Loaded pistol, no aim

I was sweating the entire morning. Or shall I say that the cold morning breeze was just not enough for the pressure I needed to handle 186. Louie was the first among three to get called, thrown in a series of questions and hope to satisfy a long-time attorney's cravings for an answer. Louie, much as he denies it, was simply brilliant in handling the barrage of questions could make the faint of heart lose themselves in a counter barrage of mind blocks and stuttering mouths. After much said and done, we managed first day of pseudo-law class.

Much was encouraging, much was discouraging. We only had Sir Jamon's word to make sense out of the complexities of Salonga and Coquia.

The night before that, while I was toiling away with these cases for study, Grai was sending me SMS messages on business matters. It was a good thing that someone as deep as Grai could keep one company for the long night ahead.

In my conversations with her among many, including a friend (from some evil blogs ago) that must not be named (a-la Voldemort who was kind of disappointing---one of very few things I didn't like bout the GOblet of Fire---which was indeed bloody brilliant), I was able to surmise a metaphor or figurative expression of sorts.

TO add, I was really humbled by sir Naval in 178 with his comments about me like: that i should run for office ,and that I have a hidden poet in me.

But nothing flattered me more when someone behind remarked: "Ang swerte ng mapapangasawa nito." ---hell, I wanted to hear that!

I am in a quest, not to prove something to myself..but something else.

In my quest to complete me or pieces of me, I reason this:

I think it is not wrong to seek one's happiness as long as it is in line with an overall program and it does not corrupt another person's pursuit.

I think it is not a futile search to look for one's world, though out there, and fill it with the right pieces may it be objects or people.

I think every man has himself and his brethren in the fight for something intangible but incomparable to the pleasures of this world.

One is led to say this when he is a loaded pistol but without aim. When you think everything else should go your way regardless of who gets trampled on in the process, you become something else. And when you become that something, you want to have more...be more...attain more...and so the vicious cycle of advancing one's self rolls on impervious to the world around it.

I would be the death of my time...the failure of my promise.

It many respects, I do consider myself most blessed and forutnate. All, but one. If I do not shut up about this matter then I should be shot dead on. I could not help it. I could not see anything that amounts or compares to the problem I have.

I am impatient. That I can tell by simply testing it with a lollipop. I have become so because I think I have slugged out with things I should not have battled in the first place.

When the world turns full circle, would I have the complete life? NOthing would complete me but that someone I do not know of yet. That remains most clear to me. Acads, yes. Work, yes. Church, yes. Loved ones, yes. But that part, no. If I substitute God for her than I shame him for I would not treat my God in the same way I would have that someone.

But I think if I increase my faith in God, I tilt the balance heavenward. Then perhaps I do not have to deal with the gaps of my personality, the shortcomings of my youth and the nonesense that has shamelessly become me.

Do I raise the white flag and end this chase out of mere complications---with self and with others? I say yes and no.

If I cease to exist and die for something else than self, I die for romance and nobility but at the cost of my body and mind. Salvation works this way.

If I continue these exploits of finding someone God has not yet revealed to me (no matter how hard I reason) and do other things in desire of what monstrosity demands, I become complete but destroyed.

I then am a loaded weapon, yet without aim...enduring the world with a smile for the days of plenty and an evil grin that is not for you to see.

Should I consult my soothsayer and shooot him afterwards? I am at the point where good advice has not much use.

I want to try something new, break away from the cycle of reasoning to your professor why I should get a flat uno. I am beyond the point were organizing org activities is about smiling...THE HELL it is about making something work out for the best.

I can be the saint, or the outcast. I can be at the pulpit, or at the grave.

And at the last I ask, what are we?

Breathe in and breathe out the poetry that defies convention.

This I say with certainty ,I fight not because I have to but because I want to affect change. I fight for the reasons I have stated above ,and more entities to be collected in this stead. I fight because I dislike the system that is around us or is within us already. My hope is that though answers are not there, we move on by faith.

To those who understand, thank you. To those confused, I do not blame you. To those who think I am just playing with words, you may be correct.

Or then again let me ask you, what is your aim o loaded pistol without purpose?

By the way, I am wearing a toothy grin as I type this. AM NOT DEPRESSED. It is just my writing style.

See you around by God's blessings!

Customarily Invalidated

To those who asked, I am not a US for a technicality. I have to complete PE, yes just one fine bowling game to complete PE 3. You can't be US or CS with a standing INC. And I go...hell...damn it. My one and only fine US GWA and I even don't get to be seen on paper. Oh well. I'd gladly do it this sem. NOOOOTT! Hehe!

What could I do? What should have I said instead of what I did? These questions were left hanging in my mind as I was on a jeepney ride home. The afternoon breeze was unfairly taking away the splendor of the orange sun setting in the western horizon that steals whatever magnificence the oblation statue has. A batchmate was sharing pieces of her, as if pouring not her life out...just a segment of recent events that were either draining or unprofitable for her. As a great deal of my blogs go, it was about love again. Women, at times they speak their mind or in this case, pour out their heart for someone to listen. Men should not respond instantly; instead, just hear them out and keep shut. I could not do that. I want to give solutions or remedies to even problems I know nothing of. So I went on mumbling things I could hardly recall. Was it good advice? I do not know. Was it good that I said something? I think that help comes in many ways and in many forms---it may hurt or it may make one feel good...but that is still help. Salvation comes to the worst of us. To those who could not find it, damnation.

The truth hurts. Truth is one thing that makes love special. It separates it from other nuances we experience once or twice. The world will spin, people will grow old. But love, it does not. It is patient as it is kind. We've heard this sentimental sentence before. Yet to say this as a piece of advice, I think is like giving a quotable quote to make yourself not her feel better.

What was I to do? Should have I had been someone else given her what dashing men who seem to know it all give? I was so hung up, I did not want to think.

The first half week of classes turned out to be a bore actually. Aside from 186 and 178, I saw things as they were. Mam Berja was what they said she was. And I expect her to be what many say she becomes. Sir Naval was pleasantly himself. Two words from great men to start the sem and a pop quiz on what we know about our South East Asian neighbors. I have no regrets that I am taking this class with him, not someone else. He just has something that enlightens me, or that replenishes my spiritual psyche. Gets? It's like, he gives you a look and you have no choice but be aware of his powerball (kahapon, made out of crumpled paper kasi natapon daw yung newball nya sa labas ng classroom ehehe). But after a lesson in life or two, it'd be fine. I was looking at Ann Karolyn and Jessa at points in the class. They were so anxious to get enlisted that I thought they had watery eyes. Long story made short, they got the slots. ALL who pre-roged got slots.

By the way Farrah, I am not the proud man here. Hehe, who's taking Morada? I feel sad that I am not one of your classmates this semester. I guess I have the feeling for other friends, like Jason last semester. But now, the king of 185 is my bro again. Going back to FG Naparan, I surely will miss this lady's sheer disregard of convention. I don't know how and why. One thing I shall miss most is her coincidental misencounters with me. Pattern everytime we meet twice or more in a day is this. First time, she usually offers a smile that shames the blue sky. Second time, she gives me a worried or an angry look that instills fear even among the best of us. Hope you find your man, go girl! (kahit pinapalayas mo pa ako sa 178 classroom ng pabiro!)

Hello Mau, si Vhon pala kasama mo!!! Hello Grai, grai grai grai grai!

Marian, YAn-YAN!

186 was a shocker. It still is. I was expecting a law school lecture education thing. Nohoho! Sir butch welcomes us with the intimidating chill of law school. We were to read tons of cases, and answer for it as if interrogated by a judge himself every Saturday. Recitation is 80% of the grade. Questions are in a Socratic format...meaning we draw the answers by asking a series of inquiries. This is indeed the pre-law training. Plus, we get to write our own digest were I get to say: "the facts of the case are:....." and " the issue to be resolved is whether or not paolo should be convicted for felony or not...". To me, someone not keen on getting a slot there in Malcolm, this will be more of a challenge. Louie and I laughed as I said: "mag-group case study tayo!" I told him not to get intimidated, Sir Jamon is Sir Jamon after all. He's been there and done that. I've looked up the references, they're thick and darn expensive.

As for econ, well, what do you expect...Mareng Winnie!

Just came from the ECON AuDi to attend the GASC convention (Gen ass of Student Councils [system-wide]). I was gravely disappointed. After sitting for four hours, all they could accomplish was a debate on the order of business. Nothing to do with the SR selection, nothing on the house rules. And yes, non-stop use of the word "germane". Just technical debates were you see moments of brilliance, but taken back by motives oh so below the dusk. I left. Most of my compadres did. I left the Audi with a background of applause and "here" chants in favor of the proposal of Cris Lao. That part, I like.

I could be on a high right now. I could be on a low. The events that led to today are simply amazing.

In case I become too dazed, lost in my own foolish pride...here is my answer. Invalidate yourself and say: "Perhaps I am just wrong."

Do it. don't wait for God to strike you down...or smite you.

In my moment of happiness, I am still customarily invalidated.

So it begins (modified)

How does one prepare for the battle ahead? Does one go about doing nothing out of the usual routine? Or does one go about thinking about it and responding with a well-thought plan. Either way, we're all going to face one promising semester come Wednesday, Thursday to some. It begins Monday. Monday should feel a bit uneasy about itself. Most people would love to curse it. It is but a day.

But its other meanings have power. So much for rainy days and Mondays getting you down---as the Carpenters's song goes. I'd rather see politics that way. I'd rather study political science in this manner---more of appreciating the dynamics that go behind the formality. Which again might support my claim: I am not cut out for law school. Not that I can't handle it (ahem). But as I was staring at the lantern outside, I saw something that made me think again. It's some sort of epiphany. I can't say. It's still a thought. Spent most of after lunch siesta time putting up the big old lantern. It never fails to surprise. The stained glass impact still remains much as it did some years past. Another thing I was busy with was re-organizing my entire room. Or shall I say, my room. Entire makes it sound big. I have a so-so room. It's plain. It can be boring. So I really do not encourage guests to go enter...even if it were for the sake of using the comfort room when all the rest are occupied. I just don't want to share it with the world I suppose. So I piled up boxes of white paper (sorry FOPC people) of readings from first year and more, try to catalogue (yes, mark them) and wipe a bit of dust off them.

The plague that was in my earlier blog remains here. Skin asthma. I just don't get these doctors. Well, for certain, I had a ringword AND skin asthma. The latter, I most definitely have now. Treatment? Take things easily. Breathe in and exhale. Chew your food very well. Both of these I don't do. Like yesterday, I had cash to buy a decent sports watch. I don't really have a concept of window shopping. To me it's canvass and go home to save money and then go back with the clear head fixed on that item. When I go shopping, I go in a jippy. Meaning, I brisk walk, take a look at three things (1) appearance, (2)price, (3)features then decide to take it or move on. All this I squeeze in 5 mins max. I'm always on the go. I hardly munch my food. I swallow, then go. Voila, I'm sick even before the beating comes.

The problem with a skin disease is that it makes you feel so insecure. Mental illness, sure you're not conscious. A cold or cough, sure you can cover up. But this type, it marks your entire body. Sure enough, getting a studio pic is one of the last things you would like to do in a mall.

Arrgghhh, psychology!

What else? Obviously, this entry is not as deep as the others. Hopefully, it's not as grammatically incorrect as the others now that I am wide awake. I type as I think it up. Know what? I wish people could talk sweeter and more proper as they did in the old days. I suppose watching too much epic movies were knights and kings seemed so perfectly noble gets to your head. Hey, I'm a professed idealist. I live and die by an idea. Which will be tested come election time---some months from now. To my certainty, our batch (PolSc 07) is unique in a sense that thought it did not go the "block" way, it shows camarederie that lasts. Good thing for any candidate for department rep. As for me, the sidelines await. I put politics into action. I just hope I don't, we don't, take it too much that winning becomes a justifier for the means. Sorry, this proposition of Macchiavelli (ignore the spelling) (yes, given the context he was in) does not impress me. But who am I to comment?

A lot of my readers will be kings or king-makers come February. In a university where only 37% go voting, the challenge is for us to make people breathe politics and its essence. If they all give up, as in the national arena, no winner emerging should be completely satisified. I mean, 37% turnout and mandate from the people...they don't mix. Looking back at my epiphany of sorts, who am I to challenge such experienced people, sharper, and more dedicated at that?

I sent SMS messages to some UP people, among many to simply say that yes I've given them good and bad...comes to show that I am not perfect. The only reassurance I could give was that I am their friend...and that should do it. The flickering of the lantern brings flashbacks. I've done so many things in my life. In the recent months, I should be hanged on account of my actions and motives. But at least I acted on it. This defense I have, is selfish indeed. In my attempt to be so kind to people around me, I have become a selfish monster within. No. This is not some novel-writing romantic crap I just type to put sense to this entry. It's just that...

I think, I'll have to keep this lowly part to myself for now. ANother thing, I feel responsible to explain recent events in school that may have led to you hearing rumors about me in relation to good friends. I say again, take me at face value. I seldomly attack people using words or this medium. Again, I keep it rather than blabber bitterness. But, I say this, I have no issues against good friends of mine (UP). Take my entries at face value and please, don't add meanings to it. If I have such issues, I'd rather confront the person(s). Call me coward or stupid or vulnerable for bringing this thing up. Hehey, anyway, I think I'm such in a low state right now, the only way to go is up. Bottom line, if you don't know the details I beg you don't add some more. Like it or not, I at times can appear to be the antagonist here...deliberately or not. Thank you.

And if you think you know me after reading all my blogs. Think again.

hehe, sounds threatening? Sorry but I really had to do this in honor of a few people I had a chat with last week. They know who they are.

Nyeheheey, after scrolling up I've realized...I'm back to long-novel-writing, issue-spanking, senseless-blabbering me again!!!! I think this is the way to prepare for the battle ahead! Give yourself a treat with family. Then treat them. Then buy yourself something for Pete's sake. Then write about it. Then...then...I think my encounters in church tomorrow should do the job.

Last thing, you guys know how much it is to have your eyeglasses converted to shades? I mean adding tint? Can't believe I'm using a 350 grade one when my eyes are 600-700 +/- 100 astigmatism!!! OHHH NOOOOO!!!

And yes my dedication booth is back online.

Marian, I don't know what to think of you telling sir to expect me next semester. However, I applaud you for anyhow. I still owe you lunch!

And yes, I was with this lady for more than an hour of pure non-stop talk while she was paying for next sem. Thanks to the electric fan too.

To those who took econ finals, do buzz me up!

Celine, it is unfair. We've been given unfair circumstances. We survived them all!

Farrah, ______. stop. _________________________.stop. Thanks for the quote, I am quite certain it is your doing!

James, let's do this!

James A., bowl on!

My JPGS readers, do tag me oks?

Sputnik, sure you don't want to be identified?

Rania and Mara, hope to catch you both bouncing around YM. Good luck with your org Rani!

Dominic, keep me posted alright? Enjoy your viewing!

Louie, thanks for the "quick" response hahahahah!

Jason, you owe me a newsflash! What is up with you? See you around buds!

Blockmates from Batangas and JAJA, you're too sweet!

Grace, easy with the slots this Monday! By the way, your form don't forget!

George Bush, I just hope your SC appointee gets confirmed. You're serious?!

Mam Raches, Wednesday be the day!

Clark, still can't believe you were on that pic!

PAts, thanks for the smiley!

Buklod CSSP, damn it! Let's meet and greet and ...am out of rhyme...good luck to us!

The world, love and prayers go with you all. May God keep you spinning.

UP, oh yes I MISSED YOU. Kisses, mwah (yuck). See you all this Monday (well, as I know now, make that Tuesday)

Last night by the way, I saw a funny red blinking thing in the night sky. It moved from one direction to another (so it was not a plane or some falling star). I don't know what it is, maybe some cover-up artist would say that it was just a satellite orb for some government security purpose. I'd rather see it as something beautiful and telling. For one, that answers can come sooner than you think. And two, answers just lie around, it is for you to find.

So it begins....