Michelangelo is right

When he said that the danger with this world, as the same with those of the past and future, is not when people aim high and fail, but when people aim small and succeed.

This saying, in a figurative way, is me or encapsulates me.

The failures of my past, as I was dozing off last night thinking of my life for the past two decades, are noteable and also hard to rebound from. But these same failures are also brought about because of my insatiable desire for the ideal...at time the too ideal.

Argue with me or say I'm living in a dream world, but this to me is an element of me that people can look out for and up to.

I tell people that I am torn about many things that confront me. I do not have a straightforward answer. I do not give advice lest I hear the complete story. I am not as "up there" as I seem to be, say in recitation or in my numerous endeavors, as I am in these my moments of faltering.

Dwyane Wade says, fall seven times, stand eight. I say, fall seven times from seven thousand feet to rise up to eight times and go eight thousand feet. When I say a thousand, I'm telling a lot.

Some things were worth noting for me basing on what I saw in the crowd last night, our mega birthday bash. And as I told Patrick and Kristian afterwards in a way, the thing that stands out are my former and latter. Former and latter here is referring to people involved or at least, linked with me in some way or the other. I'm pretty sure a good number of the crowd around has a good idea of how my seven thousand feet pit fall is with the former and the latter. And they must have forgiven me for suddenly hitting the "emergency eject" button when I felt uneasy.

I still feel uneasy. I do not deserve it. Mara told me not to entertain such unworthy feelings. Kristian does. Patrick in a way does. Still, the last resistance of my youthful innocent past of not knowing how deep seven thousand feet is remains. Twenty years of my life and the past four are by far the most colorful of them. This is not to say that the other sixteen years were dull and less in motion than today. It is just the complexity and the sincerity of what I have felt about certain people have made me do the most outrageous deeds in the shortest time and on a regular basis. So I needed. So I jumped. So I pay the price.

I drew much attention, and oddly, a ton of Friendster invites after declaring myself in a "In a relationship" state. I rejected invites from complete strangers, lest they introduced themselves in a fashion to my liking. Co-celebrant Val went up to me and relayed to me bits of this growing rumor that I am this newly taken bachelor. I smile and tell him, as I tell all others asking the same sticky question, that I'd rather tell them when everything else is certain. I add that things won't be as abrupt and maybe as ill calculated as the past.

It's always to keep this said than done. Then again, I try and I've learned more than a thing or two about dealing with feelings and prospects about the future.

But why am I still concerned with the hand she has after several months of having laid down my cards on the table? Why am I so concerned with her next move?

The answers can very much debunk my way of viewing things. And maybe it's these possible answers people who rationalize too much that give the distasteful flavor to the alternative to the TRUTH. Because there is no alternative to the truth. And I've spent my life trying to make a statement even to those who have treated me with dubious motives, those who judged me face value, those who have constantly twisted the truth about me and in effect betrayed me.

To say that I consider another way of viewing relationships and take it entirely is just like saying that my life statements are to eventually nullify themselves. Sure, nothing lasts. I give the skeptic that. However, I also dare say that those who remain consistent and in principle (reflecting in praxis) are by this world's standards better off in terms of reputation and credibility. I would not sacrifice that for all the accalades in the world.

So what does this have to do with so much fun and so much chit-chat last night? I don't know. Maybe anchovy got to my brain. Am sick and tired of reasoning. I've tried reasoning, it only bought me some time before denial ensued. I've tried feeling as well, and I think it does a better job at making you feel good about yourself. For what is a great argument if devoid of relevance, or purpose to the beating heart? It is like living a lie.

Just crossed my mind. I remember a friend and feel for him. He once took great measures to be all he could be to this woman, take note, professionals and stable with their lives already. For some time it was sweet. Then she cools off. Then she acts as if she doesn't know him anyomore. Then she shoves him and hits the eject button and poof, he's out. Here comes coco crunch nitwit! I don't know lady what you take yourself for BUT YOU JUST MISSED OUT A LOT. And sure those inclinded to argue may tell me I should have listened to the lady's account. Well sorry, I know them both and I know what history they have. YOU WERE JUST A BREATH AWAY FROM ENGAGEMENT! Lie. A lie in exchange for a truth you can not face because you were busy all years (twenty or even sixty) of your life building walls around you and amassing support from those you think you can grab support from. Then you cluster and divide--- disturbing the supposed harmony.

Allow me to tell you that you might as well rephrase the rhetoric and tell him you're living a lie.

You can't commit. Your idea of love is as farce as the story of man walking on the Sun---because you'll burn before you get there baby!

Tragic.

CONSISTENCY AND PRINCIPLED LEADERSHIP. I just let fools who think of themselves as great by some yardstick swallow these concepts and see who remains standing up. To those who do stand up, all the best. My question: Just how many are left? This country can use this process of elimination to find its soul---that it is full of filthy faces masked by silk cloth.

Reason and feeling. Can they coexist? Am I reasonably emotional? In matters of faith, there can be little convergence. There still can be.

I use reason to help me get the message people direct at me. It takes time. It screws up a lot and wastes time and resources.

I use feeling to help me realize that at the end of the day, I still am worth something---a life's statement committed to change.

AND IF PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT WELL SORRY, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT AND MAKE UP AS MANY B-LINERS AS YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE THE PERSON THAT PEOPLE BELIEVE IN---THAT BEING PAPA BEAR, PAOLO, POPO, SO WHAT HAVE YOU WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

At the end of the day, I won't be the Michelangelo self-fulfilling prophecy.