Silent senseless whispers end tonight

Incoherence is my middle name

I have to admit that when I compose my blog entries, I do so with little thought on form and structure. Haha, I now laugh at the number of unorganized ideas, prolonged stories, and gramatically wrong statements I have hoisted into text for your viewing pleasure...I wish hehe.

But I guess that's just me. Am still as emotional as I try to be objective (to however objective can be described) and rational in my account of events and issues that matter to me and in a way those I care about.

I recall times I had as a news editor, features writer, opinion columnist and poetry contributor for our high school paper. I was particularly fond of making standard short poems with rhyme and measure in twenty minutes just to meet the deadline. It was fun beating the deadline, but also more on drafting and reading the poems once they got published. Amazing how critical writing and creative writing don't usually go hand-in-hand. Nowadays, specially in the behavioralist framework, rigidity and validity in the study is as so in the form and structure of paper-writing. All and well with me. However, substantially suffers and so technical writing is not what 199 should be about. And I am grateful that this university is not like that in training future scholars. I've seen beautiful exceptions such as the case in our 199 thesis proposal wherein Dr. Carlos demanded an anecdote from us to serve as an introduction to the introduction to the paper. I must say that I like the balance of literary profoundness and academic shrewdness in writing in that proposal. After all, a paper is useless and deemed meaningless if it does not have relevance or any declared significance to the author.

Being someone who believes too much in the power of structures and order, I am at fault in being too disciplinarian with fellow members of organizations and other formations. I have this knack for detail, much like how I want any story to be narrated in detail, or what is regarded as the postmodern obsessive compulsive workaholic. Though I contest my being workaholic because to my mind am not that yet; I do not contest my being rigid and legalist. Well, to me, laws and policies are there to preserve order in a world of anarchic rule or that of social dynamism. We have to have order. Our nature as human beings demand that we have order or suffer chaos. Hehe, the kind of chaos I have with the incoherence of my thoughts. Out of this need, this want of an ideal world that is characterized as one with perfect harmony and order, societies craft lwas and ordinances that formalize mainstream practices or views of society. And for this reason, there is a corresponding need to highlight morality and all things proper and decent. Ofcourse there is trouble in defining what is proper and decent as no one, not even the elites, have monopoly over the use. But in consensual terms, we need to preserve society through value systems we have created to benefit us. And mind you, if you believe the means justify the ends, then you should not advocate such egg throwing, mud hurling, and word lashing at distinguished men in uniform. This for the simple reason that there is authority and credibility to a certain extent behind the name and the person. And not unless we intend plan on gradually destroying the walls created by such word as proper and decent, should we find an excuse for being disrespectful and use fire with fire tactics. I was there and I myself was left appalled. I read Sir Magno, I read the APSM statement, I read the Collegian counter-statement to the countered CNS statement by APSM. In short, I saw both sides of the coin and I made my choice using this prism. Believe me, even those in the Collegian are not fully one in this issue, I guess even those on the other side aren't as well. And in the subject of labeling, I think it is fair that one be called communist if this one has been so reckless in calling the other fascist and definitely, the vice-versa applies. I think I have to make these things clear before I go on talk about something else. Yes, incoherence is my middle name. Yes, I feel good about what I am talking about.

So this Atenean childhood friend of mine called up to say hello. Goosebumps again. I'm susceptible to these feelings. I entertain their tickle and I shiver in the process. Maybe I missed her so badly after much fun we had after that dinner at Max couple or so days back. Maybe tis' because she makes me hear things I've longed to hear from other people. How self-serving. You know that one is your friend when you know it. She makes you feel good. She can make you feel bad. That's how it goes and I love the interaction. We talked about nothing that much really. Had to visit the constructed CSSPSC website for administrative review after that. But still, I thank her for being there to aid me when I am this shallow, this disjointed, this incoherent in this area of my life---amazingly, just this one area called love life. hahaha, I know I know. But tis' nice to talk about once in a while.

And since incoherence is my middle name, I think juxtaposing people and ideas to save me from my thoughts sounds nice and appropriate. Ofcourse, a prayer is in order. God be the source of clarity in your life.

Here they come, the beautiful ones

Katsumoto nearing death in the movie The Last Samurai remarked as he looked into the cherry blossoms falling: "Perfect...They are all perfect."

And though everything that was in the past week can not be encapsulated by the claim of a dying hero; such words can still make sense in the burgeoning moments of emotional highs and few times that should matter.

Nothing could be worse than what happened after the successful APSM forum on Conflict and Economic Development. To put simply, one could never have absolute freedom, EVEN within the hallowed grounds of the university. Academic freedom should not be seen as freedom or exemption at the least from the laws and standard operating procedures and practices that govern this country. Lest they are vexing me and the audience for some other point, I see no reason why one go callously fire so many irrelevant questions at the Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces. I could forgive the apparently misinterpretation of my discussion by, of all disciplines, a Sociology professor on the non-functionalism of society. If I may say, she was putting words in my mind and making clear the points I raised. So thank you.

What I could not forgive was what they did to the AFP general. Sure, UP is a forum, a melting pot of ideas. Yet elements within the university, disguising themselves, perhaps the cure of Philippine society and the way to go are destroying the hallowdness of free discourse by breaking the laws and simply showing utmost disrespect.

I do not mean all. I mean those unidentified students and several students inside the CM Recto. Irreconcilable that they argue the oppression, if true, against them be put to stop if they themselves fight fire with fire. And in fairness to Gen. Esperon, he had every bit of what can be exacted to an appropriate answer to every inquiry of our USC Chairperson. The man was being gentleman. His troops, our troops, were calm and restrained as some members of the body were implicitly lashing at the institution and the order of things. Perhaps it is worth saying. But in a world of order and decency (to however you want to define it), the manner of conducting yourself matters a lot in how you are perceived and dealt with.

Even in liberal Europe and US, people who attack governments in such disrespectful manner and approach as throwing eggs at a military convoy are those who consider themselves as activists. If this is activist, if this is decorum, then I don't see why not activists are oftentimes associated with destabilizers and even terrorists. The latter claim again coming from the fact (again, define it however you want to as a pragmatist would) that purging within the leftist ranks is widespread. Heck, those who reject the dogma of one Jose Ma. Sison are on the hitlist. Now, if that isn't paramilitary action to you, I do not know what is. Simply put, do not argue that you are being stabbed in the front whilst your left hand has a knife and the right has a gun hidden at your back. Don't come to forums with the arrogance of cleaning hands unless you can say you are completely sinless.

Let the one who hath not sinned cast the first stone...

Respect. Restraint. Responsibility. Freedom comes for a price.

Other speakers well really into the debate, specially Dr. Alburo and Mam. Ferrer. I and fellow reactor, Ms. Mara Baviera felt that we really did not belong to such panel of esteemed personalities.

On to the matter that made me state Katsumoto's inspiring words. Everyone was beautiful and at their best yesterday during the graduation picture photo shoot. And though I did not feel the aura of finishing, I did feel teary-eyed inside seeing how we have progressed into well-rounded and decent men and women. If this be the hope of the country, all things being equal, I bet my bottom dollar that positive change can be so imminent. We were just high school graduates searching for a life back then. Now, we carry ourselves with pride and reason backed up by hope. Such manifests in the face of one. My indicators? Radiance beaming from head to toe. Body language that is refined and scheduled. Change from one haggard-looking student to one of grace ready to make men turn their heads 360 to the point of breaking. As for me, all I had to do was look around or look straight. Hehe, Gaius Julius Ceasar was right when he said that I came, I saw and I conquered. I was myself, though conscious at times of people and events. Homework did not exist. Issues did not exist. Sir Reb was also right, there is a time warp in here. And it warped from 2pm to 2am. I was so happy not really that I was looking so unlike me, but that everyone else was also at their best.

I need not name names. They themselves knew who were the standouts.

And may I remark that I won't be eating at Shakeys for some time. Lunch and dinner there were just too much a fill.

I told Celine that chewing your food to the last crumb really gives you the feeling that you are stuffed and that I realized or rediscovered that just then. In my world of fast food, everything is like swallowing hard and getting out of that seat soonest. Dinner was great. Outside issues on the forum and 199 woes and praises, I (came in late), Grai (rebounding and ever perky), Celine (really looked exquisite more than different), Farrah (she was oftentimes regarded by these words: "Ang ganda niya."), Louie (simple but Harry Potterish), Ann (we did the alternating wave move), Mau (gave me too much credit to me and my abilities but thanks a lot nonetheless =)), Jaja (whom I will treat this Thursday) and Badette (real great effort of waiting for all of us to finish) (oh yeah Erika Mayoni who is now more into love caught up) were in a good mood of sorts. And I mean of sorts.

The Council and friends were a blast. With so many costumes, our theme had to be: DIVERSITY!!!

My "date" with my Atenean child pal was great. Yes indeed. Memories, catching up, and a bit of teasing here and there. I gave her comforting advice on how to deal with relationships as I knew she was a real prize for having beauty, brains, character and a bit frank to her, wealth hahaha. She helped me out with mine. And though I told her I do not think of such things until God's time, she told me to expect the unexpected. I told her that I have been and will be. Put short, it was all good. We won't be seeing each other for some time, and with our schedules, SMS messaging won't be a frequent chore as well.

It's all good.

All that given, everything is beautiful. And if that could be close to what is perfect. I say, I'd settle for the ideal.

Fisherfolk

Ahhhh yes, breathing in the free air of being free. As hard a point I had to make last week in office, to every form of freedom there follows responsibility.

You have the freedom to not study, but you have the responsibility of feeding yourself.

You have the freedom to love, but you have the responsibility of reciprocating that love.

You have the freedom to spy on someone's public documents like for example this blog (how ironic), but you have the responsibility of interpreting the content intelligibly and without malice.

You have the freedom to steal a pen without permission, but you have the responsibility to be answerable to the law that govern that pen and the place of commission.

Plain and simple, you can't have it all...you have to give a lot and trust me a lot in this world.

Just like what I was doing just about minutes ago, watching the Ateneo-Adamson showdown and looking for a friend. Had a simple way of finding her, she looks darn beautiful that she stands out in the crowd. Haha, freedom to look indeed. Anyhow, there is this guiltless feeling in being single and being young. For now, I think I like the role of being the guy who tells someone: "I told you so." Back to the matter, I did find her in her Ateneo jersey and her captivating smile. So I send her an sms telling her "Told you so. You're just too good for the naive cameraman to ignore." She replied with a smiley which could mean a lof of things: (1) I agree. (2) Thanks. (3) Uhuh, now you're pulling my leg. and (4)Am busy having chowtime with friends to add anything else to that smiley.

It's all good in la-la land. Oh yeah, did my research and found out that Batang-Batang is in fact a barangay or a political unit in Tarlac City. I know quite a few people who hail from Tarlac. And I have contrasting experiences with them. Hehe.

Though I hate playing that part of being smarty pants and love doctor. I have difficulty listening to people nowadays. In communication, you be quick to listen and slow to speak. Sometimes, I am not that calculating listener. You see, when someone opens up intimate details about themselves such as this friend from PolSci whom I have hidden (not so much anymore) conversations with, you get the feeling you are on higher ground. Which most of the time is the case. She wants unsolicited advice on something say 199 matters and I give something she could use. Point being, you are on top with a smile and seemingly all the right answers in the world when she just needed some comfort all along.

I want to be the fisherfolk of men. Someone who isn't as brash as the speechwriter of the Pope or hope not, the Pope himself to make declarations on Muslims and wash hands clean later. Oh by the way, I do not subscribe to the infallibility doctrine. What I do believe is the doctrine of humility of being man which does not make man lesser of a man but more dignified a man. Get the pic?

I want to have mastery of communications---the arts. The ability to convey a message to a crowd with such fiery display but be able to morph into an endearing character who is able to listen before coming up with the whole enchalada of reckless and imprudent words. In short, to be the perfect company.

We go defend our predicates this Wednesday in 199 class with Dr. Carlos. I hope and pray I have gone as far as I should in dealing with my topic. However, another defense is currently playing on my mind. This is the defense of a cause. I am leader of a CWTS2 class in charge of environment projects. I am tasked to present a paper which should contain viable alternative mechanisms for maintaining community cleanliness. Honestly, I prefer giving them a book instead of a collaborative paper. I just pray we get the message across and that's for them to realize that all the shouting in the streets won't make your day if you go home to a depressing sight back home. Inside manifests outside I would like to add.

For now, hehe, my Atenean gal pal of sorts whom I find really a good laugh specially now, and I have to go online and talk about our academic lives. Boy is she a catch. However, I myself have made it crystal clear to her that we have gone too far to go further. Meaning, we are best off as friends as we always have been. Sis, my thoughts go out to you. Easy on the melon shake. I'm dying for one too.

Some of us are better of as friends. Others, as others haha. Granted that these be the constraints the rules of governing social dynamics impinge on us; I say we live accordingly and wait for the appropriate time for virtually everything.

Fishes are swimming in the sea. Fisherfolk decide to be one with them or be their worst nightmare. I have made mine. Have you made yours?

Too much credit

Some people in the university occasionally make the mistake of association. For example, I've encountered such lapses in the scholarship associating me for admiring much in the United States' rise to power as to being (1) a Zionist, (2) a neorightist and (3) someone who kisses Bush's right hand.

Admiring an entity for its history and its rise to power does not make one admire how it conducts its business in the present nor its character in all aspects. Surely, when I make statements I am biased by my vision of America and its roots in Tocqueville's works, more in Paul Bunyan's Pilgrim Progress. Just a tragedy that even Americans themselves fail in the discovery of their glorious past (having considered the payback). However, much of the United States' history can be painted in black after their romantic independence and when they began expansionary actions into the West. Let's admit it, their occupation tactics were not always well-conceived nor well-received. Then there is the Civil War and the inhumane discrimination of the minorities which until today puzzles me. The World Wars were more or less some way for them to spin the wheels of mass production and gain in the end being the outright "victor". Then there's the Cold War and the present-day campaigns.

In these events in history, I find the flaws of America and the materialist American dream. And yet, can I entirely blame their leadership? Argument being, no one is exempt from the spoils of power. How can these haters of capitalism and the concept of the West based merely on historical account call themselves scholarly? They have passed judgment and have rendered the world irreparable. If you hate someone solely on what he has done to you in the past or how he looks in the present, then you are either not thinking your position over or you are simply being biased.

I am no pro-West, pro-capitalist reign, man. What I am is someone attempting to bring about revolutionary change. This is not something that is dreamt of and won't last in the end. This is real change and real revolution. And to have even the ability to whisper of this ideal of the world, you have to consider as many goods to as many bads in anything.

You therefore can not make claims that the US should be brought down simply because this administration is very much a follower of US dictates out of practical reasons. Hey they're just being Macchiavellian. Don't give them all the credit.

The fatal flaw of some of people who shout in the streets (I am not generalizing) is their uncanny sense of wanting things to be seen their way, done their way, led by them and for them. Uhm, hmmm, the people have spoken. Where were you in EDSA 1 and 2? And oh yeah, why is it that the people have reservations when the opposition align themselves with your people's army and your personalities? So you now call the middle class dumb? And why do you now include the middle classes in your rhetoric? Are they one with your cause? Oh come on, ELITE RULE??? BACKWARD SOCIETY??? FEUDAL ORDER??? Geesh. Glad I acknowledge pluralism as a way to be.

Glad to acknowledge multi-perspective activism. As I said in an earlier blog, don't blame someone who has a prick in his eye when you have a logjam in yours.

I long for the activism of the past, when it was real and the methods employed then were relevant to the times. Now, activism could not connect. The youth are preoccupied with something else, and it shows. Oh shoot blame capitalism and the fast way of life. Haha, it's never about you, it's always about capitalism, the West, the indifferent people.

The challenge of relevance stares us in the eyes and we choose to go for convenience. People of that sort get left out. Then they want to pass the cross to those who want to make a living.

Our beloved Council brought to discussion China being a hegemon in the near future. Scholars say no. Some members of the Council say no. However, I put to question a la Ms. Joya : What if? Realism isn't dead folks. Once you accumulate nukes, you impose your will on the South China Sea, you veto because old ally up in NoKor thinks otherwise, once you rule the economy...who's to stop you?

They can preach about the US bullying them and all, but hey, they're time hasn't come yet. What if, what if.

The United States waited for a world war. There's no telling when someone like China will position themselves vis-a-vis a "declining US hegemony" (which I also challenge).

Am no Sino-hater and US-lover. I admire traits in their cultures that I think our Philippines needs to choke up.

Am often asked about my stand on the Charter Change. To me, matters of perception and construction are important. Furthermore, motives always have a place in my analysis. Benefit of the doubt given, ceteris paribus, I still don't think Parliamentary government will click here. Federalism to a certain extent may. My point is simple, the preconditions for any shift do not point to the desired variable---stability and progress. Our institutions are weak, our parties are big jokes, our leaders are on some other politician's paylist (at least not all). And as for the Philippine society? Simple point as well. We are fragmented. We are region and ethno-centric. We have no long-term vision, no platform, no collective ideal. Out of this frustration, I chose to study politics and scheme for that future.

In the course of my short shallow pow-wow here, I have laid my cards on the table for what I think is a viable world order. Oh yeah, I advocate a world order. I think regions are not enough. I think the buck doesn't stop there. And I'd gladly tell someone who thinks normative study is a load of crap to screw himself to the library hall doors. Screw people who think of the present only in exchange of the recognition of their past and the hopes of their future. Rhetorics? Damn, that's what these geniuses keep on telling people who want change. Lunatics instead of prophets. Madmen instead of pioneers. Well, history will decide.

My world order vaguely put is strong, driven by force and the rule of law. It is both bottom-up as it is top-bottom. It needs no killing of those who have more. It is progressive. It is pluralist. Yet it is strong and decisive. It is grounded on human lust for power and satisfaction. Yet it is also grounded for human lust for achievement and the good life. Equality is not only in the ends, but also at the beginning of the game friends. How can you attain such conditions when you have corrupt rulers? Power should be a catalyst. In the hands of benevolent leadership, it can be. Vague right? Yes. Impossible? Hell no.

So don't brand me a Zionist for being Christian and someone trying hard to live a life based on its hardest of hard demands. Don't brand me a neorightist for I only am advocating for a stable and progressive order. Don't brand me an American-lover for I only love my study of the better things to this world. If the United States be part of my list of icons, then shoot me for being me. Defend your side of the coin. If I question the motives of any new power in the world vis-a-vis America, I do it with bias I openly admit. But I do it with reasoning not emotion easily stirred. Because when the Philippines conquers the world and gets to the top, other people will wonder the same.

No one is perfect but the true benevolent right and charismatic left---God Himself.

Over my Head

Everyone knows that I'm over my head, over my head...as the song goes.

I simply hope what I say and do do not in the end nullify the very best of my efforts.

And I would certainly hope some people in Batang-Batang land (making this up, it there such a place?) get the point I am driving at. Point being, I hope those who have utmost suspicion about my actions from my defendable decisions just get a hang of themselves.

Whilst I have a prick in my eye, they have a logjam in theirs---that I address to 3 really irritating people to my life. (not necessarily campus life) Can't believe you're still the same bunch from the blog entry I had some timg ago.

Beware the intrepid silence that is used by the battered weak and contemplative for it is the strongest of weapons in any one's arsenal. How many times have I preached about this?

For some time now, I have been haunted by personalities of both good and bad sorts to my subjective bias. I have decided to quell the inner battles of both in my heart and have been rather successful in doing so. Hence, the farther that I fly, the farther the thought falls, and the better landing I get. This is all figurative. It is the best encryption I have for now.

My stern warning to those who discount the power of silent voices that carry a sense of purpose, vision, and means of getting there: beware the rising of the right wing. I have nothing else more to say.

Friends in the Council and around it ask me how should my idea of the right wing become what I think it can be? I give a smile and invite them to a discourse. I get input from them and they agree with me on some points. What I have to say for this blog and the discussion on the better of my grand scheming, the right wing will be a brand that is in touch with individualism---that of human nature and yet will be the masterpiece of power and benevolent leadership put together.

Life has been busy as always. Get a call from you boss, have to make a mad dash to the meeting place to find yourself making a grand entrance. You exit after you pace yourself by warming a seat and taking a good look at the speaker as if paying attention but really pondering on why in the world you do such things. You think that at the end of the day you make your organization work better and its cause carried through. Perhaps. Tell that to a drunk man. He'll tell you perhaps.

But I am not drunk by the soothing alcohol that burns my worn out cords. I am drunk with a lasting and potent longing of some things beyond my incestuous scheming about the future of this world and the end of all madness.

Ground zero. 9/11? I bring a new definition to the idea.

In the university, nothing much changes. The landscape is brimmed fire of power play and disappointing immaturity brought about by insolence of the so-called monopolizers of the discourse. The land is toughened by poker faces with razor sharp corners that cut your cheek when they kiss you in front and stab you at the back. My joy comes from the knowledge that such fools have not a clue on what they are thinking of and that to my mind, their time is coming near. Thank the heavens friends from past and traitors in the present as of last count number to three. Two of which I accuse with a blind eye. But can I help it that they're being obvious?

So I get a cab and get a rather cool ride home. To my expectations, two-thirds of the taxi drivers I converse turn out to be actual and good conversation pieces. But I guess no one makes a better man to have a chat with than Mr. Cruz. Though much emotion has carried him over the past weeks, I am most thankful that he still is very much aware of things happening around him and people that need his cheer.

So I end up encoding some documents: proposals for CWTS, some for UN, some for my volunteer org, hopping from CNN.com to UNICEF VOY fora, to my email, and yes the beloved Friendster. The music playing at the background? Itchyworms with Beer. Am in it for the beat, the melody...the blending...not really what it's talking about.

I have come to realize that I have to move on from the pains given by the past. However, I have to tell myself that I am not moving on but instead putting a stopper and waiting for some indefinite deadline more than anything. Why so? I tell people I am doing fine. But at the back of my head there is a warring of the clans namely, "Paolo someone can do a better job taking care of her than you and you know it darn well." and the other being "Paolo who knows if you wait on her to be ready, given you have so much of this strong feeling for her."

I am not so sure anymore. I should be shot instead.

For the record, have I given up entirely? I have no comment my dear readers. One thing is clear, that whether or not people from Batang-Batang land my fantasy island for my resonant past agree to what I have in me then I must rethink my stand and forget the chase. However, I have none of that response.

What restraint and repression I do to myself I do out of respect for certain people. Anything more than that I make clear in private SMS messages.

So a pop-up interferes with my staring out the window. So I sigh and straighten my back.

Where was I? The grand rising of the benevolent right? Yeah. I was cut off by such evil thoughts.

I am the deep dark man to some people. My outer confusion to them is confusion indeed. HOWEVER, need I mention the silent contemplative is master over encryptive devices? So manifestation in the external being something that is produced from an inner drive does not entirely apply to such crop of beings.

So if by theory of projection and perception, I have made many believe that I am an eccentric weird and confused member of the Council who is unsure where he stands. I humbly smile and offer a prayer.

I simply hope your confusion in the entry does not nullify your trust in artistry.

I have been honest and yet cautious for most part of my dealings. To times I need to conceal, as with most of us in telling white lies I find my flaw. Lying is wrong however way you look at it. Then, it is an art.