficult time to be part of a realistic agenda. Maybe we could all talk about grand plans, of world issues, of things the public can relate to other than making our stories crawl their way to the reader's consciousness. The time of the "I" has gone too far. Besides, all you get is gossip and a misreading of what you type. Sorry, am just being a pragmatist here.

I've thought it over and I say again. I prefer to keep a side of me kept to myself. I prefer to wear a mask hiding the other half of my face or my eyes in a party. Why? There are some things I am comfortable sharing to other people, some I'd rather be vague about such as some entries in my blog, and a significant percent to myself. I tell people I am a morbid, self-consuming masochist. Maybe. I'm not telling. I guess I've given hints of what I can do to people. Then again, I'd rather be happy. Which is why I am happy. Which is why I pray at night. Which is why I encode long blogs.

God be the light on our path.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

What I was supposed to say

No one can ever ever fully understand the entire being of a person. No amount of time, exchange of glances, common interests, and even mutual feelings can add up and give one a prophetic vision of a life with someone.

It's like the expression "Okay lang." I watched the film Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore with family...part of a triple celebration (my mom, dad and me were all born on the same month). My opinion of the movie can be best summarized by "Okay lang." You get the sense that am looking for the middle ground because the movie didn't really impress, but didn't bore to disappoint me either. So it's okay. Will I recommend that cute flick? Depends on the question. When asked: "Maganda ba?" I can outrightly put out my ace of diamonds and say "Okay lang." But when the question is: "What is your opinion of the movie? How was it?" "Okay lang." becomes an awkward response.

And it's pretty much a tragedy in our use of language that we develop safe expressions to mean that we are neutral about something. Not everything can be left up in the air. Some matters have to be tackled with honesty, others with caution and respect. It's like how I view people who can't stop making use of the expression "uhmmm" before putting in a line or two. Sure, great if they had really something to say that they had to furnish it in all English linen and Oriental silk. But no. Most of the time, the use of "uhmmm" projects elements of weakness and being unprepared to discuss something.

The reality is and it should bite: There is no such thing as a middle ground. You have to be more precise in describing what you mean. In the corporate world, or any world for that matter, it's an interplay of consistency and substance. If you are consistent with people that you want to keep hands off and say nice things, if not pleasant things, out of being civil than you are to sacrifice substance. I myself am guilty of this. I can't seem to say what I think straight up. Inferiority complex at worst? Maybe. It's just that I don't think I have enough authority to say some thoughts unlike a lot of people in the university do. On one hand, that can be construed as humility, which is to me always a proper way of carrying yourself in any set-up. But when humility becomes cowardice or at less pretending to be disattached, it becomes a weakness in person. Oh how many men have fallen out of line for not saying what they truly feel? Too many to mention. Result: tyrants, self-absorbed egomaniacs, the illusion of being a romantic...bah!

I myself am guilty of this. The fear to be hurt because of what you intend say becomes by itself a crime---or an accomplice to one. For if killing yourself figuratively even is a crime, then motivating yourself or creating opportunities for you to wallow in pain and hurt yourself goes in hand with the commission of crime. Gets? Hehe

I fear to say what I mean. When I do in all blazing glory, someone shoots me down to the waters. And when I did, I get so hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. That's awfully bad on my part.

I don't want to feel these impulses anymore. And that's bad.


In my case, some people may view me as someone as Kristian would say "up there in my ivory tower". Ergo, people don't understand me or should they try, they misinterpret me. What follows? They judge me based on half-truths and speculation. But that's what people do. They don't have the time to know you for who you are...all they offer is some piece of advice and perhaps a line or two to make you feel better. They may say to you that they know what you feel but at times, it's better to say you don't. Far worse, better say you don't care.

You read me right...not to care. Why? Because when I open my silly mouth, I get to say the wrong things. I am in disconnect. My alternative? Prayer and meditation. My recourse? Study the situation and give it time.

Haha, funny, I violated both my plans of action when I opened up my pathetic mouth through writing to someone almost a year ago. Will she ever full grasp my intention? Never. No one will. But could she try to relate and show appreciation for the situation? Perhaps. I don't know. I fear I never will.

In the Council and other organizations I am an officer in, I falter in the same way. I can't seem to be able to confront someone and tell them to quit their antics and be serious with the work at hand. I can't. Why? People judge you point blank. They take your good advice or your commanding remarks as attacks to their person. SIMPLY PATHETIC! I know, but don't we all sometimes treat such remarks as such? The thing I hate about a relativist world is its seemingly careless way of awarding people their freedom to set standards of their own. Maybe all my philosophy put together can't imagine a world such as the one painted. But then again, out of my biases, I choose to listen and relate.

Bottomline, since I can't force my words to mean what they should clearly to you...I choose to act out my message to you. How's that? If we simply do our jobs to the fullest of our capacity and still be able to accomplish more...that in itself is a stronger message to everyone. It's shouting to the sensitive bystander..."Hey, can you bear seeing me outdo you?" Sure it's rather self-motivated and a bit selfish but for purposes of being civil and clear about's worth the try.

I agree with Barrymore: "The rhythm is like sex. But the lyrics...that's when you're beginning to know the person."

Amusing, some women put a locked gate in front of their hearts out of the belief that all men are after their body...even just more sublime...their minds. I think that is a major err in judgment. We're not after sex. We're not after just your body. Hell, that is an insult.

Worse than that...some (not all) reciprocate and judge a man based on externalities. How shallow! Are grades, cars, good charming eyes, and a stable future all there is to it? How dare you say then that you know when a man and a woman aren't made for each other when you're looking skin deep and at documents of honors and of license plates?

Sure, not all women are like that. Hah, I know a lot of them who ARE NOT. However, I do know others who ARE LIKE THAT. And men, don't think we are exempt.

I will never mean something other than being a dear friend to people at this time. Why? Because I can not be discerned. I myself can't know yet what I want in life. At the same time, I can't fully understand other people for why they make such life decisions or why they put letters on their foreheads. And it's supposed to be this way...because compatibility is not everything there is to it in life relationships.

COMPATIBILITY...haha, if that be the basis, what are the chances?
Imagine me and feel better you're far more beautiful....take it on levels

Physical: tall at 6 feet but really not good at 200 or so pounds; great eyes (haha) but not that at all impressive features other than that; young yes, but too formal and old-looking in fashion

Academic: haha, barely a cumlaude or maybe not after this sem...not a real stand-out sure he speaks well but a lot of us do, not a real genius...the reason? he's rather committed to a salad of organizations...which means time may just be an issue...sure he can impress his boss but sure won't spend a date with me

Financial: is he even working? it's not like he'll inherit a fortune...sure he'll get some, but not a six or seven digit thing...not that cars, no fancy designer clothes

Ideational: he's Protestant to begin parents will bar me from changing faiths lest he convinces us. so he's part of the sectarian minority...his conservatism has limits but his right-wing tendencies are uncontrollable at times...sheesh, so he'll be a gentleman to take you out on a romantic night out but he might just make no sense once his old-school ways get to you...and he subscribes to the idea of an authoritarian government..

SEE? How in hell am I supposed to get myself a stake at the market with these?

My message to all: So why put up a futile attempt to seek someone suitable to your taste, to your so-called standards, to your superficial expectations when there are a wealth of others who unconsciously take efforts to make you better inside and those conscious who go out of their way to make you appreciate the idea of some prospect of a great future?

I beg to disagree that's it's a matter of being prepared, or mature, or that you just don't like it.

What I was supposed to say and now I say to manifest some clarity: Live out your life and arm yourself to the teeth knowing that you are consistently substantial as a person and substantially consistent with God's purpose for you living here.

And no amount of pretense can mask who you really why play charade?

Friday, February 09, 2007

Michelangelo is right

When he said that the danger with this world, as the same with those of the past and future, is not when people aim high and fail, but when people aim small and succeed.

This saying, in a figurative way, is me or encapsulates me.

The failures of my past, as I was dozing off last night thinking of my life for the past two decades, are noteable and also hard to rebound from. But these same failures are also brought about because of my insatiable desire for the time the too ideal.

Argue with me or say I'm living in a dream world, but this to me is an element of me that people can look out for and up to.

I tell people that I am torn about many things that confront me. I do not have a straightforward answer. I do not give advice lest I hear the complete story. I am not as "up there" as I seem to be, say in recitation or in my numerous endeavors, as I am in these my moments of faltering.

Dwyane Wade says, fall seven times, stand eight. I say, fall seven times from seven thousand feet to rise up to eight times and go eight thousand feet. When I say a thousand, I'm telling a lot.

Some things were worth noting for me basing on what I saw in the crowd last night, our mega birthday bash. And as I told Patrick and Kristian afterwards in a way, the thing that stands out are my former and latter. Former and latter here is referring to people involved or at least, linked with me in some way or the other. I'm pretty sure a good number of the crowd around has a good idea of how my seven thousand feet pit fall is with the former and the latter. And they must have forgiven me for suddenly hitting the "emergency eject" button when I felt uneasy.

I still feel uneasy. I do not deserve it. Mara told me not to entertain such unworthy feelings. Kristian does. Patrick in a way does. Still, the last resistance of my youthful innocent past of not knowing how deep seven thousand feet is remains. Twenty years of my life and the past four are by far the most colorful of them. This is not to say that the other sixteen years were dull and less in motion than today. It is just the complexity and the sincerity of what I have felt about certain people have made me do the most outrageous deeds in the shortest time and on a regular basis. So I needed. So I jumped. So I pay the price.

I drew much attention, and oddly, a ton of Friendster invites after declaring myself in a "In a relationship" state. I rejected invites from complete strangers, lest they introduced themselves in a fashion to my liking. Co-celebrant Val went up to me and relayed to me bits of this growing rumor that I am this newly taken bachelor. I smile and tell him, as I tell all others asking the same sticky question, that I'd rather tell them when everything else is certain. I add that things won't be as abrupt and maybe as ill calculated as the past.

It's always to keep this said than done. Then again, I try and I've learned more than a thing or two about dealing with feelings and prospects about the future.

But why am I still concerned with the hand she has after several months of having laid down my cards on the table? Why am I so concerned with her next move?

The answers can very much debunk my way of viewing things. And maybe it's these possible answers people who rationalize too much that give the distasteful flavor to the alternative to the TRUTH. Because there is no alternative to the truth. And I've spent my life trying to make a statement even to those who have treated me with dubious motives, those who judged me face value, those who have constantly twisted the truth about me and in effect betrayed me.

To say that I consider another way of viewing relationships and take it entirely is just like saying that my life statements are to eventually nullify themselves. Sure, nothing lasts. I give the skeptic that. However, I also dare say that those who remain consistent and in principle (reflecting in praxis) are by this world's standards better off in terms of reputation and credibility. I would not sacrifice that for all the accalades in the world.

So what does this have to do with so much fun and so much chit-chat last night? I don't know. Maybe anchovy got to my brain. Am sick and tired of reasoning. I've tried reasoning, it only bought me some time before denial ensued. I've tried feeling as well, and I think it does a better job at making you feel good about yourself. For what is a great argument if devoid of relevance, or purpose to the beating heart? It is like living a lie.

Just crossed my mind. I remember a friend and feel for him. He once took great measures to be all he could be to this woman, take note, professionals and stable with their lives already. For some time it was sweet. Then she cools off. Then she acts as if she doesn't know him anyomore. Then she shoves him and hits the eject button and poof, he's out. Here comes coco crunch nitwit! I don't know lady what you take yourself for BUT YOU JUST MISSED OUT A LOT. And sure those inclinded to argue may tell me I should have listened to the lady's account. Well sorry, I know them both and I know what history they have. YOU WERE JUST A BREATH AWAY FROM ENGAGEMENT! Lie. A lie in exchange for a truth you can not face because you were busy all years (twenty or even sixty) of your life building walls around you and amassing support from those you think you can grab support from. Then you cluster and divide--- disturbing the supposed harmony.

Allow me to tell you that you might as well rephrase the rhetoric and tell him you're living a lie.

You can't commit. Your idea of love is as farce as the story of man walking on the Sun---because you'll burn before you get there baby!


CONSISTENCY AND PRINCIPLED LEADERSHIP. I just let fools who think of themselves as great by some yardstick swallow these concepts and see who remains standing up. To those who do stand up, all the best. My question: Just how many are left? This country can use this process of elimination to find its soul---that it is full of filthy faces masked by silk cloth.

Reason and feeling. Can they coexist? Am I reasonably emotional? In matters of faith, there can be little convergence. There still can be.

I use reason to help me get the message people direct at me. It takes time. It screws up a lot and wastes time and resources.

I use feeling to help me realize that at the end of the day, I still am worth something---a life's statement committed to change.


At the end of the day, I won't be the Michelangelo self-fulfilling prophecy.