I choose to die

Heard the song "I just want to live"?...I think that's from the band Good Charlotte..

Well, let's just make the proper adjustments and say... I just want to die. And I'm pretty serious about this one.

But do not worry, this is not an attempt to catch your attention. This, as I said is dead serious. But as you will find out in the latter portion of this blog, I may as well like the kind of death I am trying to raise here.

This is it. This can't get any better, or shall I say worse. Am alone in an internet cafe, in a new mall...couple of blocks away from home. I feel the cool breeze from the airconditioner. I smell the aroma of brewing coffee. I hear depressing Japanese music. I see nothing but the blue and black of the PC in front of me. My mind is drifting from images of Celine and her naughty smile to thoughts of whether or not that farmer did propser in a very elastic set-up. Damn.

But wait, this is but another repetition of them vicious cycles of my bland complicated life!

I use this word once in a blue moon, but might as well lose all proper conduct and utter this word just this time: FUCK!

Feels good...FUCK! I've released the feeling of uncertainty. Ever experienced it? A time you can't explain how you feel that you just use such demeaning words to make yourself feel a bit better, stronger.

God curse me if I'm doing wrong. God, I just want to be true to myself.

There...happy? I said the word no one expects me to say. Convinced that I'm human? There, I've broken my proud armor and let down this slinger of a word.

Why do I act to prove so much to so many people?

I know, I am inferior and I have nothing to offer. Let's review this happy little people of the world. And by the way, I am feeling thankful and gay today...so I'm not depressed, I don't feel tired...I don't feel anything. As I said, I can't explain this feeling. I am suspended in motion.

And no friends, I am not ranting. I am not looking at other people. I am not even thinking.

I won't even say this is just a bad Monday, for it has been more than satisfactory. I just am a sitting piece of crap. For the third time, I feel like some fucking jerk. Have been a jerk, and if I do not take drastic measures, I will be for the remainder of my life.

This is just the moment of breaking. While I was in the jeepney I just looked hard in the mirror and asked: What am I doing with my life? What has happened to my spark, if any? I was asking this by the way with Farrah beside me and Celine beside her talking about the Ateneo rout by La Salle last night. Farrah's little art piece for Art Stud caught my attention. Celine's naughty smile made that wonder in me grow.

I looked hard into the stained glass-type mosaic-like colorful tragedysome image well done in that illustration board. (BTW Farrah, I'd recommend you to the SSP Council Lantern Parade Committee if you so desire to banner our college this December)

When the moth sees the light, it could not help but go nearer the flame...the flame of death.

There. The first piece of this death I am talking about is in place...rushing to the flame. I was curious...that's the first part.

That was the sign I needed to kindle my rather great but dull day. What was the revelation?

I am in search of an X for a Y. Since you all seem to enjoy my little love diary moments, I'd use that to contextualize =). And well, I like talking about it...or then again, not.

Last blog I raised the point stating that I felt the feeling of "selos" or envy on a thing I just would like to categorize as absent. I envy the absence of something or someone in my life. God has blessed me far more than I know, they tell me that. But I know God's trying to get to me for more. It's just I've mistaken a W for my X.

What is W? I go on a mad hunt for the woman of my dreams...and no, again, that is not HER necessarily. Can we just end this issue between US? I have a problem with US here, because it just pains me to know that I did nothing but self-destroy whatever that US was before. I go on a mad hunt with nothing to offer.

I am not a geek, as some women find hot...am just a lousy word player with a loud voice. I am not rich, as more women find hotter...I don't drive to U.P. because I'd rather commute, I enjoy Jollibee more than Wendy's, I love my flavor of coffee than Starbucks, I see myself as someone great but simple rather than great and all that. And the epitomy of all superficial things: I am not handsome nowadays. I don't have attractive features that just lure in the girls. ;)

And let's not talk about my "good" character...I'm beginning to question that in light of recent mishaps my stupidity has caused.

Women talk to me...or then not.

Women don't talk about me. If they do, it'd be about: oh he answered the question well, he must know a lot OR hey he's a good guy...a great family person...but that's all he'll be so why must I show interest in him? Quite frankly, that's how I see myself...inferior and all that.

I'm an empty book. God help me. I'm just a web of work, principles and mixed emotions tangled with whatever talent and intelligence I have. But inside, I may as well be hollow.

Clue number two. I am dead by the standards of greatness in this world. Which is something undesirable for a worldly person, and challenging for a deeper one.

Now the redeeming part. Mau noticed I have this habit in blogging wherein I begin with a problem and then I try to make it good with a tat of positive thinking. Mau, I do...thank you. That's what makes me look deep to people...aside from my glasses. I refuse to see the world in its surface realistic light. I'd rather be idealistic and see things work for the better.

1. My idealism is equal to a few. I don't think it is a weakness to live a dream. And I still believe that my God is stronger than other gods.
2. A lot of people say I have a sense of humor...I still do. It's just a matter of making the first move. What to say? What to start that conversation? Do I just errupt with a topic to someone beside me? Do I pretend to be studying and then do the moves? It's fun to think how.
3. Conversations are more of an eye-opener than a bore to me. Unlike most guys, I talk a lot when I have to. I love emotions, I love moments some would dismiss as mushy or cheesy. I believe in the power of literature and poetry. Does it not make it strange that I'm an idealist?
4. Upon closer inspection, I still look good...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
5. I still have the smarts...it's just that they're not only in areas gals find worthy of discussing. I'm into geography...of maps and states than maps of functions. I'm into politics. I do sports...haha, anyone care to discuss basketball? I think this is were I and a lot of ladies meet. To me, it's just a matter of projection and thinking better of myself. Confidence to back my bark with bite. =[
6. I have some dough...although I'd rather not talk about this. JOke, just a middle class guy.
7. I am deeply sentimental...profoundly in touch with my inner self. This leads to a very positive outlook in life...

Of course, the list goes on. Rania would tell me: Oh Paolo...see!

Clue number three: I'm dead to myself.

Let's solve today's puzzle. I'm dead in the flame. I'm dead in the eyes of this world. I'm dead to myself. Hmmm...

I'll let you decide.

Let's just say I lack the flame to pursue greater things in life. I had it once, just have to find it. I tend to think that I'm dead a person of this earth. I have not much to show for. But I guess, that makes perfect sense. I love to die to myself. I want to be honest to myself and what I hold is true. If that means sacrificing a lot, so be it. Think of me as a martyr for Chrtistendom, but heck that makes sense to me than all that economics. To me, if some woman would ever understand this dilemma of mine, she would be blessed. Why? I still have some things in me that can make her smile and love me for me... the good thing, I shall love her. The task tough is to find each other.

This is not a vow meant to be broken. When I find that X to a Y, watch out. I've been following the wrong path to self-realization. That's why I feel unwanted. I wasn't like this before. Thanks to you people, I am able to reload my system and reboot.

I am getting to that flame. That flame should let me wait and see if that woman does catch my flame and draws nearer to it. Contrary to expectation, I will not devour her. I will nurture her. For to me, just as God and others I love, she will complete me. I've taken great pains to understand why I have to wait for her. I've stretched my limits increased my lot in the the mechanics of this earth and I don't think there's a turning back. I've thought a lot...I've dreamt a lot. And now, I shall make her feel how much I value her. Question is: who?

Do we mean the smiles on our faces? Can we promise the world to our chosen one? No.

Now I feel something inside I know is better than nothing...JOY..

So friends, keep on teaching me lessons in life...bend me, make me, disappoint me, invigorate me, I'd be that Paolo you all have come to see and appreciate...and then some.

Repel me. Send me away. I'd like that too..I need to experience it. I need that flame to be fueled..in the end, I shall owe you all one!

May God keep you all fired up! I am.