Grasping plethora
After much ado about so many things in my life, I feel so unprepared of my entering a new crossroad in my life. That's the feeling you get when you're about to submit one of your last papers, when you're at the receiving end of your grades coming at you without second guess, when your term as Councilor and as officer elsewhere ends, and when people start inviting you to send-off parties. It gives me the creeps actually. I've gotten so comfortable to the atmosphere in UP. I reminisce and recall the day I told myself, getting that white envelope informing me of my entry to UP that I was to embark on a trip to the real world. Apparently, for all the allegories and comparisons of society being a microcosm in UP, it is never the same thing out there and here. You begin to ask yourself whether the course you took really equips you to do anything worth noting...and to some, worth earning.
Moving, moving, never ceasing...
Everything and everyone else for that matter is moving on and moving to some condition they think is best for them. Be it taking immediately an MA course or law or be it finding a job and perhaps, a life. In a way, I think I haven't been too clear to myself about my plans. The clear path thus far is to wait. Not in the sense of becoming a bum and laying low. I guess I have to find a suitable occupation and set on my career path. I do this while waiting on a scholarship that could hopefully help me propel myself to higher education abroad. I don't want to name schools but I have a select few I may have mentioned before. With the course I intend to take for MA, I have no doubts that I as a scholar am to grow in an area I believe I am passionate about. Still, even if I get the best education, there are no guarantees I end up in my envisioned role in society and in the context I have dreamed of since a child. Sadly, crystal bowls have ran out of market value sometime after the Medieval Ages. And I guess I don't want to know what awaits me. Instead, I tell myself to work for my dreams. I haven't shut the doors of the corporate sector, though very limited offers are there for one trained in my craft. Toff gives me the nudge and tells me corporate social responsibility. I smile in agreement. But agree is agree does---makes you feel better, doesn't change the whole picture.
Was with the outgoing Council at Wok This Way the other night. Seeing dear friends and colleagues can be such a joy, such a refreshment to the weary soul. You try to combat the world and wear your mask but the world can at times devour you. For this reason I find no time to reason with gossip and speculation. I find truth in the stance of many that to fully realize your potential, you stay true to yourself and let the world decide. Seeing Ado and the rest of the Council enjoy never-ending laughter (thanks to Aiza who seems to have rebounded to the nth level) and stories and plans for the future makes you think you're in a movie and the story is about to come to a stop and the credits are about to roll. There is something pleasant in that, something that makes you want to sigh and breathe air that you thought you lost when you signed up for a career against the world. The night, simple as it was, turned out to be very momentous. Besides, I enjoy my private time with family and friends in the scarcity of time and resources allowable to me. In that world, politics becomes an anecdote. Real events in time have become historical selectivities that come back in fleeting moments, of intervals of five minutes or perhaps when Aiza breaks in story or when Marize wins us over with her accent. Academics...ha, let's not deal with them.
It can be to idealistic that you get what you want at the get go of your professional career. Your UP pride tells you that at entry level, your competence make you earn at least 30k. Reality tells you the harsh tale and offers you call centers and research work, no demeaning involved. Only a few enter the higher posts and chances are, competition is just as stiff. We talk of grandiose institutions and think tanks, only to find out they hire people with two things (1) competence reaching to the MA echelon at least, and (2) EXPERIENCE. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, it doesn't matter so as along as you have experience. Ha, I laugh and wish myself luck. I am, in a way afraid of the future. It is very much like Pandora's Box only that you can't tell yourself it's a myth or that you're having a bad dream. You eventually live the future, and that's the scary part.
But I guess, enduring the final year of my stay in UP has equipped me to face the world with a fresh mind set and a well-rounded person. I may have my masks, but at the least, I can get to wash my face in between changing them. I take time to listen to good advice. I had a number of dates the past week and am looking forward to more time with friends. I invest in these moments and have often been misjudged for my motives, which to me is both very surprising and very shallow. Some friends share stories. Some share plans. Some rant about life and love. I can't help but pay much attention. Alfredo has lost its creamy texture. Iced tea seems to pass through your taste buds without causing any sensation. I tell myself that I punish myself at times. Hearing people tell me that they should not be judged for what they project outside...the act of convincing me they are good people and that they are going through trials in a difficult life...that kind of stuff...I smile and thank God I'm right at the other side of the table. I tell myself, if these friends of mine can be so passionate in the defense of their right to be understood for what they are, then I find no reason not to invoke the same right in my case.
Heck, I'd love to use that right when I tell my side of the story...
I have a wealth of stories now, few listeners. Better that way I tell myself than commit error. Talking too much can lead to more undoing. And since I have been mum about personal matters and even professional ones, my side of the story ain't heard. At times I think it's selfish to make people hear me out and get my point on all this lunacy. But hearing all those friends of mine and feeling obliged to do something about their relationships, their career choices, even their academics, I think I should have time to get my message across. But I am not such a person. I am not as expressive, or am I as straightforward about things. My mask still covers a wide area of me that I am not ready to share with people yet. Besides, things I have exposed about my life have already been put under the microscope and misinterpreted.
I will be very blatant about these matters:
1. My career as a leader. Life in politics can never be a life of pleasing everybody. My side of the story: It can really get to my nerves when people seemingly lack appreciation and go out of their way to scrutinize your Council, EVEN A SIMPLE THANK YOU from you can become a propagandizing opportunity to them. They always seek error, seek weakness, seek to see things their way. I am very much angered. But I choose not to retaliate. Besides, people who know the TRUTH are all over defending this great Council. We do not ask for recognition. We know what we accomplished and we have the MONOPOLY OVER THE FACTS. I feel it unfair at times that the Secretary-General has the duty of Information Officer---so that the insults are directed at you. And sadly, I find these comments shallow and unfounded. At times, I get a bit ticked when people (at least one and I won't be clear on that person's gender or background so don't take clues at face value) asked me what I did for the Council as an individual. This type of person who'd run names of people he claimed to KNOW REALLY WORKED FOR THE COUNCIL and decides to uhm...leave out the person he is conversing with ( which happens to be me, and if I were arrogant enough I'd tell that person that I WORKED MY HEART FOR THIS COUNCIL SO DO AWAY WITH NAMES PAL). Hindi lang talaga ako mahilig magbilang ng accomplishments ko at ng Council na ito kaya swerte mo di ko na kinailangan debatihin ka. If only I could utter "Excuse me..." in that person's face and shame him all the more. I dare not. I need not stoop down to his level. Besides, to each his own.
FOR MORE RANT-athon! RANDOM LANG PALA ITONG SUSUNOD. VENTING OUT LANG FRIENDS. DON't WORRY MGA READERS, DI NYO NAMAN KILALA TO. COMPOUNDING LANG TALAGA ANG PAGKAASAR KO SA MGA TAONG GANITO.
2. My personal life outside UP. Ah, Arendt must be a bit disappointed how one's personal life can be so subject to useless intrigue. Personally, ayoko sa taong maisyu. Pinipili ko ang mga kinukwentuhan ko at inaasahan ko na susuklian nila ng tiwala ang, basically, ang tiwala ko. At lubos ako magtiwala, even the realist side of me. Pero ano magagawa ko, maraming nakapalibot sa akin na ganun na lang ang overwhelming concern sa tsismis in the guise of "concern" over your well-being. AMININ NA NATIN HARAPAN, people have pre-conceived notions about somebody. May taong ayaw mo lang talaga dahil siguro pangit siya AT DAHIL DI SIYA PASADO SA STANDARDS MO. Add to that a testimony from another party at lalong mavavalidate ang opinion mo about that person. ANG PAKIUSAP KO LANG, SANA MADINIG DIN NAMAN ANG TAONG HINUHUSGAHAN NIYO. SANA KAUSAPIN NIYO SIYA DAHIL KAWAWA NAMAN SIYA AT NAHATULAN WITHOUT ANY SORT OF TRIAL. PAPASOK PA NAMAN KAYO SA LAW SCHOOL. SANA HINDI PURO KURO-KURO AT SANA LAMANG, HUWAG NIYONG ISIPIN NA MAY KARAPATAN KAYONG LAPITAN ANG TAONG ITO PARA BIGYAN NG "LIFE-CHANGING" ADVICE KUNG ANG ALAM NIYO LANG NAMAN AY ANG ISANG BERSYON NG KUWENTO. PLEASE. AND DON'T CLAIM YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL OR HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. YOU CAN'T. DON'T ADD INSULT TO MY INJURY. DON'T COMMENT ON ME SA HARAP NG IBA OR TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS WHEN I AM AROUND AS IF TO SHOW NA PAGOD KA LANG OR IRITA KA SA MUNDO PARA DI AKO PANSININ. TAPOS PAG AKO NAMAN ANG DI PUMANSIN SA IYO DAHIL PAGOD AKO FROM U.P. LIFE AKO NA NGAYON ANG MASAMA. TAPOS AKO NA NGAYON ANG TUMUTULAK SA IYO PAPALAYO. AKO NA NGAYON ANG AYAW NG ADVICE??? COME ON! I HAVE MY CIRCLE OF ADVISERS, IN UP PA LANG UMAAPAW NA SILA. BESIDES, I DECIDE ON MY OWN ACCORD. KUNG WALA NAMAN BASIHAN ANG MGA PINAGKAKAKALAT MO. PLEASE LANG.
OH BY THE WAY, DI AKO GALIT HA. Well, hindi pa. Mahirap akong galitin e =)
Hay, ayan nakapag-release na ako! Hay Grai, sana mag-date tayo soon for more catching up. Mega thanks sa CCC for our send-off party last Friday. Nakaka-touch. Kina Dan, Lester and Don to name a few, maraming-maraming salamat. I love the token. I appreciated the intention to honor us. I feel I did not deserve it, given my limited service in CCC. Oh but thank you and God bless. Tapos na ako with Mara and sweet new Sec-Gen Missy sa ChocoKiss. Who's next na ililibre ni Papa Bear? Tama ka Tacio, lilitaw na ang mga sunflowers. I bought my sablay na and I pray to God na maisuot ko na siya sa Abril. haha, 193 results ay lalabas na bukas for more!
May movie project pa pala ako, a short film for the "Clash of the Unbound". Sobrang may passion pala ako for script-writing and directing. Akala ko nung una confined lang to sa written media at sa literature. But no, I actually love inspiring minds visually and capturing souls with a good story. Hay, my only regret is that we did not have enough time and resources. But that's what makes independent/amateur films so great---their raw, innocent form.
After my papers expect a radically different blog entry---a more positive one, less offensive sa mga dapat patamaan. Actually, hehe, am not clear kung sino, basta ayoko lang talaga sa mga taong may ganitong qualities at pag-uugali. Swerte sila hanggang blog lang ako OR PA LANG AKO.
God, please extend my patience to see through shallow minds and my own failings...
Moving, moving, never ceasing...
Everything and everyone else for that matter is moving on and moving to some condition they think is best for them. Be it taking immediately an MA course or law or be it finding a job and perhaps, a life. In a way, I think I haven't been too clear to myself about my plans. The clear path thus far is to wait. Not in the sense of becoming a bum and laying low. I guess I have to find a suitable occupation and set on my career path. I do this while waiting on a scholarship that could hopefully help me propel myself to higher education abroad. I don't want to name schools but I have a select few I may have mentioned before. With the course I intend to take for MA, I have no doubts that I as a scholar am to grow in an area I believe I am passionate about. Still, even if I get the best education, there are no guarantees I end up in my envisioned role in society and in the context I have dreamed of since a child. Sadly, crystal bowls have ran out of market value sometime after the Medieval Ages. And I guess I don't want to know what awaits me. Instead, I tell myself to work for my dreams. I haven't shut the doors of the corporate sector, though very limited offers are there for one trained in my craft. Toff gives me the nudge and tells me corporate social responsibility. I smile in agreement. But agree is agree does---makes you feel better, doesn't change the whole picture.
Was with the outgoing Council at Wok This Way the other night. Seeing dear friends and colleagues can be such a joy, such a refreshment to the weary soul. You try to combat the world and wear your mask but the world can at times devour you. For this reason I find no time to reason with gossip and speculation. I find truth in the stance of many that to fully realize your potential, you stay true to yourself and let the world decide. Seeing Ado and the rest of the Council enjoy never-ending laughter (thanks to Aiza who seems to have rebounded to the nth level) and stories and plans for the future makes you think you're in a movie and the story is about to come to a stop and the credits are about to roll. There is something pleasant in that, something that makes you want to sigh and breathe air that you thought you lost when you signed up for a career against the world. The night, simple as it was, turned out to be very momentous. Besides, I enjoy my private time with family and friends in the scarcity of time and resources allowable to me. In that world, politics becomes an anecdote. Real events in time have become historical selectivities that come back in fleeting moments, of intervals of five minutes or perhaps when Aiza breaks in story or when Marize wins us over with her accent. Academics...ha, let's not deal with them.
It can be to idealistic that you get what you want at the get go of your professional career. Your UP pride tells you that at entry level, your competence make you earn at least 30k. Reality tells you the harsh tale and offers you call centers and research work, no demeaning involved. Only a few enter the higher posts and chances are, competition is just as stiff. We talk of grandiose institutions and think tanks, only to find out they hire people with two things (1) competence reaching to the MA echelon at least, and (2) EXPERIENCE. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, it doesn't matter so as along as you have experience. Ha, I laugh and wish myself luck. I am, in a way afraid of the future. It is very much like Pandora's Box only that you can't tell yourself it's a myth or that you're having a bad dream. You eventually live the future, and that's the scary part.
But I guess, enduring the final year of my stay in UP has equipped me to face the world with a fresh mind set and a well-rounded person. I may have my masks, but at the least, I can get to wash my face in between changing them. I take time to listen to good advice. I had a number of dates the past week and am looking forward to more time with friends. I invest in these moments and have often been misjudged for my motives, which to me is both very surprising and very shallow. Some friends share stories. Some share plans. Some rant about life and love. I can't help but pay much attention. Alfredo has lost its creamy texture. Iced tea seems to pass through your taste buds without causing any sensation. I tell myself that I punish myself at times. Hearing people tell me that they should not be judged for what they project outside...the act of convincing me they are good people and that they are going through trials in a difficult life...that kind of stuff...I smile and thank God I'm right at the other side of the table. I tell myself, if these friends of mine can be so passionate in the defense of their right to be understood for what they are, then I find no reason not to invoke the same right in my case.
Heck, I'd love to use that right when I tell my side of the story...
I have a wealth of stories now, few listeners. Better that way I tell myself than commit error. Talking too much can lead to more undoing. And since I have been mum about personal matters and even professional ones, my side of the story ain't heard. At times I think it's selfish to make people hear me out and get my point on all this lunacy. But hearing all those friends of mine and feeling obliged to do something about their relationships, their career choices, even their academics, I think I should have time to get my message across. But I am not such a person. I am not as expressive, or am I as straightforward about things. My mask still covers a wide area of me that I am not ready to share with people yet. Besides, things I have exposed about my life have already been put under the microscope and misinterpreted.
I will be very blatant about these matters:
1. My career as a leader. Life in politics can never be a life of pleasing everybody. My side of the story: It can really get to my nerves when people seemingly lack appreciation and go out of their way to scrutinize your Council, EVEN A SIMPLE THANK YOU from you can become a propagandizing opportunity to them. They always seek error, seek weakness, seek to see things their way. I am very much angered. But I choose not to retaliate. Besides, people who know the TRUTH are all over defending this great Council. We do not ask for recognition. We know what we accomplished and we have the MONOPOLY OVER THE FACTS. I feel it unfair at times that the Secretary-General has the duty of Information Officer---so that the insults are directed at you. And sadly, I find these comments shallow and unfounded. At times, I get a bit ticked when people (at least one and I won't be clear on that person's gender or background so don't take clues at face value) asked me what I did for the Council as an individual. This type of person who'd run names of people he claimed to KNOW REALLY WORKED FOR THE COUNCIL and decides to uhm...leave out the person he is conversing with ( which happens to be me, and if I were arrogant enough I'd tell that person that I WORKED MY HEART FOR THIS COUNCIL SO DO AWAY WITH NAMES PAL). Hindi lang talaga ako mahilig magbilang ng accomplishments ko at ng Council na ito kaya swerte mo di ko na kinailangan debatihin ka. If only I could utter "Excuse me..." in that person's face and shame him all the more. I dare not. I need not stoop down to his level. Besides, to each his own.
FOR MORE RANT-athon! RANDOM LANG PALA ITONG SUSUNOD. VENTING OUT LANG FRIENDS. DON't WORRY MGA READERS, DI NYO NAMAN KILALA TO. COMPOUNDING LANG TALAGA ANG PAGKAASAR KO SA MGA TAONG GANITO.
2. My personal life outside UP. Ah, Arendt must be a bit disappointed how one's personal life can be so subject to useless intrigue. Personally, ayoko sa taong maisyu. Pinipili ko ang mga kinukwentuhan ko at inaasahan ko na susuklian nila ng tiwala ang, basically, ang tiwala ko. At lubos ako magtiwala, even the realist side of me. Pero ano magagawa ko, maraming nakapalibot sa akin na ganun na lang ang overwhelming concern sa tsismis in the guise of "concern" over your well-being. AMININ NA NATIN HARAPAN, people have pre-conceived notions about somebody. May taong ayaw mo lang talaga dahil siguro pangit siya AT DAHIL DI SIYA PASADO SA STANDARDS MO. Add to that a testimony from another party at lalong mavavalidate ang opinion mo about that person. ANG PAKIUSAP KO LANG, SANA MADINIG DIN NAMAN ANG TAONG HINUHUSGAHAN NIYO. SANA KAUSAPIN NIYO SIYA DAHIL KAWAWA NAMAN SIYA AT NAHATULAN WITHOUT ANY SORT OF TRIAL. PAPASOK PA NAMAN KAYO SA LAW SCHOOL. SANA HINDI PURO KURO-KURO AT SANA LAMANG, HUWAG NIYONG ISIPIN NA MAY KARAPATAN KAYONG LAPITAN ANG TAONG ITO PARA BIGYAN NG "LIFE-CHANGING" ADVICE KUNG ANG ALAM NIYO LANG NAMAN AY ANG ISANG BERSYON NG KUWENTO. PLEASE. AND DON'T CLAIM YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL OR HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. YOU CAN'T. DON'T ADD INSULT TO MY INJURY. DON'T COMMENT ON ME SA HARAP NG IBA OR TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS WHEN I AM AROUND AS IF TO SHOW NA PAGOD KA LANG OR IRITA KA SA MUNDO PARA DI AKO PANSININ. TAPOS PAG AKO NAMAN ANG DI PUMANSIN SA IYO DAHIL PAGOD AKO FROM U.P. LIFE AKO NA NGAYON ANG MASAMA. TAPOS AKO NA NGAYON ANG TUMUTULAK SA IYO PAPALAYO. AKO NA NGAYON ANG AYAW NG ADVICE??? COME ON! I HAVE MY CIRCLE OF ADVISERS, IN UP PA LANG UMAAPAW NA SILA. BESIDES, I DECIDE ON MY OWN ACCORD. KUNG WALA NAMAN BASIHAN ANG MGA PINAGKAKAKALAT MO. PLEASE LANG.
OH BY THE WAY, DI AKO GALIT HA. Well, hindi pa. Mahirap akong galitin e =)
Hay, ayan nakapag-release na ako! Hay Grai, sana mag-date tayo soon for more catching up. Mega thanks sa CCC for our send-off party last Friday. Nakaka-touch. Kina Dan, Lester and Don to name a few, maraming-maraming salamat. I love the token. I appreciated the intention to honor us. I feel I did not deserve it, given my limited service in CCC. Oh but thank you and God bless. Tapos na ako with Mara and sweet new Sec-Gen Missy sa ChocoKiss. Who's next na ililibre ni Papa Bear? Tama ka Tacio, lilitaw na ang mga sunflowers. I bought my sablay na and I pray to God na maisuot ko na siya sa Abril. haha, 193 results ay lalabas na bukas for more!
May movie project pa pala ako, a short film for the "Clash of the Unbound". Sobrang may passion pala ako for script-writing and directing. Akala ko nung una confined lang to sa written media at sa literature. But no, I actually love inspiring minds visually and capturing souls with a good story. Hay, my only regret is that we did not have enough time and resources. But that's what makes independent/amateur films so great---their raw, innocent form.
After my papers expect a radically different blog entry---a more positive one, less offensive sa mga dapat patamaan. Actually, hehe, am not clear kung sino, basta ayoko lang talaga sa mga taong may ganitong qualities at pag-uugali. Swerte sila hanggang blog lang ako OR PA LANG AKO.
God, please extend my patience to see through shallow minds and my own failings...
posted by green and black chancellor at 9:46 PM
2 Comments:
hmn...
coffee at starbucks??? just like the old rightist way??? i do have a story to tell you... ;D
i don't know why, but i felt like crying while I was reading your entry. I tell you, I had some sort of separation anxiety with UP last year. yes, it feels pretty good graduate, but you will always look for the atmosphere that you had gotten used to for 4 years.
maisusuot mo ang UP Sablay mo sa darating na Abril, wag kang mag-alala.
i really do feel like crying.
i haven't posted sa blog ko for quite some time due to privacy reasons.
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