Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Bumble bees and sunflowers

This is a futile attempt to pre-empt any bad Friday...please evil Friday...not now....not now!

I uploaded two pics (Friendster) from my not-so-distant past album, okay so let's just say they're a bit old...

One shows good old me...in my grade 6 uniform...actually, much thinner. The world was so young to me then, the grand scheme of making it big was more of a dream than a burden. It was the age of wishful thinking, not now when all bitterness (although hindi naman ako bitter...at least not that much as I project in my blogs..syet defensive =))seem collaborate in an effort to challenge my very being.

Life was indeed simpler then. My eyes were those of innocence, not of rational enlightenment. My very face was a product of youthful play, not of, at times, endless debate for meaning and sense. My entire body reflected the joy of a world I grew up in...a world I claim to have had known.

Life was beautiful.

I contend that it is...although in a different spectrum. Life is beautiful because our intellect tells us so, because of reason, because of principles..not some childish assertion that bumble bees and sunflowers constitute beauty without question. Indeed, it was so simple then.

But its simplicity can never become less important or less meaningful...for just as we seek the future, we relive the past...the value we give these details of our past.

The second pic was taken way way way back then. If my blogging expertise manages to sway, I should be able to show that at the left side...if not...then it means I flunked this little test.

There is some peace to be had in looking into the past...looking at and not living the past.

What hit me to just scan and upload these wonderful monuments of my resonant past?

Why am I not reading assigned Pol Sci 110 articles? Why am I not even thinking of econ?

Then I ask,

What hits man to do something out of convention?

What makes him go out of his scheduled planner zone and into the comforts of listening to soothing strings of Hale or jazzing up with Michael Buble?

I argue that it does not require an itch to deviate from convention or to break away from patterns and schedules of time and then action we design ourselves.

Comes to show, you can not be that objective. You can not plot out a course that is guaranteed free from error or from changes. At the back of your head is a more constant urge, and that is to challenge yourself, to defy order and set something relatively better.

This requires moments of settling down and chilling out. In short, it demands reflection.

This blog will be so anti-climatic palagay ko mabibigla kayo. Indi ito dala ng bitterness nanaman for the churva nth time, pero ng isang pagnanasa na alam kong hindi ko kayang tugunan.

I am wasted. But not yet exhausted. It takes more to squeeze out the life from us. So my message to those who are bit driven mad and sick of this early-sem craze...just relax and reason out. Reason out why bumble bees and sunflowers still matter to your psyche. You will find answers coming to you far easier than it is to defend a concept of say, absolute truth or the concept of why in econ, would E-vat actually will cost the government with the rapid movement of the demand curve.

Why?

Not because such images only tend to tickle your fantasy. NOt because they are inferior.

At times, we want to be the young person we were once...given the constructs of your youth subjectively were favorable.

It's good to be anti-climatic at times. Not only does it make you wonder why, it makes you see how.

I want to be the lad in the Friendster pics I uploaded. He was so unassuming, he had less care in the world...not even his bad hairdo. He was so charming, anyone would have taken him as his own son...not the monster the embers of time and knowledge have created. He was so young, so admirable..not a self-gratifying freak who wants to get old fast. Oh ang mga metaphors natin pag wala nang masabi.

I want to restore this boyhood splendor in me...mainly because I am slowly my losing grip on it. Sadly, it is because my progress may just be too fast. Or does it matter? I want to look mature, and be older, wiser, more accomplished.

Not to mention, it will bring in da girls hahha...joke!

In this trade-off I forget my desire for things ideal, youthful, more important.

This debate has shaped me from those pictures then til now. Goodness, kung ala lang talaga akong matibay na sandigan...malamang todas na ako...lost sa tinaguriang "identity crisis".

Bakit nga naman ba ako hindi dapat maging masaya? Masyado lang sigurong perplexing ang mga blogs ko kaya by some correlation, it becomes gloomy and depressing to some.

Medyo malalim-lalim ba akong mag-isip? Tinanong ko si Louie kanina: Bakit nga ba may taong bato, sinasabing ganoon ang pinaniniwalaan nila pero sa loob nagpipigil lang? Dishonesty to self in other words.

Context lang, tinanong ko sya after ko asarin ng kaunti about him going strong with you know who. Kasi, ala ako nun e. Hanggang tingin na lang tapos smile na walang dahilan (di to ka-bitteran natatawa nga ako in fact). Hanggang tingin lang ako tapos ngiti, di na alam ang kasunod...baka sa text makatulong sa image-building pero then again...tablado lang.

Bakit nga ba pilit ko sinasabing ang corny ko na romantic at imbis na mag-aksaya sa kahahanap dapat mag-aral na lang at magpaka-US for a change?

Di ko ma-justify e. Pilit kong biglang dahilan, andun yung...sana meron na ako...sana di ako torpe...sana di ako makasakit ng tao...hay kayabangan ko.

Isa pang tanong na dapat masagot: mali ba tumulong sa mga araw na ito? Allow me to rephrase, Kapag tumulong ka ba ngayon, lagi na lang ba lalagyan ng second meaning ang mismong intensyon mo?

Ala lang medyo nabigla lang ako sa tono ng isang tinulungan kong girl. Alam ko mali ako kasi sinira ko yung usapan nila dahil kinuuha ko yung readings niya para iabot na lang sa kanya sa klas nya. E wala pala siyang klas, umalis na rin yung kausap nya. Pero nabigla lang ako sa tono. Alam ko dapat tinanong ko muna siya kung pwede ba siya. Pero hindi ko yun naisip. gusto ko lang kasi tumulong. Pero bakit naman tila pagalit ang tono niya.

Mali nanaman si ka-Paolo...grabe nagpadala nanaman sa emosyon.

Sana misinterpretation lang to ng isang SMS.

Alam kong nauubos na ang lahi ng mga gentleman sa mundo. Pero yung natitira, kawawa naman kasi binibigyan ng mga korning kahulugan ang katiting na katinuan nila.

Please, ibahin nyo kami. =)

Naweiweirduhan na nga yung nasa counter ng main lib com lab.

Pero fwends kami nyan...suki naman ako dito...pwede kumuyakoy at tumawa parang sira.

COngrats Mau (simple but sweet reports do get the thumbs up!). Congrats Rania (straw head na ng volcorps!)

Thanks grai. Marian, don't apologize for anything

Happy b-day karen!

Clarification...wala po akong ka-on, never had, never had the chance again I don't want to start this madness. Btw, if I make mention of "woman of my dreams" or prospect, I am referring to an abstract person...anonymous...the danger of this is that...baka kilala ko na siya.

Heck...haha! Aral muna anak...aral muna bwahahahaha!

Mara, enjoy the trip..salamat din sa response.

And to all expected to read this blog or not...mabuhay kayo! Magdiwang! Magpa-cute!

May God keep you beautiful in and out!

And oh yes...masaya ako dahil masaya kayo...at siya...at sila ahem. ;)

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