Nexus...how far is heaven?

I really am not a Star Trek fan...and perhaps not in a long time. Yet while I do consider plot points of Star Wars as more intriguing, I do consider the Star Trek's own to be more flexible and workable. I also prefer a plot that still uses human beings as the center of things and not some humans acting as people from Naboo or from the Federation. And so the Star Trek's human-manned Starfleet sounds more "human" and forseeable.

Anyhow, one of the highlights of the Star Trek movie, the one with William Shatner, is nexus...a world not of this...brought about by some charged ribbon from the sky (an obvious anomaly...just check the movie) that takes one into this world. This world has no time, one could venture back and forth through the continuum. But what is great about nexus is that it shows you...living in your own reality. It puts you on a real plane where you master your life and all things go your way. What you think, daydream about, crave for are all present in your nexus...no time to stop you...no reality bites...just an emotional high. Plus, you are there---it's not a mere simulation. This could be heaven; or at least how if feels to be there.

You could never read some other person's mind; you could only hope to pierce through the reach of their eyes. The eyes tell a lot, they show you the innermost thoughts, heck even if one sickness or not (ask Osaka iridology). Eyes when watery tell you that one just came from a soap opera finale, or a fight with one's beloved, or even a child wanting the toy that fell off his crib. Eyes when sharp and tense tell you to stay away or on the contrary, take the role of mediator for a battle or some conflict is lurking. My favorite, eyes when sparkling, soft, so telling of how one feels. This tells you to stay, to brace yourself for a kiss or a long conversation. This tells you that the person has some longing for either you or some other entity. What is important here is that so much emotion is now circulating around his or her system that it just waiting for the final blow...there she blows!

The kind of moments when you're at the doorway with her on a rainy night after a date, when she loses her defenses and shows you how good a lover she is by stopping and staring right through yours with those eyes. When you as her man is held frozen in time, flashbacks of your beginnings watching a play or a game together, even your quarrels hold you back. But you know keeping yourself lost in the sparks would kill the aura. You know that one way or the other, this is the woman I chose, God granted, this is the one I am willing to have a family with, or share stories side by side at night. You know this woman is the one who would complete not only your fantasies, but even you as a better man. You began as incompatible people, but that is love---it is among incompatible people working it out. So you hold your head low and smile as some man's reaction...pretending to be a fortress of strength...but all weak and crying inside. She knows you are waiting for the touch of her lips, and so she takes her eyes away into the darkening horizon. She becomes uncertain, but she keeps her smile there...naughty but hopeful. She wants to regain ground and be the aggressor, but too late, she is forward looking now...seeing you in her future...picturing it with delight. She establishes connection, smiles even more now, taking her head towards your direction. You tilt your head, as if examining her fair complexion at all angles and then taking your head lower lower lower to the level of her rosy lips. She responds, but with caution, and takes her own higher to your lips. All you could offer her is a smile. Now, all the gifts do not matter, all the rhetoric and cheesy stuff do not count, all you could think of is smile back as the distance between both of you lessen and the beat of your heart heightens. This is the moment...this is your nexus.

But before your lips do touch in oh glorious romance, as if dancing a ballet so close and so intertwined...her parents bust open the door and welcome you both with cheer. HELLO! HOW WAS THE MOVIE? You go: OH DAMN! OH SIOMAI! OH PAG-IBIG! You immediately get hit by reality and withdraw your head to its normal base position. She looks away, confused whether at your leather shoes, the roses at her back, or at her parents to greet them good night. You could do nothing but perhaps ease her disappointment by greeting her parents back, saving her the trouble. Then she thankfully looks back at you, candidly fixing your sweater that has gone out of its position due to her lying on you the whole movie and drive home. She notices you have no necktie, only a polo, and so she irons out your chest area with taps and laughs. "We had a great time ma, pa." You laugh back, regaining all senses of humor. She gains back her walls as well, her fortress is sealed, her gates are back to lock mode, her artillery is back to all systems ready to fire---lock and load. Her parents wave goodbye and then become the instigators of the cheesy by asking her to give you a smack...just a smack at the cheeks. The taxi driver waits impatiently, but he understands...having seen such events more than once in his lifetime. He counts his earnings instead, occassionally looking at you for a signal to wait. You feel for the driver and so offer your cheek...as if nothing happened. She smacks them...but not much is felt. Her parents are delighted, ma is in neverland while pa, he gives you a suspicious look but with a grin telling you: "Well done son, but of course, I did better in my prime."

The night ends...ends so quickly.

We have our own nexus...our own world. As for me, this is just one of them.

I do not blame myself for being a hopeless romantic, as many men out there. It is not a crime to be so idealistic, not a loss to be so sincere, not a weakness to be so in touch.

Hitch was right, there are no principles to loving someone...no love doctors...no nada.

I am entitled to my nexus, but I am also entitled to my life. For sometime now I've been dreaming of this girl, of my job, of my peepz, my folks, my pol sci pals altogether. If only had enough money to treat them in a fine KATIPUNAN pizza parlor, or enough attention to listen to all their stories. Should I try harder, I would be able to respond and give them good advise. If only my other nexuses didn't trouble my mind so.

Come to think of it, that is perhaps why there is no such thing as a nexus...a real place to be in. Living in your ideal world this early beats the purpose of living. Living is sweeter if it is first sour. What you want or need are worked for, prayed for, earned again and not given in a flick of a wrist. For if there is no processing of the soul, then happiness can only be temporal. If one exists to daydream and dream some more, then one is not living...but is dull, lifeless, unproductive.

It is good to have a nexus in mind...it gives you direction, something to aspire...but that is a goal...not a way of living. It gives you tickly sensations...but it is only ambition or at worst, an illusion. Making it a reality is something else, tougher, harder...but all the more tangible...sweeter...real.

Quoting William Shatner in that movie: "I did not make a difference."

Difference---connoting something negative...but if made is a positive thing.

How can you make the negative things right if you are in a far too ideal world?

I say, live for the moment, aim high...make the difference...then concretize your nexus.

You are accountable to God, family, friends, country first and foremost. Tis is a sacrifice, but only those who have a clear idea of a nexus would fully grasp the undertaking.

And what is in the end of the rainbow? No, not nexus...tis still a worldly concept...how about heaven? Yes, I believe heaven sounds better.

Dream on, pray harder, live hardest...God speed!