Dinero Express

Take a ride with pride.

Mapagtimpi akong uri ng nilalang ng Maykapal. Palagi ko sinasabi sa sarili ko, "Daanin mo na lang sa tawa o sa simpleng ngiti." Kadalasan, tumatalab. Minsan nga lang, hindi ko na mapigil ang ngitngit ko. At kapag dumating iyon, magtago ka na. Maghanap ka na ng resbak. Magtaklob ka na sa kumot mo. Bakit? Dahil oras na dumating iyon, nawawala ang anumang banal sa akin. Nawawala ang ulirat ko at nakagagawa ako ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi mo maaasahan. Mandidilim na paningin ko.

So what???!!!

Pero...hindi pa naman nangyayari yun. Hehehe, I think.

I would never deny the fact that I have particular biases I prefer not to talk about. Pushing the wrong buttons in a conversation simply scratches the itch, but does not stop the swarm of insects around it.

I came to think a while back, as I was pressing along, using the Windows (R) calculator to convert dollar prices to Philippine pesos, I'm such a proud man.

Siguro di pansin, pero ewan I always try to be different. Sometimes it is out of real initiative, but sometimes...pride becomes a factor.

I begin to question...is my idealism for life a real theoretical approach or is it something I stand by for the heck of it? Is it really my life, or my projection as this good ol idealist? (Side remark: But by all means, I am not and I guess never will be a fan of Communism...my idealism is Christianity which is in one word a contradiction to the red doctrine and that word is: GOD)

Kamtotinkopit, the greatest fallback I have is God. Kapag ganito na ang usapan at hindi na madaan sa kape o iced tea, I read the Bible and pray. For some reason I am humbled to a prick. For some reason, my doubt in myself melts like ice misplaced in a heated frying pan. There is assurance in God. There is a push and a pull that brings you back to His grace. At dahil doon, I am restored to my faith.

I seek difference, pero ako ang difference...all my weight, the space I take, the abilties I have, the people I owe everything to...alastik Oscar speech na ito!

Isang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako dapat maging abugado ay dahil hindi ko kaya ang pamumuhay ng isang abugado, yan ang paniniwala ko.

And besides, I am an impulsive, emotional, and subjective debater. Add the three and you get not a great argumentative lawyer but courtroom drama that should rate in television far better than how "A Few Good Men (Cruise and Nicholson)" faired in the cinemas. Complete disaster for me.

That said, I am still keen on taking the LAE. Geesh! Ang sama ko talaga. Who knows? God willing, I have more choices IF and ONLY IF I pass the remaining 2 years.

Pero napapaisip muli ako (notice na kapag low ako e nag-Filipino ako), is it because I really do not feel the life of a lawyer o dahil ba hindi ko lang ma-amin na incompetent lang ako? Dapat ba talaga nasa-UP ako? Teka...sino nga ba ako? OA na to!!! Again, is it a matter of pride or principle?

My fallback this time is good advise. Tinanong ko sa magulang ko at salamat na rin sa mga kapwa pol sci majors. Well, alam ko na hindi ako nag-iisa. At alam ko kung hanggang saan ang makakaya ko. To me, my childhood fantasy was to be a trench coat wearing diplomat or ambassador...that I proclaimed straight up sa harap ni Sir KrAfT...nyehehe...thanks ulit sir!

Sure, diplomacy is debate and compromise...but it has its own differences. Like? I guess laws here are indeed less defined or shall I say not as abided to by member countries than citizens. In International Relations, laws are indeed part and parcel, but these are not the main constructs of the structure…rules are more flexible and actors entirely different.

Ahem sa digression.

At huli, is it me or is it how I do it pero hindi ko talaga maiwasan to e.

Masyado na mababa pagtingin ko sa sarili ko on this matter na buong pananaw ko tinatamaan e.

PAG-IBIG…tsk tsk

Has my incompetence reached even this delicate of matters?

Debate nanaman itech!

Masyado lang ba talaga ako malabo kausap? So old school? So idealist? So different from the mainstream?

OR

Masyado lang ba talaga ako OA? So demanding pero so busted naman? So worthy for no one of the female specimen? So kaka? IN short, so alang kwenta.

This is what I have to say. If I am to be me and let everything not me move aside, I am worthless. But if I lose my virtue to the pressures of many, I am worthless as well. Hindi ako doomed sa pag-ibig. It’s just that the time is not now. Perhaps, I should be saving all my love for another person, or for her but in another place and time.

Hindi ko dapat hayaang ang dangal o taas ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ang maging hadlang sa nararamdaman ko.

I love the feeling of love. Is it wrong?

And I trust that God has not set a path of single-blessedness for me. I trust my death will not come, or the climax of my life will not pass without me having whoever that blessing is beside me. Okay…ayoko na ayoko na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s just, ayoko nang madaliin. Ayoko na manakit ng tao putcha naman yan…kahit pagmumura ayoko gawin dito sa blog dahil hindi yan ang kinagisnan at pinaniniwalaan ko. Masakit na masyado e. I think I’ve been beaten up emotionally far too many times in my life, most of the time I shouldn’t have received such punishment but I had to as part of my responsibility to others. Mahabang kwento.

PS: I don’t need a psychiatrist…namamanhid na ako. At dun sa mga nagpahirap (hehe) sa akin sa mga PI at iba pang interviews ko sa UP….CHILL!!! Smiling face lang talaga ako…bakit ba bawal mag-smile sa interview e alam naman natin lahat na hindi kayo masasamang tao kaya nga natatawa ako e…gets? Chill!

I restrain my emotions…my angst, my joy, my sadness, my excitement behind my smile…pwera lang sa blog na to at sa mangilang beses sa ilan pang blog…ang open ko ngayon e. Pero don’t worry, I do express my opposition against a person straight up…so pag di ko kayo sinabihan….oks na oks lang! =)

Call me weak and stupid, but then again you are just as vulnerable as I am. So sa mga may mga maanghang na salita laban sa akin kapag nakatalikod ako (if any God forbid), parang awa niyo na mga tsong…hindi niyo ako kilala…hindi niyo ako kayang husgahan at hindi ko rin naman kayo babalikan. Diyos na bahala sa inyo.

Eto bentahe ng mga Kristyano, o may Diyos sa wala (sabihin na nating claim lang ito), meron kaming fallback. Merong line of reasoning na nagbibigay lakas sa tao upang sabihin na “Let God do as He wills.” There is something worth dying for. There is something worth doing for everything has a PURPOSE. Life has color, has meaning.

Even science could not explain the force that governs all its laws…there is a force that governs this universe. Simply put, man has the right to conclude that God does not exist, but he is answerable for that…and he should defend that. Science could not account for what drives men mad and say that this is God’s will or that is for the better good.

We all seek happiness. But real happiness is earned not searched for. By fulfilling our duties to God and selves, we enrich our souls and think better of ourselves. Only by this change in attitude, change in heart can we have better perspective and appreciate things more. There is meaning, there is fulfillment-another of them benefits of being a believer.

Kaya nga…I love to love!

Good luck sa math ko, bukas na to!!!

First sem na mga chikiting! C u 8am sa AS wan-o-wan, Thursday! God speed!

Choo! Chooo!