The joy of pleasing everyone can be depressing
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That realization came after I sat and for once in a long time, listened to our pastor’s sermon. His message was all about depression and how to have hope granted the circumstances of today. A specific area dealt with an attitude in life I have that somehow gets me in a lot of trouble. By the way, I just came from a heated debate with a political ally and friend. The outcome was more than what I’d hoped for---his apology and our reconciliation. But as I said, it also told me something important about life: you can’t please everyone, all the time.
You can try. Still, you will not please everyone at all given times.
One rumor can ruin years of friendship. Your success works hand-in-hand with an overall program to bring you down. That is why we need to be humbled once in a while. No, this is not humiliation. This is meekness. This is all about recognizing that you are not omniscient or omnipresent. This is all about waking up knowing that you are yourself and that the world will always have something good and bad to say about you.
Humility---the order of the day for the tired, for the weary, for the downtrodden.
I had a short conversation with Celine using SMS. For a long time, I haven’t really been open about my dilemmas to a lady. I don’t know, to me, confiding with other men comes easier than with a woman. It should be the other way around. Well, this really depends on the receptiveness of women you converse with. Sometimes, they can make you feel afraid and all that. Credit to Celine, I was able to share bits and pieces of what I felt.
I do not know whether or not I am in a state of depression. One thing is for certain though---and that is that I am thinking more about myself nowadays. It would be good if I imagined myself ten years from now. It would be good if I thought of how I was to improve my clothing line. But no, it was more of daydreaming, self-pitying, and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
A long time for contemplation and prayer gave me this: no, I am not depressed. I am too young to say such now. Too many people have far many troubles than I do. So how dare I say I am depressed? Maybe I should pay attention to Kristian’s advice: get some sleep. I am not depressed. I have no reason to be. In the company of so many people, I should not be. Perhaps, it is that I am confused.
A life spent pleasing others and aiming to win most of the time has led me to this. My very first post in this site was a complete revelation of what I am going through. How stupid of me not to pay attention to what I said back then. It took me like 50 more posts to figure out this little issue.
I have to be completely honest about the following remarks.
Now for certain, I say this.
Recent events may have affected me. I have tried to envelop myself in the comfort of many people, many events, and many material things. This, to no avail. I am not talking about academics alone. In fact, I thank God that academics surprisingly is not presenting itself as one of the main problems. So what events have affected me? You sure know.
Friend confront me and say, so what’s up with you? Have you taken that big gamble of your life (see preceding post: the analogy section)? I smile and say I am not sure.
I am not sure.
A career of success due to God and people around me has left me unprepared? I say no. So what has left me irresolute? I do not know.
Recent events, not people.
I feel nothing this afternoon, as if life itself has been drained out of me. The very elixir of life is not with me. The feeling that God has abandoned me just as much as the feeling of reason has left me for nothing rules my heart.
I am living the monster I should not be.
Suddenly, I am getting the feeling that I am depressed. I am getting the feeling of betrayal. Everything I have done to make the lives of others somehow better, I simply can not do to myself.
I do not brag that I have affected other people’s lives. This is better left implicit, unsaid, left for others to say of you. But I say that I try. Thing is, I can’t make myself happier.
Two things:
(1) I am seeing things from a wrong perspective.
(2) I am happy as can be and there is not much point seeking more happiness for myself.
I am becoming the ghost I so refused to become---a depressed person thinking of himself most of the time. Unproductive thoughts, and as the song goes: time to face the truth, I can never be with you.
Somehow, something positive just entered my mind.
I am a poor actor. In fact, I hate drama. I’d rather go see gore in war than see two lovers kiss for like two minutes while the camera pans from all angles. I don’t get that at times.
This compilation named Chronicles is the contradiction of all this. It shows my sentimental side. It shows the romantic and the optimist in me. And I am more than glad it has. Men slave away confining emotions to themselves. I have the chance to shed some light on me and my world through Chronicles. I am proud to say, I have been true.
It sounds as if I am writing a last entry of a journal. In some sense, yes. Realistically, not really. You see, after every rant, relaying of a story, or drama seen in each of my entries, I try to give some positive ending.
For this entry, I say this:
- At times we fall to a point of confusion. Contrary to what psychologists want to call it, it is not a crisis. It is a phase. It is but normal to be depressed or feel stressed. Don’t sit there crying or eating. Go back to what you were doing and go help others. Yes, perhaps in making their lives better you can see what is indeed missing in yours. They may eventually return the favor and save you.
- Be grateful that you experience your fare share of difficulties. These nuisances will pass. You are not the only one. A man without a problem is a dead man.
- That I never in my life doubted my readers. I hope they do not doubt me. I hope they see that this is not a corny thing I do during break times. And I hope I can be a better friend. Some just need to let me in. For some, I have to open my doors.
Life is unfair? Or are you unfair to yourself? It is a matter of perspective. You deserve more. So do not at any point pull yourself down and say you are worthless. Believe me, I tried. Did not do me much good I tell you.
Monday. I become myself again. Unaware I just said this much, unaware that the system is slowly eating me whole. Next year, who knows? I may be a tweaked man. Tweaked for the best I know.
Did I say all that? Forgive me, the videoke singing downstairs is getting to my nerves. Nah, just kidding.
By the way, the social science stacks in the main lib, the gloomy area gave me a fright. Really scary.
Congrats Manny P.!
Hello Marian!
Great art Rania!
Miss you grai!
Celine.ahem!
Keep focused Jason!
Kristian tulog na!
Dominic, nice hair!
Ayen, weirdo ko kanina sa geog no?
April, alang wanten...tsk.
Grai, di ko gets...anong school of magic?
Farrah, oh well, di ka naman nagbabasa nito hehe!
WORLD, yes, let's be happy and, gay?
Come to think of it, I don’t want to change that much. Oh God I should have listened.
That realization came after I sat and for once in a long time, listened to our pastor’s sermon. His message was all about depression and how to have hope granted the circumstances of today. A specific area dealt with an attitude in life I have that somehow gets me in a lot of trouble. By the way, I just came from a heated debate with a political ally and friend. The outcome was more than what I’d hoped for---his apology and our reconciliation. But as I said, it also told me something important about life: you can’t please everyone, all the time.
You can try. Still, you will not please everyone at all given times.
One rumor can ruin years of friendship. Your success works hand-in-hand with an overall program to bring you down. That is why we need to be humbled once in a while. No, this is not humiliation. This is meekness. This is all about recognizing that you are not omniscient or omnipresent. This is all about waking up knowing that you are yourself and that the world will always have something good and bad to say about you.
Humility---the order of the day for the tired, for the weary, for the downtrodden.
I had a short conversation with Celine using SMS. For a long time, I haven’t really been open about my dilemmas to a lady. I don’t know, to me, confiding with other men comes easier than with a woman. It should be the other way around. Well, this really depends on the receptiveness of women you converse with. Sometimes, they can make you feel afraid and all that. Credit to Celine, I was able to share bits and pieces of what I felt.
I do not know whether or not I am in a state of depression. One thing is for certain though---and that is that I am thinking more about myself nowadays. It would be good if I imagined myself ten years from now. It would be good if I thought of how I was to improve my clothing line. But no, it was more of daydreaming, self-pitying, and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
A long time for contemplation and prayer gave me this: no, I am not depressed. I am too young to say such now. Too many people have far many troubles than I do. So how dare I say I am depressed? Maybe I should pay attention to Kristian’s advice: get some sleep. I am not depressed. I have no reason to be. In the company of so many people, I should not be. Perhaps, it is that I am confused.
A life spent pleasing others and aiming to win most of the time has led me to this. My very first post in this site was a complete revelation of what I am going through. How stupid of me not to pay attention to what I said back then. It took me like 50 more posts to figure out this little issue.
I have to be completely honest about the following remarks.
Now for certain, I say this.
Recent events may have affected me. I have tried to envelop myself in the comfort of many people, many events, and many material things. This, to no avail. I am not talking about academics alone. In fact, I thank God that academics surprisingly is not presenting itself as one of the main problems. So what events have affected me? You sure know.
Friend confront me and say, so what’s up with you? Have you taken that big gamble of your life (see preceding post: the analogy section)? I smile and say I am not sure.
I am not sure.
A career of success due to God and people around me has left me unprepared? I say no. So what has left me irresolute? I do not know.
Recent events, not people.
I feel nothing this afternoon, as if life itself has been drained out of me. The very elixir of life is not with me. The feeling that God has abandoned me just as much as the feeling of reason has left me for nothing rules my heart.
I am living the monster I should not be.
Suddenly, I am getting the feeling that I am depressed. I am getting the feeling of betrayal. Everything I have done to make the lives of others somehow better, I simply can not do to myself.
I do not brag that I have affected other people’s lives. This is better left implicit, unsaid, left for others to say of you. But I say that I try. Thing is, I can’t make myself happier.
Two things:
(1) I am seeing things from a wrong perspective.
(2) I am happy as can be and there is not much point seeking more happiness for myself.
I am becoming the ghost I so refused to become---a depressed person thinking of himself most of the time. Unproductive thoughts, and as the song goes: time to face the truth, I can never be with you.
Somehow, something positive just entered my mind.
I am a poor actor. In fact, I hate drama. I’d rather go see gore in war than see two lovers kiss for like two minutes while the camera pans from all angles. I don’t get that at times.
This compilation named Chronicles is the contradiction of all this. It shows my sentimental side. It shows the romantic and the optimist in me. And I am more than glad it has. Men slave away confining emotions to themselves. I have the chance to shed some light on me and my world through Chronicles. I am proud to say, I have been true.
It sounds as if I am writing a last entry of a journal. In some sense, yes. Realistically, not really. You see, after every rant, relaying of a story, or drama seen in each of my entries, I try to give some positive ending.
For this entry, I say this:
- At times we fall to a point of confusion. Contrary to what psychologists want to call it, it is not a crisis. It is a phase. It is but normal to be depressed or feel stressed. Don’t sit there crying or eating. Go back to what you were doing and go help others. Yes, perhaps in making their lives better you can see what is indeed missing in yours. They may eventually return the favor and save you.
- Be grateful that you experience your fare share of difficulties. These nuisances will pass. You are not the only one. A man without a problem is a dead man.
- That I never in my life doubted my readers. I hope they do not doubt me. I hope they see that this is not a corny thing I do during break times. And I hope I can be a better friend. Some just need to let me in. For some, I have to open my doors.
Life is unfair? Or are you unfair to yourself? It is a matter of perspective. You deserve more. So do not at any point pull yourself down and say you are worthless. Believe me, I tried. Did not do me much good I tell you.
Monday. I become myself again. Unaware I just said this much, unaware that the system is slowly eating me whole. Next year, who knows? I may be a tweaked man. Tweaked for the best I know.
Did I say all that? Forgive me, the videoke singing downstairs is getting to my nerves. Nah, just kidding.
By the way, the social science stacks in the main lib, the gloomy area gave me a fright. Really scary.
Congrats Manny P.!
Hello Marian!
Great art Rania!
Miss you grai!
Celine.ahem!
Keep focused Jason!
Kristian tulog na!
Dominic, nice hair!
Ayen, weirdo ko kanina sa geog no?
April, alang wanten...tsk.
Grai, di ko gets...anong school of magic?
Farrah, oh well, di ka naman nagbabasa nito hehe!
WORLD, yes, let's be happy and, gay?
Come to think of it, I don’t want to change that much. Oh God I should have listened.
posted by green and black chancellor at 7:48 PM
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