Absolutely Zero: Face the Music or Let it Fade
This is what Sunday used to be for me...a quiet, calm, relaxed Sunday with the tranquility matched only in an isolated island off the Palawan coast.
I could only think of few songs to characterize how I feel---Sleep All Day by Jason Mraz. It's not much on the lyrics of the song, but the peaceful rhythm that is unique to the song, and Jason Mraz. Absolutely Zero is another great track from the same artist...it talks about a man's depression or his attempt to justify why he has these issues. Another song that hits my head is from another musician of about the same style--- Grammy Award-winning Daughters by John Mayer. And lastly, the first original composition to be released by Michael Buble--the smooth song called "Home". Oh, they take me to our beach house in Zambales, there is some peace to be found there, when the sky blue atmoshpere breaks once in a while for clouds that in turn, breaks the sunlight that can be said as not too hot, neither absent---just right.
You may have noticed that I have much time to think about this. I do have much time, that's what procrastinating your studies due to a holiday break does to you. I don't have much reason aside from that. All but one: I AM WASTED. I'm now moaning like a napping lion, and my throat aches giving me a voice that can be compared to a Nissan SX 200.
This is the type of Sunday I had before...
1.) Before I got to UP, when everyday seemed to be another class day.
2.) Before I expanded my network of friends who seem to find every gig and event on any given day...meaning, I can't decline their offers.
3.) Before I got so active in church, which is a great thing.
4.) Before I started wondering if I ever would find love.
I guess after a lot of mixed emotions ruled my heart the past weeks (those of extreme joy and then anger), I do deserve some excuse to seek my old Sundays. Yes, I need a break.
Here's another guess what for you dear reader: Guess what? I'm such a selfish person.
No, you didn't get cataract and no this is not double vision. I claim to be a selfish person.
In what ways? Well for one, I make people think too much of me as if I were some important person they should look out for. That's the best example.
My selfishness transcends the material realm and into the facets of my mind...my soul. The trouble with me is that I use foolishness as excuse for me being selfish---always bugging people around for a conversation or for some advise. No, I need not be reminded on the benefits of having friends, but sometimes it's just too much.
I ask too much of them. I ask little of me.
I have a feeling this little masquerade is the primary reason why I couldn't get people and they don't understand me. I'm being transparent and sensitive (just read how much I've given up in this blog), but my restraints and my desires all mix up reducing my effectivity in connecting to other people...who hello, are of my age.
I have to unmask myself and get out of my comfort zones. I have to. I must.
You were right Mau, how could I get the ideal woman if I don't aim high and become higher? You were right Grai, I tease you around but come to think of it, I deserve the same ridicule. You were right Farrah, I'm trying to be someone I am not, and trying too hard at that.
You were right Mara, you shouldn't feel for me if I couldn't for myself in the first place.
You were right Marian, some people really don't deserve what is best for them.
You were right Jason, why don't I take chances?
You were right Christian, how am I doing?
You were right Kuya Rene, I think too much, make things complicated. It's just a forest.
I should be a fun person, though my corniness might get contagious. I should be an active person. I should be poetic. I could be me.
It's me and this Sunday. I was so used to my comforts that when I broke out and assumed roles in society, I failed to adjust and meet my values. I'm still in my old Sundays, going back and forth to my old ways and my apparently outdated ways. I have to be progressive.
Old habits die hardest. Some could be useful though. Upon realizing this I cite the two things I dare not lose from my past, bear it or not.
1.) I am a conservative person, someone politically tending to be center-right. Christianity is my doctrine and my superstructure for living. It is where I get my values that lead to my perspective, that help me make or break my dreams. Idealism is the name of my game. I do not like people who tend to see things for ONLY what they are. To me, being creative and optimistic work hand-in-hand, practicality comes second. I am willing to wait or suffer should God not give me the woman of my dreams because of this criterium. I am willing to take criticism for believing so, it is the cross we people have for ourselves.
2.) I am an old school person. I believe in the wonders of serenading women, of long courtships, of sweet Shakesperean conversations, in the ideal relationship. Which on the contrary means I do not do flirting, guessing games, blind dates, syota-syndrome, and trial and error. I guess that relationships have some sacredness still and is not an avenue to satisfy inner drives alone.
What I am willing to change maybe the following.
1.) The way I behave. Some people approach me and address me with po and opo. Sometime back, a lot of studes almost pre-rogged in my class because they thought, I was their mentor to be. Goodness, blockmates even tell me that I am the one they thought was a professor. No, not the fat nerd. God, not even the hot bloated Harry Potter. They consider me a professor impersonator. Flattering. Sometimes it gets to you.
2.) The way I dress. I should try wearing t-shirts for a change. Shorts sound nice on carefree days.
3.) The way I talk. I'm an awful English speaker. One anonymous person gladly humiliated me in our own e-group by commenting on my English. I'll take that as a suggestion to read even more newspapers and practice more speeches in front of bathroom mirrors naked.
4.) The way I see love. Sanctity + a hip way at looking at it...keeping the old school ways dust-free and in tune. If it means waiting, or being single, I have a life to live...so be it. I am unattractive and darn serious at times...a compatible one would come hardest. But ironically, I pray that the one who does fall for me does not expect me to come her way...what I mean is one who rejects the idea of love, and one who claims she's used to the flow.
I thank God for quiet Sundays. I pray for times I feel absolutely zero. No text messages, a lot of veggies for lunch, no new games, no cable...haha the perfect combination.
Tomorrow, another busy day reviewing for Spanish, attending meetings, serving family. I've gotten used to this and I'm happy to be here and having accomplished all I've accomplished, if any.
Next Sunday will be busy I guess...after checking my planner...yes it'd be busy. But I shall forever be waiting for peaceful Sundays when only ballads of love, youth, and God fill your head. Sundays when you are taken to the beach, with only sounds of cars passing by and your sister grooving to Simple Plan reminding you of reality...and at least you're not impaired of hearing.
I could only think of few songs to characterize how I feel---Sleep All Day by Jason Mraz. It's not much on the lyrics of the song, but the peaceful rhythm that is unique to the song, and Jason Mraz. Absolutely Zero is another great track from the same artist...it talks about a man's depression or his attempt to justify why he has these issues. Another song that hits my head is from another musician of about the same style--- Grammy Award-winning Daughters by John Mayer. And lastly, the first original composition to be released by Michael Buble--the smooth song called "Home". Oh, they take me to our beach house in Zambales, there is some peace to be found there, when the sky blue atmoshpere breaks once in a while for clouds that in turn, breaks the sunlight that can be said as not too hot, neither absent---just right.
You may have noticed that I have much time to think about this. I do have much time, that's what procrastinating your studies due to a holiday break does to you. I don't have much reason aside from that. All but one: I AM WASTED. I'm now moaning like a napping lion, and my throat aches giving me a voice that can be compared to a Nissan SX 200.
This is the type of Sunday I had before...
1.) Before I got to UP, when everyday seemed to be another class day.
2.) Before I expanded my network of friends who seem to find every gig and event on any given day...meaning, I can't decline their offers.
3.) Before I got so active in church, which is a great thing.
4.) Before I started wondering if I ever would find love.
I guess after a lot of mixed emotions ruled my heart the past weeks (those of extreme joy and then anger), I do deserve some excuse to seek my old Sundays. Yes, I need a break.
Here's another guess what for you dear reader: Guess what? I'm such a selfish person.
No, you didn't get cataract and no this is not double vision. I claim to be a selfish person.
In what ways? Well for one, I make people think too much of me as if I were some important person they should look out for. That's the best example.
My selfishness transcends the material realm and into the facets of my mind...my soul. The trouble with me is that I use foolishness as excuse for me being selfish---always bugging people around for a conversation or for some advise. No, I need not be reminded on the benefits of having friends, but sometimes it's just too much.
I ask too much of them. I ask little of me.
I have a feeling this little masquerade is the primary reason why I couldn't get people and they don't understand me. I'm being transparent and sensitive (just read how much I've given up in this blog), but my restraints and my desires all mix up reducing my effectivity in connecting to other people...who hello, are of my age.
I have to unmask myself and get out of my comfort zones. I have to. I must.
You were right Mau, how could I get the ideal woman if I don't aim high and become higher? You were right Grai, I tease you around but come to think of it, I deserve the same ridicule. You were right Farrah, I'm trying to be someone I am not, and trying too hard at that.
You were right Mara, you shouldn't feel for me if I couldn't for myself in the first place.
You were right Marian, some people really don't deserve what is best for them.
You were right Jason, why don't I take chances?
You were right Christian, how am I doing?
You were right Kuya Rene, I think too much, make things complicated. It's just a forest.
I should be a fun person, though my corniness might get contagious. I should be an active person. I should be poetic. I could be me.
It's me and this Sunday. I was so used to my comforts that when I broke out and assumed roles in society, I failed to adjust and meet my values. I'm still in my old Sundays, going back and forth to my old ways and my apparently outdated ways. I have to be progressive.
Old habits die hardest. Some could be useful though. Upon realizing this I cite the two things I dare not lose from my past, bear it or not.
1.) I am a conservative person, someone politically tending to be center-right. Christianity is my doctrine and my superstructure for living. It is where I get my values that lead to my perspective, that help me make or break my dreams. Idealism is the name of my game. I do not like people who tend to see things for ONLY what they are. To me, being creative and optimistic work hand-in-hand, practicality comes second. I am willing to wait or suffer should God not give me the woman of my dreams because of this criterium. I am willing to take criticism for believing so, it is the cross we people have for ourselves.
2.) I am an old school person. I believe in the wonders of serenading women, of long courtships, of sweet Shakesperean conversations, in the ideal relationship. Which on the contrary means I do not do flirting, guessing games, blind dates, syota-syndrome, and trial and error. I guess that relationships have some sacredness still and is not an avenue to satisfy inner drives alone.
What I am willing to change maybe the following.
1.) The way I behave. Some people approach me and address me with po and opo. Sometime back, a lot of studes almost pre-rogged in my class because they thought, I was their mentor to be. Goodness, blockmates even tell me that I am the one they thought was a professor. No, not the fat nerd. God, not even the hot bloated Harry Potter. They consider me a professor impersonator. Flattering. Sometimes it gets to you.
2.) The way I dress. I should try wearing t-shirts for a change. Shorts sound nice on carefree days.
3.) The way I talk. I'm an awful English speaker. One anonymous person gladly humiliated me in our own e-group by commenting on my English. I'll take that as a suggestion to read even more newspapers and practice more speeches in front of bathroom mirrors naked.
4.) The way I see love. Sanctity + a hip way at looking at it...keeping the old school ways dust-free and in tune. If it means waiting, or being single, I have a life to live...so be it. I am unattractive and darn serious at times...a compatible one would come hardest. But ironically, I pray that the one who does fall for me does not expect me to come her way...what I mean is one who rejects the idea of love, and one who claims she's used to the flow.
I thank God for quiet Sundays. I pray for times I feel absolutely zero. No text messages, a lot of veggies for lunch, no new games, no cable...haha the perfect combination.
Tomorrow, another busy day reviewing for Spanish, attending meetings, serving family. I've gotten used to this and I'm happy to be here and having accomplished all I've accomplished, if any.
Next Sunday will be busy I guess...after checking my planner...yes it'd be busy. But I shall forever be waiting for peaceful Sundays when only ballads of love, youth, and God fill your head. Sundays when you are taken to the beach, with only sounds of cars passing by and your sister grooving to Simple Plan reminding you of reality...and at least you're not impaired of hearing.
posted by green and black chancellor at 3:06 PM
1 Comments:
hey Paolo, take it easy... don't be too harsh on yourself.
You're not being selfish...if anything, I enjoy our conversations. You're like the friend I never had during high school.
Being the old-school type is not bad because I am one myself, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Maybe that's one reason why I am NBSB. But I am willing to wait.
Do not worry because there is someone out there who God will give to you when the right time comes.
Take care! God Bless!
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