Loaded pistol, no aim
I was sweating the entire morning. Or shall I say that the cold morning breeze was just not enough for the pressure I needed to handle 186. Louie was the first among three to get called, thrown in a series of questions and hope to satisfy a long-time attorney's cravings for an answer. Louie, much as he denies it, was simply brilliant in handling the barrage of questions could make the faint of heart lose themselves in a counter barrage of mind blocks and stuttering mouths. After much said and done, we managed first day of pseudo-law class.
Much was encouraging, much was discouraging. We only had Sir Jamon's word to make sense out of the complexities of Salonga and Coquia.
The night before that, while I was toiling away with these cases for study, Grai was sending me SMS messages on business matters. It was a good thing that someone as deep as Grai could keep one company for the long night ahead.
In my conversations with her among many, including a friend (from some evil blogs ago) that must not be named (a-la Voldemort who was kind of disappointing---one of very few things I didn't like bout the GOblet of Fire---which was indeed bloody brilliant), I was able to surmise a metaphor or figurative expression of sorts.
TO add, I was really humbled by sir Naval in 178 with his comments about me like: that i should run for office ,and that I have a hidden poet in me.
But nothing flattered me more when someone behind remarked: "Ang swerte ng mapapangasawa nito." ---hell, I wanted to hear that!
I am in a quest, not to prove something to myself..but something else.
In my quest to complete me or pieces of me, I reason this:
I think it is not wrong to seek one's happiness as long as it is in line with an overall program and it does not corrupt another person's pursuit.
I think it is not a futile search to look for one's world, though out there, and fill it with the right pieces may it be objects or people.
I think every man has himself and his brethren in the fight for something intangible but incomparable to the pleasures of this world.
One is led to say this when he is a loaded pistol but without aim. When you think everything else should go your way regardless of who gets trampled on in the process, you become something else. And when you become that something, you want to have more...be more...attain more...and so the vicious cycle of advancing one's self rolls on impervious to the world around it.
I would be the death of my time...the failure of my promise.
It many respects, I do consider myself most blessed and forutnate. All, but one. If I do not shut up about this matter then I should be shot dead on. I could not help it. I could not see anything that amounts or compares to the problem I have.
I am impatient. That I can tell by simply testing it with a lollipop. I have become so because I think I have slugged out with things I should not have battled in the first place.
When the world turns full circle, would I have the complete life? NOthing would complete me but that someone I do not know of yet. That remains most clear to me. Acads, yes. Work, yes. Church, yes. Loved ones, yes. But that part, no. If I substitute God for her than I shame him for I would not treat my God in the same way I would have that someone.
But I think if I increase my faith in God, I tilt the balance heavenward. Then perhaps I do not have to deal with the gaps of my personality, the shortcomings of my youth and the nonesense that has shamelessly become me.
Do I raise the white flag and end this chase out of mere complications---with self and with others? I say yes and no.
If I cease to exist and die for something else than self, I die for romance and nobility but at the cost of my body and mind. Salvation works this way.
If I continue these exploits of finding someone God has not yet revealed to me (no matter how hard I reason) and do other things in desire of what monstrosity demands, I become complete but destroyed.
I then am a loaded weapon, yet without aim...enduring the world with a smile for the days of plenty and an evil grin that is not for you to see.
Should I consult my soothsayer and shooot him afterwards? I am at the point where good advice has not much use.
I want to try something new, break away from the cycle of reasoning to your professor why I should get a flat uno. I am beyond the point were organizing org activities is about smiling...THE HELL it is about making something work out for the best.
I can be the saint, or the outcast. I can be at the pulpit, or at the grave.
And at the last I ask, what are we?
Breathe in and breathe out the poetry that defies convention.
This I say with certainty ,I fight not because I have to but because I want to affect change. I fight for the reasons I have stated above ,and more entities to be collected in this stead. I fight because I dislike the system that is around us or is within us already. My hope is that though answers are not there, we move on by faith.
To those who understand, thank you. To those confused, I do not blame you. To those who think I am just playing with words, you may be correct.
Or then again let me ask you, what is your aim o loaded pistol without purpose?
By the way, I am wearing a toothy grin as I type this. AM NOT DEPRESSED. It is just my writing style.
See you around by God's blessings!
Much was encouraging, much was discouraging. We only had Sir Jamon's word to make sense out of the complexities of Salonga and Coquia.
The night before that, while I was toiling away with these cases for study, Grai was sending me SMS messages on business matters. It was a good thing that someone as deep as Grai could keep one company for the long night ahead.
In my conversations with her among many, including a friend (from some evil blogs ago) that must not be named (a-la Voldemort who was kind of disappointing---one of very few things I didn't like bout the GOblet of Fire---which was indeed bloody brilliant), I was able to surmise a metaphor or figurative expression of sorts.
TO add, I was really humbled by sir Naval in 178 with his comments about me like: that i should run for office ,and that I have a hidden poet in me.
But nothing flattered me more when someone behind remarked: "Ang swerte ng mapapangasawa nito." ---hell, I wanted to hear that!
I am in a quest, not to prove something to myself..but something else.
In my quest to complete me or pieces of me, I reason this:
I think it is not wrong to seek one's happiness as long as it is in line with an overall program and it does not corrupt another person's pursuit.
I think it is not a futile search to look for one's world, though out there, and fill it with the right pieces may it be objects or people.
I think every man has himself and his brethren in the fight for something intangible but incomparable to the pleasures of this world.
One is led to say this when he is a loaded pistol but without aim. When you think everything else should go your way regardless of who gets trampled on in the process, you become something else. And when you become that something, you want to have more...be more...attain more...and so the vicious cycle of advancing one's self rolls on impervious to the world around it.
I would be the death of my time...the failure of my promise.
It many respects, I do consider myself most blessed and forutnate. All, but one. If I do not shut up about this matter then I should be shot dead on. I could not help it. I could not see anything that amounts or compares to the problem I have.
I am impatient. That I can tell by simply testing it with a lollipop. I have become so because I think I have slugged out with things I should not have battled in the first place.
When the world turns full circle, would I have the complete life? NOthing would complete me but that someone I do not know of yet. That remains most clear to me. Acads, yes. Work, yes. Church, yes. Loved ones, yes. But that part, no. If I substitute God for her than I shame him for I would not treat my God in the same way I would have that someone.
But I think if I increase my faith in God, I tilt the balance heavenward. Then perhaps I do not have to deal with the gaps of my personality, the shortcomings of my youth and the nonesense that has shamelessly become me.
Do I raise the white flag and end this chase out of mere complications---with self and with others? I say yes and no.
If I cease to exist and die for something else than self, I die for romance and nobility but at the cost of my body and mind. Salvation works this way.
If I continue these exploits of finding someone God has not yet revealed to me (no matter how hard I reason) and do other things in desire of what monstrosity demands, I become complete but destroyed.
I then am a loaded weapon, yet without aim...enduring the world with a smile for the days of plenty and an evil grin that is not for you to see.
Should I consult my soothsayer and shooot him afterwards? I am at the point where good advice has not much use.
I want to try something new, break away from the cycle of reasoning to your professor why I should get a flat uno. I am beyond the point were organizing org activities is about smiling...THE HELL it is about making something work out for the best.
I can be the saint, or the outcast. I can be at the pulpit, or at the grave.
And at the last I ask, what are we?
Breathe in and breathe out the poetry that defies convention.
This I say with certainty ,I fight not because I have to but because I want to affect change. I fight for the reasons I have stated above ,and more entities to be collected in this stead. I fight because I dislike the system that is around us or is within us already. My hope is that though answers are not there, we move on by faith.
To those who understand, thank you. To those confused, I do not blame you. To those who think I am just playing with words, you may be correct.
Or then again let me ask you, what is your aim o loaded pistol without purpose?
By the way, I am wearing a toothy grin as I type this. AM NOT DEPRESSED. It is just my writing style.
See you around by God's blessings!
posted by green and black chancellor at 12:29 PM
1 Comments:
what sir naval told you in 178 are all true. you really write beautifully, you should run for office (like what chris lao and me were telling you almost a year ago).
as for love, well, parehas naman tayo ng kalagayan. as I always say to myself, ayaw pa ako bigyan ni God kasi gusto pa niya ako makapag-serve sa kanya in Church ng full-time.
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