Do it the metro way

I did it the metro way, yes I did.

See these posters around?

What do they exactly mean?

What is the metro way?

Ah heck, as far as touring the metro and doing a lot of firsts...yesterday was simply the definitive.

My first bus ride to Gil Puyat, let alone the first bus ride I took from Philcoa.

My first LRT1 ride since I was still 4, and a cute handsome pea!!! It's still clear to me. The last ride, when I was four is one of the few childhood memories that remain clear to me. Why? We lived in Banawe QC that time. Plus, I puked somewhere approaching the station. Simple as that. So I was reminiscing and all!

The LRT 2 going back is a far cry by the way. For once, I wanted to believe the Philippines could be like this...this orderly, this civil, this modern.

My first interview of a GSIS executive, and a business exec in a long time. This was for PS 150 by the way, and that experience was like whoa! In fairness to the man, he blew my English away, yeah I really had to fake my confidence look just to make him feel I was at par with him. I personally loved his monologues. He tried to explain how GSIS conducts its business in a nutshell. He succeeded. Plus, we get free documents that I hope are made available to the public. Thank God we connected. I hope we didn't look like ignorant students of management.

My first taste of Jimini pizza! Small, cute, inexpensive, tasty! just needs more toppings in my opinion. We (Gen and Karla) ate at the GSIS Cafeteria. It was a gloomy afternoon. We made it a bit sunnier. Everything was so corporate in appearance. Everything except the comfort room. Hmmm, something for the paper!

My first time to enter SM Manila. Wasn't impressed though. Oh well, SM malls never really did impress me in terms of aesthetics and facilities. But do we have a choice? I bought a VCD copy of Imelda for out film showing tomorrow...thanks APSM for the consent to make use of the lobby I think!

It will be better for me to disclose my plans for the CRS at a later time. Just a note, I loved the electives line up! I think the 180s are great. Wait...they're all great! I don't care if I end up taking GEs next year...I see what I want and I grab them by the hair!

Next sem is promising. CHRISTMAS! MY BIRTHDAY BASH (ang kiddy no?)! Orgs to manage, orgs to serve, orgs to organize. Did I mention orgs? Fitting in is no longer my problem. Never was. By the looks of it, never will for a long time! God, I just thank your for the doors you opened. More here and there. MULTI_TASKING I LOVE YOU! Acads...this will be a blast...time to pull that GWA above 2...for MIS!!! haha. At least I'm, clear on this. MIS is numero uno in my list.

No time for senseless things. NO time to waste. Love? It will come. Heck, I think I'm seeing things clearly now. How stupid of me. How ignorant of God's plan. I submit to His grand scheme. And it tells me to wait. Perhaps lose 50 lbs and work on a new clothing line. Perhaps sweep the dust off my heart. Perhaps set my priorities before thinking of family. Perhaps put emotions in their rightful places---within me. So love will not be in the vocabulary list...cross your fingers!

How about you? How was your metro way? A way that bridges the new ways with the better ones. A way that takes you to new heights. A way where the fast lane gets faster.

God, grant me the strength.

Sarcastic smiles and sweet hellos

Is this reality?

I guess so.

Was listening to an interview the other night. The DJ of this popular radio station asks an artist about the content of his album. The artist replies: "it's about phases of my life."

I take a breathe and sigh. Are albums all about their lives, or phases of their lives? Can't they think of a new theme, something more appealing, something not about them?

C2 is a great drink. It has both the catchy packaging and the smooth delicious flavor factors that make people want to drink it. Regardless of what chemicals are put in there with the natural tea, I go and buy it. Regardless of what they say about it being one of some products dumped by Europeans here after finding out its content, I take barrels of it a month (except the green tea flavor). I love C2. Just as I love Coke more than Pepsi.

Just the same feeling with KFC. They pass around the Internet, disturbing shots of featherless chickens fattened to be slaughtered. According to the forwarders, these chickens were genetically enchanced to meet the right weight, the right size for the kill. Heck, I just tell myself that these things are untrue. And if they were, these cases are not true for the Philippines. So, I eat KFC chicken strips to my delight. I mean, we're all gonna die someday aren't we? I am gonna enjoy my KFC...hmp.

After all the activities scheduled by Buklod CSSP, all the things I hear on radio and television, I still am not sure of what to stand for on this GMA ouster issue. Not only is an alternative hanging out there in limbo, people don't mass out the way they used to---they want to live on and make things happen.

Contrary to what some activists say, I don't think this translates to people nowadays being so apathetic and less active in politics. It depends. What context? Forms of activism change. If activism is mob rallying in the streets, then I guess people are less involved. But it is not. Service to communities is activism---and sometimes, it has more sense and at times looks like the HIGHEST form of activism. I mean, that's oblation for you.

Criticizing the government is a way of helping it. Helping it in its better aspirations is helping it as well. Again I say, let us search for the truth. But the status quo is holding sway. The opposition better be aware, the other forces have launched counter-attacks and now we have Michael Ray Aquino and grand daddy USA.

My point? If society fails, government fails. Who has the right to throw the first stone?

Who is the rightful heir to the throne?

There's this weird but really sweet old lady at the Filipinana photocopying center (main lib). While I was having a book on Philippine military-civilian relations 1946-76 written no less than Ma'am Carolina Hernandez for my 171 paper on the same subject area, we shared moments or two talking about UP life. She was a former UPD student- BA English. She did not finish, pregnancy and early marriage. So she ended up as a typist, then a photocopying institution. She types thesis papers as a sideline. Makes sense, she took up typing. I felt at home speaking with this lady. There was this comfort. It was as if my lola in the States went back to have tea with me. There was this comfort. Eventually I found out that her sons and daughters are finished with their studies and two of them are in the USA, making life a whole lot easier for her.

Wow. I was thinking, and it came to me that she was working basically to keep herself busy.

How I wish.

What is an accomplished life?

I admire this lady for her opinion on things. She has a straightforward approach often heard from old ladies....lolas.

But no. My life is complicated. I made it that way. A life of sarcastic smiles and sweet hellos. I hate the drama. But I am enthralled to it. I feed off this drama more than my papers, more than my accomplishments, more than these dreams people say the have but have not.

I reiterrate my desire to live a full life. I have people to make it so. I have...argh, enough crap.

Grai, I swear I heard you over the radio - 99.5 RT. If it was not you, then I do not know how many Graces in the world lives in QC, knows Charm among many, loves Ateneo specially the Rocket JC Intal, and HAS that sleepy seducing voice of sophistication.

Argh, the cool weather is getting to me. Marikina River overflowed. I like it. I like to see rivers at their fullest, see their deadly powerful waves. A single drop of rain can aid a tidal wave somewhere else.

For now, that is life in a nutshell.

For now, I put it at that.

Regardless. God be your strength and the meaning to your nutshells.

The joy of pleasing everyone can be depressing

Disclaimer: this blog may just eat up your internet credit…think twice before reading. Read at your own risk. =)

That realization came after I sat and for once in a long time, listened to our pastor’s sermon. His message was all about depression and how to have hope granted the circumstances of today. A specific area dealt with an attitude in life I have that somehow gets me in a lot of trouble. By the way, I just came from a heated debate with a political ally and friend. The outcome was more than what I’d hoped for---his apology and our reconciliation. But as I said, it also told me something important about life: you can’t please everyone, all the time.

You can try. Still, you will not please everyone at all given times.

One rumor can ruin years of friendship. Your success works hand-in-hand with an overall program to bring you down. That is why we need to be humbled once in a while. No, this is not humiliation. This is meekness. This is all about recognizing that you are not omniscient or omnipresent. This is all about waking up knowing that you are yourself and that the world will always have something good and bad to say about you.

Humility---the order of the day for the tired, for the weary, for the downtrodden.

I had a short conversation with Celine using SMS. For a long time, I haven’t really been open about my dilemmas to a lady. I don’t know, to me, confiding with other men comes easier than with a woman. It should be the other way around. Well, this really depends on the receptiveness of women you converse with. Sometimes, they can make you feel afraid and all that. Credit to Celine, I was able to share bits and pieces of what I felt.

I do not know whether or not I am in a state of depression. One thing is for certain though---and that is that I am thinking more about myself nowadays. It would be good if I imagined myself ten years from now. It would be good if I thought of how I was to improve my clothing line. But no, it was more of daydreaming, self-pitying, and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

A long time for contemplation and prayer gave me this: no, I am not depressed. I am too young to say such now. Too many people have far many troubles than I do. So how dare I say I am depressed? Maybe I should pay attention to Kristian’s advice: get some sleep. I am not depressed. I have no reason to be. In the company of so many people, I should not be. Perhaps, it is that I am confused.

A life spent pleasing others and aiming to win most of the time has led me to this. My very first post in this site was a complete revelation of what I am going through. How stupid of me not to pay attention to what I said back then. It took me like 50 more posts to figure out this little issue.

I have to be completely honest about the following remarks.

Now for certain, I say this.
Recent events may have affected me. I have tried to envelop myself in the comfort of many people, many events, and many material things. This, to no avail. I am not talking about academics alone. In fact, I thank God that academics surprisingly is not presenting itself as one of the main problems. So what events have affected me? You sure know.

Friend confront me and say, so what’s up with you? Have you taken that big gamble of your life (see preceding post: the analogy section)? I smile and say I am not sure.

I am not sure.

A career of success due to God and people around me has left me unprepared? I say no. So what has left me irresolute? I do not know.

Recent events, not people.

I feel nothing this afternoon, as if life itself has been drained out of me. The very elixir of life is not with me. The feeling that God has abandoned me just as much as the feeling of reason has left me for nothing rules my heart.

I am living the monster I should not be.

Suddenly, I am getting the feeling that I am depressed. I am getting the feeling of betrayal. Everything I have done to make the lives of others somehow better, I simply can not do to myself.

I do not brag that I have affected other people’s lives. This is better left implicit, unsaid, left for others to say of you. But I say that I try. Thing is, I can’t make myself happier.

Two things:
(1) I am seeing things from a wrong perspective.
(2) I am happy as can be and there is not much point seeking more happiness for myself.

I am becoming the ghost I so refused to become---a depressed person thinking of himself most of the time. Unproductive thoughts, and as the song goes: time to face the truth, I can never be with you.

Somehow, something positive just entered my mind.

I am a poor actor. In fact, I hate drama. I’d rather go see gore in war than see two lovers kiss for like two minutes while the camera pans from all angles. I don’t get that at times.

This compilation named Chronicles is the contradiction of all this. It shows my sentimental side. It shows the romantic and the optimist in me. And I am more than glad it has. Men slave away confining emotions to themselves. I have the chance to shed some light on me and my world through Chronicles. I am proud to say, I have been true.

It sounds as if I am writing a last entry of a journal. In some sense, yes. Realistically, not really. You see, after every rant, relaying of a story, or drama seen in each of my entries, I try to give some positive ending.

For this entry, I say this:

- At times we fall to a point of confusion. Contrary to what psychologists want to call it, it is not a crisis. It is a phase. It is but normal to be depressed or feel stressed. Don’t sit there crying or eating. Go back to what you were doing and go help others. Yes, perhaps in making their lives better you can see what is indeed missing in yours. They may eventually return the favor and save you.
- Be grateful that you experience your fare share of difficulties. These nuisances will pass. You are not the only one. A man without a problem is a dead man.
- That I never in my life doubted my readers. I hope they do not doubt me. I hope they see that this is not a corny thing I do during break times. And I hope I can be a better friend. Some just need to let me in. For some, I have to open my doors.

Life is unfair? Or are you unfair to yourself? It is a matter of perspective. You deserve more. So do not at any point pull yourself down and say you are worthless. Believe me, I tried. Did not do me much good I tell you.

Monday. I become myself again. Unaware I just said this much, unaware that the system is slowly eating me whole. Next year, who knows? I may be a tweaked man. Tweaked for the best I know.

Did I say all that? Forgive me, the videoke singing downstairs is getting to my nerves. Nah, just kidding.

By the way, the social science stacks in the main lib, the gloomy area gave me a fright. Really scary.

Congrats Manny P.!

Hello Marian!

Great art Rania!

Miss you grai!

Celine.ahem!

Keep focused Jason!

Kristian tulog na!

Dominic, nice hair!

Ayen, weirdo ko kanina sa geog no?

April, alang wanten...tsk.

Grai, di ko gets...anong school of magic?

Farrah, oh well, di ka naman nagbabasa nito hehe!

WORLD, yes, let's be happy and, gay?

Come to think of it, I don’t want to change that much. Oh God I should have listened.

Jerkasaurus Rex

Fascinating. One minute you think everything's fine and dandy. Another minute, you're sweating like hell.

Equally fascinating. One minute, a person is your friend. The other minute, after some word with some "friend", that one is gone. Funny what gossip can do.

Eto na ang betrayal. Eto na.

That is why I ask: Who am I to trust?

More fascinating. I am caught in the middle.

Na-confirm ko na ang sukdulan ng pambabackstab na to. I am a real quiet person at times. I can be real down and serious. I can be real generous. I try to be a good friend. So let me be down and serious while being generous and a friend...

But now, my patience has been stretched. Nanggagaliiti na ako e. Beware a man without enemies. Beware of a man who seeks to befriend the world. When he is pricked, he can be a scheming thorn. His innocence in the art of betrayal can actually make him do things beyond your imagination. Pasalamat ka tsong hindi ako yung tipo na yun....

Dito ko lang ilalabas ang sama ng loob ko. Alam ko binabasa to ng ilang friends nya, okay lang tutal nasabi ko naman sa kanila e at thank God they know which side they are on. Allow me to be evil just this once. Here goes...

Pare, ano ba problema mo?!

Tingin mo sa akin jerk?! Dude naman, kung inggit ka or anything sabihin mo lang sa akin. Madali naman ako kausap e. Ako pa hihingi ng paumanhin. Ayoko na mag-imply, dude explicit na to...asar ako sa ginawa mo. Hindi ako galit sa iyo...given lahat ng kalokohang ginawa mo sa akin. Pasalmat ka. Pagdarasal pa kita. Di to dinadaan sa backstab. Harapan to. OKay? May gusto ka sabhin? Sabihin mo? Ano tingin mo sa akin? Uumbagin ka oras marinig ko panig mo? INDE!!! Kaya itigil mo na pagngiti sa harapan ko. Wag ka na ngumiti. Saan pa lahat ng samahan natin? Saan?

Sige, ako na ang jerk. Ako na ang walang kuwentang tao ANG SARAP APAKAN. Lagi naman diba dude? Ano kasalanan ko? Ala, masarap lang ako upakan. Anong kakumagan naman yan?

Pasensya kung may mali akong ginawa. Di ko siguro alam yun. Pasensya na, okay?

Dude, usap tayo. Dude, sabihm mo sa akin. Ayoko dalhin to hanggang Pebrero. Ayoko na. Pabigat sa buhay e.

Ako ang jerk. Pre, ako. Ako na sige po. Ayoko suklian ng karampatang aksyon ang pinagagawa mo...lunas na lang.

On to other matters. Drama ba? Hehe actually nakangiti ako. Alam naman naming dalawa ang mga pagkukulang namin e. We're cool. Kelangan lang pag-usapan over isaw siguro.

Poor jerk can't hold on to grades, can't hold on to time, can't hold on to love?

A point of clarification about this rumors schwumors putting me against a great friend of mine on one simple issue called love...because it's making me sick and making it difficult for other parties involved. And though these are just rumors, I feel responsible to kill this one. Or if not, take the spotlight off me. Defensive? No. Just putting things into perspective.

I'll put it like this. I never had an intimate relationship with any woman outside my world. Another way. I never had a formal relationship with any woman who happened to step into my life out of nowhere...short, a stranger whom I took in and then developed this thing called love. To begin with, what is love? If love is having a crush on someone, sure I am guilty. BUT love is not like that. It is something deeper. And I didn't have THAT DEEP thing. Gets? Great!

So that ends it. Oksie doksie? Call me jerkasaurus rex for not pushing this button or not chasing something you may think I should have. Thank you. I guess I have the final say. And I say no. Let's not complicate things. I do not want to be a burden to anyone. Never wanted to be anyone's enemy. And I thank my friend for saying that it is a "matter of understanding" (winks) hehe. We're cool.

To some, speaking of things like this can be the highest form of cowardice. Why? Some things are better left private. On the contrary, I think this is one of the more difficult things in life to do. The truth hurts. At least this one did not. I say, all emotions aside, that this did not. "All emotions aside?"

THIS IS ANOTHER OF JERKASAURUS' ANALOGIES (walang kinalaman sa anuman, naisip ko lang dala ng tapang ng kape dito)
Ang pag-ibig, parang asa pila ka ng jeep. Bakante ang harapan. So deretso ka naman. LOKO! Little do you know that this was a big gamble. You miscalculated. There are two possibilities (1) may sakay pala actually (2) may sisingit sa harap out of nowhere. E nangyari ang (1) Rather, you did not see things clearly. Nakayuko lang pala yung magkapalampungan. Pag-angat nila, kita mo, syet, puno na ang harapan. But you can't turn back. Kasi dere-deretso naman ang pagpasok ng mga nasa likod mo. Wala kang mapuntahan. Lalarga na ang jeep. So sobrang hiya, punta ka sa likod ng pinaka-likod. Nagmamasid. Balisa. This is your depression stage. Some of us, out of pride, alis na lang sa buong pila at bawi bayad para mag-bus na lang. Some of us do recover, they fall in line and take a chance on another jeep. But their heart is not the same. Andun yung markang iniwanan nung unang gamble. Apparently you failed before. Would you want to take the plunge again? Gaya ng sinabi, ang iba lilipat na lang sa uncertainty ng bus. Some of us, out of delikadeza, susunod sa pila. They choose the lesser evil. So upo na lang sa likod. Tanong? Masaya ka ba? Kung ang hilig mo sa buhay ay umupo sa harapan, magiging masaya ka ba? Love is a gamble. It is about the highest forms of nothingness that make you the better person. It is about the best things in life. Would you choose second best? I do not. Some of us, they go ahead sa harapan, may magandang babae rin kasi dun. Kaso loko ka, may sumingit. Tapos nanaman. Ulit ang cycle. PERO, some succeed. They get the girl and the front seat in life. Good for them. Rebound dude. Laban lang. If for the right reasons, darating ang tama para sa iyo.

LAMENTATIONS CHAPTER 1 VERSE 28
Siguro pangit ako. But no one's too ugly not to be loved.
Siguro bobo ako. Pero mayroon din namang nagpapauto.
Siguro ala ako nun at ganun. Shocks.
Or baka (yabang lang to) meron ako lahat nun, di lang tugma sa partner in life?

I swear at the end of this blog, I'll sigh and leave it all to you.

At least malinaw na...sana ang mga bagay-bagay. At kung hindi mo alam ang rumor. Wag mo itanong sa akin. Smile lang kapalit nyan. Ayoko manakit ng tao. Ayoko rin magmukhang kawawa DAHIL HINDI.

NYEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHE! Ang sarap ng pakiramdam? Emancipation.

Pray for the health of Dr. Carlos...and her paper presentation.

Pray for your friends.

Pray for this country. Honestly, I don't feel the way I do about the anti-GMA campaign as I did with ERAP. Litaw siguro ang bias. Pero though I need the truth. I also need to live. We need to live. Naguguluhan talaga ako sa issue na to. but there, GMA's influence clearly stands out. Rather, her allies' strength.

Pray that you still know what it is to pray. For if not, God have mercy we're going to the dogs.