The other side of trying hard

The other side of trying hard is either trying hard or finally finding your own.

The other side of trying hard is like choosing between having a debate on methods of inquiry or simply having a lunch out with the esteemed and now, motherly, Dr. Clarita Carlos of 199. You want to think and be critical for one afternoon; but having an honest and warm conversation is what you actually need.

The other side of trying hard can be right straight to the point. Say for example, spending the whole day renovating the CSSP Student Council. You know that you'd be drained the whole day moving things around instead of being in step with batchmates advancing the knowledge with their review of related literature. However, come to think of it, this is the path I chose. I have committed the chance of having cumlaude honors to God's grace and have been less concerned with it though in my mind, the prospect is worth having. I am a Councilor, the Secretary-General of the CSSP Student Council. Wrong as it may seem, I will not deny that my mind set has oftentimes regarded this position and this responsibility with more regard and even distinction than simply being cumlaude.

Asked whether he would choose the laude or the chance to be Council member, Sir Clemente of Psychology chose the latter for obvious reasons he decided to consider noble and worthit than a million accalades to self. But of course, we and Sir Ton would rather have both. Being an honor student after all is also indicative of your character and competency. He did get both. As for me, hehe, it is a toss up.

In the ultimate analysis, I believe what makes you sleep well in the late hours of night makes you a better man. I think I have made that choice. So will all of us.

The other side of trying hard can come easily to you in ways you need not find out. Like last Friday, our EU wizards, though failing in a buzzer-beating game, did me and the university proud. Hey, that comes instantly. Can one find being happy for another easier than oneself? Right now, I say yes. Mr. Sadeghi-Tajar accompanied me until I finally got a cab ride home. We were in an urban trap. Friday, rush hour, people with salary, in Origas? Whooo. So we, with Sir Kraft at a time, walked full circle from SM Megamall to Shangri-la to the Podium and back to Shang. Did not matter as the falling action of the day which was the evening Ortigas skyline and very sensible and intelligible statements from Patrick made it a lot easier. That comes instant to anyone...good advice from a friend.

The other side of trying hard can be relief or can be more pressure. It can be forcing yourself to read Karl Deutsch and Ernst Haas for they are after all, your conceptual framework. Or it can be this simple chance to have a light bulb lit up before turning on the switch.

Convulated elaborations... a parody of my oxymorons?

I am the self-cancelling character in your classic novel. I am Othello, then I am Brutus, and then I am Romeo.

The other side of trying hard to be someone you are not is being someone you are. Then again, if this is not available to you, then the other side of trying hard can be trying hard in its other form. I have been that way sometimes. No one is exempt.

I was having a discourse with a "stalker" of mine over the sms. The funny feeling that you're sharing bits and pieces of you in form of your opinion and life story to someone you do not know, and worst of all, plays around with your curiosity until semestral break has seemingly died down out of convenience. We were talking about truth and eventually, lies. It was getting a bit philosophical. I used my debunking argument which I use to end or get an end to a circling debate, which is postmodernism. I was really not in the mood. In this sense, I was trying hard to accomplish two things as sly as I am (1) get his opinion in return and (2) get him or her to open up details which he or she maybe concealing in that slowly becoming infamous character to me called the "bear hunter".

Trying hard indeed.

So I guess Alexander was right, or some Greek before him: "Fortune favors the bold." And though boldness is something I admire in men, fortune-seeking is not.

What is fortune? What is destiny? Is it set or do you let it unravel at the moment of attack?

I have been victim of this so-called destiny, so much so, I deny its existence. Is someone your destiny? Can someone be that one soulmate? In our 199, we have destroyed that notion. I am still entitled to my opinion anyhow. And that is, trying hard to believe in something or someone that is not there for you and will cost you friendship(s) in the end is the delirious other side of trying hard.

The better half is, perhaps, letting go and thinking clearly. Or is it?

I am a hopeless romantic. I am an idealist to a certain extent. I find it hard to accomodate these interpretations as my way to go about my issues.

Bottomline, live your lives the way you should. God be your guide and to my certainty, good things follow.

What is the way one should live his/her life?

I dare not prescribe for there is no one path, no one easier shortcut to take.

Perhaps doing what is right at any given instance is a proper start.
That's impossible you may say. Of course, but did that ever stop you from trying?

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Contrary to what I thought was to be the day, Monday turned out very much like Sundays.

Was it because I chose to lay back and relax as I let the battering of hardcore economics and regional integration do their damage? Was it because I found relief in the sight of Council work getting done and in a great way?

I chose to make it easy like Sunday morning...as the song goes.

I chose to take away just for once my endless thinking of what should happen next and what should I be doing.

Maybe my runny nose the past three weeks, which can only be matched by Mayon's pyroclastic flow forced me to settled down and take the day slow.

Perhaps it was because I have made certain assumptions to put finality to some areas of my life.

For all I care, what mattered to me today was the steady pace I took the hours as they passed. I was wearing a smile now, though teary-eyed as the colds finally got to my head. I was able to crack a joke without strings attached again. And by this I meant that when I said something, I had no second guessing or afterthoughts that rush in when I think I make mistakes or when I think of so much with nothing to do.

Most important of all, I was able to relax and enjoy my freedom again. If just for a day, I'd do it over and over again.

I concluded the day with a committee meeting at 5pm and closed my planner, rather oddly surprised I had nothing else scheduled for the day.

I take a cab home, traffic not meaning anything discomfortable to me, thanks to the driver's remarks about his taxi driving experience once in a while. Hehe, maybe we should conduct a study on the stress levels of drivers who drive LPG-run taxis to those who use ordinary gas. I think there is a marked difference.

Wow, how academic of me. Yes, I opened my eyes to the grey horizon and asked for some annointing once again. I begged for direction and boy was I brought back to the firm ground of home---where I excel, where I can do my best.

I had been put to so much emotional, physical, and mental stress since the campaign began February 2006. I still am under such conditions now. But I think I am able to adapt to given situations far quicker than before. Now, cramming, though part of routine inevitably, has become more of an ally.

Just like clay, I am stretched and remain in the new position as against an elastic rubber band. I have tested the waters and found it to be cool and pleasant.

As for the short-term past, I have nothing else to say. It is a bittersweet memory to my collection of many til I grow old. In fairness to it, I think it's worth smiling back at. For the winners and losers, I give my toast and smile. =)

God tells me to be still and know He is God, that He is in control.
God speaks to me in ways I never imagine how...the wind, the whole day experience.

Bah, tis hard to get sometimes. That's just me for ya.

Spontaneous combustion...my mind is ticking like a well-oiled machine. Is it because I see myself back to normal, rededicating my resources to where I am most needed and not to mention, most productive? Heck, yes!

I'm easy like Sunday morning, listening to Itchyworms music.

Tomorrow, perhaps a better view of the sky and a renewed look for my eyebag-laden eyes. I will make it through this uphill battle.

AND YOU BET I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH IN WHICHEVER WAY YOU SEE IT. =)

God has allowed me to this way. My choices have made me so. I am the hopeless romantic. I am the cold formal authoritarian. I am the moralist. I am the perfectionist. Yet I am stupid. I am naive. I am still inexperienced. I am still weathering my personal storms.

So bring it on, let the cool breeze of tonight warm my senses. For if many are running on reserve energy, this bro is up to the task with more to spare.

The farther that I fly (part 3)

Pa-juliet-juliet, that's what they call it in gay lingo. One anomaly turned mainstream in my language, I'm beginning to appreciate as something I use to make me feel a bit light-headed and hopeful.

Convulations...

I have been a pa-juliet-juliet maniac the past months pre-occupied with some things beyond others I should give my due.

There has to be a point when you should stop, to quit, to pull back, and reprimand yourself everytime you entertain anything pertaining to it.

Because putting a stopper to all your thinking is the best way to guarantee not only your existence, but also your sanity.

And so I have, I believe.

I could have lost a lot should I have pursued for that something couple of months back. A friend who had stakes in this game pulled me back.

With all these remnants of emotions past, it was up to me to get rid of them.

And so I have, I believe.

2 sms messages. Just 2 for all the good times and the would-have beens.

Just 2 messages in high hopes of getting a message across. Just 2. Lord, just make the last 2 sink in so much so I can be clear of my burden...conscience clean.

I just want to make things the way they were. To my memory, I've done my part. It takes two to tango. Couldn't believe such wanting result to such devastation.

Convulations. My flight is pulled back by gravity to the surface, not hell I hope. What does the green fields of being just alone look like? I felt that in the past months, I was desiring my personal limbo. And in a way, God has brought me back from the death of me to something I pray is something lasting anew.

Or was it God's plan all along? I dare not claim. As far as I know, I'm back on some footing I've not known for sometime. To those who have lost in this decision of mine, I think chance has not gone your way. You had your chances...bottomline.

I piece of something for myself. It's like that last bite of pizza you would not share. It's like that last ant in a long line you water-hosed and spared because...heck it was too spectacular to spray them all dead!

From now, it's a toss up.

Besides, I think the farther that I fly, the less time to think I have for such.

I want to crawl out of this semester.

To think that my academics will be something great would be saying a lot. And if ever I do, I'd be somehow convinced I belong to this university.

Was browsing through tuition fee rates for private universities in the US which specialized in Security Studies (IR). Georgetown, Sir Jamon's recommend, would cause me a million and some couple of hundred thousands a year. Fellowships are not that easy to get...

But God their curriculum is something I could dig my teeth into.

I have to weigh a lot, aside from my body in the coming months.

Ah, my world is spinning round. And as the song goes, I wouldn't change a thing.

For now, I shall gratify myself with good-looking ol pictures of me in Friendster. For now, I shall take a cold bath and wipe my face dry as if erasing every mark of my stupidity in the past.

Regrets? A few. But not for myself really. I guess I still have some confidence and angst to spare...


With this, I think I have gone full circle with this particular flight. Thing is, life is a spiral of circular motions. Things happen over and over again, yet they move forward...hehe reminds me of Toyota...passion road hehehe.

Maybe I should stick to driving on the ground.