Tapsilog...este...bacon and eggs please...

"The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage and conduct of this army."---George Washington Aug 27, 1776, before the Battle of Long Island

Eloquence is a skill rather than a gift exclusive to those born to families of statesmen or lawyers. And because such a gift is rather an ability harnessed after much training, eloquence, just as many other abilities considered special or useful to this utilitarian world then should be due to everyone. Everyone should be given free or low cost quality education because it is everyone's right to live a life with an equal chance and equal opportunity to savor the bounties of this good earth. But of course, that is a rather long-shot view of mine...a world I long for.

By this hopefully reminding paragraph, you may as well have deduced or at the back of your head have conjured the thought that I am more of a non-conformist.

Convention is not always what works best for me...it doesn't even sound good to me.

The word practical stirs up much doubt in me, as if to be repulsed by the very sound of it. My idealism springs out of the belief I have that God indeed will take justice for the wronged and corrupted and will bring a new order of perfection to this forsaken earth someday, somehow. In my study of International Relations, and not Law, I am able to find for myself and others I want to benefit from this knowledge how this new order may take place and by what means. Even if it means I immerse myself in study and life of the human tendencies such as corruption, greed, distaste against another.

But of course you may also wonder as to why I subscribe to Christian thinking, a philosophy that is in the mainstream...the mainstream meaning a lot conform to it. Isn't that contradictory?

I have no answer for that. Only if the world becomes that of post-modernists am I going to be able to stand out and bring forth a new radical idea.

I like to think of it as this. Whereas a lot of people tend to see the reality of things, the value of money, or the very subtelty in atheism...you are of course entitled to your own...it is up to those who believe in a higher order and greater end to make more sense and be the change in this ever complacent world which is by itself becoming a non-conformist, defiled creature.

Old school...conservative...and right wing...that's what they call these types of lunatics. As to the right-wing part, I still don't get how idealists and other lunatics can be right wing and conservative while those in the so-called progressive left-wing seek only regime and system change...and be called radicals instead of lunatic daydreamers...very funny indeed.

Someday, somehow...this peace...Pax Theos...God's peace will reign and that order can never be reorganized, redone, reconsidered because there lies the assumption that everything will be or seem to be perfect...no structures to be organized, no craft to be redone, no decision to be considered anew.

Lam nyo, sa sobrang protective ko of my faith, sobra as in ultimo Academy Awards at Grammys (etc)speeches ginagawa kong basihan ng religiosity ng tao. Inaantay ko talaga, sino pasasalamatan nya? Is that person that open to professing his belief in God by thanking him first? What about his family? Tapos yung reaction din ng mga tao. Sometimes, wala na gaanong saysay lahat ng works ng tao kung di naman maganda paningin sa kanya ng mga malalapit sa kanya diba?

Nabutas ang maong ko nung Biyernes. Opo, sumabit sa pako ng bench sa opisina ng konseho ang maong ko na ala pang isang taon ang gurang at nawarak ang likod na bahagi kung saan nagkaroon ng butas na kasing laki ng mata ng tarsier na sobrang laki na tila kaya na silipin ang underwear ko...YES.

Galit sa akin yung bangko na iyon. Nasira ko yun once, bumigay sa weight ko at kalumaan na rin...diba defensive hehehehe.

But the point here e, lumakad ako ng may malaking butas na sinelyahan lamang ng pardible sa gitna ng Palma Hall bago nakasakay sa taxi pauwi...technically dumaan muna ako kay Mang Jomar...binilin yung maong ko tapos umuwi...syempre suot ko pa naman yung maong.

GOSSSHHHH! LMAO talaga, kasi nawalan ng saysay yung toncilitis ko habang nagsisigawan kami ni Marian at Kuya este Lola Jeff about me being self-conscious masyado at di naman halata. Sus, DI DAW HALATA hehe. Bigat na ng ulo ko nun.

LECHE eto pa pala. Sa econ, e di pinag-uusapan namin ni Jessa yung c0lor combination at yun lawit sa damit ni Mam Gochoco...sinabi niya ang GANDA ko raw sa Friendster pic ko na candid toddler shot...sabi ko naman: sana nga may magkaroon ng crush sa akin e. Sabi naman niya: Di nga Pao, crush kit (cyempre pabiro). Thanks talaga Jhe, aminado naman ako dahil sa sobrang sakit ng ulo ko inatake ako ng KSP tantrums ko e...the madaldal variation of it.

Isa pa nung Sabado naman, talaga sa Bento Box meeting namin sa JPGS, e di puro Ateneans, every now and then ako tsaka si Big Mac ng Geog, talagang nagchachant ng UNIBERSIDAD! The thing is, puro naka-white NSTP shirts (ano kamo?...di ko talaga ma-imagine...ang sama ko talaga hahaa) yung mga Ateneans (lumilingon nga ako baka nandoon mga katoto ko from ADMU at bigla na lang ako ipadampot hehe). Tapos yung cell ng Nokia na parang may bar-type na neon lights na nag-iiskrol hirap i-describe...nilagyan talaga nya ng Ateneo Boo!, tapos i-brinandish pa talaga sa ere. Whooh, go JPGS!!! Go UP Fighting Maroons (3-2)...suportado rin kayo ng Pansit ng taga Malabon ahahahahaha! (may banner talga sa Katipunan andun un)

Tapos nanood ako sa bahay ng Runaway Jury (req sa PS 171) at Hitch.

At sinabi nga nya (hitch) "Life is not about the amount of breaths you take in, but the moments that take your breaths away." Kung napanood nyo na iyon...ako si Albert Brennaman..yung CPA ata na mataba pero take note: GUWAPO at MABAIT. Thing is, hindi gumana yung mga pa-porma antics na in-advise ni Hitch para makuha yung girl of his dreams na tila imposible naman. Long story, but point is: love is not bound to a set of rules or the right formula.

Ala, kinikilig lang kasi ako sa thought na kung yung dambuhalang iyon ay nakuha yung million-dollar prize (as in literally) nya, what if ako na di naman kasing miserable niya naman ang nag-aim for the impossible? Do I have much to show for? People around me think I do have a lot...of pounds...hehe...este things that still and do matter to ladies...ANYWAY. Love that movie!

Sa Runaway Jury naman...ayan...idealism nanaman, or kahit on a plain level, yung kagustuhan ng taong panagutin ang mga nagkasala at tulungan ang mga nasaktan nila ang nananaig over a system of courts and laws, over money, over self interest...Rachel Weisz was charming as always...(yikee), Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman were ageless.

Kristian, ganito talaga blog ko, pasensya na kung ubos-oras pero ganito talga..hehe...I need to explain things, a lot of concepts in their detailed nature...a clutter of thoughts that seem to lead you nowhere but if seen in the prism would make you see it all the more perplexing and so you settle for shedding light on the matter hardest you could...

Ano pa ba latest? Hmm, Dom, will buy a Sun Sim from you soon papalit ako ng phone (odeba?) I don't know, nabiro ko lang mom ko, e si dad naman ala gaanong say sa ganung matters kasi enjoy sya kumakanta sa videoke sa baba hehehe....Ala kasing cam phone ko, e ako kasi, besides sa photogenic (ahem), pag nakakakita talga ng insipiring sight something to invigorate the senses, kukunan ko talaga...pero di ko magawa e...salat ako sa materyales. So yun, by God's grace, and my parent's approval, I may have a camera phone at last...looking for the Sony Ericsson model...have mentioned this some blog entries back...Bsides, GUSTO KO KAYU KUNAN HAHAH!

Ahh enough of retrospect for now.

HELL WEEK TONG WEEK NA TO, ACTUALLY, NEXT WEEK PALA HEHEHEHE!

Mau, don't worry, I am not a twisted soul sa bahay, masaya akong kuya, o diba pinuri sarili? Ask my sis, swerte sya pero ahem protective po akong kuya...ayan, the long line has to wait and I tell my sis, don't ever GIVE IN. Yes, it's one thing to follow your heart, and another to follow your dreams, and another to follow God's will in His time. Tapos I give her the newscaster-ish look and she gets it....I hope.

I tell her minsan kapag feeling out-of-place sa mga mayayaman nyang kaklase and fwends tapos asa fastfood sila: diba less effor sabihin na lang na tapsilog order please instead of that hard beef with eggs and garlic rice order please. I tell her that though we are financially blessed, that doesn't mean you go on frantic spending nights and you give who you are to the undeserving slut. Syempre, I do this in a very wholesome manner. TAPSILOG please!

The fate of millions...our children...will rely on our conduct here on earth as we live. With much at stake, would you want to toy around squandering what you have? you are your man.

There is much good in this world, much that we have a general term for smileys but no term for saddys or angrys.

This is a world where not form, but substance will matter. To hell with conforming to norms. Be the catalyst if it means being an agent for the better.

God be your source for fresh ideas to believe in, stories to share, experiences to be had.

1, 2, 3 awwwww!

Eto na
eto na
eto na

awwww!!!

Aray, nagbabaga CoolAir sa bunganga ko, pweh...yung unang kagat mo at na-release yung micro-granules ng sweetened gummy something.

Ang saya ko ngayon. Good weather maybe. Or perpaps just a case of seeing things clearly.

Too clearly for that matter...

Natulog ako sa kuwarto (syempre) kagabi. Sa sobrang kulob ng feeling, di ako nag-shirt for a change. Grabe, sleeping without blankets..without a shirt, it's like a being a whole new person. You have the freedom to have direct contact with the bed, roll around and not perspire or something. Whooh, I should try this sometime again...in my underwear? YUCK! Quite frankly, I don't see a reason why not. Panahon magtipid sa kuryente, besides grabe rin ang freedom na nararamdaman kapag nakabukas bintana at tunog ng electric fan imbis na aircon ang magduruyan sa iyo.

I enjoy the buzzing sound, the whoosing sound in your ears everytime the fan oscillates, revolves, I don't know, for lack of a better term, kapag napunta na sa iyo yung tutok nung fan. Mapaglaro sa tenga e. Bzzzzz, Buzzzzz, Weiirrrrreirrrr!

E di gising ako. Matagal na rin ako hindi naglalampaso. So iyon, house cleaning for me. Pump up the volume habang sa taas gumagawa ng project grupo ng kapatid ko. Nahanlungkot ko cassette ko ng New Radicals at Red Hot CHili Peppers...pero inisip ko, mp3 na lang kaya yung tsanggala yan hataw habang pinuputikan ng tsinelas ko yung na-mop ko na na floor. Frustrated drummer po ako. GUitar? Huwag na. Ewan, twing sisilipin ko mga kapatid ko sa pinapaalis ako. Mga teenage girls nga naman...ahem, I can never understand them fully, only convince them to share bits of themselves. So goes blah blah.

So ligo ako. Lam nyo yung feeling na sobrang sinasakal kayo ng lagkit at humid feeling na iniisip nyo, paano ko susuuting tong t-shirt na bago e parang nakakasakal din. Pero pagkaligo, wow, kahit sweater kaya mong isuot.

Intimidating ba ako? As in dumating iyung mga friends ng kapatid ko, groupmates...sinundo ni Ma sa Mcdo...bigla ba naman akong binati at inad-ress with the word "po". Syempre GMRC yan, pero tinititigan ko sa mata, threatened imbis na happy faces bumati sa akin. Siguro dahil naman sa diyaryo na hawak ko. Speaking of newspapers, I really had an easy time listening to SONA 2005. What I had diffiuclty with wass GMA's facial expression---the overall impact of her emotions expressed in face and body. I could tell that she did not like the content of her speech at all. I theorize that she was not the hand behind the statement, but some manouvering force that could be one man with a tabako, or an entire party...or army. The sad face she had after the speech, it says it all...is the end near for me? So ayun, I did not count on a lot of questions being answered or issues dealt with. The ChaCha part was the real thing for me. I am one with Pia Cayetano, all motives aside, what in the Senate and House of Rep's "peaceful" co-existence is the source of our country's problem? Di ko rin nagustuhan, although alang magagawa ang contrast nila Drilon at JDV (diba kamukha nya si Garfield?) I close this segment with this: cosmetic changes will never suffice. We need leadership through example, service through sacrifice from top to bottom. This gives me more reason to not leave Pnas.

Pasensya na, di talaga pwede iwasan tong issue. I could not hide my feelings and thoughts on this matter. It would be irresponsible of me to leave this matter to those in power.

So ayun, sarap ng lunch. Spent the afternoon reading Econ, PS 150, and 171. Di ko nasimulan yung Geog paper ko, ewan those moment kasi na cge i-outline ko na, or i-type ko na tapos sasagi sa isip mo na opya, may Wednesday pa okay? HooraY! Yehey! Yes way! Oh yeah babhey!

Tinignan ko ulit yung ad ng inq7 sa PDI, title is Talking Heads tapos nakita ko si Mam Carlos. Miss ko na talaga 110. Not only the faces there, but the thrill...there's something unique to 110...not that it makes me think more, or not that I feel challenged or flattered that Mam Carlos tends to bombard me with questions, most of the time I thank God I could answer adequately.

Sabi ko kay Celine at Farrah nung asa jeep kami pauwi. A good number of my answers to Mam Carlos' questions or ideas I throw to the class are more of Hail Mary things. And if ever I do feel confident with my answers, I say a prayer or two before ma'am rolls her eyes and establishes eye contact.

I like professors who have this eye contact with students, contact that is assuring, unwavering, comforting...in as much as threatening, taxing to the mind. Most of the time, it helps me. Ewan, merong kapayapaan sa moments of adversity: "O Mr. Sanchez what do you make up of this?" "yes, Sanchez." "Popo ano yun?" "Would Mr. Sanchez like to shed light on this matter?"

Mga ganun, from recent profs, shuks tlaga, ewan, there is a soothing feeling kapag nasa moment ka na tapos on the spot yung tanong ng prof. Intellectually stimulating, tapos kapag jackpot...oollalala! Minsan haunting, minsan, ewan.

I must say this pa pala, kanina after months of being distant from each other, nakausap ko na through text ang lost long bowling bud ko among the female ranks of the Bowling Team. Taga- Archi siya, sophie. The cute thing about her, is not just her looks but her energy that can only equaled by Mau's. We have a lot of good memories together, basically so because we worked together on the logisitics team, I as externals head, and she as finance head. Ang isa pang cute dun ay yung tawagan namin. Since yung mga fwends nya ay nasa Palawan pa, ako yung ginawa niyang stuffed toy...tawag nya sa akin Moja Moja...from Mojackot the anime orange ball of kadaldalan at kalokohan. So yun, sobrang miss ko na to. So much. Pinangako ko sa kanya na di ako aalis ng UP na hindi ko siya nakikita...at malamang sa next event naman talga magkikita kami...so malamang di malayo yun. And I have no intention to break that promise. Pero ganun talga, mga friends ko rin sa Eng'g from high school sobrang bihira ko na makita.

So yung, chinika ko siya, chinika nya ako. Hehe alala ko tlaga kasi kinukurot nya lagi yung pisngi ko, lil sis ko talga sa Peyups to..one of few who somehow sees me through my complexities.

So ayun, parang pinipisil nanaman nya kagabi. Sabi ko rin, pag nagpapayat na ako, ititira kong huggable, kissable, at pisil-able ang pisngi ko (teka panu yun?)

Ah siomai, Wherever You Will GO tinutugtog...awww....

Dinedebate ko mom ko ngayon about the SONA....at least prehas kaming inclined sa federal form. Nalabuan lang me kay GMA kasi Parliamentary-Federalism ang dichotomy or rather amalgamation niya.

I have strong belief na there is a song or two in us. There's harmony. There's joy in particular highs and lows of life. We approach our own predicaments with a cliche. Yes, we have our own cliches...some line we like to subscribe to. If only to lessen the feeling of guilt, of despair, of emptiness.

Whaatever people may think of me, I am my man. I am the master of my day, the lord of instances, the ruler of my flashes, the weilder of my fortunes.

When I commit myself, I put my all...my trusting character allows me to be so dedicated. I pray I don't get spread too thinly, so much so I lose flavor like the butter sandwich I had kanina na naglasang harina or yeast---the sour flavor.

The point of order for this blog? 1, 2, 3...can you dig your groove? Have you found your song or are you living in the lie of some other person's tune?

If we keep on thinking how much other people can do better than poor us, then we are doomed.

You are your man. Free to make that choice. Free to dance, free to join. There is little to be had in a life of envy and grudge.

Stand witness to the events that happen in such a boring day, notice people around you..small as GMA, tall as Shaq. The small things my friend...small moments that led to two becoming one..from staring at each other in a bus or jeep, from sharing a common interest say in sports, or just happening to be in each other's path....the details...

Ang tanong ko lang? Kelan ko malalaman? Paano?

Set yourself free. God meant for you to live, not be a slave of horoscopes, some other person's career, even Friendster mood meters....

This entry comes for free

And now I shall use the courier small font to make things a bit friendly to the eyes.

So passes another week.

Interviewer: So how are you feeling right now?
Heart Evangelista: I'm OK. I'm TREMENDOUS!

Uhm.

Uhm...okay...so let's all be tremendous shall we? I'd be Mr. Tremendously Sexy anytime.

The sun rises tomorrow to declare the birth of another day, for you and me. It is a privilege that comes for free with no strings attached. If there is such thing as absolute freedom, I say that it comes with birth---vassals no more, slaves no more. Imagine a world without such structures and classes identified by Marx. Imagine a world where you and I breath fresh air, see lush green fields, not worry whether or not our resumet is to look good or bad when time comes and the employer is reading right through it without any facial reactions that would prove useful in finding out right then and there whether you have the job or you go bug some other company off.

To be able to think of this, is another privilege that comes for free.

Was browsing through two Reader's Digest issues a while back. Came across a section that really made me laugh. You're entitled to your own. The section was all about 18 English words that should be in the dictionary (though for now, they are not) because they explain terms and concepts that are not named or defined. In other words, some loopholes in the English language were given appropriate names.

Example?

Eyesberg- the look a teenage boy gives his mom when he gets caught or when he is in a heated debate.

Ankissipation- happens in a couple, when at a given intimate moment, neither of them wants to make a move...and kiss the other. There of course, is the anticipation.

...just read the article.

Last Friday, I had a rather long ride home. The FX was packed. And I, being the larger party, had to squeeze out my ass just to show fellow riders that I know who's the one making things difficult for them and yes, I do want to lose fifty pounds or so. I haven't been ridiculed much for my size lately, it's me who does the fooling around with myself. That said, just keep your fingers crossed that by first sem 2006...I'd be a remodified person...resting on the assumption that one can never be entirely changed.

And yes, wishing you could cut off 50 pounds and then so accordingly lord it over the woman of your dreams, if any, would be far easier: comes for free.

I think, I am slowly losing all decency in me. Hormones taking over reason and prinicple? Practicality to answer the call of nature? I pray not. Three examples. One, I get excited when I see R-18 movies lighting up cinema line-ups more than at any point in my life. Art films, yes that's what they call some of them. Do I go inside and watch? Thank God no. Hell no! Two, I lose manners and proper social conduct (which we really had to learn in front of teachers, as a sub-course for a year in high school). How? I think twice before giving a seat to a young woman or an old lady in a PUV. In the end, I do give the seat, much to the relief of men around. I think my size helps me be generous, as I pass the blame to "me" (for making the vehicle get so crowded). Then the lady thanks me and gives me that look of suspicion. Then she calls her boyfriend, mindful of where my eyes are rolling to. I MEAN, WHAT THE...? It's one thing to thank me, another to make me suffer for the absence of a partner in life by making me look like a chance-taker. This is not generalization, just sharing of thoughts. When in stairways, I'm beginning to enjoy bulldozing everyone beside me with use of my big bag. At times, I miscalculate due to the balooning size of my bag, but now, I tend to do it on purpose. And three, like delivery truck punks, I tend to take long looks at attractive women...particularly the eyes. I would be a hypocrite to say that I do this without malice. It would be more of lying to say I did not enjoy the staring exercises.

And I know, looking at women makes me look more of a whore than a slut. DAMN.

God spare me the rod. But if I am enjoying all three acts and am actually learning how they could be useful in my system...I might as well be branded as typical!!!

For some reason, I dislike the term STREET SMART. To me, it becomes pejorative at times. In as much as I have problems with the word PRACTICAL. Main reason? I am not such.

I don't play the game of the streets. I don't gamble, drink, drive, smoke, strut off my riches or brag about my abilities and intellect. These, I can be proud of. The only STREET SMARTISH quality I have is the courage to ask questions with humility and yet with much enthusiasm.

Oh the flare is there.

That's how I got around U.P. as a freshie, asking around...and then in turn learning the tricks of the trade, sometimes disappointed like the way I view certain student formations, sometimes elated like in knowing that I'm not the only one saving money by not taking lunch...and yes, I don't eat lunch in U.P. on a regular basis... thanks to heavy breakfast. =) But don't worry, my parents are great providers...and then some. That's how I ressurect my bank accounts after a month of ludicrous spending.=( or ;)

Thanking loved ones? Comes for free. (and please, sms won't cost you much)
Correcting my corrupted system with a prayer and then some? Free.

Ohkay, ratings are going down.

Someone's spying and stalking me. Someone must have liked the toddler pic I now use as Friendster primary pic. I don't know how many of them lurk around. But I like the feeling.

I keep on telling Mau and Celine...ala na atang magkaka-gusto sa akin. Of course they tell me things that lead to the otherwise argument. Then I realize, I still have much to offer. Yet I guess it won't be how much you offer but how much love you can give that will be your yardstick. Sir Jamon....thank you. Ma'am Grace has some great husband in you.

It's not how much you have to offer, but how much you have given and are willing to give regardless the economic value.

Jason, Kristian, Neil, Dom...you have the capital you can at any time invest in the woman of your dreams. As for me, I have my aces...definitely not my looks and size...but 2006...may just eliminate both our of the equation...restoring good old pre-calorie-infested me...naks...some covenant. God, please, grant me the chance to better myself.

Getting much needed ammunition to fire up your love life? Free.

One word that I frequently encountered this month: MAVERICK.. From the movie starring Mel Gibson, to the very dictionary word, to pol sci classses....referring to unsure players and violators of the rules.

Reading 110 articles? Haven't reviewed a single sentence. Hope for the best August 10. Doing Geog paper? Not even looked up a single source!

I am to give a short discussion to orient new Buklod CSSP recruits to the Circle of Individuals regarding the Education and Research Committee. Haven't thought of what to say. Some sources tell me that prosects for next year's elections are going to be there. Yum, yum! Some of them, from Pol Sci. Ahem. Some are idealists, some volunteers, some kind souls one with the cause. But to my mind, I am to orient people so close to me about a political party's business.

To those I am to meet this August for the 1st Orientation...take comfort in the knowledge that progress and reform is taking place within the party, and that no, I will not make you experience for admiration and emulation's sake the doom of the times in U.P. politics but challenge you to respond to whatever be given to you because you have to...nobility and strength in your principles.

When I get the speech right, I'd be my spirited speaker of the old times again.

And by the way, do join the Junior Philippine Geographic Society. Open to all students with the passion for Geography and all things "spatial"---which is practically everything. Geog...coz it's more than maps and capitals!!! No rigorous app proces (this is a national prof'l thing), P250 annual membership...for inquiries contact the Secretariat...well, that would be yours truly =)

Also, do join the PPSA(?)...fellow Pol Sci peepz, see you in Bohol this sem break. Guys, please participate...contact SIr Tigno, Sir Naval or Mam Rebullida about this.

Promise, the gloves will be off come that time. Heheehe.

Now, I am slowly figuring out what I want to be beyond campus life.

Plotting out your chartered course? Free.
Not being shallow? Free.

Waking up tomorrow to bacon and eggs, hot coco, great morning breeze, CNN up with you and church just a tricycle away (nauuna ako so I commute)? Free.

Having this chance to share my inner thoughts and feelings? Free.

The price of the sum of all free things in the world? PRICELESS.

And LOVE. You are an abstract idea that never doubts. Many doubt you, yet you never return the favor.

Oh LOVE, fill the solstice with moonlight. Break the clouds that deprive us of sight to the skies. Oh Love, make couples kiss and others be at peace. Oh love, restore in me the faith in my men and in my God. OH love let me dream on, of a family, of children's laughter...my kids I shall nurture and raise into lovers and people of righteous hearts, of a future I long for.

Oh love, make the night be as the moon dictates. So that we may all see our beloved's face and caress their skin in song and in poetry til the breaking of the dawn.

God be our witness.

A blue day

Before anything else, thanks Rania for helping me out to get the links section of this blog up and about. At least you won't be seeing much green and black.

Also, thank you Celine for confiding with me, entrusting me your inner thoughts on matters of importance may they be in gray areas or coloful pages of your life and mine.

Last Tuesday afternoon, I enjoyed a rather blue day. Nohoho, this is not because of my depression, angst, and bitterness on things I could not just have. God answered me by saying: Son, you better learn to master the art of patience and waiting on me." Grai helped me realize other things about this realization last night. But indeed, talking about people and their issues will do me not much good. Instead, sharing ideas and visions of someday seems more productive as long as they are accompanied by concrete action. This has been my battlecry when it comes to the GMA issue, good luck with your SONA Madam President. It is not about the people, it is about the forces behind their minds and actions. It is not the structure, but the values and fundamentals that led to the creation of such. But ofcourse, being too idealist taints my view as well...to the point I refuse to believe that...

Idelism has left me vulnerable to attacks I consider to be positive and helpful. My refusal to be blunt about things has broken me...battered my ego, shamed me. Then again, when all is said and done, I'm glad I stuck up with my ideologies.

I hope the world was a bit kinder to me. Well, that's why we're here...to become the world we so bravely fought against in our youth or attempted to change once we had the chance. There's always another chance, and always another fight.

Ah yes, why was my day blue? It was blue all around not only because my pen "inked loose" or "nagtae ang bolpen kong blue na tinatago-tago ko sa bag". That is one of the reasons why, although there seems to be no connection, I use black ink pens and markers.

Did I mention I love the smell of Pentel pen exposed? Something nausiating, something that captures and paralyzes my senses...of course it does exactly that but I like it nonetheless.

As I was saying, Atenean friends of mine I'd keep with the code names Francis, Carlo, Donald, and Chris who I last meant ages ago invited me to play ball. They live in Marikina, so distance mattered less. From a great 150 class I rushed home to get to play-ball mode. I must admit I have not had played basketball full-court since 2002 when I twisted a knee bone and voila...went on self-rehab.

I met those dudes in summer camp...Chemistry Camp in Ateneo, sports camps, and eventually, around the city. They by the way were not really a bunch in the beginning. Out exploits with learning Chemistry and basketball simply hinged the friendship.

I flattered them about girls in UP stories, them might having the preference for Atenean boys over La Sallites...oops Ian, Keo and Aljo (cousins from DLSU) lam ko wag ma-offend, kung sa bagay wag nyo na lang basahin to hehe...by the way, long time no see...yan kasi mga taga-Paranyakweh! No they're fine with this. We don't talk about their school's rivalry with ADMU.

Ah yes, and there were UAAP stories.

And yes, their desire to experience UP fishball and isaw just rolling down their intestines.

We culminated the reunion of sorts with a long, explosive (laughing and stuff) conversation in a Net Cafe..in that new mall...in my neighborhood. I came to realize, God I need some fresh faces. No, not that I am tired of UP faces...but I guess their stories from a place I alienate because of my bias for UP were more than what I expected. I really have a bias against rich-kid peepz, due to experience that's why I stay-off Libis and Rockwell and stuff...=)

They to me, were great exceptions. They were so full of life, of plans, of wishful thinking instead of gimmicks, bragging about good lucks and girls (ala kasi sila nun hehe), and cars (yan, meron si Francis nyan).

One important matter we discussed was the problem I Carlo have: Peeakaboo! You want a girl. She kinda likes you and is willing to take the chance. BUT. You decide that it'd be best if you develop as friends. And so goes the roller coaster. You enjoy the friendship that when time came, you face reality: that it cant't go any further...ALL YOU COULD BE IS FRIENDS. It's not your loss...try to comfort yourself with that, but it is a LOSS still. You want more, but all you could settle for is frienship, basically because you thought that was the prerequisite before romance and intimacy and she likes to keep it at that.

To restate the dilemma in a question: Ever wondered why few best friends ever become husband and wife?

I think this will doom me if I go on. But of course, some are really meant for each other. Others, better go fish.

No but really, we had some time talking about this. The answeres did not really come that easily. I don't know, but do you think UP ladies set love life aside more than Ateneans? Donald replied that women in Ateneo can be equally difficult. Well dude, that's what happens if your building is named Schmidt Hall and your classes are all about Chemistry.

Those said and then some, we as a group sighed, drank iced tea (oh yes my fave) and moved on to another topic.

I have to cut this blog short, magsasara na ang SSP Com Lab (lunch break). Much was said and done that eventful night. Much accomplished. Yun yung parang Fundador moments sa TV, mga toasts nyo dahil malayo-layo na rin narating nyo at alam nyong next time...milya na!

And yes, sobrang patawa ako at indi corny dun for some reason, napalabas wacky side ko again!

I won't be seeing those guys in a long while. Such a sad thing. Cyempre silang Atenista magkakasawaan dun. But for every moment we played basket (at tinambakan kami namin yun mga locals cyempre ako yung malaking poste sa ilalim), tossed the coin, talked about love and life, etc...everything seemed better, more meaningful...just like my conversations with my great friends on the links list.

And they helped me get my basketball groove back..oh yeah!

To all you God's children, isang tagay sa tagumpay!

Engine break

I will never be a good driver...

Just as I will never be a good flirter....

Just as I will never be a good debater.....

Just as I will never be a good disaster......

For I will ever be, a far better disaster than any that came before me.

We often associate ourselves with the experience of driving. We somehow manage to find connections or explanations from the aformentioned act to our very own private lives.

I am one with you in this. I must admit, the only driving I did thus far was step on the accelerator pedal and moved an L300 FB for about a meter. My uncle, rather distraught by my terrified look after the short trip, tried to encourage me to put the pedal to the metal for at least some more meters.

I by the way was eleven. The issue was not that I could not reach the pedal, it was just I dared not to. The all the more disturbing, or shall I say humiliating truth then was that I was attempting to drive an L300(all power...dual aircom...real strong brute...)in an open unpaved road of stone and sand in our Zambales vacation outhouse lot with nothing to hit, except the house some thousand of steps away, a tree maybe 100 meters away and well, other stones than were the size of a marble. No cars, no trees, no crossing carabaos and I just could not move the damn thing.

My heart was pounding, the gear was rather more of a stick to my eye than a stick to move vehicles for miles.

I was afraid. My uncle took over, gave me a lesson or two, but I paid no attention.

The experience? Not really traumatic per se, something else. Humiliating? Not even. Humbling? Yes. I could have used a whooping or two back then. Well, Uncle Eddy was rather patient. So, he just gave the concerned look and took over the gear.

Now he's in the United States. I hear he is delivery department chief now. As for me? Haven't moved a car since. Once, yes, I backed off down our steep garage. It was a sedan, a low car, so guess what? I heard screeching sounds below me. Dad jokingly said I backed off too fast, so much that the chassis or the metal underneath was already hitting the concrete. I jokingly reacted, pressuring the brake pedal with my dear life, and said that scratching of the metal would not have happened if the garage wasn't so steep in the first place. Anyway, all things are cool with my dad. He just likes to keep things simple. Simply put, he watched me back off that poor car and see how much white paint was scraped off. I never want to look back on this again. O the agony! ;(

You may wonder as to why I am so fond of reminiscing my driving mishaps.

Was on another of them jeepney rides home. I have developed this cheeful side of me when inside a jeepney, or any public utility vehicle for that matter. I need not say, I love commuting! What is this cheeful habit? I love to pass the payment of fellow commuters to the driver or the one seated nearer to him. When on the move from UP towards home, I try to make myself happy by looking around for hands reaching out. I honestly love the sensation of the coins being put to your hand and coin's ridges gently rubbing against your skin fresh from alcohol application.

Alcohol and metal together smell good.

Going back, yeah I do take great pains to look around, strain my neck and find helpless passengers eagerly begging that someone submit their proofs of compliance to the fiscal laws. Another relatively good habit of mine is to sing with the radio at times to the point I get heard more than the speaker's output. It just happens that I do know the lyrics of the songs they play on the radio. Like a while back, The Day You Said Goodnight by Hale. Their lead singer Champ has this way of thickening his voice to the point that it sounds as if he's eating the words (listen to Broken Sonnet, the part where he does IN-SAYYRRRYYYD) something like that. When I pronounce the "S" parts or lines that begin or end with the letter S, I do it with a little emphasis. Most of us do...yeah I do think we pronounce the S with some funk.

The real bad part about my jeepney rides happens once in a blue moon, but are worth mentioning. See, some friends of mine from the office, alumni office, church, and extra-UP stuff to even some UP people love to miss call me to make a point or get my attention. The problem with me is that I do a quick draw on this. Remember cowboy gun draws? I snatch my phone from the pocket handle quicker than I solve math. Furthermore, I answer the phone. Thing with me is that I have no concept of engine break...the part when the car slows down by itself and makes the vroooooooom-boooom-boooom sound that slowly dies.

I have no concept of engine break...something just got to me.

So, as routine, I answer the phone. Of course, the person who miss calls...fearful of a seven peso loss far greater than Tony Blair fears his rebate in the EU, without hesitation presses the "put down the freakin phone" button. My mistake? I continue the conversation as if the person really did make a call with the same intention. Yes, I go on for two minutes doing "Ya, I'll be there, okay, what's the problem, oh dear, really?, how come? call my landline okay?, no problem" in random cycles PRETENDING that someone's on the other side.

I deliberately do this for two mintues, I think once or twice a month. But I like it.

Makes me feel better actually. Katipunan and Marcos Hi-way traffic jams are real evil.

So, as Mau wants to know by now, what is the moral of this blog?

Well kids, there is none....joke! See, if you subscribe to the idealist framework of thinking, you tend to think better of yourself...far from those realists who stick their heads in the puddle of mud. Idealists stick their heads in the clouds. Which can be a good thing come trouble time.

A Christian bias also allows your idealism to shine. I think, we're more idealist than cynical. We are 90 percent idealist, 9 percent realist and a percent cynical. We just give more importance to the one percent. Friends, let us not underestimate our quality, or the quality of the one who made us. If this leads to death, then let it be. At least we understand beauty.

But at times, I wonder how far my idea of a better world and life can go.

I need to be humbled. Something Celine said couple of hours back did that to me. No, we did NOT fight. Just something she said that caught my attention...real good.

I have no concept of engine break. I am the guy who takes the blows of this world with a smile on my face. I am the one who'd rather sit it down than stand up fighting with anyone about nothing.

But of course, this makes noisy screeches, the machine that is my body is taking things too fast and too strong like me backing off that car. It will come to a point of breaking down.

We wonder what type of struggle awaits us...the one that will define us and give us the glory. We anticipate. We wait for that defining challenge. Jose Rizal got shot. Andres Bonifacio got betrayed and then shot. What happens to me? How shall I face my demons when they rise?

Will I triumph?
What will people say of me?

What will my UP friends think?

That I was the boy who took love matters so seriously he kept on searching but no one really was meant for him? That he was a loud mouth speaker good in word play, lacking in thought? That he tried to go for change, but his kind get nowhere?

Or rather, that though he knew love as not coming to him yet in the form of his woman, he'd work for it til the end knowing he has in the final analysis, something more meaningful than riches, cars, intelligence to offer! That he was some loud mouth but at least he did it out of pure emotion! And that no, people who go for change and revolution do end up shaking this earth!

I'd like to think better of myself, not because of pride...but because I have to. If this is what takes to feed my engine, so be it.

I have no concept of engine break. I go forth to the clashing of the tides and see what happens. My case with her, I'd like to leave unresolved. It was my fault. I took the ride. I felt my momentum was good enough for her to let me in. I think she was open. I think, it was me who was playing genius, while in reality I am, still, vulnerable. If there's anyone I should apologize to for the strain and trouble, it should be her. But I do not think my sorry is acceptable. My car has hit the wall. It is beyond repair in this regard. And that is why I thank her. I know when she comes back, she better slap me. I saw her chatterbox comments. God knows she doesn't even care whether or not this blog exists. I think she knows of it, but why visit this blog?

But deep inside, I have cut her by making her perceive I was all that, all prepared, all good.

As a man, I say...it is my fault. It was her call. I did not dial the number.

I felt the emotion, I bought the feeling, I drove to a fast end.

Thank you for keeping this friendship afloat. I am trying to make it up to you.

END of TRANSMISSION

I won't make the same mistake again, I told Celine. I've given burdens to women, my dear friends by making them worry if were alright or if I were good. To clarify things: I AM SO OKAY...NEVER BEEN BETTER.

I will not hit the wall again, I won't even talk about it. Whatever I feel inside, I'd reveal in the proper time and place.

Kaming mga torpe, all we could do is wish our girl friends the best, kahit masakit.

I reflect and wish the best for Marian, Arianne, Pau, Rania, Grai, Celine, Karen, April, sila Gayle, Tin, Tin2, Jessa, Bads, and Farrah (dami pa e, UP pa lang yan..ganyan ka-lonely ang mundo hahaha). Kidding aside, I even dream about them findng their match. Celine, aminin =) Mau, meron ka na uhum.

At kina Jason, Kristian, Dom (uhum), Ferdie, Neil, Jess at kahit ka na Torvix.

I wish you all that. That comes for free.

DI AKO MARTYR , NAGPAPAKA_MARTYR pa nga ....(with tears) AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! JOKE, I AM HAPPY AND DAPPY SO LIKE ME!

NO Marian. NO Celine. I am not beating a new heart. I am not thinking of a new lady. I have dismissed the thought for sometime now. I will not allow my foolish desire get in the way of more important matters and people. Even if it means I have to pass this chance up because of circumstance. I will.

I have a fervent belief that if God intends for you two become one, He will allow it. And you will have to make that choice.

I have chosen to make a stand. A concrete wall to carefully collide with other cars out of control. This time, I'd be careful. That was my path at one time. Whay????

Is it because I'm redirecting my wishful thoughts?

I'd like to think of it as another of my better habits...this time...not on the highway, but the bi-ways of life...of the heart.


God fill your hearts will contentment, I am desperately trying to have.

The absence of a spark

(Zoom camera..action!)

Nescafe moments...cold mornings.

The mini-component keeps on playing tunes from a local pop radio station known for its rather frequent visits and tie-ups with U.P. I've never pissed off my neighbor with such deafening sounds before. I could hear them mumbling about the cranked up music. I hope I haven't lost respect or decency. Well, to prove I have not, I decide to lower it. Once in a while, I play a cd from my personal collection, those cds mom doesn't really know exist, those I managed to buy after much saving and sacrifice of allowance.

But after much to do with nothing than stare in a lovely piece of art by my sister, I crank up the knob several decibel levels closer to ear-shattering.

I lie down, think of what to write in the next paragraph of this blog. Hmmm...nothing enters. Second hand ticks, tocks, I stare harder at the green paint of my room, the forming cobwebs outside, the graphic equalizer of the poor sound system.

Nothing new enters, the absence of a spark. Lexical, plainly speaking, nothing enters my mind.

I save face from this emptiness by trying to read the article downloads for tomorrow's culminating report/debate in PS 167. The action word try really can get rather frustrating. You're just trying until you actually do it. Poor lonely word: try...as if it belongs to another category...outside the more progressive verbs like run, dance, make love, kill.

Perhaps blog about Friday? Empty faces, masquerade of life anew. I decide not. Form matters to me, and as far as this entire blog compilation goes, I've had my fair share of talking about days and giving them much credit for the character of particular moments of my life. Enough of passing the blame. Enough of wondering why calendars move to the right and down.

Time to write something new. Nothing to do with days, my depressions according to some, my anxiety, trepidation stirring within before the breaking of my heart.

For aesthetics, for depth, enough of the old blogging ways. But in all starts, having an empty uninspired mind was never part of my plan. So I begin to wonder. Is it because you know so much it itches you to share them? Is it because you're blogging beside your boyfriend or girlfriend that's why you can't run out of exciting stories?

I wonder how life is when you always have someone to hold on to, someone not confined to your cellphone, someone who has reason to be in your house right beside you...caressing you, whispering tales of 1 flats and girl talk into your weary soul. I wonder what that luxury does to you. Indeed, things you can think of in the absence of a spark.

Tick tock. Perspiration slowly creeps down the side of my head to the handles of my glasses. The tickly sensation goes along with the washing away of the grime, the awful soft metallic paint scraped off my glasses. Stains on the skin. Residue of powder I put in my face while I impersonated Randy David and Mike Enriquez slowly gets blown off with something on my hair, maybe a snowflake maybe dandruff. Humidity warms my body. My soul is stirring.

To be quite frank, I have not taken good care of my body lately---the past years. I have dreadful eating habits, with a bad schedule. I am more carnivorous than Hannibal himself. I sleep less. I smile less, though all can see me trying. And try is all I can do.

What a lesser man am I? All I can do is try. Try to study, try to say hello, try to be friendly, try to love and satisfy that craving for something else outside my realm....outside my world, outside the cranked up radio, the PC, the noise of family downstairs, the ranting of my neighbor.

Am I dissatisfied? I know I am not. I just want more. The absence of a spark is just rather much of a hindrance. As if I've lost all word play the week over with a slur of questions from 110, reports here and there, an econ exam, extra-curricular stress specially from someone in Malacanang...the daily encounters of the lesser kind in our lives.

Then I sit, move to the computer chair, decide to blog on this. I toy with the mouse, pressing the maximize button and then minimizing the window. Illusions. Then I sigh. To the cabinet, my wardrobe I look. I noticed there has been some re-arrangements. New polos and shirts are in courtesy of Ate Sharon. The stipes, the buttons, the pockets...I could not even imagine myself wearing those. I inspect for creases, as if to inspect, and then smile for a while. I'm getting pretty graphic. I sit again to type about the latest developments.

There is no climax, no resolution. I won't even call it stress. That is unfair. That is a mere excuse.

The track shifts to number 9 "My Beautiful Woman". A quick smooth slick beat follows.

Shifting shadows of tree leaves from the backyard's tall tree plays around the blinders.

I dance a step or two, mindful of this observation and typing it. Something about that song. If the title says it all, there must be something wrong with my system. I dance to the tune that expresses desire of a woman??? There is something wrong.

I sip cold Hershey's milk chocolate. I put back my books and readings to the shelf. I notice the plastic wrapper I haven't used...and have no plans in using them to cover my books.

Thank God I passed Econ. Thank God my reports, and our (group) reports were given much commendation from the class and professors.

I sent a clear message to Celine and Farrah, reporters in 110 some nights back. Great speakers are not born, they're made. (When you get up there)...your mission? Get response (from your audience).

The framed pol sci batchamate picture on the study table reminds me of people in it. I develop inferiority complex when you're all around me. So please, do not pull yourself down.

Farrah asked me to comment on her performance. She heralded her own report as somewhat mediocre. Now, that is something for sore ears and tummies to me. I move along the picture from left to right in that Galleria 3 shot. Some chemistry within tickles my stomach. Then it comes to me, my little word of encouragement: "Kung duda kayo sa sarili niyo, paano na ang hamak na tulad ko?" It was vivid and then clearer what I said in reply: "Hindi. Kung pangit man yun hindi halata."---as if to comfort her. I do not intend to pull myself down to put others up in the pedestal. That's lying. When I say you are good, when I tell a friend that he or she impressed me...I mean it. A lot of people who have interest in this fine lady, or other great ladies I know should read my blogs. There...be mesmerized.

Celine. sure enjoyed that short Ikot jeepney stint. When girl friends continuously tell me stories, the more I try to establish eye contact. Thanks for the energy. Too bad 110 is an exam away.

Marian, answer his call. Be the woman you are meant to be.

One of the indicators you've found your one is when she gives you chance to converse and spills it out. When her stories never cease and she taps you or squeezes you as if a friend. Then it hits you. This lady doesn't just care for you as a friend, she is willing to dig deeper. When you look back straight into her eyes and become lost in her stories, you just try but you know trying won't bring you victory. You succumb. You feel so light, heart pounds. If only you could say something to make her go on and take off her outer defenses in the process. If only you held the keys to her heart. If only time and space could bring you a tat closer, when shes doesn't avoid you and you don't fear her presence.

I've tried to give full account of this phase and my small room. It is hunting time in Siberia. Cool breeze enters the room. I should save on electricity and start using the fan. It's July. I'm alone.

And until that someone comes to me, I shall remain in the emptiness of my multitudes for awhile.

She is not my salvation. She is not the half-meant chorus of a song. She is one of them sparks.

Alas, the PC buzzes. Must be something from the Messenger. I wake to move on to tomorrow in all her uncertainty, in all her...(gasps)

We want moments of consistency. We long to be well-aware of things around us. We want to see the details and see how they work in our favor.

God be your favor. And through Him, you will never want, never be empty, never seek for things and persons you know are beyond your reach. NOt because you can't get to their level, but because your realm is simply in conjuncture with another's.

(Camera pans, moves out)

Straightforward proposition of a crooked mind

Gay 1 said to gay 2: Ay alam mo kasama ko yung lola mo kahapon. Aba'y nagsiksikan ang mga pasaway sa tabi ko dun sa Wheel of Fortune. Aba aba aba, may black-eye ang lola mo. Nasapak kasi ang bakla kaya yan, leche kasi maharot at pasaway...charoz! Lam mo kapatid, nahipuan ko yung.... (the rest is not for my innocent readers)

I still can't believe I was sitting right beside these two gays on my SSS jeepney ride home. Fortunately, no Paolos were touched or harmed in this whole excersise of complete lesbian lingo jingo. I know a lot of lesbians with great personalities, certainly not these vulgar sluts.

Damn these sluts...damn vulgar sluts! Argh, hahahaha!!!...ahem.

Anyway.

For the faint of heart, better not watch what's going on with the Republic in your television sets. For those who think they can swallow this madness that is Philippine politics, go on...take the plunge...don't even bother to think if it is not in moderation.

Was listening to Randy David and Fr. Bernas over ANC last night. At least I was able to have a grasp from two people from opposite spectrums when it comes to faith and philosophy. Prof. David, a self-professed atheist, schooled as well connected with Fr. Bernas, the title says it all, also schooled. You see, if these people can meet in the end, why not the capitalist and communist? Why not the rich and the poor? Why not me and _______? Nevermind that.

Point is, there is hope, there is room for compromise, there is room left for praying, hoping, and wishing.

I was with Alyansa and Buklod CSSP in a candle-lighting ceremony last night at the Sunken Garden. Was I fulfilled hearing all those moving speeches, seeing familiar and then strange faces, smelling all that candle smoke that sure covered my nose and handkerchief with charcoal-like black?

Of course not. I stand by faith with works as a way of life though I know that is better said than done. What makes politics any different?

Was I content with all the soul-searching I did on whether I should keep mum and follow party policy or should I blog about this independently? I choose the latter. Besides, this is multi-perspectivism, pluralism, our ideals---so why not uphold my views in the open?

So should you.

I've always believed in a silent majority. What I refuse to believe is that this majority chooses to sit and pretend to be thinking. Please. I consider myself to be part of the silent majority...I hope I am though, part of the contemplating bracket. This bracket takes pride in being able to manouver history through history once it decided to speak and do something---French Revolution, EDSA 1 name it.

For indeed, it is the majority. We maybe the only ones left quiet though. We should not be like the crowd that watched Christ get nailed to the Cross like what was shown in that haunting movie starring Christina Ricci. They were the spectators, felt nothing but intrigue watching Christ suffer.

Damn us if we choose to watch suffering, poverty, ignorance.

Damn this university if we choose to be divided and blinded. We are this university, we are people of the university---the body, the ones who owe a ton to this great republic.

I just feel so spirited today about these matter of politics. So much so that I don't even care whether or not this blog will end up as a boring piece of directionless pointless craft or something more of a piece of art. I don't even want you to laugh. Most of my blogs were not really meant to make you laugh. Although some were intended to, I guess I just don't know how to make my humor work nowadays.

In the end, I have myself to thank and blame.

I just want to re-state what I so proudly stated couple of blogs before, in relation to what both men said. Want a cure?

Be the cure.

Want hope? Be that hope. Want to make the big picture function as you wish? Be the small catalyst for progress and change. Your smallest of small decisions conspire in some inspiring melody to create the song of your life---how is that supposed to sound?

My point? Don't treat high-level problems with high-level nonsense. The issue with this republic is that it has really doused fire not with water, but fire. How's that supposed to do any good?

So this whole mess is not merely confined to Malacanang, to leadership, to systems of governance. Oh no no no, don't think of it as such. In fact, questions on these matters are better left second.

Instead, answer the more mushy, cheesy, soft questions that lead to hard generalizations. Such questions like: Do we as a people have moral ascendancy to countryhood? We all discuss this in class, we just don't do much about it. Before we blabber about moral ascendancy to presidency, let us talk about our ascendancy as a people. Since anyway, we are the sovereign. Let us not make assertions without haste and thought. This is the pressing question, not of the day, but forever. And I repeat...forever as a concrete concept. Nations were turned to states in the eyes of scrupulous history because people chose to. They considered or may have considered by peace and war such questions as: What is our national vision? What are moral qualifications for the next leader? What social order must be in place? What value systems must the country subscribe to? What role do the small people have in this revolution?

Our people thought these were better left in the steeple of a church, the pulpit, the altar. Well, now they know these matters define countryhood. It is the political, social, economic so whatever order and condition that help create real consensus. But these come from a matter of greater importance.

Ask this: What is the condition of our heart? Yes, the cheesiest yummiest of all them soft questions.

I do not wish to mislead the reader or avoid GMA's issue. I think she needs to look deep inside and act accordingly or else face the wrath of the disenfranchised. I think she still has conscience and that will take her to breaking down point. When that time comes, I think she'd step down. Voices around her would consider it wise to let her free will work instead of force. But her stepping down and letting the wheels of law prevail will cost us big time. Her staying there and the status quo ensuing would just be costly anyway.

And of course, those 40-50 thousand strong in Makati now are united in calling her to step down. United in that area, but all divided in answering the question: what next? There is no alternative worthy of command. There is no head figure. Which gives the status quo a rightful argument...that for survival.

Besides, the number 40-50 thousand out of 85 million doesn't really tell me a lot of their resolve, their unity, and even their motives. How evil of me.

Then the third option is for her to continue while a new government is installed. Yes, the FVR, JDV, so watchamacolit plan.

I have a problem with this. I think I'm not alone in saying that a government structure change to a parliament or to a federalist one does not address the underlining need for social reform and consensus. IT DOES NOT. The Americans tried that when they gave us the Commonwealth...we were not ready. Now perhaps we know our own men and so we might find it easier to apply. STILL, I DON'T THINK SO.

LEt's not get started with the anomalous Council of Elders-like Revolutionary Government. Who are they? What are they supposed to accomplish? Does this move unite or divide? Who has the power? Where's GMA going to be?

Sometimes it comes to me, why don't we just be governed by an authoritarian dude and his henchman?

I guess we love our freedoms so much. Do we deserve it? Are we ready?Oops!

Or if we're really this problematic, maybe we might try them all! Let's cha cha to national obliteration!

Long live the monarchy under Queen Regine Velasquez!!! Pweh. Hehehe! I'd be the baron of Cainta anytime. Perhaps the dutch of Rizal? ahem...

These are some options with some shallow insights from yours truly.

I intend to let you decide. I myself am amazed at the difficulty. You judge.

Uhm, that's why the irony of this blog is the title. Paradox indeed. How do you come up with a STRAIGHTFORWARD PROPOSITION?

Why? Because we do not have solidarity as a country of Filipinos with a Filipino heart. So much for Christendom claims of our bishops....we are all foul beasts not worthy of Christ or even salvation in the first place. Hey, no one in this cosmos is. So I say we make ourselves worthy of some respect.

Address the grassroots issue and give the majority the role in shaping their Philippines. I pray no civil war leads us to this. We're still a young country. Too late is not part of our vocabulary. We are resilient. We are dreamers. Then perhaps, on a clear view we can drive to some future when order shall reign...

and important matters are not left to us crooked minds of the faithful some people keep on trying to keep silent or inside a church.

To someone out there: Hey, hey hey, sweet baby. There's a way. Just stand up and fight it. There's a way for you to decide on it. Never give up. Everything will be alright now . Oh your love...

Don't make them take away your beautiful smile.

---now how did this line get in here???? damn hahahahahaaaaa! (then sighs)

this friday will be a complete disaster, not only do i have to reckon with the thought of a flunking or say a pasang-awa grade, i have to do a Mike Enriquez in 150 hahaha....kastigador!!! di namin kayo tatantanan...

leche ka pao...leche ka ahahahaha! hay ang lola mo!!! charoz!

shete. =)

Just a reminder. At least I broke some silence. God help the republic!

I choose to die

Heard the song "I just want to live"?...I think that's from the band Good Charlotte..

Well, let's just make the proper adjustments and say... I just want to die. And I'm pretty serious about this one.

But do not worry, this is not an attempt to catch your attention. This, as I said is dead serious. But as you will find out in the latter portion of this blog, I may as well like the kind of death I am trying to raise here.

This is it. This can't get any better, or shall I say worse. Am alone in an internet cafe, in a new mall...couple of blocks away from home. I feel the cool breeze from the airconditioner. I smell the aroma of brewing coffee. I hear depressing Japanese music. I see nothing but the blue and black of the PC in front of me. My mind is drifting from images of Celine and her naughty smile to thoughts of whether or not that farmer did propser in a very elastic set-up. Damn.

But wait, this is but another repetition of them vicious cycles of my bland complicated life!

I use this word once in a blue moon, but might as well lose all proper conduct and utter this word just this time: FUCK!

Feels good...FUCK! I've released the feeling of uncertainty. Ever experienced it? A time you can't explain how you feel that you just use such demeaning words to make yourself feel a bit better, stronger.

God curse me if I'm doing wrong. God, I just want to be true to myself.

There...happy? I said the word no one expects me to say. Convinced that I'm human? There, I've broken my proud armor and let down this slinger of a word.

Why do I act to prove so much to so many people?

I know, I am inferior and I have nothing to offer. Let's review this happy little people of the world. And by the way, I am feeling thankful and gay today...so I'm not depressed, I don't feel tired...I don't feel anything. As I said, I can't explain this feeling. I am suspended in motion.

And no friends, I am not ranting. I am not looking at other people. I am not even thinking.

I won't even say this is just a bad Monday, for it has been more than satisfactory. I just am a sitting piece of crap. For the third time, I feel like some fucking jerk. Have been a jerk, and if I do not take drastic measures, I will be for the remainder of my life.

This is just the moment of breaking. While I was in the jeepney I just looked hard in the mirror and asked: What am I doing with my life? What has happened to my spark, if any? I was asking this by the way with Farrah beside me and Celine beside her talking about the Ateneo rout by La Salle last night. Farrah's little art piece for Art Stud caught my attention. Celine's naughty smile made that wonder in me grow.

I looked hard into the stained glass-type mosaic-like colorful tragedysome image well done in that illustration board. (BTW Farrah, I'd recommend you to the SSP Council Lantern Parade Committee if you so desire to banner our college this December)

When the moth sees the light, it could not help but go nearer the flame...the flame of death.

There. The first piece of this death I am talking about is in place...rushing to the flame. I was curious...that's the first part.

That was the sign I needed to kindle my rather great but dull day. What was the revelation?

I am in search of an X for a Y. Since you all seem to enjoy my little love diary moments, I'd use that to contextualize =). And well, I like talking about it...or then again, not.

Last blog I raised the point stating that I felt the feeling of "selos" or envy on a thing I just would like to categorize as absent. I envy the absence of something or someone in my life. God has blessed me far more than I know, they tell me that. But I know God's trying to get to me for more. It's just I've mistaken a W for my X.

What is W? I go on a mad hunt for the woman of my dreams...and no, again, that is not HER necessarily. Can we just end this issue between US? I have a problem with US here, because it just pains me to know that I did nothing but self-destroy whatever that US was before. I go on a mad hunt with nothing to offer.

I am not a geek, as some women find hot...am just a lousy word player with a loud voice. I am not rich, as more women find hotter...I don't drive to U.P. because I'd rather commute, I enjoy Jollibee more than Wendy's, I love my flavor of coffee than Starbucks, I see myself as someone great but simple rather than great and all that. And the epitomy of all superficial things: I am not handsome nowadays. I don't have attractive features that just lure in the girls. ;)

And let's not talk about my "good" character...I'm beginning to question that in light of recent mishaps my stupidity has caused.

Women talk to me...or then not.

Women don't talk about me. If they do, it'd be about: oh he answered the question well, he must know a lot OR hey he's a good guy...a great family person...but that's all he'll be so why must I show interest in him? Quite frankly, that's how I see myself...inferior and all that.

I'm an empty book. God help me. I'm just a web of work, principles and mixed emotions tangled with whatever talent and intelligence I have. But inside, I may as well be hollow.

Clue number two. I am dead by the standards of greatness in this world. Which is something undesirable for a worldly person, and challenging for a deeper one.

Now the redeeming part. Mau noticed I have this habit in blogging wherein I begin with a problem and then I try to make it good with a tat of positive thinking. Mau, I do...thank you. That's what makes me look deep to people...aside from my glasses. I refuse to see the world in its surface realistic light. I'd rather be idealistic and see things work for the better.

1. My idealism is equal to a few. I don't think it is a weakness to live a dream. And I still believe that my God is stronger than other gods.
2. A lot of people say I have a sense of humor...I still do. It's just a matter of making the first move. What to say? What to start that conversation? Do I just errupt with a topic to someone beside me? Do I pretend to be studying and then do the moves? It's fun to think how.
3. Conversations are more of an eye-opener than a bore to me. Unlike most guys, I talk a lot when I have to. I love emotions, I love moments some would dismiss as mushy or cheesy. I believe in the power of literature and poetry. Does it not make it strange that I'm an idealist?
4. Upon closer inspection, I still look good...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
5. I still have the smarts...it's just that they're not only in areas gals find worthy of discussing. I'm into geography...of maps and states than maps of functions. I'm into politics. I do sports...haha, anyone care to discuss basketball? I think this is were I and a lot of ladies meet. To me, it's just a matter of projection and thinking better of myself. Confidence to back my bark with bite. =[
6. I have some dough...although I'd rather not talk about this. JOke, just a middle class guy.
7. I am deeply sentimental...profoundly in touch with my inner self. This leads to a very positive outlook in life...

Of course, the list goes on. Rania would tell me: Oh Paolo...see!

Clue number three: I'm dead to myself.

Let's solve today's puzzle. I'm dead in the flame. I'm dead in the eyes of this world. I'm dead to myself. Hmmm...

I'll let you decide.

Let's just say I lack the flame to pursue greater things in life. I had it once, just have to find it. I tend to think that I'm dead a person of this earth. I have not much to show for. But I guess, that makes perfect sense. I love to die to myself. I want to be honest to myself and what I hold is true. If that means sacrificing a lot, so be it. Think of me as a martyr for Chrtistendom, but heck that makes sense to me than all that economics. To me, if some woman would ever understand this dilemma of mine, she would be blessed. Why? I still have some things in me that can make her smile and love me for me... the good thing, I shall love her. The task tough is to find each other.

This is not a vow meant to be broken. When I find that X to a Y, watch out. I've been following the wrong path to self-realization. That's why I feel unwanted. I wasn't like this before. Thanks to you people, I am able to reload my system and reboot.

I am getting to that flame. That flame should let me wait and see if that woman does catch my flame and draws nearer to it. Contrary to expectation, I will not devour her. I will nurture her. For to me, just as God and others I love, she will complete me. I've taken great pains to understand why I have to wait for her. I've stretched my limits increased my lot in the the mechanics of this earth and I don't think there's a turning back. I've thought a lot...I've dreamt a lot. And now, I shall make her feel how much I value her. Question is: who?

Do we mean the smiles on our faces? Can we promise the world to our chosen one? No.

Now I feel something inside I know is better than nothing...JOY..

So friends, keep on teaching me lessons in life...bend me, make me, disappoint me, invigorate me, I'd be that Paolo you all have come to see and appreciate...and then some.

Repel me. Send me away. I'd like that too..I need to experience it. I need that flame to be fueled..in the end, I shall owe you all one!

May God keep you all fired up! I am.

Tulala

Di ko ma-imagine na isang week din of acads has passed... tulala ako.

Water is dripping from my head. I poured ice water on my head...yes straight from the freezer.

I love the chilling sensation all around my upper body...I love the brainfreeze.

some updates:
econ was rather...how i should i put this? i really didn't like my performance. now i have an idea how econ exams work, and they put little premium on conepts and definitions type of questions...more on practical application etc...asar. eheehe.

mas kikita kaya ako kung elastic...ang mukha koh? hahaha kasi feeling ko recently ang kapal ng mukha ko hehe, not literally a

yes up won 69-66 haha good for you ust yellow cubs...joke! grai nung nangyari sa ateneo?

167 was great. hapong-hapo ako after pero the heck more than satisfied leaving the audience stunned and wide awake. getting response from your audience, after all, is the objective of public speaking. i really miss my glory days in the impromptu-speaking arena. oh well. reporting is well, still one of my strong points as a student, discussing is another thing pero keri.

mabilis nga lang ako magsalita...working on that.

cute ko sa pic sa baba! ehehe, that boy i miss....that's me by the way

christian good luck sa blogging

jason salamat sa pagsubaybay sa bawat blog ko...lovingly yours...ate charo hehehe

congrats sa ssp council at volcorps...volunterism nga naman is a path few choose and love.

bukas? 110...good luck celine...and ano? i didn't get that question but i did get the intention and i kinda liked it ;) farrah kaw rin...easy lang sa alta-presyon hehee

and the usual churchwork routine I have come to love. ayan, short and sweet....bubuhos pa ako ng ice water e...

pinagdibatihan namin ang political scenario natin pagkatapos manood ng Kingdom of Heaven sa center, although tis not really our business (or is it?), the church is still afterall, a social convention...an arena for the soul.

our consensus decree? tis not a problem of leadership, not even the system. so to say that she should step down, and then let's redo the system of governance by shifting to this and that is not enough, never enough...in fact tis a piece of crap proposition. this is a problem of each and every Filipino and every human being with a beating heart.

and oh yeah, why isn't anyone asking this question? why not look into the grassroots level.

why do the japanese committ hara-kiri? what did the US of A learn from Civil War?

and yes get this: the government is the reflection of the people and not the other way around.
this is no mere question of leadership. this is not a mere question of class battle...that's too much a tried and failed explanation by itself.

instead, this digs deep into the fabric of us---the moral fabric of the Filipino people. yes she is not morally worthy of ascendancy and probably authority. but i post this, are we as a people worthy of claiming this country for our own morally? are we indeed people of a republic?

if so, then why are we content criticizing our leadership without backing up with proof, and on our part, backing our words with bite? don't look at me, i haven't been doing much myself.

the problem with us is that we dismiss such questions as corny. yes, we think of these questions as cheesy or soft, better left in church. but i say, the lack of asking the right questions and seeking the answers has cost this nation. so, who and what now is corny?

what is my stand? mag hara-kiri sila! joke. ehehe! am confused myself. am inclined to preserve stability which some stupid person may jump to conclude that i am pro-status quo. tis not equivalent to that. but heck, i know legal ways wont prosper...that's why i ask

and no, i don't think the opposition is taking a responsible stand either...they're divided, manipulative, and taking advantage

as for the admin, they're being predictable. so, now do we think tis about them? malasakit sa bansa people...malasakit at paggawa. lahat naman ng lider corrupt e, ang tanong, sino ang may pambawing malasakit at aksyon?

so, now, u think tis a matter of form and structure? maybe we should see a real revolution and not a mere upheaval. sino mga halang ang kaluluwa ngayon? God help us

feel ko maraming mag-bloboog this weekend..mga wasted souls...come to me argh argh!
or maybe not...yeah baka kaunti nga

im wasted, i see only the comforts of my bed's cushion and my lis sis' stuffed dog named Tacky. Tacky! tragic i can't still be that playful with my imagination...coz i choose not to.

takte yan.
good day friends...may you find enough strength to party...and blog

While you were sleeping

While my beloved blockmates, batchmates, and Econ-100.2-taking friends are either:

(1) sleeping...using the age old formula that somehow sleeping the right number of hours makes you more alert, more aware, sharper...and consequently, that improves performance.
(2) cramming...using the age old personal method to help justify our awful time management by saying we're busy...let this review thing bug me off the day before...which happens to be today!
(3) entertaining one's self... using the modern day guilty pleasures in forms of media and amusement to somehow calm our nerves before something big...what I call the tempest: the calm before the storm.

or heck, (4) doing something I hell sure don't know what.

I am here blogging. I am blogging some hours before my death wish combo meal:

A 2-hour report, plus interruptions from Sir Jamon on a destabilization platter with a side dish of an open forum salad of comments strips and uhm.. mashed criticism...and oh yes, please upsize everything ten times...just for the sake of upsizing it.

If I still manage to survive that gorgeous platter, can you give me a second course? What's that name? Uhm, 4 seasons of Economics! este chapters pala with cheese and carrots plus uhm, I like that cute toy that comes with it....they call that Cramma Jamma? Yes, I need that cramma jamma...I hear it's good for people with problems organizing their schedule..and yes...lives.

Just the right tonic please...decaf.

And extra rice...java rice...no make that garlic rice, I need some fresh air.

Make that an "order to go" please.

So eto, here's to Saturday! By the way, I had a wonderful Friday thank you. To cap it off, I'm listening right here and now to Backstreet Boys and Hale music...which is kinda pleasant to the ear...well...if you dig deeper, sentimental bubblegum pop. Whoa?

Bilis ng takbo ng puso ko. So napuno ang sikmura ko ng China Bowl dalawang bowls yum. Umuwi ako, I gulped in literally 3 glasses of milk and yeah coffee-milk (mocha to me) too. Kape kasama ng pag-aaral...di ako sanay e, bilis talaga ng puso ko. Tugudug-tugudug.

Salamat din Su Ann sa time and effort na sobra.

But I think there are several other reasons behind the fast beating of my heart tonight. No, not that I had a fine Friday of smiles, intellectual conversations for a change, and a lot of other intangible x-factors that made my day. PLus, there's 167...sorry sir Jamon, salamat sa pasensya...grabe bro pala kita? Spiritually speaking yan sir. And the Econ of my life.

Yoko pahabain to. I dunno, should I talk about you dear readers again? Maybe leave you a question.

If I feel real screwed, I will catch Fantastic Four after my 2-4 econ-enduro-challenge.

So ayan, all the best repapeepz. While you were sleeping, I was reflecting. While you were dreaming of some configuration in time where you find the man or woman of your dreams, I was daydreaming about a lot of things...uhm, yeah I'm out of ideas.

Nagseselos ako. Ewan? Bitter? Inde, nagseselos lang. Wala naman ako magawa haha, di kaya ng ego ko hahaha! Maraming tanong nanaman ang mag-uugat mula rito. I better not push it.

Life is about asking the right questions, more than having the right answers.

Papa Papao's Whopper:
Quoting the oftentimes branded shallow Backstreet Boys in the track named I just Want You to Know: " I just want you to know, that I've been fighting to let you go. Somedays I make it through, and then there's life that never ends. I wish that I could believe, that there's a day you'll come back to me. But still I have to say, I would do it all again...."

God, or someone like Him, be your answer friends, it's not always about you or them ;)

ah yes...the darn boy I was looking for...what's behind the power of your smile?
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Bumble bees and sunflowers

This is a futile attempt to pre-empt any bad Friday...please evil Friday...not now....not now!

I uploaded two pics (Friendster) from my not-so-distant past album, okay so let's just say they're a bit old...

One shows good old me...in my grade 6 uniform...actually, much thinner. The world was so young to me then, the grand scheme of making it big was more of a dream than a burden. It was the age of wishful thinking, not now when all bitterness (although hindi naman ako bitter...at least not that much as I project in my blogs..syet defensive =))seem collaborate in an effort to challenge my very being.

Life was indeed simpler then. My eyes were those of innocence, not of rational enlightenment. My very face was a product of youthful play, not of, at times, endless debate for meaning and sense. My entire body reflected the joy of a world I grew up in...a world I claim to have had known.

Life was beautiful.

I contend that it is...although in a different spectrum. Life is beautiful because our intellect tells us so, because of reason, because of principles..not some childish assertion that bumble bees and sunflowers constitute beauty without question. Indeed, it was so simple then.

But its simplicity can never become less important or less meaningful...for just as we seek the future, we relive the past...the value we give these details of our past.

The second pic was taken way way way back then. If my blogging expertise manages to sway, I should be able to show that at the left side...if not...then it means I flunked this little test.

There is some peace to be had in looking into the past...looking at and not living the past.

What hit me to just scan and upload these wonderful monuments of my resonant past?

Why am I not reading assigned Pol Sci 110 articles? Why am I not even thinking of econ?

Then I ask,

What hits man to do something out of convention?

What makes him go out of his scheduled planner zone and into the comforts of listening to soothing strings of Hale or jazzing up with Michael Buble?

I argue that it does not require an itch to deviate from convention or to break away from patterns and schedules of time and then action we design ourselves.

Comes to show, you can not be that objective. You can not plot out a course that is guaranteed free from error or from changes. At the back of your head is a more constant urge, and that is to challenge yourself, to defy order and set something relatively better.

This requires moments of settling down and chilling out. In short, it demands reflection.

This blog will be so anti-climatic palagay ko mabibigla kayo. Indi ito dala ng bitterness nanaman for the churva nth time, pero ng isang pagnanasa na alam kong hindi ko kayang tugunan.

I am wasted. But not yet exhausted. It takes more to squeeze out the life from us. So my message to those who are bit driven mad and sick of this early-sem craze...just relax and reason out. Reason out why bumble bees and sunflowers still matter to your psyche. You will find answers coming to you far easier than it is to defend a concept of say, absolute truth or the concept of why in econ, would E-vat actually will cost the government with the rapid movement of the demand curve.

Why?

Not because such images only tend to tickle your fantasy. NOt because they are inferior.

At times, we want to be the young person we were once...given the constructs of your youth subjectively were favorable.

It's good to be anti-climatic at times. Not only does it make you wonder why, it makes you see how.

I want to be the lad in the Friendster pics I uploaded. He was so unassuming, he had less care in the world...not even his bad hairdo. He was so charming, anyone would have taken him as his own son...not the monster the embers of time and knowledge have created. He was so young, so admirable..not a self-gratifying freak who wants to get old fast. Oh ang mga metaphors natin pag wala nang masabi.

I want to restore this boyhood splendor in me...mainly because I am slowly my losing grip on it. Sadly, it is because my progress may just be too fast. Or does it matter? I want to look mature, and be older, wiser, more accomplished.

Not to mention, it will bring in da girls hahha...joke!

In this trade-off I forget my desire for things ideal, youthful, more important.

This debate has shaped me from those pictures then til now. Goodness, kung ala lang talaga akong matibay na sandigan...malamang todas na ako...lost sa tinaguriang "identity crisis".

Bakit nga naman ba ako hindi dapat maging masaya? Masyado lang sigurong perplexing ang mga blogs ko kaya by some correlation, it becomes gloomy and depressing to some.

Medyo malalim-lalim ba akong mag-isip? Tinanong ko si Louie kanina: Bakit nga ba may taong bato, sinasabing ganoon ang pinaniniwalaan nila pero sa loob nagpipigil lang? Dishonesty to self in other words.

Context lang, tinanong ko sya after ko asarin ng kaunti about him going strong with you know who. Kasi, ala ako nun e. Hanggang tingin na lang tapos smile na walang dahilan (di to ka-bitteran natatawa nga ako in fact). Hanggang tingin lang ako tapos ngiti, di na alam ang kasunod...baka sa text makatulong sa image-building pero then again...tablado lang.

Bakit nga ba pilit ko sinasabing ang corny ko na romantic at imbis na mag-aksaya sa kahahanap dapat mag-aral na lang at magpaka-US for a change?

Di ko ma-justify e. Pilit kong biglang dahilan, andun yung...sana meron na ako...sana di ako torpe...sana di ako makasakit ng tao...hay kayabangan ko.

Isa pang tanong na dapat masagot: mali ba tumulong sa mga araw na ito? Allow me to rephrase, Kapag tumulong ka ba ngayon, lagi na lang ba lalagyan ng second meaning ang mismong intensyon mo?

Ala lang medyo nabigla lang ako sa tono ng isang tinulungan kong girl. Alam ko mali ako kasi sinira ko yung usapan nila dahil kinuuha ko yung readings niya para iabot na lang sa kanya sa klas nya. E wala pala siyang klas, umalis na rin yung kausap nya. Pero nabigla lang ako sa tono. Alam ko dapat tinanong ko muna siya kung pwede ba siya. Pero hindi ko yun naisip. gusto ko lang kasi tumulong. Pero bakit naman tila pagalit ang tono niya.

Mali nanaman si ka-Paolo...grabe nagpadala nanaman sa emosyon.

Sana misinterpretation lang to ng isang SMS.

Alam kong nauubos na ang lahi ng mga gentleman sa mundo. Pero yung natitira, kawawa naman kasi binibigyan ng mga korning kahulugan ang katiting na katinuan nila.

Please, ibahin nyo kami. =)

Naweiweirduhan na nga yung nasa counter ng main lib com lab.

Pero fwends kami nyan...suki naman ako dito...pwede kumuyakoy at tumawa parang sira.

COngrats Mau (simple but sweet reports do get the thumbs up!). Congrats Rania (straw head na ng volcorps!)

Thanks grai. Marian, don't apologize for anything

Happy b-day karen!

Clarification...wala po akong ka-on, never had, never had the chance again I don't want to start this madness. Btw, if I make mention of "woman of my dreams" or prospect, I am referring to an abstract person...anonymous...the danger of this is that...baka kilala ko na siya.

Heck...haha! Aral muna anak...aral muna bwahahahaha!

Mara, enjoy the trip..salamat din sa response.

And to all expected to read this blog or not...mabuhay kayo! Magdiwang! Magpa-cute!

May God keep you beautiful in and out!

And oh yes...masaya ako dahil masaya kayo...at siya...at sila ahem. ;)

Darkness Becomes Me (extended)

Guess where in the world I am right now? Am right here sa bagong mall na isang dipa lang (syempre exagg) ang layo from our village. Am here sa Rock Island Net Cafe, sobrang sosi ang ambience in fairness. Giniginaw na nga ako e, pero sobra sulit young high rates. Ang bilis ng net. Ang lamig. Ang hospitable pa ng mga personnel..and that makes it all worthit.

for Batangan gusto ko rin i-plug yung Katipunan Student Hub. Ang ganda nya pwamis. Sarap mag-concentrate...magnilay-nilay at gumawa ng milagro....sa buhay mo!

Kanonood ko lang ng sine rito (sa bagong mini mall)kagabi. War of the Worlds to be specific. How was it? Typical ang story, a remake of an H.G. Wells classic. The theme tells of aliens invading the world as part of one big extermination scheme. I could not believe in how good Tom Cruise could carry a movie. Alam ko, elibs naman talaga ako sa acting niya pero ngayon ko lang na realize na Oscar caliber to contrary sa belief na boy next door lang ang image niya. The experience? Mega heavy. Yun lang. Bitin ang ending pero the rest? Edge-of-your-seats heavy! =0

Isang tao ang nais ko bigyang papuri at this juncture---at yan ay si Ms. Rania Joya. As in, tiniyaga (ang baho pakinggan) niya ako kagabi. Nagpapalitan kami ng kuro-kuro the whole time about movies and preferences. Salamat Rania. Salamat at dinamayan mo nanaman ang nonsensical self ko. Hehe...and yes, I do believe may home theater ka sa bahay....Oh, and one thing...panoorin mo na yung Batman..SA SINEHAN!

But let's not dive into these matters shall we.

Iibahin ko lang ang tono ng blog na to.

I never ever in my wildest imagination thought of this moment. What be this moment? The time when I'd have the burden of talking about dreadful bad Fridays back to back.

Yes. I already have two consecutive real outright bad Fridays (in my UP life) under my belt. Last week, it was about being unwanted...so unwanted that the product, the blog before this, came in complete Filipino...and the subject matter was so deep for me. =(

This week. Darkness. All I saw yesterday was darkness. It is slowly but surely wearing off. But the experience was really something I would consider as hellbent.

Dun sa mga di ako ma-gets kahapon...pasensya.

It started with Thursday...it always does. Kinakarir ko yung PS 150. In between moments of info overload, I would at random text people about anything under the sun. That was "Kulang Nanaman sa Pansin si Pao" Version 2.0. I guess I have this knack for texting people or checking them out uneccesarily at times. But that is me.

Real bad thing about this habit of mine is that it turns people off. IT TURNED HER OFF. It turned another friend of mine off...so much so she confronted me...well dahil I instigated the dialogue in the first place. "Corny na Pao.", she said with a mellowexclamatory tone. Mellow dahil andun yung concern nya parang nagtatanong "Pao...okay ka lang?" At exclamatory dahil andun yung emphasis na: "Kung anuman issues mo Pao...wag mo muna ako idamay...please."

Pati si Celine nadamay. Sorry, nagpaparty pala kayo. But I more than agree with your opinion.

Si Farrah rin.

And Mau...thanks..that's the least I can do for you at this time. Best wishes!

Grabe I feel na na-offend ko si Farrah. At pati kayong lahat. I have nothing to show for. I am a burden. I am a piece of paranoid shit...yun lang.

Hope it makes any detractor feel happy. At times..I feel like shit.

Para akong si Will (Hugh Grant) mula dun sa ABout a Boy. There's this scene where he dates the woman of his dreams (Rachel Weisz ?). He so wanted to make an impression and win her heart. But he had a problem. He had nothing more to say. His life was that of a bachelor...empty and plain.

That's whayt I fear. To tell people that I am but a plain book of complexities as I would love to see as such. If there's anything that complicates my life even more...it is a moment with a friend or someone of your dreams.

The metaphor to the green and black chancellor is clear cut. He leads a mere ordinary life of tough responsibilities...he is in search of color. Whenever he sees color, he pounces on it.

Just as when I see, for lack of a better word, a prospect...and I feel that the x-factor is just there (this in my life has happened only twice...that's how picky I am...or at least I think myself to be) I go on the attack.

I am a predictable person...gullible...pathetic. But it's me! I can hate myself or live with it. I choose to live. Although this blog may come as an expression of depression, I'd rather have you think of it as a gateway to my inner self.

I know, a lot of men are not this open...makes you think, what's wrong? Why am I so expressive. Is it because I am repressive? too serious? God forbid.

Pero wala akong magawa...nasa sistema ko na e. Ganito ako ka-open sa mga kaibigan ko. Talking too much has brought me to trouble's claws...even the near grip of death. BUt I'd rather speak my mind with caution than do nothing about it at all.

Ayoko maging magdrama. And I would gladly challenge anyone who irresponsibly brands me with MADRAMA. Emotional...yes. Drama king? NO. I'm sorry if I put too much rhetoric on my messages. What I am not sorry for is my being proper and even ethical. I'm sorry if I just couldn't help but smile at times. What I cannot be sorry for is thinking of you guys over and over. I love those who I love. And I will do everything in my power to defend them. Cause that makes all the sense in the world to me...is this all a battle for sense? If I am senseless...than don't bother.

Darkness clouded me.

Isa pang first. I took my PS 150 exam with a handicap. Buong araw nananakit ulo ko. Ang tiyan ko..ewan grumbling kahit busog...gas I guess. Pero yung ulo ko grabe.
Thank God medyo confident naman ako..come to think of it, no choice diba?

Sorry ulit celine at sa friend mo...di talaga ako nagsasalita sa econ..in fact natulog ako...muntikan na nga ako umabsent sa disc. Pailalim tingin ko nung umaga. Nag-recitation sa PS171... wala...sabog ideas ko...di ko ma-defend ang office of the President ng US the way I planned to...sana di nahalata.

Pailalim talaga tingin ko. Parang puputok ulo ko. Asar pa ako. Woke up in the wrong side of the bed.

HINDI ako NAGDRADRAMA. Masakit ang ulo ko...and besides...it does me no pleasure to make gestures and faces that only stress out my beautiful face...nyaknya!

Please understand my shallow being.

Tinitignan ko katawan ko kanina sa harapan ng salamin. Sumagi sa isip ko yung line sa isang movie sa HBO..adaptation ng Dr. jekyle and Mr. Hyde: "Love me. Love me! Why can't you love me?"...as Mr. Hyde subdued the helpless woman.

Naghahanap ako ng angulo para sa Friendster pic. Haha. Pinapangako ko talaga...I'll set the bar and lose weight..bagong krusada for a change. This summer.. I'd really bench, treadmill, do basketball again, lift weights, and learn something not expected for me to do.

By the way, napansin niyo..brush down buhok ko? Thanks Gatsby. Julius Caesar look!

Darkness.

Please pray for my mom who's recovering from a minor operation. Any operation to me is major when it comes to those I care about. Although tapos na at successful...It'd be of help if you are still to saya prayer. I love my mom. IN her absence, I regretfully realize this.

I don't talk much about my family...I think this is one of a few areas of my life I am in no position to talk much about...or at least I think that way.

I will not end this blog on another of my deep versions of poetic justice. I do want to leave you all guys with this:

astig si Batman

masarap ang kambing, mataas ang dingding, at siya'y tumataginting!

figure out the figurative ;)

God bless!