God I hate being in ceremonies and flashes of formalities

Call me an structuralist. Call me one on the moderate right of the political spectrum. Usually people who tend to be on the conservative right of things see the importance of hardline projection of power. We hold military reviews and parades for this simple reason. We like wearing thick and colorful clothing. We like order. Conservatives of the medieval times liked their armor and coat of arms shiny and heavy. In short, I like pageantry as I like whatsoever message they propagate. But these do not necessarily mean I like being in long ceremonies and flashes of formality. I don't like being under the hot sun and the dry staining dust. This accounts for me walking about and looking for friendly smiles. A picture opportunity and some instructions for my official photographer---my mom, was more than enough to distract myself from the heat. Haha, I survived UP with every bit of distraction. Distract myself when I flunked math. Distract myself when I got dumped. Then confront the issue and most of the time succeed.

I want things to get over and done with. Maybe if I were like the man of the hour or had a significant role to play, I could have welcomed the long sitting exercise. Thing of it is, and as I manifested, all I looked forward to was a blank diploma and change. Forgive the cynicism. Forgive me if I do not share as much enthusiasm when it comes these moments with you. It's not a boy thing. It's not even a KJ thing. Nothing went wrong. It's just me. If any consolation, I thank the legions of PolSc peepz and friends across the board who wished me well. Ah but I do not like staying put. Which actually explained why I was restless in my seat yesterday, looking for a familiar face in a sea of familiar faces and a comforting word from people you've gone to for comfort for the past four years.

This comes from an age-old practice I've had which makes other people think me a serious drag all the more----the practice being...I don't celebrate past victories. I don't live for the moment and the moment being something referring to four years of supposed comfortable living in the premier university of the country. No, not even Mam David and moreso the valedictory speech crept up to me and not much spark was there. But who cares about what I felt? I rarely think if people care for me anymore recently. Call it confidence, I think it's being numb more than anything. I'm tired of thinking what other people think when it comes to the shallow matters of life. I'd gladly think of what you think when we debate. But when it comes to looking good on film, haha, sorry. The flashes of cameras, the videocamera panning, the smiles exchanged...nada. I feel ashamed that people can afford to be superficial even in the greatest of these moments. But nothing sparked a flame. I wanted to be emotional and that's really easy with me. But looking back down time isn't my thing. Reminiscing has its uses, but not yesterday. Which was quite tragic for me for all my excitement was turned down by the mere length and subtleness as if I was looking for something great and it did not come. I wanted to recall collective victories of mine and those of colleagues, but they did not come. The glory of the University of the Philippines did not descend. It sounded like a pretense to me. Every word that claimed to be academic and scholastic did not drive me. Well, romantics are fond of abstractions and rhetoric more than simple and grounded remarks; which may explain why the messages did not affect me as they should have. To each his own. Touche.

I don't want to look back that often and particularly to stinging parts of recent history that are more despicable than hurtful nowadays to me...

I don't want funny gazes and stabbing stares that force me to reflect past actions. I live my life with no regrets. And if yesterday was any testament, so be it.

I am not a good narrator. I am not a good eulogy deliverer. I won't make a great priest contrary to what most in my church think and I take time and cyberspace to thank them for the drive I now possess. The reminiscent in me lost to the man driven in me. That can be both a good and bad thing. But in the context of the past weeks and what I've done, it has served more good. I told Mara this in our SBC drink-and-share-a-thon...I don't want to get left behind. I am driven to move on and move forward in strides. I am determined to unleash myself and the hell I care what the world thinks of what I am about to do. I have a dream to realize, a family to love, a new family to raise at the time God appoints, a church to serve, friends as those yesterday to celebrate, and a world to contribute to. Haha, no time for sleeping with pleasant dreams. Time to make them real. Time to make them count...

And as for unnecessary luggage, the trash can of my subconscious.

As for people I thank now and for the future I say to them: Somewhere down the road...

God bless.