What I was supposed to say

No one can ever ever fully understand the entire being of a person. No amount of time, exchange of glances, common interests, and even mutual feelings can add up and give one a prophetic vision of a life with someone.

It's like the expression "Okay lang." I watched the film Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore with family...part of a triple celebration (my mom, dad and me were all born on the same month). My opinion of the movie can be best summarized by "Okay lang." You get the sense that am looking for the middle ground because the movie didn't really impress, but didn't bore to disappoint me either. So it's okay. Will I recommend that cute flick? Depends on the question. When asked: "Maganda ba?" I can outrightly put out my ace of diamonds and say "Okay lang." But when the question is: "What is your opinion of the movie? How was it?" "Okay lang." becomes an awkward response.

And it's pretty much a tragedy in our use of language that we develop safe expressions to mean that we are neutral about something. Not everything can be left up in the air. Some matters have to be tackled with honesty, others with caution and respect. It's like how I view people who can't stop making use of the expression "uhmmm" before putting in a line or two. Sure, great if they had really something to say that they had to furnish it in all English linen and Oriental silk. But no. Most of the time, the use of "uhmmm" projects elements of weakness and being unprepared to discuss something.

The reality is and it should bite: There is no such thing as a middle ground. You have to be more precise in describing what you mean. In the corporate world, or any world for that matter, it's an interplay of consistency and substance. If you are consistent with people that you want to keep hands off and say nice things, if not pleasant things, out of being civil than you are to sacrifice substance. I myself am guilty of this. I can't seem to say what I think straight up. Inferiority complex at worst? Maybe. It's just that I don't think I have enough authority to say some thoughts unlike a lot of people in the university do. On one hand, that can be construed as humility, which is to me always a proper way of carrying yourself in any set-up. But when humility becomes cowardice or at less pretending to be disattached, it becomes a weakness in person. Oh how many men have fallen out of line for not saying what they truly feel? Too many to mention. Result: tyrants, self-absorbed egomaniacs, the illusion of being a romantic...bah!

I myself am guilty of this. The fear to be hurt because of what you intend say becomes by itself a crime---or an accomplice to one. For if killing yourself figuratively even is a crime, then motivating yourself or creating opportunities for you to wallow in pain and hurt yourself goes in hand with the commission of crime. Gets? Hehe

I fear to say what I mean. When I do in all blazing glory, someone shoots me down to the waters. And when I did, I get so hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. That's awfully bad on my part.

I don't want to feel these impulses anymore. And that's bad.

Why?

In my case, some people may view me as someone as Kristian would say "up there in my ivory tower". Ergo, people don't understand me or should they try, they misinterpret me. What follows? They judge me based on half-truths and speculation. But that's what people do. They don't have the time to know you for who you are...all they offer is some piece of advice and perhaps a line or two to make you feel better. They may say to you that they know what you feel but at times, it's better to say you don't. Far worse, better say you don't care.

You read me right...not to care. Why? Because when I open my silly mouth, I get to say the wrong things. I am in disconnect. My alternative? Prayer and meditation. My recourse? Study the situation and give it time.

Haha, funny, I violated both my plans of action when I opened up my pathetic mouth through writing to someone almost a year ago. Will she ever full grasp my intention? Never. No one will. But could she try to relate and show appreciation for the situation? Perhaps. I don't know. I fear I never will.

In the Council and other organizations I am an officer in, I falter in the same way. I can't seem to be able to confront someone and tell them to quit their antics and be serious with the work at hand. I can't. Why? People judge you point blank. They take your good advice or your commanding remarks as attacks to their person. SIMPLY PATHETIC! I know, but don't we all sometimes treat such remarks as such? The thing I hate about a relativist world is its seemingly careless way of awarding people their freedom to set standards of their own. Maybe all my philosophy put together can't imagine a world such as the one painted. But then again, out of my biases, I choose to listen and relate.

Bottomline, since I can't force my words to mean what they should clearly to you...I choose to act out my message to you. How's that? If we simply do our jobs to the fullest of our capacity and still be able to accomplish more...that in itself is a stronger message to everyone. It's shouting to the sensitive bystander..."Hey, can you bear seeing me outdo you?" Sure it's rather self-motivated and a bit selfish but for purposes of being civil and clear about it...it's worth the try.

I agree with Barrymore: "The rhythm is like sex. But the lyrics...that's when you're beginning to know the person."

Amusing, some women put a locked gate in front of their hearts out of the belief that all men are after their body...even just more sublime...their minds. I think that is a major err in judgment. We're not after sex. We're not after just your body. Hell, that is an insult.

Worse than that...some (not all) reciprocate and judge a man based on externalities. How shallow! Are grades, cars, good charming eyes, and a stable future all there is to it? How dare you say then that you know when a man and a woman aren't made for each other when you're looking skin deep and at documents of honors and of license plates?

Sure, not all women are like that. Hah, I know a lot of them who ARE NOT. However, I do know others who ARE LIKE THAT. And men, don't think we are exempt.

I will never mean something other than being a dear friend to people at this time. Why? Because I can not be discerned. I myself can't know yet what I want in life. At the same time, I can't fully understand other people for why they make such life decisions or why they put letters on their foreheads. And it's supposed to be this way...because compatibility is not everything there is to it in life relationships.

COMPATIBILITY...haha, if that be the basis, what are the chances?
Imagine me and feel better you're far more beautiful....take it on levels

Physical: tall at 6 feet but really not good at 200 or so pounds; great eyes (haha) but not that at all impressive features other than that; young yes, but too formal and old-looking in fashion

Academic: haha, barely a cumlaude or maybe not after this sem...not a real stand-out sure he speaks well but a lot of us do, not a real genius...the reason? he's rather committed to a salad of organizations...which means time may just be an issue...sure he can impress his boss but sure won't spend a date with me

Financial: is he even working? it's not like he'll inherit a fortune...sure he'll get some, but not a six or seven digit thing...not that bankable...no cars, no fancy designer clothes

Ideational: he's Protestant to begin with...my parents will bar me from changing faiths lest he convinces us. so he's part of the sectarian minority...his conservatism has limits but his right-wing tendencies are uncontrollable at times...sheesh, so he'll be a gentleman to take you out on a romantic night out but he might just make no sense once his old-school ways get to you...and he subscribes to the idea of an authoritarian government..

SEE? How in hell am I supposed to get myself a stake at the market with these?


My message to all: So why put up a futile attempt to seek someone suitable to your taste, to your so-called standards, to your superficial expectations when there are a wealth of others who unconsciously take efforts to make you better inside and those conscious who go out of their way to make you appreciate the idea of some prospect of a great future?

I beg to disagree that's it's a matter of being prepared, or mature, or that you just don't like it.

What I was supposed to say and now I say to manifest some clarity: Live out your life and arm yourself to the teeth knowing that you are consistently substantial as a person and substantially consistent with God's purpose for you living here.

And no amount of pretense can mask who you really are...so why play charade?

Michelangelo is right

When he said that the danger with this world, as the same with those of the past and future, is not when people aim high and fail, but when people aim small and succeed.

This saying, in a figurative way, is me or encapsulates me.

The failures of my past, as I was dozing off last night thinking of my life for the past two decades, are noteable and also hard to rebound from. But these same failures are also brought about because of my insatiable desire for the ideal...at time the too ideal.

Argue with me or say I'm living in a dream world, but this to me is an element of me that people can look out for and up to.

I tell people that I am torn about many things that confront me. I do not have a straightforward answer. I do not give advice lest I hear the complete story. I am not as "up there" as I seem to be, say in recitation or in my numerous endeavors, as I am in these my moments of faltering.

Dwyane Wade says, fall seven times, stand eight. I say, fall seven times from seven thousand feet to rise up to eight times and go eight thousand feet. When I say a thousand, I'm telling a lot.

Some things were worth noting for me basing on what I saw in the crowd last night, our mega birthday bash. And as I told Patrick and Kristian afterwards in a way, the thing that stands out are my former and latter. Former and latter here is referring to people involved or at least, linked with me in some way or the other. I'm pretty sure a good number of the crowd around has a good idea of how my seven thousand feet pit fall is with the former and the latter. And they must have forgiven me for suddenly hitting the "emergency eject" button when I felt uneasy.

I still feel uneasy. I do not deserve it. Mara told me not to entertain such unworthy feelings. Kristian does. Patrick in a way does. Still, the last resistance of my youthful innocent past of not knowing how deep seven thousand feet is remains. Twenty years of my life and the past four are by far the most colorful of them. This is not to say that the other sixteen years were dull and less in motion than today. It is just the complexity and the sincerity of what I have felt about certain people have made me do the most outrageous deeds in the shortest time and on a regular basis. So I needed. So I jumped. So I pay the price.

I drew much attention, and oddly, a ton of Friendster invites after declaring myself in a "In a relationship" state. I rejected invites from complete strangers, lest they introduced themselves in a fashion to my liking. Co-celebrant Val went up to me and relayed to me bits of this growing rumor that I am this newly taken bachelor. I smile and tell him, as I tell all others asking the same sticky question, that I'd rather tell them when everything else is certain. I add that things won't be as abrupt and maybe as ill calculated as the past.

It's always to keep this said than done. Then again, I try and I've learned more than a thing or two about dealing with feelings and prospects about the future.

But why am I still concerned with the hand she has after several months of having laid down my cards on the table? Why am I so concerned with her next move?

The answers can very much debunk my way of viewing things. And maybe it's these possible answers people who rationalize too much that give the distasteful flavor to the alternative to the TRUTH. Because there is no alternative to the truth. And I've spent my life trying to make a statement even to those who have treated me with dubious motives, those who judged me face value, those who have constantly twisted the truth about me and in effect betrayed me.

To say that I consider another way of viewing relationships and take it entirely is just like saying that my life statements are to eventually nullify themselves. Sure, nothing lasts. I give the skeptic that. However, I also dare say that those who remain consistent and in principle (reflecting in praxis) are by this world's standards better off in terms of reputation and credibility. I would not sacrifice that for all the accalades in the world.

So what does this have to do with so much fun and so much chit-chat last night? I don't know. Maybe anchovy got to my brain. Am sick and tired of reasoning. I've tried reasoning, it only bought me some time before denial ensued. I've tried feeling as well, and I think it does a better job at making you feel good about yourself. For what is a great argument if devoid of relevance, or purpose to the beating heart? It is like living a lie.

Just crossed my mind. I remember a friend and feel for him. He once took great measures to be all he could be to this woman, take note, professionals and stable with their lives already. For some time it was sweet. Then she cools off. Then she acts as if she doesn't know him anyomore. Then she shoves him and hits the eject button and poof, he's out. Here comes coco crunch nitwit! I don't know lady what you take yourself for BUT YOU JUST MISSED OUT A LOT. And sure those inclinded to argue may tell me I should have listened to the lady's account. Well sorry, I know them both and I know what history they have. YOU WERE JUST A BREATH AWAY FROM ENGAGEMENT! Lie. A lie in exchange for a truth you can not face because you were busy all years (twenty or even sixty) of your life building walls around you and amassing support from those you think you can grab support from. Then you cluster and divide--- disturbing the supposed harmony.

Allow me to tell you that you might as well rephrase the rhetoric and tell him you're living a lie.

You can't commit. Your idea of love is as farce as the story of man walking on the Sun---because you'll burn before you get there baby!

Tragic.

CONSISTENCY AND PRINCIPLED LEADERSHIP. I just let fools who think of themselves as great by some yardstick swallow these concepts and see who remains standing up. To those who do stand up, all the best. My question: Just how many are left? This country can use this process of elimination to find its soul---that it is full of filthy faces masked by silk cloth.

Reason and feeling. Can they coexist? Am I reasonably emotional? In matters of faith, there can be little convergence. There still can be.

I use reason to help me get the message people direct at me. It takes time. It screws up a lot and wastes time and resources.

I use feeling to help me realize that at the end of the day, I still am worth something---a life's statement committed to change.

AND IF PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT WELL SORRY, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT AND MAKE UP AS MANY B-LINERS AS YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE THE PERSON THAT PEOPLE BELIEVE IN---THAT BEING PAPA BEAR, PAOLO, POPO, SO WHAT HAVE YOU WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

At the end of the day, I won't be the Michelangelo self-fulfilling prophecy.