Antay-climax

No one will ever get this blog...but if you fail to read it over...malas lang!

J.Lo sang: …All this talk bout us not able to last, mistakes we made in the past, but they never really last…coz I got u…and no one else can take u from me…
Lifehouse sang: And it's you and me, and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose (prove)...and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes of you.

Kung akala niyo, this blog will be all about me and my witless attempts at love for the nth time, then think twice or better yet, just don't think at all.
Kasi yan ang isa sa mga fatal flaws ko...I thought too much about matters that were really under control, and shall I say were in my favor to begin with.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A SPONGE, TAKING TOO MUCH UNNECESSARY BLAME! I’d rather be a sponge cake though…yum!

At if ever the thought that I'd be outright sentimental again in this blog came to you, let that idea gracefuly exit the other ear.

Finally, if you do chance upon me again and by first glance at me jump to the conclusion that I am nothing but a trying hard deep serious jerk copycat, I could not blame you...I could only make you wonder. But instead, I believe it'd be better if you offered me a smile na lang. Baka halikan pa kita…yukky!

Welcome to the world of antay-climax, where everything is held still in suspense, before the tempest, before the plunge.

Makes me think though, why?

Ayan ang tanong na naglalaro sa isipan ko, bakit?

Naglalaro ang tanong na bakit? Patintero ang nilalaro nya. Sa pagsulong mo, darating ang mga sagot, pero parang kulang kaya aatras ka kasi malay mo mataya ka. Imbis na sumulong, uurong ka sa gilid, naghahanap ng lusutan pero ala talaga, mabilis ang kalaban, alang alternatibo. Nandoon ako, nakapako sa patintero ng bakit. This sucks.

I refocus my attention on other matters.

Patalastas:

Grai gave this book from pareng Josh Harris, and I still have to find time to read it...but as I promised this fine lady, I will read it in a jippy. Nabigla ako, ako na lang ata di nakakabasa nito. I have to confess though, tagal na ako di nakakabasa ng ganitong klaseng libro for my own pleasure…well, sige, pagpalagay na lang natin na ang libro ni Nicholson on International Relations gave me pleasure and met a requirement in 180 at the same time.

Grai I guess I’ll never get you…but get this…I was never your antagonist! Never will be!
Mau...we have so much to talk about. This time, I’d keep things sweet and short. Then again, ang saya natin kanina! Ahem, need I say more?

Rania, bored ka na ba? Alang magawa? Alang makausap? In my opinion, better leave some things the way they are, like relationships that should be, and others progressive, like buying yourself a new phone or stuff.

Jason, salamat nagparamdam ka! Uhm…salamat nagparamdam ka! Salamat nagparamdam ka! (this line is brought to you by PLDT…tawagan na siya!)

Marian, ang kulit mo! Pero okay lang yan…may kakumpetensya na ako sa kalokohan!

James, lam ko babasahin mo to, Sabado sa PLaydium, Rock and Bowl!

Celine, lam ko bored ka rin…hehe, but thanks for showing how funny Spongebob is…talaga ayayayayay!

Dominic, musta Calumpang? Marikina’s such a great city both in the morning and in the dark.

Mara isa sa mga ka-chorus ko sa recitiation tuwing 180, marami akong dapat sabihin, marapat nga bang iwika? Mararating kaya kita sa tambayan niyo? Marahil, hindi, nag-babadminton ka nanaman kaibigan. Teka, marahas na laro iyan. Maramot badminton dahil pang-dalawahan o apatan lamang. Mag-volleyball ka kaya. Marahan na tayong magkikita. Pero ayus yun, maras naman ako ee (hehe pinilit ba ang maras?)

Jhe at JM, tindi ng fashion statement in perness. Jaja, ngumiti ka naman!

Fara, wala lang tsang. O pare ala lang…kaw pa tatag mo e….alala ko yang mga one-liners mo. Di ka siguro matinag diyan. Pero kahit i-deny mo pa tsang, tatamaan ka rin ng pag-ibig. Bwahaha! Joke, ala akong pakialam dyan, but then again, I could make you think and rethink…so that you don’t have to undergo those “attacks” you had in Rania’s grandpa’s wake. Kaya tsang, tsong, whatever, magparamdam ka rin (this is brought to you in cooperation with Colt 45)

Clark, sana pumasa tayo sa Math 100…kaw pa one-take na to!

BAKIT?

Naglalaro pa rin ang bakit sa aking isipan.

This be my conclusion. When time comes, it will come. When seasons change, can we stop them? When you say yes, will it mean anything?

So many times we reach the climax like in this blog. But it will not come to you. I do not mean to make this blog end on such a note…but at least I made some things clear before the top.

You’ll never enjoy the climax until you’re clear on the exposition, the rising actions, the plot leading to it.

At least now I understand clearly, not unless I am clear on the whys of my life; I will never be what I could be and reach for the stars.

Hindi ko ninanais na babaan ang pangarap ko sa buhay, pero minsan dapat mag-antay.

Dahil hanggang di ko pa alam kung bakit mabango ang sampaguita, o bakit cute ako, o bakit nasa UP ako nadako, o kahit bakit ba ako ganito ka-stupido, hindi ko maiintindihan ang saya ng buhay…ang climax ng kuwento ko.

I’m a very shallow person. I easily smile. I easily puke. I know I could be deep, but pretending to be deep is another thing. Depth of mind and spirit comes through experience. Rookies do not become professionals based on mere talent…exceptions are everywhere though. To propose something so radical like Harris’ commitment to not “date” until marriage is born out of real good experience of failing again and again. But he rose from the ashes and met his climax. Kelangan ko mag-antay. Kelangan ko ayusin ang mga bagay-bagay.

Maliit na isyu siguro, papahirapan ba namin ang mga aplikante sa varsity. Ang akin lang, kung walang relevance ang pagpapahirap…e di huwag nyo. Bakit ba? E andami naman paraan para masukat ang “loyalty kuno” ng isang tao sa kanyang brod o kaya kumpare. Paglaki niyan gaganti lang yan sa mas bata. And the cycle goes on…perhaps you’d never agree with me on this matter…but I was just answering the whys in my head…I leave yours to you. Minsan, kelangan tayong tumayo sa sariling paa…yan ang kahinaan ng mga nalulong sa barkada…na-droga…alang prinsipyo, alang pinatunguhan.

Malaking matter to me, darating ba ang nararapat na kapareha para sa akin? Ang akin lang, dapat andyan ang antay-climax reformulated pinabisa ng sandaang beses. Pusang gala! Pusang gala! Pusang siopao! Pweh!

IF YOU THINK AM GONNA BREAK DOWN AGAIN FOR THE NTH TIME…WELL, NOT THIS TIME =)

Some few people think I’m mediocre, so many think I have too many flaws. And so perhaps some (pati babae) say I’m incompetent torpe, bobo sa dating, mahina, di marunong lumaro. I’m bound to my sensitivities, my ideals, my Christianity.

Sabi ng marami martyr ako…but the deal with me is that ayoko nang manakit ng tao…but ako ang nadaramay sa senseless battles ng nakararami! BAKIT?

Eto ang birit ko…salamat sa 100x over ang dami na nagsabi na indi ako ganun. If I am so sentimental and so serious to you, then let it be…that’s me. Sorry you could never see my other sides…those so few pathetic fools think they have me made. Haha! They missed me. So many have inspired me to stick to my principles and the lifestyle of Christianity. That’s my road to the climax. Bear it or hit the road jack. I’m me, not a flirting person, not a lost person moving with the dictates of the world. Ayoko manloko at mang-intoxicate lang. If you could not stand me, then say it to me. At the end of the day, I have legions of people to look forward and make happy with my climax…

I HAVE LITTLE TIME TO ATTEND TO SENSELESS MATTERS AND PEOPLE THAT DO NOT SERVE MY OVERALL MISSION IN LIFE.

Phew, that’s angst for you…naaah…just putting things in perspective.

Hehe! God bless us all with time to breath before our own climaxes!

Improbus et Impracticum (everyday cure for your unwanted stupidity)

Isang sakay (na tatagal ng 15 minuto lamang) ang layo ng Concepcion, Marikina City mula sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas, inabot ako ng isang oras at kalahati sa dalawang mahahabang sakay. Lumabas, binaybay ko ang Katipunan at ang kahabaan ng Aurora Boulevard. Ang dahilan ko? Ala actually di ko nga maisip e. Pagdating ko amoy araw na ako, at ang lahat sa simbahan ay binigyan ako ng nakapagtatakang tingin---improbus et impracticum

Ala akong pakialam sa buhok ko, well, sige sa katawan ko. Sabi ng katiwala kong barbero (contradictory ata) na magpa-hot oil na ako kasi sobrang tuyo na ang buhok ko, next stop na raw ang dandruff. Kanina, alas tres naglalakad ako sa bilad ng araw nag-aantay ng masasakyan habang dumaraan ang ilang jeep na alang sakay---improbus et impracticum

May kausap akong kagalang-galang na ekonomista ng Ateneo sa labas ng opisina ng simbahan nang dumating ang isang batang nanlilimos, nadistract ako at naawa kaya kinausap ko at inabutan ng limang piso. So tinawag nanaman ako ng ekonomista, at gayun din ng bata na tipo may inaalok na sampaguita. Sa inis ko, hinarap ko ang ekonomista at sinabing: “Andali lang bata.” Agad kong hinarap ang bata at winika: “Ano po iyon sir?” (note: halos magkatabi sila, plus gutom na ako nun)---improbus et impracticum

In the same light, I called my math 100 professor by her last name: Sabi ko: BETTY! She glanced and smiled reminding me that Betty was her last name, Rowena was her first name, and we had no attendance checking for the day ---improbus et impracticum

Going on a tiring department to department inquiry asking them about their GE offerings while all my friends who were also knowledgeable were a SMS away---improbus et impracticum

Tinanong ko isang good friend ko na lower batch sa Marist (ang dakila kong high school) nang magkita kami sa Goldilocks kanina na malapit sa simbahan: “Bryan nakita kita sa Marist a!”---in all smiling innocence. He was like: duh! Paolo tsong, okay ka lang? ---improbus et impracticum

A while later, I used a spoon on my palabok---improbus et impracticum

Honga pala kanina rin to, I try to deny an allegation made by Grace and Mau that was purely based on hunch by telling them to trust their hunches figuratively (panu un? I have my ways) --- improbus et impracticum

Nagbubuhat na kami ng mga gamit back and forth the church for our April 30 adventure challenge thing, so nakasakay kami ng fx, by some flicker of a wrist paatras ako bumaba as in kaharap ko sila while my feet gently felt the ground---improbus et impracticum

Paying a long tricycle ride home the standard jeep fare: Manong bayad po: 5.50, yabang ko pa wearing my naughty grin. All he gave me was a stare and I got his point on the spot---improbus et impracticum

This happened in one freakin day! I have my earlier blog to thank…so read it!

Coming home to a warm welcome from family? Now there’s nothing stupid in that.

Writing this blog? No, I’d take this ordeal any given day.

Being sentimental as much as I am corny, mediocre, and weak? I have my fallbacks!

Praying to God after this one? By all means that is something worth looking forward to.

If only my professors blog

This will be the longest blog of my life ata, and I hold you for your opinions on how I blog: but if you do not read the entirety of my blogs, you’re missing a LOT. TY Grai and Mau!

I really had a big problem heading to today. I had nothing to blog about. I mean, there were not much significant events that I could share, or am allowed to share. Let me think. There was our political party meeting, details I can’t give out. There was another busy day of setting up for our reality challenge for the church youth scheduled for this 30th. There was Sunday, and Sundays are always eventful---getting quality time and all those food, too bad mom was doing ocular inspection in Baguio.

But to my surprise, a lot of minor details that clutter my memory of the past days seemingly surface more than all the others. Let me think. There must be something special about these small events that make them retained in my mind, and persistently part of what I think of. On the contrary, these occurrences come as pleasing to me for now I have a collection of topics to blog about. Shameful as I am that I just ran out ideas, I could only say that times of my life can be so dragging and uninspired, but most of these are exciting and motivating enough for me to live and move on. So on to these small but terrible thoughts of the week. How do I think of thee? Let me count the ways:

Number one detail that bugged my mind: at the end of our party meeting, CSSP Chairperson Arianne Reyes, a good friend and instructor on little matters regarding political science classes approached me and said some things I thought she’d never say. I’m like taken back by this lady who happens to have everything in the world: riches, brains, beauty, a line of suitors, a lot of friends and organizations, a dream, and now, power and fame. So she told me: should you have time, you know I’m here to talk about (that). The that I was referring to was and I say again, WAS my hopeless attempt at love for the past couple of months. I know I disappointed a lot of people when I broke the mold and told them that we and this dear friend were not really on a serious intimate relationship. I clarify for the record, we made it clear to be friends and only friends, I made sure that I did not dare cross the line or else. I acknowledge your argument that we are too perfect: thinking the same way, looking alike, being two darn good people of this corrupted country, and both of us are in the same block and same department. Many thanks for that! But the fault is on me, my gloves were off and with my hopeless attempt that was more that I could not bare hurting her or making myself look like a fool. So I did not even pop the question. So I kept silent and made arrangements with her through implicit body movements, eye contact, and SMS that I thank her for continually replying to. I guess people who on paper look too good for each other, are bad in actuality. They could not find how much they share because a part of them has reservations that deny them access to what could be. God has His ways.

As you may have noticed, I carry not much emotion about this matter. I was flattered by Ms. Reyes’ (should you read this Yani, just forgive my thought organization) offer. Indeed, time and time again you’ve proven yourself to be this dedicated to friendships---amidst the numerous responsibilities and men that haunt you haha!. As for the second part of that paragraph, I rationalize. We men are good at that. I guess I feel nothing for we were nothing in the first place. It’s like how do you feel for a stone. No, how you feel for your friend…there’s a demarcation line between your friend and your lover. I’m glad to let this issue die down. I’m sorry that I gave much trouble. At least, she now knows how I feel and how much I admire her. Oh, what madness men place in the heads!

Detail number two---my dreams of getting back the CS crown are still alive...ATA yun lang ata! So darn, my Spanish simply destroyed my US dreams by giving me a close, as in close to “passing due to teacher’s mercy and affection” grade (pasang-awa). I do not know why in my entire family, I’m the one not loving Spanish. It’s like I’m the one slowly dropping out the taco and tequila feast and quickly running out of words. So much for passing the torch from generation to generation. My family, specially mother’s side lineage was that of government servants and damn fluent Spanish speakers. Example, my great grandfather, who looked much like (naks gwapo no!) me was the first dominantly Filipino-blooded gobernadorcillo of Santa Cruz, Zambales. Don’t tell me that’s not walking and talking Spanish. We all know how officials got their positions back then but at least one thing that redeems him with a select few, he was some generous land giver---a LOT (rightfully naman) of land in the succeeding years handed out even before the first dysfunctional land reform bill was drafted. Buti na lang that great grandpops of mine did not ask much about naming schools and roads in his honor…actually isang kalyeng makitid lang sa Santa Cruz ang nakapangalan, na buti naman ay buhay pa ngayon….mark of a fallen family? At least town folk still remember him and speak highly of him. I guess napabayaan na rin kasi his descendants were mostly Manila people, and were entrepreneurs…not land managers. My grandfather, who thank God mostly inspired me to take Pol Sci through his accomplishments as public servant in LGUs, Congress, Comelec and Philconsa was just as good in Spanish (pero sorry matindi rin mom ko---haha taga-Congress ata yan…ma nood naman tayo movies!). I could not top him, well, not if I become president haha…God bless your soul grandpa. I mean, the college of law in the Commonwealth days was still an outhouse of the Spanish debaters. And I also am so proud to say my grandpa ranked third in the bar (tindi, nagngingitngit na ako sa inggit!). But I’m proud of my grandpa for more than his ability to speak European, but his overall character. His disciplinarian self was legendary, but I think he had enough brains and heart to be so. He thought ahead of his time, was an instant adult when he grew up, losing his father early and sent to isolation in the dormitory to study the most demanding subjects in the world--- like us!

Bottomline, I can’t live up to these great Spanish speakers who happened to excel in other areas they ventured in…at least I have consolation in that. Realization is, their well-lived careers, and lives, made me think that they enjoyed what they were doing, regardless of stress and pressure from a contracting world. Should I follow their footsteps and take up law, I would be bringing a curse upon myself. I simply could not bear law, I mean not the rigors and lifestyle of a lawyer. Plus, debating isn’t my thing. Nothing against law, but it’s just not me. Why? What I am dying to be is a trench coat wearing diplomat for the United Nations. Naks…no really, for the information of people reading this piece, that’s my gameplan, to serve on an international arena, where benefit is maximized definitely not only for me, but those I should encounter and work with or on. Thank God.

I’m also proud of my professors, past and present. Somehow, I was able to connect to each and one of them, figure out their ways, and establish friendship. It doesn’t matter much to me how some people think that being hands-off with your professors is best. People matter to me, and I think professors fall under the same category. Believe me, delicadeza did me little good. Heck, it’s good to be true to yourself as much as you could. Present, I have Betty for a Math 100 prof, and so far I’m taking the blows of the subject in good stride. Past, I got 1.25 in 160! That came as the miracle drug of the week! Out of instinct and gratitude, I found not much trouble to get to and personally thank Sir Naval. I think he has a very good approach and knows the meaning of teaching from the heart and teaching as a two-way avenue. He also constantly, gave me unwavering advice once in a while, even though we met only twice a week, and not much then on. He’d tell me not to be too wordy on my reports, like this blog. I kept on asking him: but sir, how could I not force compromise between good discourse and a short and sweet paper? Never in my grandest dreams was a 1.25 coming..sir, you rock…if profs did blog. Only 180 to go, and well, it looks bright! Sir Kraft was just amazing---he gave me a glimpse of how I might be in the coming years---not only because we look alike in a manner, and perspire a lot, background, etc but also because of how we handle ourselves, think idealistically on politics, and not to mention become rightfully lenient teachers. I remember what he kept on telling me as if imparting knowledge on a burden, he’d tell me: Popo (my real nickname), there is a challenge to re-establish a study on international relations. Sir, not to worry, one way or the other this department has a future in us to rekindle the fire for a discipline in international relations. You are entitled to your own opinions about these profs of course.

Third thing: Mau and Grai’s drive to complete my fantasies in no time. Mau and Grai, I don’t know how to thank you for bearing my subtleties, no matter how I pretend to be all that. I keep on telling you, I’m mediocre, vulnerable, and preoccupied. Come to think of it, I’m indeed those. I know what or who you’re thinking of when I put up that guessing game. Sadly, so did my friends. A lot of my pals’ names fit perfectly in that blank. That was a good guess though. Well, mainly because she also does not reply to my messages, for good reason I know. I need not add more, much unintended speculation springs forth from wordiness. So, there I hope things are clarified.

I’d like to end by giving another guessing game for all my dear subscribers.

Anyway, I know this will come down in history as the game without a solution. First, because it’s about love. Second, it’s about me.

HAZLENUT ALMONDS (ang drama ng buhay ko) (sorry if my rhyme is so stupid, and there is no measure, I had to finish this in 5 minutes…at least it’s from my heart)

Love is not game of ranks
It is not filling the blanks
It is not replacing first option with second
It is not about the cars and hazelnut almonds

If ever I am to find the one for me
I pray that it’s God’s will to be
If ever I am to find the one for me
I hope she does look and so find me

If I ever bargained with God on how she would look like
I would kill the thrill to life, her excites
If I ever bargained with God on how perfect she must be
I would miss out the twist of love, that of incompatibility

Over green rolling plains of the countryside she would be
Minding her business as if men never lived sumptuously
Over her works of pure brilliance
She is preparing a game plan for things that are of significance

I pray she attends to her studies seriously
So that I could make her do other things ridiculously
I pray she heeds her parent’s advice
So that she blooms with the right kinds of spice

I pray she is simple and down-to-earth
So that I could impress her with the beauty of this earth
I pray she is just as idealistic as me
So that our minds could meet and forever be

I pray she wears the thick eyebrows, smart eyes, million dollar smile
So that I could add life and sense into my guile
I pray she is silently praying for love, though she denies it
So that I could find out how perfect we were supposed to...

I'm out of words
For I know she has no use for words
She'd rather feel my deeds, not the way I avoid her looks, her charms, her incense
She'd rather enjoy my presence, and that my absence is worth thinking of
She'd rather see me smile and not suffer longing for her for to her it is a matter of time

A matter of time before our worlds meet
Our ends reconcile
Our differences embrace unity
Our similarities conquer fear and doubt

And should this playful world think otherwise about us
It would be a loss, but not a source of despair
It would be a tragedy, but not broken harmony
It would be a catastrophe, but not a drift

For at the end of the day, I know she believes that

Love is not game of ranks
It is not filling the blanks
It is not replacing first option with second
It is not about the cars and hazelnut almonds

May God continually inspire us even through the smallest and negligible of life events!

Patawad sa mga di gaano impressed sa blogs ko, ganito ako pag nadadala ng emotions...no time to think of style and form...only a straightforward address to ease my mind.

And also, do not take my blogs literally, I have this tendency to simply blow it!
Pakasaya kayo peepz, happy summer!

Hindi ako ang ulupong sa Mars

Hindi ako mahilig sa matitigas na bagay pagdating sa mga malalambot na bagay...gets?

Pagdating sa unan, ang sarap nung tipong tatakluban ka na kasi lubog na mukha mo sa lambot.

Pagdating sa cotton candy, masama naman kung may batong asukal sa loob na bubutas sa ipin.

Pagdating sa gulong ng kotse, hwag masyadong matigas ang lbs/sq.in. (psi) kasi lam mo too much is sometimes not good. Besides pressure and heat don't really meet eye to eye.

There has to be a reason why some objects have to be hard and rugged while others are soft and smooth. Kung sa bagay, God created irregular-shaped objects, alang perfect straight line kasi...well...it's how He saw beauty...and I believe it's better left that way.

But in the non-material world, such as that of language and emotions, the rules are bent so that at times soft and hard have to go hand in hand to produce the best results.

Fore example, guy asks girl (eto nanaman ako) in a romantic date in Baywalk, 3rd monthsary: "Butter cupcake, bakit mo naman ginasgasan kotse ko?" ---patay na...do you really get the most out of a fine conversation by saying that? Wrong case of being hard in a soft scenario where consistency is everything---most of the time.

What if in the same time and place he asked: "Mocca capuccino, handa ka na bang harapin ang kinabukasan kasama ako?"---eeeekkkk, too soft naman e di pa nga kayo nagkakaamuyan e ganyan ang mga birit. Sadly, ako guilty dyan most of the time...kaya I should know.

And the anti-thesis, what if lover boy said this at the climax of their heated talk: "Sugar-coated lollypop, Lam mo naman na ala nag pag-asa ang basketball team mo, pero ge para patunayan, bilhin kita ng tickets nood tayo." ---she may indulge in that and take the invitation to see her favorite team without much thought, or she may be offended but chances are the confounding variable---the tickets, did have an effect. Sometimes, being streetsmart and a romantic at the same time pays off.

How wonderful as it is mesmerizing ei, the world of the unseen, the intangible realms.

Rules are more like norms, they depend on the context and the people involved. But the inherent truth that lasts is: nothing is permanent, change is constant.

E ano naman kinalaman sa akin nyan dear friends?

Ala lang...joke!

I don't want to be the last man bent on reaching Mars. Ayokong maging astronaut na palaging nakatingin na lamang sa kalawakan para maabut yun in due time. I don't want to live a dream, daydreaming at any given Sunday making yourself detached and so affected by rules and norms that dominate the mainstream. Ayoko maging ulupong sa Mars.

I pray that I don't end up as the fool who bet his time and effort on a lost cause, or an impossible feat...a part of me wants me to be practical, to be smarter in as much wiser.

But guess what, a part of me wants to ask God for deviance from this world, for time off and a life I dream of. A part of me that wishes that what I think of as I look into the sky becomes reality...a prediction of the future.

Haayy, ayoko na maging confused, dahil indi naman ako confused. In fact, I think I have a rare strong grip of myself that allows me to control my temper and as well, my desires...so parang pag asar na ako I laugh na walang dahilan...and when I'm happy, I smile and contain my laughter. Malakas ang restraint ko I tell myself that, mahirap ako matinag.

Well, it does not work most of the time in my favor. Here are the reasons.

1. My friends think I'm weird when I lapse into those phases of laughing na alang dahilan or bigla na lang bibirit, while in truth I'm good old me with my OA tendencies.
2. I lose focus on what I should be doing...like STUDYING.
3. I develop self-pity. I harbor depressing thoughts.
4. I become vulnerable.
5. I...I...it's been always about me.

Bottomline...get real! I do not want to sacrifice my ideals and dreams, but I do not want to end up alone in Mars as a dreamer who lost touch of what is given and needed. We have our own desires, our own wishes for deviance, so that we try to rationalize and say that I'm good. But we're not, life is painful and should not be treated with illusions. That is my fault, my cure for something hard and pressing is soft...that should not be.

Soft things are meant for soft time, hard things not all bad...but alloted for hard time.

Anlabo...I guess drag nanaman to, but heck, that's me! I could be proud or unamused.

May God bless you with your own Mars to look forward to and friends such as mine to remind you that the path there is not meant for you to take alone.

True, to much is given, much is required. But hey, we're all given much, yung iba kinarir ang pagpunta sa Mars...yung iba di kinaya kaya nakontento sa buhay na mababaw, at yung iba wais...saludo ako sa inyo!

I have a PhD in M.D.

I have a PhD in M.D.

Manic-Depression that is

Merong mga araw kagaya nito kung saan isang minuto ang lakas mo, parang kaya mong gawin lahat pero pagkatapos mong isipin ang mangilang bagay ay sobrang low mo na, para kang pinagkaitan ng uno sa pol sci.

So parang ang saya-saya ko diba, I guess a great night in church kagabi uploading a Bible version for the PC and then having chow and chat with ministry-mates does your spirit some good. I mean, not only because we think the same way on particular issues, share the same biases, and share the same interests, pero the feeling u have na yes at home ako dito, yes I can move freely and be open to these people and get this, they won't think na ala ka sa lugar. So parang habang sineset-up nila yung stage for today dumating si pastor para mag-hello, kami naman nasa church HQ nag-aayos ng mga IDs and stuff para sa mga volunteers. So yun, kahit puyat ang puno ko ng energy, as if ang metabolic rates ko ay nasa all-time high at ang brain fluids ko na ginagamit ko for brainstorming at concept-making ay dumadagusdos na parang tsunami sa Phuket.

And then pag-uwi ko sa bahay, aba nood muna ng kunting cartoons sa Disney para ala lang, matuwa at makyutan. Cartoons have this effect on people, they make you wish you were young so that you could just break free and dance to the tune of your favorite cartoon flicks. For example, si Spongebob, he has this innocence (at kahinhinan) that when used with the unique humor found in his show, can be a very effective formula to penetrate even the most stonecold of adults. So yun, I was like feeding on fossil fuel kasi parang diesel e, nag-iinit pa lang ako, 2 am na hahaha. So text lang ako ng text to friends at nalaman ko na si Rania pala ay may blog at yung isa kong friend ay pupunta pala sa US of A. So I was happy for all those people I contacted coz seemingly, everyone was in good spirits.

So gising ako ng 7:30, aba sarap ng tender juicy hotdog...ma-juice! And then, there's tortang eggs and ewan giniling ata, basta...so it came to me that only one condiment was needed: KETCHUP please Luis! MMMMMMMMm, sarap ng umagahan ko!

But wait, churchtime na so bihis ako, all black attire a-la MIB: Men in Barong...nyehehe joke naka polo shirt lang me. So ang saya, and then saya ng biyahe, malamig, masarap, sarap pa kagating yung mentos chewables kasi parang ewan yung vitamins...kakabiting nga lang kc when it sort of melts in your mouth, it loses flavor so you have no choice than to chew it so chew it and voila! Ubos na!

The next minute though, I stopped to think...and I wish I never did.

I thought...siomai...Thursday am back in UP...I have to finish enrolment and not to mention, finish math 100.

And then...everything went to a stop...I paid no notice to the cheer of people around me.

I was depressed, knowing that the task ahead is that huge and that much.

Depressed din ako dun para sa mga indi sumasagot sa mga SMS KO, lalo na si _ _ R _ _ _JOKE!

And then I sighed and thought, it's a good thing our minds were not built like computers...that when one file becomes corrupt..the system fails coz it gives up and takes not much effort to find solutions or any amount of relief.

So I told my mind, not now, not when the world is spinning fast but people become so slow coz they feel every action they do, they want to know kung nangangawit na ba sila sa smiles nila, or kung magaspang ba yung kamay ng kinamayan ko, or maganda ba ang selection of songs for today.

Not now...

And so minungkahi ng doctor in me na it's all in the head. indi ka MD>..OA ka lang hahaha. I guess so too. Once u put your head into it ang dali actually...so just think of the end of the rainbow and the right people to get you there and the rainbow itself would be a breeze.

Sabog ako ngayon, dahil am in my manic mood...guess what, having the right mindset does work. It's all in the head...well not all actually.

90% of things are good, 10% bad, if we allow the 10% to dominate, then we ruin our perspective and become pessimists. It's not that we force our minds to think positively...

btw...positive thinking and thinking positively are different...I prefer the latter.

We think positive thoughts and see the good out of the worst because we believe that there is indeed good...and not that we force to bet false hopes on a hopeless case.

If we believe that the devil has some heart inside, then perhaps we could understand the smallest portion of him that is still a creation of God.

If we believe that pol sci is meant for the betterment of the people and not a mere way to earn a living, then we could at least feel excited in the everyday we face majors next sem.

If we believe that good thoughts mean a lot and inspire us to live, then we are able to tolerate a bombardment of frustrating depressing ones we face everyday.

Computers use the binary code...we use a complex code that incorporates a logical/rational part---the binary, and the irrational---an uncodified part of our brains that if used well should make us feel great about reality...no matter how hard it gets.

And so, you end up with a PhD in life.

Salmonelli Stroganoff

Salmonelli Stroganoff, some young prince of about eighteen years who lived his life in the comforts of his Swiss highland frontier.

Salmonelli Stroganoff enjoyed some couple of roles in society...or at least he tried to earn attention or respect in what he did.

Salmonelli was a good son, one who did study his lessons well for in his heart, time will come for payback and much needed love. Owes to a country he must pay, responsibility he soon must embrace.

Salmonelli was a good student, or at least pretended to be, well-regarded by his peers as well as his superiors in the University of Geneva for not only being a spirited and provocative speaker, but also, a humble and kind-hearted soul.

Salmonelli was a rich bachelor, he went back and forth Geneva up to his Alpine fortress and down again, attending to the enterprise of his parents in the strawberry business in as much as he would attend secret meetings with the ministers of war.

Salmonelli was a philanthrophist as well, and was excellent in doing his good works in silence and smiles. He erected several foundations named after their headmasters for such young man could not dare give himself much due credit. His parents, out of same virtue also did not take much interest in having institutions named after them. To the Stroganoffs, it was inappropriate and contradictory to the spirit of giving.

Salmonelli was a statesman in the works, mastering the arts of war with his politics, history, philosophy and as much as he could, his sciences. His acclaim was widespread, his trophies line his room, and his name was eyed on by no less than monarchs of great Europe.

Salmonelli was also the busiest trendsetter of his time, he fashioned expensive clothing formally suit for kings, he was an adventurous jetsetter of sorts, traveling where his feet took him during summer breaks and winter weekends and so he would have tea with the tsar of Russia, have a debate with the king of France, have Sunday mass with the Italian princes, have a horse race with the Arab riders, have trade with the Chinese mystics, have an animal display with the Indian raja, and still found enough vacation time to have lavish balls with well-rounded ladies both from the commoners and the nobility.

Salmonelli had the world at his feet...power, wealth, fame, women, whims. And yet, behind his smile that bedazzled the wonders of the world, he was frail, so unsure of himself, and weak.

His professors did not know he would stutter as he whispered his thoughts before he said it...out of fear, out of distrust.

The headmasters of his institutions did not know that he would sob in the comfort of their bathrooms after having seen the poverty that has so plagued the children of old Zurich.

His bodyguards did not know of his distaste for violence, his weariness to go to war, his desire to leave his duty as prince...what they saw was a promising leader of a great kingdom.

The royalty he spoke with knew nothing of his hatred of their ways, and how idealistic he was, only that he was a cunning conversationalist, a great debater, a compelling speaker.

Even his parents knew not of his sacrifice, of his longing to be free, of his desire to marry the woman of his dreams who happened to be a classmate in the university. They knew not that she was not of aristocracy, or that she had thick hair and sparkling eyes hidden in her thick glasses or perhaps a handkerchief she has for her allergy to pollen. All they knew was that she was an academic sparring partner, one who thought like their son and one who was better in more ways than one.

They also did not know she had already dismissed the idea that their son would stand a chance should he give her the world and all enduring love in courtship.

And so they could not understand why Salmonelli would keep his head low at times, then looking outside into the wintery chill of the Swiss Alps. Salmonelli wanted to be there in the peak of the mountains to proclaim his love, his dreams, his intentions. But Salmonelli already had himself kept in his frozen abyss. He managed to pull off the most amazing trick in history---and that is to fool the world that he was on top of his game, while in truth he knew he wasn't all that.

Salmonelli was a heartbroken man, in a heartbreaking world.

So many women flock to his heart's door but he could not open it for them. He had much to offer, but he downed himself to a prick.

He did not know what to say to his university crush, not know what to do to make it up for the wrongs he had made, though apparently honesty was his only crime.

He did not know how to stop daydreaming of the world outside and the woman he fancies, to open his heart to those who had been waiting for him all their lives...

So many women who happened to be his friends were there all along to comfort him and
perhaps even carry him through his exhaustion, slight confusion, and frustrations.

There was the strawberry farmer girl gone rich who travelled the country over with her parents denying men access to her heart for she had other things more important to do; the princess of Germania who was oh so wonderful once she could not contain herself from telling stories, the merchant's daughter who was so perky, so exquisite once she uttered foreign words, so intriguing and yet so full of life. There also was the other university girls who were so smart, yet so hard to reach, so beyond their prime and yet so far from him at times though they laughed at each other for most of the time.

And then there were his pals in sports, in the political party, the church, the local community, the institutions (not to mention the children), everyone basically. There were his badminton friends, his confadants when he was again depressed, his butlers, his drivers...the whole town!

Salmonelli could have driven himself to collapse, but thanks to the mountains and some quiet time to reflect, he caught up with himself. Indeed, long live summer breaks!

So Salmonelli, king of rhetoric could no longer utter a word when he came to his senses.

So Salmonelli, king of his secretive world, could not measure what he has to gain as compared to the measly amount of what he occupied himself with.

So Salmonelli, king of humanity, could no longer explain how God touched his life.

So Salmonelli, king of ideal men personified, could no longer see the riches of the world as against the essence of it

He gazed far, realizing all these things, into the icy Alps. He noticed that the ice melted away to the summer's heat, to give way for another planting season.

Ice melted, it watered the soil. When his icy cage melted, he would warm so many people in his life. Salmonelli broke down to cry...and with his tears came crashing the chills of his self---his ego, his self-pity, his difficulty to be what he wanted to be.

Salmonelli released what he could not have released...perhaps because he was so sick and tired of being slave to the demands of the world and his own dreams.

Salmonelli was lost, but was found. For the meantime, summer solstice ruled his heart. For the meantime, he found meaning to what he did and loved his ideals all the more. For the meantime, he became more open to all these people, and faced the challenge of a kingship waiting for him. For the meantime, he found God....and what was after the meantime? Something far better.

Nexus...how far is heaven?

I really am not a Star Trek fan...and perhaps not in a long time. Yet while I do consider plot points of Star Wars as more intriguing, I do consider the Star Trek's own to be more flexible and workable. I also prefer a plot that still uses human beings as the center of things and not some humans acting as people from Naboo or from the Federation. And so the Star Trek's human-manned Starfleet sounds more "human" and forseeable.

Anyhow, one of the highlights of the Star Trek movie, the one with William Shatner, is nexus...a world not of this...brought about by some charged ribbon from the sky (an obvious anomaly...just check the movie) that takes one into this world. This world has no time, one could venture back and forth through the continuum. But what is great about nexus is that it shows you...living in your own reality. It puts you on a real plane where you master your life and all things go your way. What you think, daydream about, crave for are all present in your nexus...no time to stop you...no reality bites...just an emotional high. Plus, you are there---it's not a mere simulation. This could be heaven; or at least how if feels to be there.

You could never read some other person's mind; you could only hope to pierce through the reach of their eyes. The eyes tell a lot, they show you the innermost thoughts, heck even if one sickness or not (ask Osaka iridology). Eyes when watery tell you that one just came from a soap opera finale, or a fight with one's beloved, or even a child wanting the toy that fell off his crib. Eyes when sharp and tense tell you to stay away or on the contrary, take the role of mediator for a battle or some conflict is lurking. My favorite, eyes when sparkling, soft, so telling of how one feels. This tells you to stay, to brace yourself for a kiss or a long conversation. This tells you that the person has some longing for either you or some other entity. What is important here is that so much emotion is now circulating around his or her system that it just waiting for the final blow...there she blows!

The kind of moments when you're at the doorway with her on a rainy night after a date, when she loses her defenses and shows you how good a lover she is by stopping and staring right through yours with those eyes. When you as her man is held frozen in time, flashbacks of your beginnings watching a play or a game together, even your quarrels hold you back. But you know keeping yourself lost in the sparks would kill the aura. You know that one way or the other, this is the woman I chose, God granted, this is the one I am willing to have a family with, or share stories side by side at night. You know this woman is the one who would complete not only your fantasies, but even you as a better man. You began as incompatible people, but that is love---it is among incompatible people working it out. So you hold your head low and smile as some man's reaction...pretending to be a fortress of strength...but all weak and crying inside. She knows you are waiting for the touch of her lips, and so she takes her eyes away into the darkening horizon. She becomes uncertain, but she keeps her smile there...naughty but hopeful. She wants to regain ground and be the aggressor, but too late, she is forward looking now...seeing you in her future...picturing it with delight. She establishes connection, smiles even more now, taking her head towards your direction. You tilt your head, as if examining her fair complexion at all angles and then taking your head lower lower lower to the level of her rosy lips. She responds, but with caution, and takes her own higher to your lips. All you could offer her is a smile. Now, all the gifts do not matter, all the rhetoric and cheesy stuff do not count, all you could think of is smile back as the distance between both of you lessen and the beat of your heart heightens. This is the moment...this is your nexus.

But before your lips do touch in oh glorious romance, as if dancing a ballet so close and so intertwined...her parents bust open the door and welcome you both with cheer. HELLO! HOW WAS THE MOVIE? You go: OH DAMN! OH SIOMAI! OH PAG-IBIG! You immediately get hit by reality and withdraw your head to its normal base position. She looks away, confused whether at your leather shoes, the roses at her back, or at her parents to greet them good night. You could do nothing but perhaps ease her disappointment by greeting her parents back, saving her the trouble. Then she thankfully looks back at you, candidly fixing your sweater that has gone out of its position due to her lying on you the whole movie and drive home. She notices you have no necktie, only a polo, and so she irons out your chest area with taps and laughs. "We had a great time ma, pa." You laugh back, regaining all senses of humor. She gains back her walls as well, her fortress is sealed, her gates are back to lock mode, her artillery is back to all systems ready to fire---lock and load. Her parents wave goodbye and then become the instigators of the cheesy by asking her to give you a smack...just a smack at the cheeks. The taxi driver waits impatiently, but he understands...having seen such events more than once in his lifetime. He counts his earnings instead, occassionally looking at you for a signal to wait. You feel for the driver and so offer your cheek...as if nothing happened. She smacks them...but not much is felt. Her parents are delighted, ma is in neverland while pa, he gives you a suspicious look but with a grin telling you: "Well done son, but of course, I did better in my prime."

The night ends...ends so quickly.

We have our own nexus...our own world. As for me, this is just one of them.

I do not blame myself for being a hopeless romantic, as many men out there. It is not a crime to be so idealistic, not a loss to be so sincere, not a weakness to be so in touch.

Hitch was right, there are no principles to loving someone...no love doctors...no nada.

I am entitled to my nexus, but I am also entitled to my life. For sometime now I've been dreaming of this girl, of my job, of my peepz, my folks, my pol sci pals altogether. If only had enough money to treat them in a fine KATIPUNAN pizza parlor, or enough attention to listen to all their stories. Should I try harder, I would be able to respond and give them good advise. If only my other nexuses didn't trouble my mind so.

Come to think of it, that is perhaps why there is no such thing as a nexus...a real place to be in. Living in your ideal world this early beats the purpose of living. Living is sweeter if it is first sour. What you want or need are worked for, prayed for, earned again and not given in a flick of a wrist. For if there is no processing of the soul, then happiness can only be temporal. If one exists to daydream and dream some more, then one is not living...but is dull, lifeless, unproductive.

It is good to have a nexus in mind...it gives you direction, something to aspire...but that is a goal...not a way of living. It gives you tickly sensations...but it is only ambition or at worst, an illusion. Making it a reality is something else, tougher, harder...but all the more tangible...sweeter...real.

Quoting William Shatner in that movie: "I did not make a difference."

Difference---connoting something negative...but if made is a positive thing.

How can you make the negative things right if you are in a far too ideal world?

I say, live for the moment, aim high...make the difference...then concretize your nexus.

You are accountable to God, family, friends, country first and foremost. Tis is a sacrifice, but only those who have a clear idea of a nexus would fully grasp the undertaking.

And what is in the end of the rainbow? No, not nexus...tis still a worldly concept...how about heaven? Yes, I believe heaven sounds better.

Dream on, pray harder, live hardest...God speed!