What I was supposed to say

No one can ever ever fully understand the entire being of a person. No amount of time, exchange of glances, common interests, and even mutual feelings can add up and give one a prophetic vision of a life with someone.

It's like the expression "Okay lang." I watched the film Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore with family...part of a triple celebration (my mom, dad and me were all born on the same month). My opinion of the movie can be best summarized by "Okay lang." You get the sense that am looking for the middle ground because the movie didn't really impress, but didn't bore to disappoint me either. So it's okay. Will I recommend that cute flick? Depends on the question. When asked: "Maganda ba?" I can outrightly put out my ace of diamonds and say "Okay lang." But when the question is: "What is your opinion of the movie? How was it?" "Okay lang." becomes an awkward response.

And it's pretty much a tragedy in our use of language that we develop safe expressions to mean that we are neutral about something. Not everything can be left up in the air. Some matters have to be tackled with honesty, others with caution and respect. It's like how I view people who can't stop making use of the expression "uhmmm" before putting in a line or two. Sure, great if they had really something to say that they had to furnish it in all English linen and Oriental silk. But no. Most of the time, the use of "uhmmm" projects elements of weakness and being unprepared to discuss something.

The reality is and it should bite: There is no such thing as a middle ground. You have to be more precise in describing what you mean. In the corporate world, or any world for that matter, it's an interplay of consistency and substance. If you are consistent with people that you want to keep hands off and say nice things, if not pleasant things, out of being civil than you are to sacrifice substance. I myself am guilty of this. I can't seem to say what I think straight up. Inferiority complex at worst? Maybe. It's just that I don't think I have enough authority to say some thoughts unlike a lot of people in the university do. On one hand, that can be construed as humility, which is to me always a proper way of carrying yourself in any set-up. But when humility becomes cowardice or at less pretending to be disattached, it becomes a weakness in person. Oh how many men have fallen out of line for not saying what they truly feel? Too many to mention. Result: tyrants, self-absorbed egomaniacs, the illusion of being a romantic...bah!

I myself am guilty of this. The fear to be hurt because of what you intend say becomes by itself a crime---or an accomplice to one. For if killing yourself figuratively even is a crime, then motivating yourself or creating opportunities for you to wallow in pain and hurt yourself goes in hand with the commission of crime. Gets? Hehe

I fear to say what I mean. When I do in all blazing glory, someone shoots me down to the waters. And when I did, I get so hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. That's awfully bad on my part.

I don't want to feel these impulses anymore. And that's bad.

Why?

In my case, some people may view me as someone as Kristian would say "up there in my ivory tower". Ergo, people don't understand me or should they try, they misinterpret me. What follows? They judge me based on half-truths and speculation. But that's what people do. They don't have the time to know you for who you are...all they offer is some piece of advice and perhaps a line or two to make you feel better. They may say to you that they know what you feel but at times, it's better to say you don't. Far worse, better say you don't care.

You read me right...not to care. Why? Because when I open my silly mouth, I get to say the wrong things. I am in disconnect. My alternative? Prayer and meditation. My recourse? Study the situation and give it time.

Haha, funny, I violated both my plans of action when I opened up my pathetic mouth through writing to someone almost a year ago. Will she ever full grasp my intention? Never. No one will. But could she try to relate and show appreciation for the situation? Perhaps. I don't know. I fear I never will.

In the Council and other organizations I am an officer in, I falter in the same way. I can't seem to be able to confront someone and tell them to quit their antics and be serious with the work at hand. I can't. Why? People judge you point blank. They take your good advice or your commanding remarks as attacks to their person. SIMPLY PATHETIC! I know, but don't we all sometimes treat such remarks as such? The thing I hate about a relativist world is its seemingly careless way of awarding people their freedom to set standards of their own. Maybe all my philosophy put together can't imagine a world such as the one painted. But then again, out of my biases, I choose to listen and relate.

Bottomline, since I can't force my words to mean what they should clearly to you...I choose to act out my message to you. How's that? If we simply do our jobs to the fullest of our capacity and still be able to accomplish more...that in itself is a stronger message to everyone. It's shouting to the sensitive bystander..."Hey, can you bear seeing me outdo you?" Sure it's rather self-motivated and a bit selfish but for purposes of being civil and clear about it...it's worth the try.

I agree with Barrymore: "The rhythm is like sex. But the lyrics...that's when you're beginning to know the person."

Amusing, some women put a locked gate in front of their hearts out of the belief that all men are after their body...even just more sublime...their minds. I think that is a major err in judgment. We're not after sex. We're not after just your body. Hell, that is an insult.

Worse than that...some (not all) reciprocate and judge a man based on externalities. How shallow! Are grades, cars, good charming eyes, and a stable future all there is to it? How dare you say then that you know when a man and a woman aren't made for each other when you're looking skin deep and at documents of honors and of license plates?

Sure, not all women are like that. Hah, I know a lot of them who ARE NOT. However, I do know others who ARE LIKE THAT. And men, don't think we are exempt.

I will never mean something other than being a dear friend to people at this time. Why? Because I can not be discerned. I myself can't know yet what I want in life. At the same time, I can't fully understand other people for why they make such life decisions or why they put letters on their foreheads. And it's supposed to be this way...because compatibility is not everything there is to it in life relationships.

COMPATIBILITY...haha, if that be the basis, what are the chances?
Imagine me and feel better you're far more beautiful....take it on levels

Physical: tall at 6 feet but really not good at 200 or so pounds; great eyes (haha) but not that at all impressive features other than that; young yes, but too formal and old-looking in fashion

Academic: haha, barely a cumlaude or maybe not after this sem...not a real stand-out sure he speaks well but a lot of us do, not a real genius...the reason? he's rather committed to a salad of organizations...which means time may just be an issue...sure he can impress his boss but sure won't spend a date with me

Financial: is he even working? it's not like he'll inherit a fortune...sure he'll get some, but not a six or seven digit thing...not that bankable...no cars, no fancy designer clothes

Ideational: he's Protestant to begin with...my parents will bar me from changing faiths lest he convinces us. so he's part of the sectarian minority...his conservatism has limits but his right-wing tendencies are uncontrollable at times...sheesh, so he'll be a gentleman to take you out on a romantic night out but he might just make no sense once his old-school ways get to you...and he subscribes to the idea of an authoritarian government..

SEE? How in hell am I supposed to get myself a stake at the market with these?


My message to all: So why put up a futile attempt to seek someone suitable to your taste, to your so-called standards, to your superficial expectations when there are a wealth of others who unconsciously take efforts to make you better inside and those conscious who go out of their way to make you appreciate the idea of some prospect of a great future?

I beg to disagree that's it's a matter of being prepared, or mature, or that you just don't like it.

What I was supposed to say and now I say to manifest some clarity: Live out your life and arm yourself to the teeth knowing that you are consistently substantial as a person and substantially consistent with God's purpose for you living here.

And no amount of pretense can mask who you really are...so why play charade?