Kakulangan sa pagpapasya (pinahabang bersyon)

Sa pagmamasid-masid ng mga tao sa ligid-ligid, nakikita ko kung ano ba talaga ang karunungan at hanggang saan ba ang kakayanan nating bigyang katotohanan ang mga bagay-bagay. Naniniwala tayo na ang katotohanan ay maari lamang matamo batay sa karanasan at kaalaman ng mga bagay na nandyan na...o mga bagay na nararamdaman natin at naituro na sa atin ng kaukulang kapangyarihan gaya ng mga magulang natin o mga libro sa agham.

Ang katotohanan ay isang mapaglarong kaibigan. Isa siyang suwail na anak. Isa siyang prutas na hindi maabot. Isa siyang ibong nandaragit.

Hindi mo maaring sabihin na totoo ang isang bagay dahil hindi mo maaring patunayan na pang-habangbuhay ang isang kaayusan. Walang tao na may pagmamay-ari sa libro ng kalawakan. Nagbubuhat mula rito ang isa pang tanong: mayroon nga bang katotohanan? Ang alam mo ngayon ay kamangmangan sa ibang tao makalipas ang ilang dipa ng taon. At ang kakayanan nating tumarok ng mga naaalam ay kamangmangan lalo na sa Panginoon.

Oo nga, ang Panginoon. Sabi ng marami, ang Panginoon ay isa lamang konsepto ng nakaraan...isa lamang siyang kathang-isip ng mga desperadong nilalang na pilit binibigyang halaga ang karanasan ng buhay. Ang konsepto ng Diyos daw ay marka ng kasaysayan...ng kulturang kasaysayan...at ito ay tanda na ang pag-iisip ng tao ay umuusad na at nakakamtan na niya ang kaalaman para maipaliwanag ang nakararaming bagay...at pati buhay na walang hanggan.

Bilang isang Kristyano, paano mo maipagtatanggol ang relihiyon laban sa mga akusasyon na ito kung wala ka namang matibay na ebidensya bukod sa mga milagro, Bibliya at ilang kasulatan, at ang pinanghahawakang paniniwala ng mga kapwa mo Kristyano? Isa nga lang bang bahagi ng kasaysayan ang Kristyanismo na balang araw ay papalitan din ng mas may dating na pananampalataya?

Una, mayroong ebidensya. Pangalawa, may halaga. Pangatlo, kung tutuusin, ang katotohanan ay ganito at hindi maiiwasan.

Dapat natin malaman at paniwalaan buhat sa ayos ng aking pagtatanong ukol sa kung ano ang alam natin ay tama, na mayroong kaayusan na hindi mauunawaan ng tao. Pilit man nating angkinin susi sa buhay, palagi na lamang may kokontrang tesis, at kakastiguhin ka dahil dito. Mayroong kaayusan na hindi natin alam. Hindi ito kabawasan ng ating pagiging tao, bagkus ito ang nagbibigay saysay at lakas sa mga galaw mula pa noong panahon.

At ang Bibilya, mangilang beses na pilit iwaksi ay hindi maiwaksi ni mapawalang-katotohanan dahil sa bisa ng milagro, mangilang ebidensya na siyang tutugon sa tanong ng mga emperesista, at dahil ito ay may halaga sa tao. Kahit ang post-modernismo ang pinakamatinding hamon sa mga nananampalataya ngayon ay hindi maaring ipawalang-bisa ang lakas ng pananampalataya ng tao. Mayroong katotohanan. Mayroong galaw na hindi ko maintitindihan. Mayroon akong paniniwala na kahit kaunti ay mayroong silbeng panghabang buhay ang kasulatang ito. Ang kinaganda pa nito, marami nga ang silbi nito.

Kung ganito ang kaayusan, mayroon nga bang katotohanang panlahatan? O ang katotohanan ba ay isang bagay na nag-uugat mula sa kanya-kanyang paliwanag?

Hindi ba kapag sinabi natin na ang katotohanan ay nakadepende sa indibidwal, sinasabi natin na alam natin na ito ang totoo? Ang pagsabi na walang katotohanan mismo ay isang pag-angkin sa isang katotohanan---na walang katotohanan.

Kaya nga naglalaro sa isipan ko...hindi ba natin matanggap na mayroon ngang katotohanan? Bakit kay dali para sa taong sabihin na siya ang tama at siya dapat ang masunod? Bakit ba ang mga diskurso sa pilosopiya at agham panlipunan ay nakatuon sa mga paraan para iangat ang sanlibutan?

Eto lang. Ang mga diskurso ay nagsisilbing paraan para malaman ng tao ang kanyang pinagmulan at ang kakayanan niyang bigyan ng ayos ang daigdig. Eto ang modernismo. Eto ang dikta at kumpas ng pagbabagong progresibo ika-nga.

Ang akin lang. Hindi kumpleto ang isang panukala na ang tanging alam baguhin ay ang mga istruktura ng lipunan, pamahalaan, at mga taong may kapangyarihan. Hindi sapat na sabihing dapat palitan ang pamahalaan para matamo ang solusyon. Isa itong insulto sa ating agham. Isa itong insulto sa kaalaman ng sangkatauhan.

At ano itong panawagan para sa rebolusyong panlipunan? Anong panukala nanaman ba ito ng maka-kaliwa? Ang palagay kong mali rito ay ang masyadong pagtuon sa pang-ekonomikong dahilan. Hindi lang naman kasi at pansariling kaunlaran ang mithiin ng bawat nilalang. Dapat bigyan halaga ang kakayanan ng bawat isa, sa kanilang kaibahan, at pagsama-samahin sa isang pananaw===at yan ay bilang isang taong nilikha, mahina ngunit malakas, iba-iba pero may samahan.

Ang kakulangan sa pagpapasya ng ating sibilisasyon na tumugon sa panahon, na magtakda ng isang misyon, sumunod sa isang pangarap, at tumanggap na may kaayusan na hindi niya maaring makamtan sa kanyang talambuhay. Dahil dito, sa kakulangan sa puso at kaluluwa ng tao nagmumula ang kahulugan. Kahulugan ang nagbibigay saysay sa anuman ang totoo. Anuman ang totoo...ito ang nagdidikta ng buhay ng tao.

Mayroong puwersa sa likod ng lahat ng ito. Mayroong kamay na lingid sa atin. Pilit iniwasan ng mangilang madudunong na mga tao ang argumentong ito. Pilit nila pinawalang-bisa ang argumentong ito. Ang nagagawa nga naman ng kaalaman at katiting na yabang. Sa huli, naging kumpletong tao ba sila ng malaman nila ang totoo lamang sa kanila? At kung ang katotohanan ay nasa istruktura lamang ng isang tao, hindi nga ba kaguluhan ang kasunod nito? Kayabangan ng tao.

Naniniwala ako sa isang bagay na nasa labas na ng ating kaalaman. Isang bagay o kabuuan na nagbibigay ayos sa buhay dito ngayon magpakailanman. Hindi ko ito tatalikuran. Gawin mang supilin ng aking kayabangan at abot ng kaalaman gawa ng masusing pagbabasa ng literatura at siyensya, hindi ko ito masupil. Salamat na rin kay Ginoong Weber. At sa pagtingin ko sa ligid-ligid nakikita ko ang karaniwang tao. Bakit nga ba hindi sila nag-aaksaya ng panahon para isipin ito? Hindi ito pagtatapon ng oras, ngunit mayroong alam ang mangmang na tao o isang inosenteng bata na hindi ko alam.

At iyon ay...

Mayroong katotohanan sa hindi ko alam. Mayroong kapayapaan sa hindi ko alam. May kabutihan sa mga bagay na alam ko, ngunit ang dahilan kung bakit ay lingid sa akin.

Lahat tayo ay naghahanap ng kapirampot na kapayapaan. Ang kapayapaan na bukal sa loob ng isang taong nakakaintindi ng kahit kaunti ng ano ang totoo. At ang totoo ay hindi natin alam sa kabuuan. Nandiyan tayo para hanapin ito. Mayroong kahulugan ang buhay. Dahil dito mayroong direksyon, may silbe, may kulay.

Isa akong mababaw na nilalang. Nalulungkot ako minsan nang minsan sumagi sa unawain ko na ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko. Eto nga ba ang tunay na kaligayahan? Totoo ba ito? Naiinis ako na malaman na nakatuon ako sa premyo. Puro na lang ang makamundong kagustuhan ko. Ang tradisyon ng matiryalismo at utilisasyon. Nadagit ako ng sarili kong katotohanan---ang ilusyon ng mga uno na marka sa mga asignatura, sa dami ng posisyon at tungkuling aking hinahawakan, ang mga nakamit ko noon at nais pang idagdag bukas, ang pagnanais ng isang magandang buhay, at isang makakapiling.

Ang mapaglarong katotohanan. Nais kong may makapiling. Ngunit, ako nga ba ang nagsasalita o ang bugso ng aking emosyon?

Kung may dahilan kung bakit pilit kong kinakalimutan, kahit minsan ay masakit at minsan ay nakaktuwa ang alaala ng nakalipas, eto ay dahil nagkamali ako: hindi sa pagpili kundi sa pagpapasya na pumili ng ganoon kaaga, hindi sa paghahanap kundi sa pagpapasya na gawing labis na ang aking paghahanap, hindi sa ibang tao kundi sa pagpapasya na kung anong klase tao nga ako.

Nahihiya ako na naging pasakit ako sa maraming tao dahil sa kakulangan na ito.

Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari o ano ang tangan ng anghel ng panahon para sa akin. Pilit kong pinaghahadaan ang pagdaan niya sa araw-araw. Pilit kong inaayos ang buhay ko...maging masaya, maging magaling, maging totoo.

Eto lang ang alam ko. Na tayo ay isang sistema...isang lipunan na kung saan ang bawat isa ay nakaapekto sa isa. Walang makakatago. Walang makakaiwas.

At kaya naman mayroong mga bagay na may saysay sa mga hindi ko alam at nais malaman. Dasal ko na ang kababawan na nagpapahina sa akin ay maglaho na.

PS: Memorable tong day na to...napagsabihan ako ni Prof. Miranda sa labas ng PH 124 bago yung 180 nila Mau at Venus. Grabe...ang laki daw ng diaphragm ko so kung pwede raw tumahimik ako (mabait naman ang pagkasabi). Kasi puro RTR ako at mga speeches heading into this week. Besides, malaki ata talaga boses ko at di mapigilan ang chatterbox ways ko. This marks the first time in my UP life when a prof did tell me to cooperate with him and keep quiet. In short, first time ko mapagalitan ng isang prof sa UP...actually I don't consider it pinagalitan...hehe =) Oh well...there's always a first time.

~~~~Consuming Fire: the end to all means~~~~

I listened a while back to a song from my Christian alternative collection entitled Consuming Fire (I think this was taken from United)...and it ended with this line: "Stir in me Lord...a passion for your name...Jesus."

Ang galing talaga ng Diyos. I don't know how or for what reasons. I don't know at what cost and for what end. I don't know. I can only believe.

I came into cyberspace...headed into this site called blogger.com to blog with a heavy heart. I came with a troubled mind. I came with a battered soul.

Pero ang galing talaga e. Just as any photofinish ending, God spared me again. To those who have lost their God, forgive me, but I just want to publicly praise Him in this blog. I just wanna wonder...bakit naman ako kelangan mag-excuse me? To each his own po ito. I don't know the total account of what He has done for me. I can only believe. I do believe.

A heavy heart- FYI Kagagaling ko lang sa isang madrama na Sabado. The person I was really angry at last Friday...I confronted him (well via the phone). Nasa dugo ko na siguro na hindi makatagal na may asar sa akin. Makatunog pa lang ako...lalapitan ko na. Ayoko ng gulo. If for no need, I do not go face a person for such debate. Kaya nga ako di maaring makatagal sa abugasya hehe. Sinabi niya na siguro meron kaming mga di unawaan. Mayroon din daw kasi sya mga narinig na agad ko naman nilinaw...ang nagagawa nga naman ng tsismis. It's all good.

Salamat sa mga nag-text para mangamusta. Di pa to ang ranting mood ko Rania. Actually, masyado ata malakas ang dating ng blog na yun. Intention ko kasi patawanin sarili ko at hindi mang-asar o magpahayag ng galit. =)COnsume me o fire.

A troubled mind- Eto ang MAGANDANG PROBLEMA ko. I checked my account sa bangko. Well may laman pa naman siya. TO think na umabot na sa zero to last month. Thanks sa aking mahal na magulang...nagkaroon ulit me ngg account. Medyo napunana ko naman ng aking mga munting ipon. At eto nabigyan nanaman ako ng vision hehe.

Malapit na ang UAAP. Malapit na ang Pasko...ang Lantern. Malapit na ang birthday ko at pati pala NI ATE FARRAH na isang araw ang tanda sa akin.

About the UAAP...tiwala ako Grai can muster this batch at sana wala na mag-assume na hindi ito matutuloy. About the Lantern Parade.

Sharing lang to.

Last year Lantern...I jokingly dared a friend of mine, at biniro ko sila Celine ata. Nadamay na rin si Louie at Jason na mga counselors ko sa intimacy and relationships department. Nakipag-dare ako. Sabi ko..."Bet tayo. Dapat pareho tayong may kasama nang-"the-one" pagsapit ng Lantern next year (2005). Dapat nakaupo pareho magkatabi at ganun ka-sweet sa AS Steps. Ang matatalo...manlilibre!"

Umoo rin siya. The way it looks, none of us will get the treat. None of us has the woman each so desires. None of us will walk down AS Steps in a chilly Lantern Parade night to walk his woman to Chocolate Kiss. Yes Jessa. I don't think having someone to treat to a lavish dinner at Choco Kiss is part of my itenerary for December.

Cold. Barren. December nights when I will walk home alone again. That night when the stars glow and the mist is about to settle. That night when the chill covers you. YOu want to take a look around in the hopes of finding someone beside to warm you up...but there is none.

Have I failed? Thanks to a consuming fire that alters my perspective, I think not. I was rather immature to think of such things then. I felt that the world was spinning my way and that only that huge gap in my heart was all I needed to attend to and then I'll be that complete man..lord of my life. I felt the momentum. I felt the need for a want.

But that was a mere want. I had the wrong reasons in the wrong time. Was I looking skin-deep? Yes. Was I blinded by my standards? Yes. That explains why my Lantern Parade...when it comes to the college of love will be a drive home alone.

Consume me oh heavenly fire. Why was I so stupid?

As for my birthday. I proposed something to Farrah last night...thanks Grai. well. I told her that if she wants to, we could have our party together. Then, perhaps we could come up with a better venue...more memorable things lined up.
Of course the practical side of Ms. Naparan took over again and through her SMS told me to wait for availability of scheds and that this grand design came too early. I agree. But Farrah, if you are reading this...which I doubt hehee...my offer stands.

Battered soul- Pagod ako. grabe. Churchwork. I had to deliver a keynote address for a convention. Then back again to church business conceptualizing our media presentation line-up that thank God, went rather better than expected kanina. tapos may photo shoot. Tapos may readings sa 110. Tapos may exam sa 150. Tapos may report sa 167. Ang saya! Ang saya! Ang saya ng saluyot!

Tinititigan ko yung talong kanina. Andaming talong. Hindi kasi ako mahilig kumain nito. So ala...mukha pala silang natuyong dahon ng puno ng saging pag pinirito.

I just want to thank God. I feel that I've accomplished so much this week. Grabe, patunay diyan may statement ata kami sa Buklod this Monday...ewan ..di ko nakita ang final cut pero co-author ako nun. EducRes Head na ba itech? Yes. At para sa mga ispiya ng ibang partido...please...kausapin niyo na lang ako...magdiwang tayo...magkuro-kuro...kumain ng ampalaya...a ewan

I end with a song:

And the chorus goes.

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

At diyan masaya kong nabibigyang halaga bawat pangyayari sa buhay ko.

May you find your own sources of strength...and be humble enough to acknowledge it.

At eto ang pamatay

I feel so unwanted today. Eto ang araw na tipong gusto ko tumalon sa swimming pool dyan sa kabilang bahay at magpalutang-lutang na parang salbabida.

Asar ako ngayon. Ganun. Nagpapantig ang tenga ko. I could not daydream my future. All I could think of is frustration...of people and events that have led me to this low state.

Eto ang araw na kung saan di ako makita ng prof na nasa harapan ko na para tawagin. Atat nanaman ako as always mag-recite. Andyan naman ang eye contact. Andyan naman ang "da moves" na usually gumagana naman at awa ng Diyos may sense naman mga sagot ko. Pero kanina...nooohh...isa akong alikabok sa harapan nya. Anlaking alikabok!

Eto ang araw na tinamaan nanaman ako ng LBM...ewan baka kabag lang yun. Pero nagtiis ako at di kumain. Dumating kani-kanina lang tita ko para sabhin: "Paolo pumayat ka ata!" Gustong-gusto ko marinig yun kc kahit kapirampot na effort ay may nakakapansin e...pero ang konteksto may LBM ako at di pa kumakain buong araw!!!!

Ang bawi: May pang-nood na ako ng War of the Worlds...nyehehehe

Eto ang araw na wala ako marinig sa radyo kundi pang-LSS na kanta. Papunta ng Pey-ups bigla ka ba naman birahan ng...: But If you leave me now...you take away the greatest part of me....wooohooo no baby please don't go!....

At eto maya-maya pauwi sa gitna ng trapik sa Riverbanks may hihirit naman ng: Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you? Or are you coming back to the one you love? Someone's gonna cry when he knows he's lost you. Someone's gonna thank the stars above....(and then that seductive saxophone plays a sexy tune)

Pero hindi yun e. Eto ang araw na pakiramdam mo wala akong kaibigan. Exaggerated to syempre pero...Nasira talaga araw ko nung malaman ko na meron akong isang kaibigan na ngayon pala ay sinisiraan ako for whatever reason na sana naman ay hindi inggit. At kung inggit...harapin mo ako...kahit nga inde...pag-usapan natin. Ayoko na mandigma...okay? Good boy.

MAWALA NA SANA ANG MGA KABABAWAN SA MUNDONG IBABAW! GOD END THE MADNESS!!!

&*!&#)(!)@($%%^!!!!! ANO KALA MO SA AKIN, GUNGGONG?! AT ANO TINGIN MO SA ORGANISASYON MO...SOSYAL? MAGALING? PAG-ASA NG BANSA?!

KUNG YAN LANG ANG BATAYAN MO SA BUHAY AT GANYAN MO IPAGTANGGOL PINANINIWALAAN MO, KAAWAAN NA TAYO NG DIYOS...TEKA SANA NAMAN MAY DIYOS KA PA.

Puwede ba ang kababawan...wag naman kasing sama ng kababawan ko!

Haayyy...naka-release.

Guess what? Sa Friendster...naka-full bar lahat sa energy meter ko!!! Grabe samantalang gumagapang na ako dito. Wow sabi ko talgang totoo ang mga hula...and by the way isang capricorn na wow ang perfect daw ng day (as in ting ting nakatutok sa langit ang green pointer ng friendship meter) namin together ay pilit ba naman iwasan ang tingin ko kanina as if isa akong threat. Wow, tumpak nanaman ang hula! Kainis...kakainis...kaka. Hehehehe!

All my blogs tend to point the finger on me, me, and me again. Guess what? This day taught me to hate me, me and then me. I feel so drenched that all my self-confidence is flushed with the raindrops. I feel so unwanted that trust becomes a diminishing concept of the disillusioned.

I need to pray for some people I tend to neglect and have neglected. I take full responsibility for this person's (and whatever org he represents) actions.

Same is true to those friends I feel are cold towards me nowadays. I pray I find more time for you as to clear up some things. But I appeal to your mercy that you not take my absence as reason to say that I betrayed you or my over-concern to say that I wanted something more than friendship.

If only I have time. If only I have more than what I have. But alas, this is not how God deals with such matters.

I have to cut this blog short...as I read through this entry I only see much angst that should be directed at particular individuals. But I dare not for I know these things take time.

I just feel so evil..kita nyo nag-Iingles na ako?

There are just some prevailing trends and norms that I find disappointing for such beings as us to come up with and enjoy...take U.P. for example.

So before I become the Hulk, I'd like to sip some ice water and vanish...yesh disappear...I think I've been spread so thinly I end up as none-existent. I want to please so many people...specially those who don't find the time and reason to read these blogs of mine and those of my other dear friends...but I can't.

The fatal flaw in this blog is the numerous mention of the word I. Perhaps I've been talking too much about me. I should shut up and listen more. But some people now don't wanna talk coz they think I'm soooo deep....now that's a dilemma I created.

In empty glimpses I see nothingness. In smiles that only mean to touch my heart for such a short time...I find remorse not joy. In attention that is demanded and not earned I find myself yearning for more but those who give it tend to push away...my emptiness...my solitude...my pandora...I have to quel...But few understand me...and those who do...they keep their hands off ever without hesitation as if I were a risk...and that risk might hurt them in the end...so why bother? What am I?

Against my anger I heed Tony Blair's words (in his EU Speech) telling me that: Ideals stand the test of change. But ideals fail in the inertia of challenges.

Forgive me people...lasing lang ako sa iced tea at bitter. ;)

Shifting Gears

In line with the movie Changing Lanes starring Ben Affleck and Samuel Jackson.

In celebration of Rania's driving prowess...and yes, we bestow upon you the title of honorary driver of the order of backseat drivers hehehe...kiddin aside, Rania was simply slick and smooth with her little beast known as the Toyota...ewan. =)

Eto ang tipong blog na wala talaga akong malagay na may sense o kasing bigat ng earlier blogs ko. Thanks na lang Marian sa pangungulit a. And no, di ko pa nababasa. Pabayaan mo na yung political prostitute na yun...angsama hehehe!

Ala akong maisip. Ala...isa lang pumapasok sa isip ko...pesto!!! Ang pesto mula sa TOSH (Old spaghetti HOuse sa katipz) na may chicken strips at may C.R na pang-isahan ....hehe...ayyy...pweh ba't nasama yun?

So I guess I'd have to work this blog from that pesto outward. Salamat sa imbitasyon Celine and Co. Salamat. Haha, salamat sa mga di pumunta hahaha! Actually, Jason at Dom...sayang busy kayo..kaw din Louie and Neil. Hehe, ako lang ang lalakehhh dun. Funny thing is, it never came to me that me being the only dude around a circle of (accdg to Grai), ravishing women would make me a lifeless stick..Actually, di nga ako praying mantis dun...ako ang boses ng ewan...ng bitterness at kalokohan.

Jason...ang radiant mo kanina...there's this glow that is rare nowadays. +)

Clark...salamat sa sagot hahahaha!

Sobrang at home ako. Sobra. Ngayon lang ako naglaro ulit ng lalagyan ng parmesan cheese. Ngayon lang ako ulit naninghot ng parmesan cheese (yuuuckkkk!). At, ngayon lang ako ulit nakapaglabas ng sama ng loob at kalokohang kumukulo sa loob.

By the way, best wishes sa yo karen..sa kasal...este sa ps170 reaction.

Grai....ang perky mo....as always...pang-Gateway get-up mo. Celine...di ka pala palagi seryoso...cguro pag kausap mo ako naboboringan ka hehehe kaya malamang you always put on that game face...wag...mas kalog ako sa yo. Pero may tatalo sa yo Spongie sa kakulitan...yung nakita ko kaninang may group meeting. Sino kaya yun???? Sino??? Hehe, ang taong nagpapahirap sa akin pagdating sa SMS dahil doon ay walang kwenta mga message ko. NAKITA KITA!!! Sa dulo ng pagtanaw ko nakita ko..naka-red ka no!!! Haha...ala lang.

HOnestly, di ko alam kung bakit di ako nawawalan ng pasensya sa inyo. Hindi talaga e...kahit nga di ka mag-react...kahit deadma...there is some joy to be had.

Jaja...grabe...panu nga kung kaklase mo pamangkin mo kay Romar???Bwahahaha!

There is not much weight and depth in this blog. But actually, this is what types of blogs like these call for...not too much packaging but honesty and straightforwardness...

Kanina, deretso ako..about my opinion about that warla queen na nagpopost ng opinion on shallow matters...about the insecurity I felt when I got to my senses and realized that I was the one beside the driver and the driver was Rania...and that I couldn't do anything but talk about it.

Why are we like that? There are times when we becomes so unfair. All we could do is talk about things that to some are matters of life and death. This is when actions are needed and silence should be broken.

But why are fond of keeping things within our comfort zones? within the comfort of our blabber? a time space continuum we control. We don't do anything about it.

Eto ang shifting gears...eto ang panahon na ibababa mo muna sa primera o segunda ang buhay mo kasi nakababad na siya sa kinta at baka sumalpok ka na sa pader. Eto ang mangyayari pag dinamdam mo ang isang bagay ay masyado mong tinuon ang atensyon mo sa isang bagay...sasalpok ka. You have to slow down once in a while to talk about things AND THEN do something progressive.

Yan ang sikreto ng saya ko this sem...maraming nakakapansin...bakit daw ang saya ko. For years I would tell them that it is because of my outlook in life and that my dreams and visions make me overcome frustrations and any form of depression from stress and failure.

This line of reasoning is nothing but a line of lies. It has been a line of lies that I used time and time again to mask my physical and mental drain. It is a line that if woven into a fabric would make a fine veil that makes me inpenetrable from the outside, but inside, my fragility resides.

But this sem...I tell you...I indeed have dreams and visions...and now I have means to make them realities. Not in the citadels of power, not in the wealth of nobilities, not in the knowledge of the pharisees.

I smile and rebound...I shift to higher gears so fast...I aim higher than ever because now.....now....I have reasons...reasons that were always there but I was blinded by my own fantasies and desires before. But now, I have reasons to.

Everything is doubly sweeter. Everything seems twice as beautiful because there is now meaning. So beautiful that once in a while, you would have to lower the gear of your life to slow down and get a good look. These are flowers, butterflies...people and events that have made me this fast machine.

But I know this emotional high is not forever. There are times when I would be stuck in the primera...the slow gear...to relax and then power on...

Mau. I feel that I fit perfectly into the shoes of the person you blogged about. Me or some other friend, I think I've failed you more than once. I should pay more attention. I should bring some humor that you have in enormous quantities into our conversations. So much that I had to make sure that you knew that I wasn't changing...and that I'd always be around. I am not evolving...just taking a fast track...the high gears. Same is true for the rest of my peepz.

Grai, this is not cheesiness or mere sentimental attacks. This is how much that lunch out has done for me.

That said...I move on. MAy exam ata kami sa 150. May article bukas sa 110. THank God for Geog 171.

I rest my case. I put it in God's hands. After all, He owns the circuit I drive in.

He's no caped crusader

A lot of people I asked a couple of weeks ago claimed that they considered Batman their ideal superhero. Of course, the apparent reason behind this was that Batman was easier to emulate. You just had to be rich, really torn apart, and trained in the deadly arts. To many, this is far more feasible than having web spitting out of your pulse, flaming your entire body by yourself, and being able to lift eighteen-wheeler trucks...no that's too much.

I like Batman, no forgive me...I love Batman for perhaps, reasons far deeper than mere child play or because I envy his toys and wealth.

But Paolo, we've heard that before! No, you haven't heard anything from me yet.

There are reasons as to why despite that Spider-man seems to rake in the bucks and earns the most number of "wow, he's cool!"s, I am more gripped by Batman, mediocre or big-budget in production.

As the aforementioned may already tell you, this is an admission that I had seen Batman Begins. Moreover, this is admission that I loved the movie...four stars hands down. I planned on seeing this alone, but behold I saw my parents in one of their "movie dates". I wanted to hide and let them enjoy their time, but chance came that my father saw me first. Imagine, the same movie house down to the cinema number...wow.

Bottomline, I saw it with them. They went ahead though...they had to buy dinner.

Batman is a metaphor for Paolo Sanchez I thought. This just might be my alter-ego.

1.) Batman is human, and stays human. Bruce Wayne represents humanity in its potential...to accumulate wealth, to be an ideal citizen, to love and then let go of the girl of your dreams, to fight the good fight in your own adventures, to dream of better days when justice and peace reign. Romantic isn't it? Point is, he is every bit of flesh and blood as you and me. He breathes life. He lives by a set of principles. He doesn't go through out-of-this world transformations.

Most importantly, he's imperfect. He has ways we may not agree with...tis all good!

2.) How Batman came to be a hero is believable and admirable. As any human being would, it is easy for one to say I'll take the shortcut. It's easy to cut on depth and weight to get a message across. It's easy to be bitten by a spider or be born with god-like strength. I mean, that's why kids love these superheroes. But kids would have to be more patient with Batman. His creator did not want him to take the easy road to greatness. In the movie he says: "...I can be a symbol...that is incorruptible..." To be a symbol or a legend, you have to work for it...bleed for it. His sacrifice to undergo the evolution from tormented child to public defender (and not he's not a mere vigilante) is indeed telling of how legends should be made. You go up the mountain, as you go through the hierarchy of your office. You train in the disciplines and arts, as you would study, exercise, establish relationships to become a better person. And, you find the right reasons to be yourself and fulfill your promise (now this is so difficult), as you would find your purpose in life. This is the tragedy of this generation...the lack of vision and purpose. Let's not get too deep on this.

3.) I isolate his fear and guilt. This is where I can relate to best. And no, this is something more than women and crushes. I fear loss of life. I fear heights. I fear gooey stuff. I fear failure. This is so because I let fear be my precedent, consequence of that--- I lose on a lot of things and then I feel guilty and lost at times. I always take the blame for doomed relationships (if any). I take the heat and pretend to love it. I fear shame, and the reality of defeat. Do this to me and you might find how bitter I can get. My immaturity is haunting and disturbing. I am a Bruce Wayne from the outside. Oh Paolo looks like a nerd, oh he looks rich, oh he's smart, oh he has things going his way. Forgive me, but none of those are my measures for success. When I go to my cave and reflect...when I pray...there is when the Batman takes over. No, this is not the beast criminals fear but the element of reason in every man. That is why Rorty does not appeal to me...or any relativist postmodern rubbish (sorry, am terribly biased). What knowledge does man have compared to God's? Yes, I believe in God and I assume His existence as the force behind this universal order. If not, then meaning to life is less. I take pride in that. When Batman takes over he finds higher order...he finds a bit of heaven. He is able to face his fears and live his dreams...naks. I don't need another Paolo to do this. In my silence, I am able to focus. So do all of us.

4.) And lastly that I find most relevant to me is Batman's mysterious self. You can't pretend to know me for I am as volatile and unpredictable as hydrochloric acid which you may think is stable. Sadly, this is how some of my girl-friends think and some of my peepz as well. They think my hand of friendship means a hand of attraction or a hand seeking their commitment. I am an O.C. friend, too protective at times. But if I don't care that much, I feel that I fail that friend. Most of the time, I fall into the trap of vulnerability. Let's not get into how I blew up a chance with a woman. Let's not discuss how I got 5 in math 17. Let's not talk about my faltering. I'd rather be happy and positive about it. Batman would not as well. He lets his identity hidden from his enemies but known to his beloved (and I think there is a handful of them). He lets action do the talking. I want my friends to know me better...but there is this barrier which I think makes me appear corny, serious, or too deep (whoa?) to them. I'm dead shallow. Perhaps if I let my actions do the talking, then and there could I be more of a revelation than someone in the crowd. Yes, thank God for my battalions of peepz...they make me realize how blessed a man could be.

There is this friend of mine, who I hope is still a friend...we don't talk much nowadays...she's too busy I guess who told me days back while I was in another text brigade of sorts..."Corny mo sobra. Kung hindi man ako magreply, ibig sabihin hindi ko gusto yung conversation......minsan kasi I find it a little senseless. But don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that I find you nonsense...don’t worry, we are (still) friends."

Dnt worry, di ko cya inaway...milya ang layo namin e...as in milya. Mau keep it.

Now this is what Batman needs...much as I do (although andami na)...a friend to keep him in check...someone to say in his face that you need to be more than what you play to be and then reassures you in the end that he or she would support you as a friend. Someone who would expose your weakness in your face so that you are humbled or at least you go for change...and then pat you in the back and in silence, give some needed boost.

This is my fallback...my family, friends, work, church, the vision of a world. When heroes or ordinary men get down...they have their fallbacks. You don't need high-tech machines...I have my Mau my Grai my jaja my Celine my Rania my Farrah my Marian....too many to mention to look up to. Ala pa mga guys dun...cla Dom...cla James...cla blank at blank.

I have a notion of a God. That is another reason.

Batman is not a caped crusader...most crusaders had capes that meant nothing. He is more of a dark knight...someone we could learn from and perhaps thank God that we are not like. And yet he is so up there…he’s a mystery…but if he were really alive…I think Batman would be a fun person. He is a dark knight...I am the green and black chancellor...whow that's feeding your ego...hahaha! I need not explain.

See the movie...all movies have their own lessons....even Jackass I guess.

God speed fellow heroes!

You will not say no

This will be the year, just as any academic year, when you will face that mirror. That mirror has long been waiting for you to apporoach it, but for a different reason. That mirror wants you to look harder into it, wants you to penetrate every fiber harnessed so smoothly.

You know why it wants you to?

Unfortunately, the burden of proof is yours. Just as any other good neighbor would like to put it: it's your problem. Actually, finding encrypted messages within ourselves is an example of what some would gladly call: a very good problem.

As to how problems can be a good thing, it becomes a matter of perspective. Perspective, attitude, motivation...pick your poison. When you face that mirror you will ponder and at a time you will feel fear. You will tremble in the knowledge that the task ahead is seemingly too hard to bear. You will feel the lines emerge like canyons, marking your face as you grow older by the day.

Everyone ages, everyone will see the dust, will be the dust rather.

But why tremble? Why waste time putting scars in your face? Why be so troubled?

Having marks of age is not at all a bad thing. The mirror would be glad that you recognized that it is not the make-up or any artificial agent or substance that made you shine back then a year ago, or when you were that cute little angel clutched in your father's arms, but your aging vis-a-vis your maturing.

Maturity, mere aging, or pointless growth...pick your poison.

Loving now, losing later or delayed gratification now reap love harder later...pick your poison.

That mirror would have you walking on all fours because it wants you to pick a tougher poison...seek the better antidote. It does not take pleasure in the mere beauty of the superficial but the timeless refinement of the soul.

This year, as clouds gather to create that perfect storm, look to that mirror and bow down to your God.

I believe that there are kinds of faith---one for example is historical faith---believing what happened in the past did happen in the past.

Then there is extraordinary faith...faith in something unknown, unseen, but existing.

I believe it is an insult to say that men who died believing in God's will died for no reason or no God. In fact, it is mockery to that sayer for who is he to justify the wonders of how men feel.

Take note, reality is not something we say is real...no there is higher reality.

Higher reality is not that giving as well. But somehow let me ask, do we dig our PURPOSE?

Purpose is not what you neccesarily like to do, it is not something that always rewards you, it is not something that makes you please many.

We always want to please others, and in doing so, we more often than not sacrifice our purpose.

Let me remind you readers that PURPOSE is not ambition ot what you want to perceive is your reality in the future. PURPOSE is your mission, what life has given you, and what you must answer. A lot have failed to attend to this need and have eventually failed in life...sad thing.

To quote Mr. Walsch, chief of General Electric on what qualities in an employee he would take as desirable. YOu may want to take note of this: 4 Es and 1 P...

1.) the positive energy to do ones work without question and without complaints
2.) the energy that makes other people around him seemingly want to work for the impossible. And yes, impossible is just a word for the weak realist.
3.) the edge and courage to make tough decisions
4.) execution; abitlity to get the job done

and 5.) PASSION...no more, no less.

This semester, let us crawl in faith. Let us believe in a reality we can realize. Pre-destination is unfair. Faith to assure that destination, sounds better, more romantic.

When that mirror gives way to the breaking of time, what will you say?

Say this: That I did not say no to a good challenge. That I believed in a higher order of things. That I knew I would get there...and I was humble enough to say that I could not get there alone.

And at least, though tough it is to find your purpose, you made that choice to find it.

First Week Blop

First Week Bop

Balik UP nanaman, oh yes waiting for this has been rather a daunting occupation for one so unassuming as me.

At dahil lahat ata ng lugar na puntahan ko at lahat ng taong Makita ko ay walang makanta kundi “Let’s Do the Funk…blah blah Funk…” etong blog na ito ay inaalay ko sa inyo.

Sa totoo lang, lagi ko naiisip yung “F” word kapag naririnig ko yung line na yan. Sorry lang talaga, basta Parokya kasi ang kumanta or any artist of the same style for that matter, nandyan ang bias ko na laging may second meaning ang mga lyrics.

To summarize my profs and subjects (thank God lahat sila pumasok at lahat ng classmates ko…well at least except yung mayabang tumingin sa PS 150 ay sobrang okay naman…or at least tolerable [ahem]), I’d like to quote early lessons in the form of their unique one-liners. Coincidentally, but I know not foolishly, the following lines also tell something about that professor’s attitude. First impressions last diba? Well, hanggang wala pa ang mga exams and papers…eto ang mga…

(drum roll)

QUOTABLE QUOTES FROM FIRST SEM PROFS
Brought to you by Axe, coz first impressions axe you…stupid.

Monday classes

“We won’t do lecture for today, rather we’ll have a getting-to—know activity.”
---- Mr. Arnisson Ortega; Geography 171

Note: Isa lang masasabi ko…ang bait nyo sir! Not to mention, dating ng fashion get-up nyo tindi….grabe…. salamat sa uno nung Geog 1! Salamat at adviser pala namin kayo sa partido!

Sir…do away with the necktie…unless you want to look like Pikachu or some Japanese anime hero from a teen flick. =)


“If you can’t defend the predicate… humbly say: I don’t know”
----- Dr. Carlos; Political Science 110

Note: Mam, please answer my inquiry over the net. Nagsisisi talaga ako na ako ang nag-volunteer kay Richard Rorty (and for whatever ang definition nya ng good life). Hindi pala article ang i-rereport ko kundi isang pilosopiya.

Hindi yun ang problem, I find it really hard for me to take on as a nominal (I don’t think highly of my spiritual life yet) Christian, a staunch ally of all pragmatism or atheism at the extrema. But actually, there poses the challenge. Actually, lalo ko minamahal ang Christianity sa bawat statement ni Rorty.

Mam, ang ganda nyo sa ANC News….galing nyo!!!... sipsip loko ka talaga Paolo!

BRING IT ON!!! 110!!! Eleven ka lang pag wala ang zero sa dulo mo!!!!! KUMAG!!! I love the prof…critical at objective…the subject matter I know should follow. Parang andali no?

Tuesday-Friday classes

“Economics deals with these two important concepts: SCARCITY and EFFICIENCY”
----Prof. Bautista Economics 100.2

Note: I said to myself: Eto na Pao hupao eto na ang Econ. Di ko maalis ang tingin ko sa mga classmates ko. Tropang 03 rocks talaga! Pero kelangan makinig. Jobs are scarce. I am not that efficient. Not a good combination indeed. Lamig nga pala ng classroom…oks sana!



“The United States is the leading democratic institution in the modern world.”
----Prof. Natalia Morales Political Science 171

Note: O say does that star-spangled banner shall wave. O’er the land of the free….and the home of the brave!

Maraming asar sa Estados Unidos. Marami talaga, minsan ako. I pray 171 teaches me the great foundations of this stunning achievement of democracy. I pray I find faith that the American beginnings will be able to bring these people back to their senses and restore their once shining glory.

Eto lang masasabi ko. I love the United States for her story. I love the story of her sacrifice, of her ideals, of her people. Make no mistake about it, I still want to be that trench coat-wearing diplomat for the Philippines to the US or the UN. I am not blinded by the romantic and idealistic American Dream…I adore though, the American vision that found it once and all Tocqueville wrote as to be true for some part.

Pero, wala akong balak iwanan ang Pnas in tatters. Pnas will need us til the end people…let us not fail her.

“Management is synonymous to administration….administration usually connotes government.”
-----Prof. ML Rebullida

Note: Naaalala ko si Mam Tadem kay Mam Rebullida….the method, the comparison, the reference,

AT LALO NA YUNG NAKAKSINDAK NA TINGIN….Umoo ka na lang or nod your head.

Actually dami ko natututunan. I dnt get it why some people are terrfied by Dr. Tadem, or Prof. Rebullida. Problema ko nga lang, pareho ang tingin ni Mam Rebullida sa akin…may portions na ang tagal kaya di ako makapikit.!!!cyomai…pero astig to!

Saturday classes

“What’s so special about special topics in political dynamics? We’ll be talking about issues….I want you to speak, to hear your voices, to enjoy this class.”
----Prof. Butch Jamon

Note: Pagpasok pa lang nya as in naka-smile na agad ako…kasi iba ang aura nya…parang naalala ko dating ni Sir Kraft na may kasamang Sir Naval.

Like Sir Naval, parehas silang may tendency mag-preach. Pareho ang built ng katawan nila ni Sir. Kraft at pati na si Sir Malaya Ronas (slamat Soc sci 2).

Pero sa akin, okay lang yun. I think profs should treat us as humans of dignity and their subject matters as instruments to educate and instill values (and inspire)…not fear, not arrogance.

Kaya Ganado kami nila Venus…this is going to be one hell of a discussion class…at limited ang readings to your report!!!!


Class in Life from the MOVIE: A Lot Like Love (Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet)

“What was strike one?...That you made the first move.”

One word to summarize this movie: CUTE

My findings: (naluluha ako sa inggit kakanood dito…mag-isa ako sa gitnang row sa Metro East…lamig ng aircon, alang nag tetext was wakas…kasi wla naman ako tinext hehe)

Alam nyo kung bakit hindi pa ako ready magmahal?
Sagot: I still like movies like these. I know by measure that life is not this easy, but I’d like to think of it as a movie. And because I am inspired by believing in the magic of these stories, I become so idealistic that I know I could love exceedingly, but God may not allow me yet.

Gets?

Masyado ako nalululong sa imaginary worlds of movies na hindi ko Makita ang reality. At dahil unlike those na sanay na sa relationships na maaring ma-bored sa kwento, ako nag-eenjoy sa kakyutan nya…as in every killer cheesy line ako napapa-awwwwwwwww.

Awwwwwwwww….

Thank God naiisip ko pa to. He wants me to wait and refocus on other matters like praying for my country.

And so I pray that the one is someone who thinks the same: that love would come to her…and so why bother with less pressing matters?

I pray she thinks this way. I pray she finds the good in delaying gratification for a time in the future when all things are set.

And no, with this mind-set, she will not run out of men. That right man will be coming, also unassuming but waiting on God.

For now, I pray she enjoys the innocence in movies, and the importance of waiting.

I pray I heed what Emily (Peet) said to Ashton Kutcher every time Ashton was about to ruin a conversation: “ Don’t blow it.”

Please…Paolo Don’t blow it. I know I can make a good impression like my profs…I know I can do the first week bop. But relationships are about the finish line…pagkatapos ng limampung taon: Naghoholding hands pa ba kayo? Nagsusubuan pa ba kayo ng cake?

I think I can’t answer that question right now. I think she’s not willing to answer that question anytime soon.

None of my impressions become real relationships. Hanggang friendship lang ba talaga? I know I shouldn’t be frustrated. I know I should be more than happy that life is going my way.

Pero gaya ng dati kay Ms. Grief. I know how to make a good impression, pero lagi ko na lang sinisira e pag magtetext na ako, or kapag rhetorical na ako, or kapag corny na ako…

Or kapag masyado na ako trusting or umaasa…nangangarap na ng long-term wala naman pala. My fault. My mistake. End of conversation.

Don’t blow it.

Yan ang mali sa akin e. I jump the gun and ask: Can you take this journey with me? Yan ang blowing up the conversation.

Wala pa nga ang kalsada e. Hindi pa handa ang daan. Ni hindi ka pa nya kilala na drayber ka ng kotse nya.

I feel that someone is already close to me, or I know her….baka kapitbahay ko…o taga-UP…I don’t want to arouse speculation again…

But I pray she isn’t thinking of me. Sana hindi. Coz I want her to enjoy life and fulfill her promise. Kung hindi kami nararapat…e di fine…inde…praise be to God.

I want her to be happy…we all do in our own hypocrisy. But this isn’t about lawyering or lying. There is no debate…no question.

I am not ready for love. Not ready to face other matters yet. I will let time be God’s instrument…marami pa naman dyan sa ligid-ligid e ahahaha! Joke…but I think I’m getting there with her.

IN the end, I quote Aristotle: Let history vindicate me!

Pray that history teaches us a nation, the hardest of lessons.

Flowing Oil under Oblation’s Wings

You may want to refresh your page to view complete blog entries that are this long. Thank you.

By the way, tip. Don’t sleep on an empty stomach. Eat 30 mins max after waking up. Doing both lessens the chance of you getting FAT. Yes, hunger can sometimes lead to fattening.

I must admit I’ve been selfish in writing some of my blogs as of late. After Grace sent me a very touching SMS message, basically about thanking a friend for making the choice and standing up by her, I was led to think. I thought why am I so foolishly blind? Why don’t I recognize the very matter that I have more than what most people have? Why can’t I see that all along in this path leading to my self discovery, there have been people from my past (who I don’t write much about in my blogs but I give credit to in other ways), and present (those who I do write about) who have been more than responsible for making me who I am?

When a man reaches this point I am in, when the world is no longer some simple playground, he has two tendencies: to find or to be lost.

Choices define who we are. Our decisions mold us into the beings we were supposed to be. In that we have purpose, and God wills it. God, I believe, will not call upon His child by taking his life if that person is not yet finished with his contribution to this world, his mission.

To some, another being could be a prick, a complication to the choice he or she must make. Another person might make this choice simple but may influence one to take the rather wrong path in another time. We may see it as that. One is a burden to another; another is a burden to one. This is a sad truth though.

On my part, God does not create such aberrations to be mere distortions to the system, oh no friends. We have fellow beings who may favor us or may intend to harm us but everything ends up in God’s grand scheme. Agree with me or not, we are bound to each other as we are more bound to our master. And so we must choose. We must make a stand.

For every force there is a corresponding and perhaps equal reaction opposite to it. Yet notice that there is more often than not, a prevailing force. You push a trolley; friction does little to strain you or the trolley at least on the short term.

I as this struggling youth is to make more of these choices. Unlike some on the contrary, I have ways to make things easier for me. I have means to ease the opposing force and make my own push in life easy and clear in turn.

I have oil. Right now my face is all shiny and slippery. I have this can of gooey oil. To be technical about it, I have my fair share of lubricant.

The remainder of this blog is dedicated to the individuals from my university, for this time, my department and batch who have made such differences in my life, for now and I pray for the long run ahead of us. By the way, I am not dying.

No I don’t think you need to know how enrolment went. I’m done with that, got 4 pol sci subjects and so many old and new faces to encounter. I am so blessed.

You see, establishing some degree of contact with a person and maintaining this for a long period of time creates habit.

This is one habit I will never tire from doing.

Allow me to begin with the men, my repapeepz, my homies y’all.

I saw Dominic a while back. Dom, you don’t really know how much I at times am intimidated by you. You carry yourself with such decency, to put it delicately, and then move on to something entirely new. We all know you are smart and you know much about the world a few people talk about. But you also are aware of much other things the world craves for. You should not try to kill this passion you have for learning more and more, absorbing much information that may mean nothing to many, but will benefit all in the end.

Louie also generates the same amount of respect this time for his charm. You may appear to be this simple and this humble, but you dude do deliver when needed. You don’t say much as I do, but your accomplishments do the talking. You should never lose the silent spark in you, the one that wins them all. Let the politicians blabber, and you do the action. Humility is indeed a rare virtue.

Jason is modest and simple. You my pal are the right amount of antidote for pride, lust for anything, and anything excessive. Wisdom surfaces so easy from your advise. A good advise is worth a thousand gestures. Continue being so silent and yet so prepared to shed some light unto those who have lost their way. You need not be somebody in this world, you need be yourself. Thank you.

I admit that I am sometimes at a loss when I speak to Clark. I run out of things to say, but I have so much to gain. With a good sense of humor, and bittersweet frankness, you are able to express what many men so at times could not. It is not just because of your sexual preference. It has nothing much to do with that. Thing is, keeping your mind this open enables you to be a friend in its genuine right. You enrich a person’s life by saying pleasant things. But if you must hurt, you must, for it may the act to save a man from the stupidity he is bound to do.

Now to the first batch of women I go.

Rania, I see synonymy between you and Dom. Why? Panache. You have a way with poise and delivery. But both of you do it with substance to spare. When you speak, the class is held silent. When you greet someone, they look up high out of respect and love. To earn respect and adoration from friends is a rare gem that not only assures you, loyalty to be political about it. That is a gift.
Grace, to one you are heavensent, as I said in your debut. So few may really get to know you the way we do. You are a diamond in the rush. And yet you are fluid, unpredictable, and versatile. To be able to swing and control your emotions. To be able to discipline yourself and practice refinement in action. To be able to utter words with such diction. And yet to say it from your heart. All these one woman could die for. Do not burden yourself with the troubles of shallow beings. You are deep, do not stoop to hell’s level. Be our Grace.

Maureen, you have changed. You now have the world at your feet. And yet, the world will miss more not only your abilities, but also your plentiful beauties. Transcendence of the physical requires much understanding, much knowledge, maturity, skill, and heart. You do all these plus energy and all that power. You can twist a conversation because, bluntly, you know what people need. You can command attention, but you do that and more. Warmth is not always hyperactivity’s friend. But in you, the fast and the slow mean less. To you, all is well, and so others are drawn to you, yet you dare not take advantage. Glorious.

Celine. I always mistake you for someone plain. You react to me that way. My biggest mistake though. But when that voice of yours starts adding life into it, I am taken into some other realm. They say you are jolly, you can be that wholesome, and that energized. I say, I look forward to looking to that. Still you are a mystery I regret am taking time to uncover. Who cares? That we have a friend in you, someone to be so ajar showing us that for greatness to be achieved, one much reach the heights of trees. Vague? Stay the way you are.

Farrah. You are a bigger puzzle. But you have no time for puzzles and games, that I have proven through good advise. You are also not open to other matters. Is it because you have all things figured out? No. Is it because you think of yourself to be strong and different? No. The way I see it, and I dare not judge, you have your perspective and you have stuck with these principles for so long that they have made you both stronger and equipped to face the cruelty of today. Does everything become simple? No. Does it make you a lone warrior? No. Deny or not, you are a treasure to us all. Adversary makes the lotus flower bloom. If so, then you are that rare lotus.

I shall continue with batch 2, showcasing other Pol Sci pipz I want to thank.

I am to go up the mountain tomorrow. Not in solitude, but as a group. Fellow lubricants. We are lubricants, not a burden, not a game, not a part and parcel.

And as I pray up there, unwinding, and reflecting, I shall think of what these among a multitude of others have done to me.

Am I Darth Vader? No. Pride is a lonely path. I think I am seeking, and slowly but surely finding my purpose---before I pass, before my time has come.

God give you good problems from which the best choices come from.