Just about time

First of all, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you friends and readers!

Recalling the year that was, I take my trip down medium-term memory lane back to December 2004. Last year was one of the best Christmases in my short life. Why? Not only did I have money that year, I also had a shot at something I never really had a shot at. And that was possibly getting a good intimate relationship going. This year, I could only hope for some preponderance to be injected into my system.

However, I thank God still for the year that passed. A year of parties, of organizations, of chasing GWAs, of mourning over and moving forward from something I simply spoiled.

It is chilly no doubt. I sit back and look to the ceiling. What the heck am I typing about?

Suddenly, I thank God that this year has passed so quickly. I thank Him that I'm stil blogging and people around me are stil where they should be.

I need not relay year 2005. For a nutshell summary, read my blogs hehe. And to those who have read or had glimpses of my articles here; I think you guys will agree that I did not have much of a blast this year. That is to be frank and blunt.

Sure I had my first US right beside my name. Sure I bought some things I needed and some to satisfay my fantasies (and no, a car isn't one of them for now). Sure I had glimpses of hope at a new relationship until I got a grip of myself and took a dose of patience coupled with caution. I just don't feel good about it.

But not to worry, it is not because of any of you.

I've scanned through past blogs and I was sorely disappointed at the following trends I note:
(1) my depressing topics of self-pity and equally pitiful observations
(2) my writing style that I think, a competent reader would either consider "too deep" or "too crappy".

A good friend who has found some peace and joy in her very deserving boyfriend told me once: "Your blogs have this trend...(the abovementioned)...and at the end you try to reconcile or make ends meet."

That also is very true. For that part, I am most happy.

You may have noticed that I have changed the blog heading from Chancellor to The Green and Black Paradigm.

This is my response to the wrong things about me and the world last year. You may think that by attaching "paradigm", I'd be detaching myself from reality in the hopes of putting up my own banner and setting up an imaginary utopian world.

To gladly disappoint you, I will not be so utopian or so far from reality.

The green and black are my colors. They signify my character, if I were a blend of colors. They show a dark, serious, unpredictable me with a touch of whatever goodness that I seek.

As for the paradigm part, I ask: "What is the paradigm suitable for the green and black man?"

I'd frustrate you if I told you that it just sounded good with green and black. Thank goodness, the feeling of underperfoming and disappointment last year drove me to assess me and my work, including this blog compilation.

I did not like much of what I saw.

Time for a new paradigm, I said to myself. Time for me to take hold of perspectives and fundamentals that I had in my better years.

To my certainty, with you guys around...the best of years are ahead of me.

Which may include something big this February.
Which may include finally settling the score with those political beings---hah!lampoons. And yes, elections...am I pumped up or what?
Which may include my second US or a CS (will do).
Which may include taking more jobs until I drop dead.
Which may include less days of asthma and cold once I become a gym wreck.
Which may incluide me doing more for you guys!

And which may include having my first date with one and only one person at Chocolate Kiss, UP DILIMAN!

Or which may include days of daydreaming....I hope not.

Oops, have to pack and wrap the remaining gifts for godchildren!...and exchange gift stuff...

Real quiet here. I guess December 23s are.

Count you blessings. Invest them afterwards..

God be your big boss. And because He is, you won't have to do the accounting. =)

Because some battles have to be fought

Drizzles once in a while, but not enough to take away my attention from the matter at hand.

186 blues...
I never really wanted to be a lawyer, well, not after entering the university and seeing for myself the possibilities that I am more inclined to consider. But staring at the thick case book for several minutes, with regae music as my background wasn't the combination I had in mind coming into this semester. Re-reading each case does not help much. "I am not cut out for this," I tell myself. However, I enlisted in the course because I wanted the experience. I still want to think that courtroom drama every Saturday made much sense. It does.

Obviously, the procrastinator in me wants to just leave this pile of cases unresolved. Some battles have to be fought. I smile and turn my head to make a bone snap and pretend to feel good about it. My phone rings. The problem is that I am blogging. The thing is, I have a case book beside me. My digest does not make sense. It looks more complicated than the one I based it from. I look away anew.

(update) We did nothing last Saturday. I don't know what to think. Great thing is that Sir Jamon made every minute of that meeting worthwhile. I just love it. He really makes me rethink my career as a scholar---am I here to show off how much I know or show off how much I can do to things that do matter?

Home is where the heart was...
So once in a while I ponder on that mysterious person who placed a heart drawing beside my name in the US/CS list at the West Wing. It was such a hard thing for me, emotional at times, to come to a conclusion on these things done to me by unknown individuals. I can take insult at the instance of attack. What I have problems with is thinking of possible individuals who could draw a heart symbol beside my name. Should I feel flattered that someone appreciates me enough to be putting up such things at my list? Should I feel insulted that he or she did not even indicate who he or she was, although that would be completely stupid?

Sorry, some people would gladly think such acts might have been probably a big joke or a half meant lie...the tripping kind of act. To me, it meant more. I hope that drawing did.

Of safety pins and open zippers...
Last week, Thursday if I recall correctly, my jeans' zipper ripped broke. So what do I do? Some people easily notice open zippers, why not ripped ones right? I mean, I had to cover up. So using two big safety pins, I sealed the opening. Please, there isn't much of a sight inside anyway. Oh well, that's for another forum. Point is, I was so conscious. Conscious to the point I was exposing the cover up by covering up. How? I carried my bag using my hands and put it right in front of the broke zipper area. Damn, I can't illustrate using words. How about demonstrate? hehe. Sure gives me a laugh.

Saving for nothing...
I tell my friends when asked when I am to have a girlfriend, "Oh, I can feel her coming. I don't know her yet, but I know she's near." They give me a blank stare. My predictability has reached a certain pinnacle. Now, my mask can't cover what I keep inside. They all knew I am just waiting for the moment to strike. It was just, they did not know who. So I ask myself, my hair blown out by the aircondition near, "Who am I saving my love for?" No one? Someone? Anyone? I try to be as rational as I am eccentric as I am unconventional. So, my logic tells me that God has a plan for me. Yes, adopting my own son? That's too forward-looking of me. But I guess looking to a time that far off has brought me this far. I should wait for some more. Some moment in time.

However Thursday afternoon, something good happened to me. As I was toiling over something, this friend of mine comes with another friend and greets me. I have been meeting up with this woman quite often than usual this week. Everytime she offers a smile not familiar to me. I have known her for some time now, but not really noticing how special she was. Ahem Pao. They were in search of some commodities nearby. Not to worry, it was all friendly. But the smile she had...very unusual. The smile I gave..very warm and endearing as my heart skipped a beat. I tell myself, "my woman has to make my heart skip a beat".

I haven't officially courted someone before. Yet, something about her smile told me that perhaps a shot at the curvature of the moon won't be all that bad. I'm not talking about her, I'm being general here. Grai, I know you're gonna talk me out of this. Arianne, I know you're gonna do the exact opposite. Both of you are romantics, but how you differ in perspective hehe. I'll take this at my own pace...God's timing.

Not since last year have I felt this way again. On my part, the exchange wasn't just friendly anymore. Problem is, to her it means nothing. I think such poetic justice to this experience best be saved for a blog I am to post WHEN the time comes. After fifteen minutes of browsing, she left with some items. I sigh. Maybe I should go searching again. Maybe I should lay it all on the line for something I have never had before.

To be honest with my readers, I have a preference for UP women. Something other than their brains or their character that drives me nuts. But I know relationships aren't about skipping beats or driving yourself nuts or being inspired to ace an exam. It's deeper than that. Alas, better save for nothing. But save nonetheless...in some hope. Out of some gut feeling, I feel good about the idea of falling in love.

SEA Games misery...
Sorry guys, we cheated according to the head of the UP volunteer delegation. But Thaksin, do watch your language. And I do think the Thai king does deserve some respect. Aside from a four-page cover on him by the PDI filled with greetings and grand pictures, I think Bhumibol and the monarchs before him did a swell job. At times I think maybe a tyrant could make the difference for the Philippines. A tyrant with a heart. A bureaucracy with a sense of professionalism...the meritocratic order.

About the cheating, minimal, yes, but cheated...still. It shames our athletes. To think that fellow Filipino can deny his countrymen of honest victory. To think that glory comes at a price here. Can you believe our delegation to the opening program was delayed by traffic? Yes, most of those proud men and women in uniform weren't really athletes. So am I tryin to tell you that they were most likely bystanders? Probably, YES. Tragic.

Maxi...
Saw Maximo Oliveros for a reaction paper to be submitted during Pan Pil 19 class. Great movie in my opinion. What adds to its merit list are the difficulties and limitations the crew had to face. Imagine having P500,000 as your budget. The type of film feasible is a documentary. But Maximo did not turn out as that, it had a touch of an offbeat movie. Sure enough, this offbeat out-of-the-box concept earned our country international awards. What was really moving was the circumstances "Maxi" faced..poverty, discrimination, the evils that take you away from the open door of having your own loved one.

Kinda think of it, he's like me...waiting impatiently. Here I go again!

The fog...
I have to be honest about this. For the first time in TWO years, I saw fog worthy of remembrance. Yes, I try to recall instances when I see strange phenomenon like falling stars or this one...though not as dramatic as the former. At first I thought it was all because the volume of vehicles was above average and so...voila, air pollution. I sniffed the air. Nothing. Then I realized I was wearing a jacket and a certain chill enveloped us (Katips jeep). I concluded that this was indeed fog. I then had misty eyes...watery eyes. I am that kind of a person. A different kind of feeling runs down my spine and I react. This time it was a tear, next time a jolt of excitement, next time a laughing trip...

I end with some thoughts for upcoming week...
I should thank Chancellor Cao et al. for both the good and the bad his version of the lantern parade has done...particularly the closing of the Acad oval part...

It's good that we have given our eager countrymen a chance to earn big time just in time for the Christmas festivities. I've been a frequent taxi rider recently and I've had the chance to ask them how they're doing and how things are. I was coming home last Sunday from the PGS anniversary and JPGS yule ball, I emceed and so I was tired. But something the driver told me made me feel guilty. It is saddening what one told me: "Naghahatid kami ng mga may napamili. Pero kami, hindi naman makapamili e." I let that speak for itself.

Secondly, the traffic jams. Well, because now I pay more attention to my alarm clock. My body clock failing is a sign of aging and stress I think.

Thirdly, I get to walk in the middle of the Acad oval road. I don't go to UP on Sundays, when the oval is declared carless. Now that it is, ideally, I get to do something beyond the convention or what the law dictates. Now, I get to walk with friends in the middle of nowhere and get to stretch out our hands wide and breathe in fresh air. Now...at least a week...I can do something else.

Read the good book and quote prophet Jeremiah: "If running with men has worn you out. How then can you run with horses?"

To the misery and the madness, I say I will run my course...but with the best of them all. So must you.

Some battles have to be fought. I wonder what, I wonder why, I wonder when...God, I wonder how I am to make it with you.

Something sends butterflies down my stomach, the phone rings, I smile...