The Green and Black Paradigm

God I hate being in ceremonies and flashes of formalities

2007-04-22T15:27:00.000+08:00

Call me an structuralist. Call me one on the moderate right of the political spectrum. Usually people who tend to be on the conservative right of things see the importance of hardline projection of power. We hold military reviews and parades for this simple reason. We like wearing thick and colorful clothing. We like order. Conservatives of the medieval times liked their armor and coat of arms shiny and heavy. In short, I like pageantry as I like whatsoever message they propagate. But these do not necessarily mean I like being in long ceremonies and flashes of formality. I don't like being under the hot sun and the dry staining dust. This accounts for me walking about and looking for friendly smiles. A picture opportunity and some instructions for my official photographer---my mom, was more than enough to distract myself from the heat. Haha, I survived UP with every bit of distraction. Distract myself when I flunked math. Distract myself when I got dumped. Then confront the issue and most of the time succeed.

I want things to get over and done with. Maybe if I were like the man of the hour or had a significant role to play, I could have welcomed the long sitting exercise. Thing of it is, and as I manifested, all I looked forward to was a blank diploma and change. Forgive the cynicism. Forgive me if I do not share as much enthusiasm when it comes these moments with you. It's not a boy thing. It's not even a KJ thing. Nothing went wrong. It's just me. If any consolation, I thank the legions of PolSc peepz and friends across the board who wished me well. Ah but I do not like staying put. Which actually explained why I was restless in my seat yesterday, looking for a familiar face in a sea of familiar faces and a comforting word from people you've gone to for comfort for the past four years.

This comes from an age-old practice I've had which makes other people think me a serious drag all the more----the practice being...I don't celebrate past victories. I don't live for the moment and the moment being something referring to four years of supposed comfortable living in the premier university of the country. No, not even Mam David and moreso the valedictory speech crept up to me and not much spark was there. But who cares about what I felt? I rarely think if people care for me anymore recently. Call it confidence, I think it's being numb more than anything. I'm tired of thinking what other people think when it comes to the shallow matters of life. I'd gladly think of what you think when we debate. But when it comes to looking good on film, haha, sorry. The flashes of cameras, the videocamera panning, the smiles exchanged...nada. I feel ashamed that people can afford to be superficial even in the greatest of these moments. But nothing sparked a flame. I wanted to be emotional and that's really easy with me. But looking back down time isn't my thing. Reminiscing has its uses, but not yesterday. Which was quite tragic for me for all my excitement was turned down by the mere length and subtleness as if I was looking for something great and it did not come. I wanted to recall collective victories of mine and those of colleagues, but they did not come. The glory of the University of the Philippines did not descend. It sounded like a pretense to me. Every word that claimed to be academic and scholastic did not drive me. Well, romantics are fond of abstractions and rhetoric more than simple and grounded remarks; which may explain why the messages did not affect me as they should have. To each his own. Touche.

I don't want to look back that often and particularly to stinging parts of recent history that are more despicable than hurtful nowadays to me...

I don't want funny gazes and stabbing stares that force me to reflect past actions. I live my life with no regrets. And if yesterday was any testament, so be it.

I am not a good narrator. I am not a good eulogy deliverer. I won't make a great priest contrary to what most in my church think and I take time and cyberspace to thank them for the drive I now possess. The reminiscent in me lost to the man driven in me. That can be both a good and bad thing. But in the context of the past weeks and what I've done, it has served more good. I told Mara this in our SBC drink-and-share-a-thon...I don't want to get left behind. I am driven to move on and move forward in strides. I am determined to unleash myself and the hell I care what the world thinks of what I am about to do. I have a dream to realize, a family to love, a new family to raise at the time God appoints, a church to serve, friends as those yesterday to celebrate, and a world to contribute to. Haha, no time for sleeping with pleasant dreams. Time to make them real. Time to make them count...

And as for unnecessary luggage, the trash can of my subconscious.

As for people I thank now and for the future I say to them: Somewhere down the road...

God bless.

Disappearing act

2007-04-07T23:55:00.000+08:00

So what have I been up to the past weeks?

Aside from finishing papers and checking CRS for grades every now and then...

and by the way, if my computation serves me right, my GWA is a happy dappy 1.76. What a pain to the head! What a dagger! Now I know how it feels. But I've been numbed since January after having estimates of all my grades. Matter of fact, the only thing I look forward to on the 10th is to know that I'm marching up the stage, getting a blank diploma, a handshake, some applause and a feast back at home. Yes, it appears I will be able to bring only my parents to the ceremonies. Hah get the hang of 1.76! Imagine, just some small decimal number! Take away all the math subjects and I'd be up there in the 1.5 range! That's how devastating math became. Oh well. Am grateful twas always PolSci that pulled my average up. Here's a breakdown:

11-1.5
14-1.5
110-1
199-1.25
150-1
160-1.25
170-1.75
180-1.75
144-1.5
193-2.25
171-1.5
167- 1.25
186- 1
187- 1.5
178- 1.5

Is there a consolation prize for majors honors? NONE. SADLY. You won't get a teaching job with this feat.

1. Eating and thinking of things I should not think of are staples in between things I do. I think I gained 5 to 10 lbs and am willing to bet the next 5lbs on it!
2. Attend send-off parties to eat, mix with people I will miss and miss all the more, refuse endless offers of San Miguel Light and say that even a bottle of Cali can make me sick, and shake my groove thing.
3. Read current affairs books as if they will impact my knowledge bank once I get a job that has almost nothing to do with Political Science. Every so often however, I read a chapter or two of complete fictions or historical fictions in between to ease my mind.
4. Plan on doing things for this summer while waiting for the right job in that stack of options. These activities may include: learning how to drive, writing a novel, getting a pampering in some sauna bath, shopping for goodies like CDs books and clothes I can actually enjoy, and of course, GETTING A JOB AND A LIFE.
5. Breaking off from some elements of my past life. This may include compiling Council files, getting my things from the office (and I have at least four org offices), giving parting shots in meetings for incoming execoms, and showing up more in an array of orgs I had to compromise for Council and academic work primarily.
6. Did I say finding a job? My CV is floating. Come dare and grab me for your team! I've been machine-gunning my applications to nearly every job I'm competent enough to handle. That may range from UN work to something as irrelevant as wait...it can be relevant...organization development for a certain oil company. Not surprisingly, NGOs and institutions have not popped out to present opportunities. Such a loss to them! Nah! ehehehe.
7. Visiting places. Though I haven't seen new sights outside our traditional Zambales Holy Week getaways and my getaway in the metro called Gateway. Zambales was great, though colorful. (Don't make me explain)
8. PRAY. For what? Productive prospectives don't you worry.
9. Getting well-earned sleep from 2am to 8am. Yes, I wake up 5am less often now. Sad I used to do that on a regular basis even in college.
10. Play PC games at will! My Wednesdays are finally FREE! So I spend them killing Mongolian hordes, conquering Northern Europe and beating the hell out of the Sudanese to the south. I LOVE MEDIEVAL TOTAL WAR 2! I also am pushing my Lakers to the impossible---a season sweep! Then I watch a DVD. Ahhh...the bum life...only on Wednesdays!

AND THINKING OF PEOPLE AND MATTERS WHEN THEY POP. Am trying a mop-style hairdo a la Beatles. Really weird. I don't plan on having a haircut til a week before graduation. I do however plan on getting measured for slacks and barong.

God be your itinerary secretary!

A BLESSED EASTER TO YOU ALL!

Most of these are true, others...am willing to throw into an argument

2007-03-25T23:50:00.000+08:00

Check the link at the bottom, very insightful though barely perfect and at times, ambiguous. But what the heck...

You entered: Paolo Sanchez

There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 54
There are 5 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Latin	Male	Variant of Paul: Little; small.
Italian	Male	Italian form of Paul: Small.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

FOR MORE!!!

2007-03-21T23:46:00.000+08:00

What Makes Men Fall in Love?

Posted by David Zinczenko

on Thu, Mar 15, 2007, 11:34 am PDT

Grasping plethora

2007-03-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

After much ado about so many things in my life, I feel so unprepared of my entering a new crossroad in my life. That's the feeling you get when you're about to submit one of your last papers, when you're at the receiving end of your grades coming at you without second guess, when your term as Councilor and as officer elsewhere ends, and when people start inviting you to send-off parties. It gives me the creeps actually. I've gotten so comfortable to the atmosphere in UP. I reminisce and recall the day I told myself, getting that white envelope informing me of my entry to UP that I was to embark on a trip to the real world. Apparently, for all the allegories and comparisons of society being a microcosm in UP, it is never the same thing out there and here. You begin to ask yourself whether the course you took really equips you to do anything worth noting...and to some, worth earning.

Moving, moving, never ceasing...

Everything and everyone else for that matter is moving on and moving to some condition they think is best for them. Be it taking immediately an MA course or law or be it finding a job and perhaps, a life. In a way, I think I haven't been too clear to myself about my plans. The clear path thus far is to wait. Not in the sense of becoming a bum and laying low. I guess I have to find a suitable occupation and set on my career path. I do this while waiting on a scholarship that could hopefully help me propel myself to higher education abroad. I don't want to name schools but I have a select few I may have mentioned before. With the course I intend to take for MA, I have no doubts that I as a scholar am to grow in an area I believe I am passionate about. Still, even if I get the best education, there are no guarantees I end up in my envisioned role in society and in the context I have dreamed of since a child. Sadly, crystal bowls have ran out of market value sometime after the Medieval Ages. And I guess I don't want to know what awaits me. Instead, I tell myself to work for my dreams. I haven't shut the doors of the corporate sector, though very limited offers are there for one trained in my craft. Toff gives me the nudge and tells me corporate social responsibility. I smile in agreement. But agree is agree does---makes you feel better, doesn't change the whole picture.

Was with the outgoing Council at Wok This Way the other night. Seeing dear friends and colleagues can be such a joy, such a refreshment to the weary soul. You try to combat the world and wear your mask but the world can at times devour you. For this reason I find no time to reason with gossip and speculation. I find truth in the stance of many that to fully realize your potential, you stay true to yourself and let the world decide. Seeing Ado and the rest of the Council enjoy never-ending laughter (thanks to Aiza who seems to have rebounded to the nth level) and stories and plans for the future makes you think you're in a movie and the story is about to come to a stop and the credits are about to roll. There is something pleasant in that, something that makes you want to sigh and breathe air that you thought you lost when you signed up for a career against the world. The night, simple as it was, turned out to be very momentous. Besides, I enjoy my private time with family and friends in the scarcity of time and resources allowable to me. In that world, politics becomes an anecdote. Real events in time have become historical selectivities that come back in fleeting moments, of intervals of five minutes or perhaps when Aiza breaks in story or when Marize wins us over with her accent. Academics...ha, let's not deal with them.

It can be to idealistic that you get what you want at the get go of your professional career. Your UP pride tells you that at entry level, your competence make you earn at least 30k. Reality tells you the harsh tale and offers you call centers and research work, no demeaning involved. Only a few enter the higher posts and chances are, competition is just as stiff. We talk of grandiose institutions and think tanks, only to find out they hire people with two things (1) competence reaching to the MA echelon at least, and (2) EXPERIENCE. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, it doesn't matter so as along as you have experience. Ha, I laugh and wish myself luck. I am, in a way afraid of the future. It is very much like Pandora's Box only that you can't tell yourself it's a myth or that you're having a bad dream. You eventually live the future, and that's the scary part.

But I guess, enduring the final year of my stay in UP has equipped me to face the world with a fresh mind set and a well-rounded person. I may have my masks, but at the least, I can get to wash my face in between changing them. I take time to listen to good advice. I had a number of dates the past week and am looking forward to more time with friends. I invest in these moments and have often been misjudged for my motives, which to me is both very surprising and very shallow. Some friends share stories. Some share plans. Some rant about life and love. I can't help but pay much attention. Alfredo has lost its creamy texture. Iced tea seems to pass through your taste buds without causing any sensation. I tell myself that I punish myself at times. Hearing people tell me that they should not be judged for what they project outside...the act of convincing me they are good people and that they are going through trials in a difficult life...that kind of stuff...I smile and thank God I'm right at the other side of the table. I tell myself, if these friends of mine can be so passionate in the defense of their right to be understood for what they are, then I find no reason not to invoke the same right in my case.

Heck, I'd love to use that right when I tell my side of the story...

I have a wealth of stories now, few listeners. Better that way I tell myself than commit error. Talking too much can lead to more undoing. And since I have been mum about personal matters and even professional ones, my side of the story ain't heard. At times I think it's selfish to make people hear me out and get my point on all this lunacy. But hearing all those friends of mine and feeling obliged to do something about their relationships, their career choices, even their academics, I think I should have time to get my message across. But I am not such a person. I am not as expressive, or am I as straightforward about things. My mask still covers a wide area of me that I am not ready to share with people yet. Besides, things I have exposed about my life have already been put under the microscope and misinterpreted.

I will be very blatant about these matters:

1. My career as a leader. Life in politics can never be a life of pleasing everybody. My side of the story: It can really get to my nerves when people seemingly lack appreciation and go out of their way to scrutinize your Council, EVEN A SIMPLE THANK YOU from you can become a propagandizing opportunity to them. They always seek error, seek weakness, seek to see things their way. I am very much angered. But I choose not to retaliate. Besides, people who know the TRUTH are all over defending this great Council. We do not ask for recognition. We know what we accomplished and we have the MONOPOLY OVER THE FACTS. I feel it unfair at times that the Secretary-General has the duty of Information Officer---so that the insults are directed at you. And sadly, I find these comments shallow and unfounded. At times, I get a bit ticked when people (at least one and I won't be clear on that person's gender or background so don't take clues at face value) asked me what I did for the Council as an individual. This type of person who'd run names of people he claimed to KNOW REALLY WORKED FOR THE COUNCIL and decides to uhm...leave out the person he is conversing with ( which happens to be me, and if I were arrogant enough I'd tell that person that I WORKED MY HEART FOR THIS COUNCIL SO DO AWAY WITH NAMES PAL). Hindi lang talaga ako mahilig magbilang ng accomplishments ko at ng Council na ito kaya swerte mo di ko na kinailangan debatihin ka. If only I could utter "Excuse me..." in that person's face and shame him all the more. I dare not. I need not stoop down to his level. Besides, to each his own.

FOR MORE RANT-athon! RANDOM LANG PALA ITONG SUSUNOD. VENTING OUT LANG FRIENDS. DON't WORRY MGA READERS, DI NYO NAMAN KILALA TO. COMPOUNDING LANG TALAGA ANG PAGKAASAR KO SA MGA TAONG GANITO.

2. My personal life outside UP. Ah, Arendt must be a bit disappointed how one's personal life can be so subject to useless intrigue. Personally, ayoko sa taong maisyu. Pinipili ko ang mga kinukwentuhan ko at inaasahan ko na susuklian nila ng tiwala ang, basically, ang tiwala ko. At lubos ako magtiwala, even the realist side of me. Pero ano magagawa ko, maraming nakapalibot sa akin na ganun na lang ang overwhelming concern sa tsismis in the guise of "concern" over your well-being. AMININ NA NATIN HARAPAN, people have pre-conceived notions about somebody. May taong ayaw mo lang talaga dahil siguro pangit siya AT DAHIL DI SIYA PASADO SA STANDARDS MO. Add to that a testimony from another party at lalong mavavalidate ang opinion mo about that person. ANG PAKIUSAP KO LANG, SANA MADINIG DIN NAMAN ANG TAONG HINUHUSGAHAN NIYO. SANA KAUSAPIN NIYO SIYA DAHIL KAWAWA NAMAN SIYA AT NAHATULAN WITHOUT ANY SORT OF TRIAL. PAPASOK PA NAMAN KAYO SA LAW SCHOOL. SANA HINDI PURO KURO-KURO AT SANA LAMANG, HUWAG NIYONG ISIPIN NA MAY KARAPATAN KAYONG LAPITAN ANG TAONG ITO PARA BIGYAN NG "LIFE-CHANGING" ADVICE KUNG ANG ALAM NIYO LANG NAMAN AY ANG ISANG BERSYON NG KUWENTO. PLEASE. AND DON'T CLAIM YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL OR HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. YOU CAN'T. DON'T ADD INSULT TO MY INJURY. DON'T COMMENT ON ME SA HARAP NG IBA OR TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS WHEN I AM AROUND AS IF TO SHOW NA PAGOD KA LANG OR IRITA KA SA MUNDO PARA DI AKO PANSININ. TAPOS PAG AKO NAMAN ANG DI PUMANSIN SA IYO DAHIL PAGOD AKO FROM U.P. LIFE AKO NA NGAYON ANG MASAMA. TAPOS AKO NA NGAYON ANG TUMUTULAK SA IYO PAPALAYO. AKO NA NGAYON ANG AYAW NG ADVICE??? COME ON! I HAVE MY CIRCLE OF ADVISERS, IN UP PA LANG UMAAPAW NA SILA. BESIDES, I DECIDE ON MY OWN ACCORD. KUNG WALA NAMAN BASIHAN ANG MGA PINAGKAKAKALAT MO. PLEASE LANG.

OH BY THE WAY, DI AKO GALIT HA. Well, hindi pa. Mahirap akong galitin e =)

Hay, ayan nakapag-release na ako! Hay Grai, sana mag-date tayo soon for more catching up. Mega thanks sa CCC for our send-off party last Friday. Nakaka-touch. Kina Dan, Lester and Don to name a few, maraming-maraming salamat. I love the token. I appreciated the intention to honor us. I feel I did not deserve it, given my limited service in CCC. Oh but thank you and God bless. Tapos na ako with Mara and sweet new Sec-Gen Missy sa ChocoKiss. Who's next na ililibre ni Papa Bear? Tama ka Tacio, lilitaw na ang mga sunflowers. I bought my sablay na and I pray to God na maisuot ko na siya sa Abril. haha, 193 results ay lalabas na bukas for more!

May movie project pa pala ako, a short film for the "Clash of the Unbound". Sobrang may passion pala ako for script-writing and directing. Akala ko nung una confined lang to sa written media at sa literature. But no, I actually love inspiring minds visually and capturing souls with a good story. Hay, my only regret is that we did not have enough time and resources. But that's what makes independent/amateur films so great---their raw, innocent form.

After my papers expect a radically different blog entry---a more positive one, less offensive sa mga dapat patamaan. Actually, hehe, am not clear kung sino, basta ayoko lang talaga sa mga taong may ganitong qualities at pag-uugali. Swerte sila hanggang blog lang ako OR PA LANG AKO.

God, please extend my patience to see through shallow minds and my own failings...

Time to strike back

2007-03-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

1. That I have two challenging papers ahead. Not that I don't find other papers pieces of cake. I base the challenge on two things (1) that this is PolSc 144 and I feel pretty passionate about International Relations and the other being in PI and Sir Ambeth Ocampo who's just as unpredictable as the weather reported to us and (2) that it's the home stretch and no one wants to be a step behind.

2. Speaking of being a step behind, I plan on working for at least a time or a span of a contract whilst I wait for scholarships and enrollment abroad in a prospective university that offers a course I am interested in. Right now, it's the Security Studies program at the Australian National University or a diplomacy career at Georgetown University. Do I feel great that semblances of me and Sir Kraft are slowly becoming commonalities in reality? Ofcourse! I could only hope our commonalities extending far beyond the academic. Hehe, wink wink...a handful know of what I'm talking about =) My fallback? MIS in UP. Best of all, no pressure to deliver on the short-term. Heck, I don't even plan on using connections to get a job. Maybe some RnR after graduation...experiencing the bum life. And when i feel that insatiable urge to do something big...then I know I'm being called to deliver on my higher purpose. So, step behind? Nah. More of taking life in stride.

3. That I have to wear shorts to UP more often in the remaining weeks. I just don't get it why people react, or in my way of seeing it, overreacting to my wearing of shorts one time. It isn't a pleasant sight! All you see is flesh and curly thick hair! Plan on waxing it? NO!

4. I miss ChocoKiss food! Fulfilled my promise to date Mara there. We had a very enlightening discussion...though enlightening here is tackled in its romantic sense...hehe. I plan on taking the next Sec-Gen, Missy Gonzales there for some pointers and last words. Go Buklod! Go Alyansa! Reaffirmation? I think it is also proving to the community that our voices do matter and our accomplishments are recognized. I felt devastated for Nikka, Deyya and Sasa. If any consolation, I felt proud they handled it with poise and a renewed sense of commitment. We love you guys. Such a valiant effort you gave us. I also congratulate those who won. Viktor...Jeff...the choice of sacrifice indeed pays off. I know how it is like to be a last minute candidate. It does not surprise me that we end up winning after the long climb. Truly, no one gets left behind. To Nikka, I know you're driven to lead and prove a point. Just don't be consumed by a dream. Instead, refocus. Rethink and see what people really need...and from the party, they need a leadership formation that is long-term oriented.

I also enjoyed hosting the Miting de Avance. I did for more deeper reasons, ryt Charm and Ado? The pageantry, the intrigue, the depth, the shallowness...wow. Hard to believe I saw it from nearly all angles---the incumbent Councilor, the Buklod execom memeber, the supporter and once, an innocent onlooker.

5. I had a very touching gift from the Volunteer Corps in our culmination night yesterday. After addressing unfounded attacks by so-called leaders of our studentry accusing this Council of doing nothing, I get more than my fair share of assurance---a token that ALMOST sent me crying. I thank the VolCorps. We have done more than our mandate requires of us. I say the same for my beloved Council. Together, we have done exceedingly and let no one person say otherwise for the proof are all over! Carry on the challenge of being IBA and being excellent in the service! After checking debates online, I thank those strangers and friends who defended the Council against unfounded accusations and completely misguided conclusions. And yes, let the one without sin cast the deadly stone.

6. I'm beginning to develop an Erika Mayoni-type trust issue. I don't know. After experiencing much in the hands of former allies and friends who seemingly have an opinion about everything, I assess my person and decide that my time to hit back has come. It's only that, I don't choose to. It's the idealist-realist divide in me of some sorts. I can hurt people. All my life, I could have just but lifted a finger and schemed chaos on someone with the stomach to make falseties work against me. But I haven't encountered such people. And I guess we all change. Instead of saying "I told you so" or that "You are wrong about me and those I defend", I just stay calm and reflect. I find truth in saying that my justice lies in God's hands. It's rather insulting that these people also refer to God as the source of their faith and still have the gall to commit impulsive judgments about me, what I do or how I conduct my life on the simple basis of hearsay or mere speculation. I'm sorry. If you don't like me, tell me. But don't assume I'll change as if only to conform to your version of what you believe I should be. I hold my head up high. And if it so happens you just don't understand me, or do not comprehend the grandiosity of my dreams for this forsaken world, then don't dare come up to me and give me comments about me based on outlandish sentiments and miscconceptions. POLITICS aside. Sometimes I ask, why the hell should I tell you my side of the story? You're made up about the entire thing anyway. You'll give me your account of a tale and tell me to change. Well, much appreciated. But no thank you. Good advice is only as good as it portrays reality it attempts to resolve. Much like a Miting de Avance spectator--hello, they're brandishing their colors for heaven's sake! In a way, my blog has been my propaganda machine to pour my heart out. If you think you're being hit by what I say now. Think again before you do something about it. I have been misjudged, misread and misunderstood before...sadly, most in my most fulfilling stay in UP. Think again because I have no time for more gossip and more constructed lies. I care about you. And no dear readers, am talking about an entirely different entity here. Do not betray my trust friend. I've said the same things about a traitor in my midst once. Don't be the second. It didn't work out well for him. Matter of fact, he's begging I restore my faith in him, as if it would do him much. I just listen and sigh. Bakit kaya? Karma. Tamaan na ang tamaan.

And if you feel intimidated, naiilang or nayayabangan sa akin...I could just offer a smile and allow you to think your thoughts over. You're better than that.

7. The real thing I don't like about blogs---it's all about you or me. I did this, I went there, I bought such, I feel this way...if you read blogs abroad you find a lot of them talking of organizations, of advocacies, of opinions. Sure, they're all personal as well. But by the measure of what I read and I talk about, I feel ashamed. Sorry if I put value-judgment on my ranking. But to me, it's more than just us being Filipinos or Asians who tend to be more personal and more introspective. If we think this way, I argue that progress may find a difficult time to be part of a realistic agenda. Maybe we could all talk about grand plans, of world issues, of things the public can relate to other than making our stories crawl their way to the reader's consciousness. The time of the "I" has gone too far. Besides, all you get is gossip and a misreading of what you type. Sorry, am just being a pragmatist here.

I've thought it over and I say again. I prefer to keep a side of me kept to myself. I prefer to wear a mask hiding the other half of my face or my eyes in a party. Why? There are some things I am comfortable sharing to other people, some I'd rather be vague about such as some entries in my blog, and a significant percent to myself. I tell people I am a morbid, self-consuming masochist. Maybe. I'm not telling. I guess I've given hints of what I can do to people. Then again, I'd rather be happy. Which is why I am happy. Which is why I pray at night. Which is why I encode long blogs.

God be the light on our path.

What I was supposed to say

2007-02-18T13:48:00.001+08:00

No one can ever ever fully understand the entire being of a person. No amount of time, exchange of glances, common interests, and even mutual feelings can add up and give one a prophetic vision of a life with someone.

It's like the expression "Okay lang." I watched the film Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore with family...part of a triple celebration (my mom, dad and me were all born on the same month). My opinion of the movie can be best summarized by "Okay lang." You get the sense that am looking for the middle ground because the movie didn't really impress, but didn't bore to disappoint me either. So it's okay. Will I recommend that cute flick? Depends on the question. When asked: "Maganda ba?" I can outrightly put out my ace of diamonds and say "Okay lang." But when the question is: "What is your opinion of the movie? How was it?" "Okay lang." becomes an awkward response.

And it's pretty much a tragedy in our use of language that we develop safe expressions to mean that we are neutral about something. Not everything can be left up in the air. Some matters have to be tackled with honesty, others with caution and respect. It's like how I view people who can't stop making use of the expression "uhmmm" before putting in a line or two. Sure, great if they had really something to say that they had to furnish it in all English linen and Oriental silk. But no. Most of the time, the use of "uhmmm" projects elements of weakness and being unprepared to discuss something.

The reality is and it should bite: There is no such thing as a middle ground. You have to be more precise in describing what you mean. In the corporate world, or any world for that matter, it's an interplay of consistency and substance. If you are consistent with people that you want to keep hands off and say nice things, if not pleasant things, out of being civil than you are to sacrifice substance. I myself am guilty of this. I can't seem to say what I think straight up. Inferiority complex at worst? Maybe. It's just that I don't think I have enough authority to say some thoughts unlike a lot of people in the university do. On one hand, that can be construed as humility, which is to me always a proper way of carrying yourself in any set-up. But when humility becomes cowardice or at less pretending to be disattached, it becomes a weakness in person. Oh how many men have fallen out of line for not saying what they truly feel? Too many to mention. Result: tyrants, self-absorbed egomaniacs, the illusion of being a romantic...bah!

I myself am guilty of this. The fear to be hurt because of what you intend say becomes by itself a crime---or an accomplice to one. For if killing yourself figuratively even is a crime, then motivating yourself or creating opportunities for you to wallow in pain and hurt yourself goes in hand with the commission of crime. Gets? Hehe

I fear to say what I mean. When I do in all blazing glory, someone shoots me down to the waters. And when I did, I get so hurt that I don't want to feel anymore. That's awfully bad on my part.

I don't want to feel these impulses anymore. And that's bad.

Why?

In my case, some people may view me as someone as Kristian would say "up there in my ivory tower". Ergo, people don't understand me or should they try, they misinterpret me. What follows? They judge me based on half-truths and speculation. But that's what people do. They don't have the time to know you for who you are...all they offer is some piece of advice and perhaps a line or two to make you feel better. They may say to you that they know what you feel but at times, it's better to say you don't. Far worse, better say you don't care.

You read me right...not to care. Why? Because when I open my silly mouth, I get to say the wrong things. I am in disconnect. My alternative? Prayer and meditation. My recourse? Study the situation and give it time.

Haha, funny, I violated both my plans of action when I opened up my pathetic mouth through writing to someone almost a year ago. Will she ever full grasp my intention? Never. No one will. But could she try to relate and show appreciation for the situation? Perhaps. I don't know. I fear I never will.

In the Council and other organizations I am an officer in, I falter in the same way. I can't seem to be able to confront someone and tell them to quit their antics and be serious with the work at hand. I can't. Why? People judge you point blank. They take your good advice or your commanding remarks as attacks to their person. SIMPLY PATHETIC! I know, but don't we all sometimes treat such remarks as such? The thing I hate about a relativist world is its seemingly careless way of awarding people their freedom to set standards of their own. Maybe all my philosophy put together can't imagine a world such as the one painted. But then again, out of my biases, I choose to listen and relate.

Bottomline, since I can't force my words to mean what they should clearly to you...I choose to act out my message to you. How's that? If we simply do our jobs to the fullest of our capacity and still be able to accomplish more...that in itself is a stronger message to everyone. It's shouting to the sensitive bystander..."Hey, can you bear seeing me outdo you?" Sure it's rather self-motivated and a bit selfish but for purposes of being civil and clear about it...it's worth the try.

I agree with Barrymore: "The rhythm is like sex. But the lyrics...that's when you're beginning to know the person."

Amusing, some women put a locked gate in front of their hearts out of the belief that all men are after their body...even just more sublime...their minds. I think that is a major err in judgment. We're not after sex. We're not after just your body. Hell, that is an insult.

Worse than that...some (not all) reciprocate and judge a man based on externalities. How shallow! Are grades, cars, good charming eyes, and a stable future all there is to it? How dare you say then that you know when a man and a woman aren't made for each other when you're looking skin deep and at documents of honors and of license plates?

Sure, not all women are like that. Hah, I know a lot of them who ARE NOT. However, I do know others who ARE LIKE THAT. And men, don't think we are exempt.

I will never mean something other than being a dear friend to people at this time. Why? Because I can not be discerned. I myself can't know yet what I want in life. At the same time, I can't fully understand other people for why they make such life decisions or why they put letters on their foreheads. And it's supposed to be this way...because compatibility is not everything there is to it in life relationships.

COMPATIBILITY...haha, if that be the basis, what are the chances?
Imagine me and feel better you're far more beautiful....take it on levels

Physical: tall at 6 feet but really not good at 200 or so pounds; great eyes (haha) but not that at all impressive features other than that; young yes, but too formal and old-looking in fashion

Academic: haha, barely a cumlaude or maybe not after this sem...not a real stand-out sure he speaks well but a lot of us do, not a real genius...the reason? he's rather committed to a salad of organizations...which means time may just be an issue...sure he can impress his boss but sure won't spend a date with me

Financial: is he even working? it's not like he'll inherit a fortune...sure he'll get some, but not a six or seven digit thing...not that bankable...no cars, no fancy designer clothes

Ideational: he's Protestant to begin with...my parents will bar me from changing faiths lest he convinces us. so he's part of the sectarian minority...his conservatism has limits but his right-wing tendencies are uncontrollable at times...sheesh, so he'll be a gentleman to take you out on a romantic night out but he might just make no sense once his old-school ways get to you...and he subscribes to the idea of an authoritarian government..

SEE? How in hell am I supposed to get myself a stake at the market with these?

My message to all: So why put up a futile attempt to seek someone suitable to your taste, to your so-called standards, to your superficial expectations when there are a wealth of others who unconsciously take efforts to make you better inside and those conscious who go out of their way to make you appreciate the idea of some prospect of a great future?

I beg to disagree that's it's a matter of being prepared, or mature, or that you just don't like it.

What I was supposed to say and now I say to manifest some clarity: Live out your life and arm yourself to the teeth knowing that you are consistently substantial as a person and substantially consistent with God's purpose for you living here.

And no amount of pretense can mask who you really are...so why play charade?

Michelangelo is right

2007-02-09T14:38:00.000+08:00

When he said that the danger with this world, as the same with those of the past and future, is not when people aim high and fail, but when people aim small and succeed.

This saying, in a figurative way, is me or encapsulates me.

The failures of my past, as I was dozing off last night thinking of my life for the past two decades, are noteable and also hard to rebound from. But these same failures are also brought about because of my insatiable desire for the ideal...at time the too ideal.

Argue with me or say I'm living in a dream world, but this to me is an element of me that people can look out for and up to.

I tell people that I am torn about many things that confront me. I do not have a straightforward answer. I do not give advice lest I hear the complete story. I am not as "up there" as I seem to be, say in recitation or in my numerous endeavors, as I am in these my moments of faltering.

Dwyane Wade says, fall seven times, stand eight. I say, fall seven times from seven thousand feet to rise up to eight times and go eight thousand feet. When I say a thousand, I'm telling a lot.

Some things were worth noting for me basing on what I saw in the crowd last night, our mega birthday bash. And as I told Patrick and Kristian afterwards in a way, the thing that stands out are my former and latter. Former and latter here is referring to people involved or at least, linked with me in some way or the other. I'm pretty sure a good number of the crowd around has a good idea of how my seven thousand feet pit fall is with the former and the latter. And they must have forgiven me for suddenly hitting the "emergency eject" button when I felt uneasy.

I still feel uneasy. I do not deserve it. Mara told me not to entertain such unworthy feelings. Kristian does. Patrick in a way does. Still, the last resistance of my youthful innocent past of not knowing how deep seven thousand feet is remains. Twenty years of my life and the past four are by far the most colorful of them. This is not to say that the other sixteen years were dull and less in motion than today. It is just the complexity and the sincerity of what I have felt about certain people have made me do the most outrageous deeds in the shortest time and on a regular basis. So I needed. So I jumped. So I pay the price.

I drew much attention, and oddly, a ton of Friendster invites after declaring myself in a "In a relationship" state. I rejected invites from complete strangers, lest they introduced themselves in a fashion to my liking. Co-celebrant Val went up to me and relayed to me bits of this growing rumor that I am this newly taken bachelor. I smile and tell him, as I tell all others asking the same sticky question, that I'd rather tell them when everything else is certain. I add that things won't be as abrupt and maybe as ill calculated as the past.

It's always to keep this said than done. Then again, I try and I've learned more than a thing or two about dealing with feelings and prospects about the future.

But why am I still concerned with the hand she has after several months of having laid down my cards on the table? Why am I so concerned with her next move?

The answers can very much debunk my way of viewing things. And maybe it's these possible answers people who rationalize too much that give the distasteful flavor to the alternative to the TRUTH. Because there is no alternative to the truth. And I've spent my life trying to make a statement even to those who have treated me with dubious motives, those who judged me face value, those who have constantly twisted the truth about me and in effect betrayed me.

To say that I consider another way of viewing relationships and take it entirely is just like saying that my life statements are to eventually nullify themselves. Sure, nothing lasts. I give the skeptic that. However, I also dare say that those who remain consistent and in principle (reflecting in praxis) are by this world's standards better off in terms of reputation and credibility. I would not sacrifice that for all the accalades in the world.

So what does this have to do with so much fun and so much chit-chat last night? I don't know. Maybe anchovy got to my brain. Am sick and tired of reasoning. I've tried reasoning, it only bought me some time before denial ensued. I've tried feeling as well, and I think it does a better job at making you feel good about yourself. For what is a great argument if devoid of relevance, or purpose to the beating heart? It is like living a lie.

Just crossed my mind. I remember a friend and feel for him. He once took great measures to be all he could be to this woman, take note, professionals and stable with their lives already. For some time it was sweet. Then she cools off. Then she acts as if she doesn't know him anyomore. Then she shoves him and hits the eject button and poof, he's out. Here comes coco crunch nitwit! I don't know lady what you take yourself for BUT YOU JUST MISSED OUT A LOT. And sure those inclinded to argue may tell me I should have listened to the lady's account. Well sorry, I know them both and I know what history they have. YOU WERE JUST A BREATH AWAY FROM ENGAGEMENT! Lie. A lie in exchange for a truth you can not face because you were busy all years (twenty or even sixty) of your life building walls around you and amassing support from those you think you can grab support from. Then you cluster and divide--- disturbing the supposed harmony.

Allow me to tell you that you might as well rephrase the rhetoric and tell him you're living a lie.

You can't commit. Your idea of love is as farce as the story of man walking on the Sun---because you'll burn before you get there baby!

Tragic.

CONSISTENCY AND PRINCIPLED LEADERSHIP. I just let fools who think of themselves as great by some yardstick swallow these concepts and see who remains standing up. To those who do stand up, all the best. My question: Just how many are left? This country can use this process of elimination to find its soul---that it is full of filthy faces masked by silk cloth.

Reason and feeling. Can they coexist? Am I reasonably emotional? In matters of faith, there can be little convergence. There still can be.

I use reason to help me get the message people direct at me. It takes time. It screws up a lot and wastes time and resources.

I use feeling to help me realize that at the end of the day, I still am worth something---a life's statement committed to change.

AND IF PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT WELL SORRY, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT AND MAKE UP AS MANY B-LINERS AS YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE THE PERSON THAT PEOPLE BELIEVE IN---THAT BEING PAPA BEAR, PAOLO, POPO, SO WHAT HAVE YOU WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

At the end of the day, I won't be the Michelangelo self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because I choose to live my life now

2007-01-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

Came from a screening of Deja Vu, starring Denzel Washington, Val Kilmer and Jim Caviezel. Really did not expect much from the movie apart from a commonly encountered twist and a storyline that is reminiscent of how things are when it comes to plot formulation in the genre. Though much of what I expected did become actuality as I let nearly two hours alone pass; I could not help but bring up certain elements about the movie that still stir in my mind. So anyhows, here's this movie buff again in one of his exploits alone. Did pass by for churchwork for a while before heading to the chilly evening outside.

The flow of events basically evolve around the possibility of bridging the past and present by creating a third-dimensional wormhole that allows objects to pass thru and actually become parts of what happens in the past, even altering the course of the future. A similar movie, of which title I do not recall, shares the proposition that we live in just one reality in a number of dimensional realities. That should we change the past, the stream of time will meander into something else, thus eliminating the supposed future from which the change emanates from. Much like the movie Paycheck which amused me for a time, there is this emphasis on the Einsteinian belief that we time viewing (or seeing things as they happen in the past from the present) being possible. Deja Vu takes it to the next level with a high-tech, high-consuming device that is able to make this concrete change possible via transmission of objects. At the climax of the movie, Denzel himself defies alleged laws of physics and supposed caution to send himself back to the past and save the day. How he does it, just watch the movie. The thrill is worth the payment. And for someone like me who tries his best to mean everything to everyone, being alone for a while is a great thing.

But before I spoil it down with my landsliding tone, I stop to think. The movie somehow creates the message and transmits it in a powerful way. To me it is the question of: "What if all this seemingly ambitious Hollywood science fiction is to become true?" Should this kind of technology be available now, I am certain a number of people will pay a life's fortune to have the chance to cheat destiny (which I do not believe in). I wonder how it is to alter the normal course---the course you have come to know and then live out the past so that it becomes more favorable to you. I wonder how it is to figure out Sir Ambeth's trick question and go back to include the bell item on the thirteen most important events in Philippine history. I wonder how it would be if I had saved enough money for a higher-line cellphone far advance than what I am happily using now. Then it just hit me. This exercise is for those who have regrets in life or are outright masochists wanting more than what they have and should be thankful for.

Yet it still intrigues me. What if I had said the right words and in the right time as the song of Boyzone goes? What if I had the felicitous opportunity to have been there when someone needed company and affection the most? What if I had knowledge to what my life will be in the future so that I can revisit myself and leave pointers for coursing my life?

Then it hit me as it did Ben Affleck in Paycheck...

"If you showed someone his future, he has NO FUTURE." (emphasis proudly mine)

Life will be so simple and so meaningless if we all had the power to violate understood laws and precepts of life so that we do what we want when we want. This is abuse of freedom. This is abuse of knowledge. And bluntly, this is sheer cowardice to face the future as human beings ought to be. But then again, the inevitability of this potential gadget becoming a mainstream device in the far future haunts me.

The temptation to right the past is as threatening as the temptation to go for the kill out of impulse as suicide bombers, politicians, and lovers do. And yet, as chivalry claws its way to my mind, there can be no honor in this. Maybe I and my time are not yet ready for this. Maybe some of my colleagues welcome the idea for the benefit of all. But just imagine the chaos to ensue this discovery. Wow.

As I said, the masochist, the regretful, and the insatiable should be the ones to die for this. For myself, I'd rather keep the mystery and meaning to my existence.

But am ahead of myself. Deja Vu is after all, an operative's story. Benefit of the doubt due, our police can certainly use that kind of information (reminds me now of the Minority Report).

AND EVEN HOPELESS ROMANTICS WHO THINK CHIVALRY CAN BE A FLUID CONCEPT.

Hehehehe...

Congrats to LAE passers. Congrats to everyone for playing their part in this plethora of ideas and experiences we call LIFE---for however one intends to live it out. God bless.

Just hitting the right notes

2007-01-06T20:25:00.000+08:00

The warm winds of the dying down January chill dominates the horizon. The palm leaves cast a grizzly shadow as it bears down the weight of the moonlit sky and the drying adobe in which it is planted and has found good resort for the best of its life. People pass by, and yet only their backs forming a silhouette remind the viewing ongoer of what is to be known. In this crossroad between two giants in the learning institution---one that is the building of stacked books struggling to regain its glory in the days of fast media and multiple alternatives and the other building---a host of General Electives but never really the same as it was in its heyday we find the lovers, with one hardly seen with his arm over the shoulders of one slightly shorter and thinner partner. The valiant knight manages to elude the illusion of the stars, and wins the attention of his damzel. He is smooth in his ways. He breathes life, as seemingly challenging God on the surface, and pulls back on time before all is lost and he makes a wrong move. It is as if everything is calculated. His fair complexion shines with his white polo shirt and classy dark jeans. He is the typical modern day Romeo. We know not what he says, or his exact ways or his exact intentions. The fair lady, with eyes small and lips so amiable, if not embracing, looks into his knight's eyes. She, having been fooled more than once by false suiters and real-day flirts in her life, casts doubt. After three or so seconds, it does evaporate into the dark as if nothing did happen. She tries to triumph over this temporal struggle. She is after all, a strong woman of the times. Chivalry is dead to her, or at the least has morphed into its new form. Failed relationship once and a number of undeserving suiters have educated her, arming her blindingly so now she perceives herself to know much of the world. It truth, she yearns to experience more of this world. She has been fooled anew. Little does she know that chivalry indeed lives on and is in the behest of this man she finds comfort in. The gentleman, aware of the rhetoric of the times past, utters sweet nothingness to the air. To the cynical realist, perhaps this is the peak of nothingess. To the idealist and romanticist however, this is the grand experiment of social dynamism. He is putting to practice time-honored tradition in courtship and he, amusingly, is taking control. He lowers his head to her level. He whispers words of love and of a long future to her. She agrees for the meantime. Nothing is forever, she knows this for a fact. Yet she can't help but look at the past, not some fancied future. She recalls her childish ways. She recalls her once pragmatic outview of love. She had destroyed so many men's view on this before. And yet, this is no longer a matter of what she was, but what she could be. She goes ninenty and baits the man for that warm kiss. Bystanders, used to this undertaking, keep on drinking bottled soda or water to those joggers taking a break. It is the meeting of the sun and moon. It is also, the meeting of two great minds humbled by the invisible power they choose to submit to.

The author then walks by. He takes his attention away and refocuses on the bumpy road near Psychology complex. After all, he hears familiar voices from afar. He laughs and tells himself: "I could have been there. But I choose not to be. My destination is not revealed to me." He finds it rather silly, the very things he seeks in life. Along with him is a book by Rizal and on the other, a book by a Fox reporter on the Iraq War and American security. In his thoughts, work, and perhaps more on its way.

I could be there. I am better than what few prominent ones take me for. I choose not to be trapped in the cage of wishful thought. I am unceasing.

Or at the least, I try.

God, I try.

PS: Wala na talaga akong magawa hahahaha. Am surfing and had to make this all up in ten minutes. Kudos Jose Rizal!

Blurry-eye Nationalism

2006-12-18T09:44:00.000+08:00

When someone, who does not even identify himself and hides behind his profile of propaganda pictures of anti-GMA sloganeering and God damn shallowness, calls you a piece of fuck and a "konyo" (a.k.a. elitist rich kid) for simply taking a position a bit different from theirs---you know nationalism in this country, or at least to certain pathetic groups is outright WRONG.

And what is this basis of being a konyo? You don't even know me. You haven't seen my house. You don't know how hard my parents toil to feed us and still smile when the day is through you ad hominem-lover! Don't misconstrue my formal and smart casual get-up as being konyo. In fairness to you, thanks for thinking I can look this dignified. But please, enough of boxing. 199 has told me that exercise simply is counter-productive.

Call me blown about by emotion, but in truth I wasn't. I laughed upon reading his damn post on my own damn egroup. An offended moderator would have deleted such unfounded derogatory remarks on spot. I wasn't offended. I let it linger there for the members to see what some fanatics of these anti-TFI groups were made of. Whooo! I love sarcasm. A couple of days later, our hard-working orghead made a little disclaimer to this unidentified person. I felt she didn't have to. But I greatly appreciate the response. Two other things that made my general sentiment about UP nationalism resurface this week...and sorry, there's nothing Christmasy about this blog entry.

1. You make an effort to send SMS updates to the entire college and most of the responses, outside plain thank yous, are "take me off your text list, you're disturbing my sleep" and "how can you be this way? no to TFI!"
2. Lantern parade proper (or whatever remained of it) you see a large manila paper with "blah blah kanayunan, mabuhay cpp-npa-ndf!"

And then they make motha f#ck*n AD HOMINEM attacks because you choose not to sloganeer on the streets?! If this is the Left movement in the Philippines, or how SOME misguided members of theirs intend to project themselves then by all means, call me a damn Rightist!!! I can't take their dogma, I can't take all the more their means of getting their point across. Simply disappointing.

Don't get me wrong, I know my fair share of both young and old leaders of these movements. I converse with them and I point out these instances that simply make me laugh. They agree with me. I have faith in these friends of mine, much so the faith that these isolated cases do not become the trend.

Please, UP student should know that attacks on the person, specially ones with no proof, are the weakest form of argument you can present. In debating, it is branded ad hominem and is even STRICKEN OFF THE RECORD. Why? Call it moot and academic.

If you read Nick Joaquin and I agree with him strongly on this: Nationalism should be progressive. It should not be one-eyed, rhetorical, dogmatic, or backward. I loved the remark of a pastor corroborating the great Sionil Jose: NATIONALISM IS NOT INTROVERTED (it isn't inward-looking and then outward-blaming). Enlightenment proceeds as true freedom, true improvement of the human condition to quote sir Pilapil. If this nationalism leads to us be boxed by the dogma of one man in the Netherlands, if it preaches for us to make war and distrust the final hope of the system, if it shouts but whose manners and justification are dubious then the so-called praxis has failed.

I do not wish to question the rhetoric behind the progressive movements of the Philippines. I just want to plead them to look inside and then move on and see how the world works. To consider that capitalism, the very thing some of you so despise, has made empires out of colonial ports. To recognize that being progressive reaches so far an extent to even religion. And I need not cite examples of how something as SIMPLE as true observance, NOT NECESSARILY MAKING THE RELIGION ETHNIC AND NATIONALISTIC,has served countries who now trample us. Christianity and Islam are progressive faiths. It's in the interpretation of them as the tools of the oppressive class that has boxed our nationalists, leading them to sometimes make the Church a supporter of their own rhetoric instead of turning its fervor to improve the lives of its flock.

And please, let's not get started with countries that experienced civil war.

Let's not make the same mistakes we so ardently pointed out after our colonial experience. It is our time to be unbound.

Be unbound.

Our people are a great people bound by tradition and the falsehood ill-conceived liberals seemingly impose at times.

Has the Enlightenment spread to our young country? Moments in history tell us we've had Golden Ages, but no movements leading to a successful end.

And as Tiger Woods says: what separates the great from the good is that the great are able to do it over and over and over again...

We have not.

So I ask myself, what can I do? Perhaps, smile at the weakness of many. Then perhaps inform them on what I think. In the process, may we learn from each other.

And may we excel in whatever occupation we have.

God be my judge and juror.

MERRY and WARM CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(to more work I shall go)

When the Elephant Got Rabies

2006-11-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

Make no mistake about it, most of my principles in life that are driven by a conservative view of the world and society has led to me to believe in the principles of the Grand Old Party---the Republican Party. Make no mistake that in matters of training and stance, I am for more Republican stands than that of a liberal Democratic Party. Perhaps not in an America for the Americans only, but at the least, an America that is strong and able to weigh itself in the international order. Do I say so because I fear a world that is not led by an American hegemony or a perpetrated capitalist mode? Absolutely not. Do I carry disdain for anything that is not American-led and kept? No. Yet make no mistake that in matters of morals and preservation of peace and international balance of power---a strong American balancing act is needed. That is why to me, a supply side change of policy or those of tax cuts is a bit more sound that protectionism that seems to be the tone for the Democrat policy (quote a news report on that). Yet you may ask and question me that I am grounding these on the assumption that the Democrats will make the United States weaker and more vulnerable to attack by being a liberal softie. Not at all though outrightly possible. The Democrats are unsure how they are to carry through the very issues they won with---Iraq, the mass vote of the urban worker etc. So to my mind, it may be a resounding response to the failure of US policy in Iraq resulting to deaths and high expenses rather than a really sound gain on Democrat issues.

A friend will disagree with me on some points here. But am sure he grasps the merits of my argument.

However that is said and done. Bush exposed his weakness. The world pounced on him. The Americans voted. Now there is much a deadlock...now there is all the more confusion. Representation is fair. Sure. But in the guaranteeing of order and keeping those who benefit in line, a dominant group needs to take the helm. It seems that heading to 2008, the Democrats have rebounded from the failed antics of Kerry to the promise of Clinton or Obama. Now they look to claim more seats of power. Each of these parties carry forth traditional tendencies. I guess we'll have to wait and see and hope that these parties do not choose to be monoliths and take stands on issues that sometimes demand consideration of proposals of the opposing party.

The decline of conservatism in the burgeoning postmodernist world is always a point for the liberal. But beware that even what is considered liberal is put to question by the very postmodernist that fights for the freedom to express. Friends, freedom in this new tradition is no longer that to simply express. Now, we have the freedom to define. Imagine that, define and everything else is but a construct. Imagine that. That's a good thing sure. But always remember that whilst in the old times the ultraright meant absolute authority to the few, ultraleft also means anarchy. Remember that to understand human organization, we need to root it on the basics of existence. We need order, we need stability, we need hegemons to help us become in the world progressing to the idealist end. And so instead of cursing at figures of power such as a strong US or China, perhaps we should strive for excellence instead. Instead of cursing at capitalism or communism for the number of faults that are supposed to be buried by their goods, let us use them and tackle issues using an arsenal of principles. Bush failed to listen. And so he failed to launch. Now he has the dilemma of leaving the Arab world in dire straits---and Iraq a new enclave for terrorism instead of a bastion of democracy.

The time of the cowboy will end. Will he be riding to the sunset? Apparently there is the sunset, but rain clouds dominate the horizon. Just as he will fall, so does the world order. What scares me is the uncertainty enveloping the times. And yet why worry if you have much faith in what you can not see? I sigh and take deep breaths. Perhaps. Perhaps. When all this is over, new stars will dominate the skies. And being afraid has no more point.

The elephant just got bit by a dog (which I used for a donkey well since I couldn't come up with a better metaphor). Imagine that. Then imagine how the elephant would carry the enigma of rabies until his dying day. These elections proved to be one of them. Yet neither the big old elephant nor the vigorous dog has provided an America that is itself---one envisioned in its foundation (call it a spade).

And as for the Philippines. Well, something similar is bound to happen. If all go well, the people get their say. In the end, the forces of power are all about the force of men...sometimes few, in these times the majority. In our movement, let us strive to include everyone in this call for fair world under a secure sun and a productive earth. God be your shelter from the coming rain.

The failure to see the world as a forest may just lead to our demise...times are changing and they are as they were told they would be...

Some things I could loose...

2006-10-29T20:33:00.001+08:00

1. 50 pounds
2. Assuming much and as a result, demanding so much from so many people.
3. GC-ness. Need I mention laude is within reach but not quite enough? Haha...
4. Self-pity attitude. Though laude is no longer a possibility (thanks to two 5s in math), one should not wallow. I have committed myself to 12 units of pure effort next sem. The challenge is...I have committed to about five other things the same level.
5. Daydreaming tendencies. I don't want to loose the ability to imagine the good life for me and others I know entirely. I just want to set it aside and live...just live real.
6. Hesitation. I know what I want in life. I just am afraid at times to assert and grab the opportunity. This extends far beyond academic opportunities, by the way.
7. Disinterest in driving. I shall embark on a crash course journey to king of the road heights! There was always something to drive...just the will to drive it.
8. A rough edge in my voice. So I can sing a whole number of songs on my playlist.
9. Being to unrealistically good. In the words of Erika, "maging maalat ka naman." For the good of the rightist order and those I protect and love, I will take the bitter pill of rigidity and responsibility.
10. Papers. I stack readings and notes dating back to as far as grade school. My room is becoming a warehouse of recycable paper!
11. Clothes. Maybe give them to those who need them more.
12. Body sugar. I will loose that weight and all the burdens of my past. And guess what holds after that.

Another successful Council planning...another great great sem ahead. Poof goes the magic of the past semester. Here comes the coming of another dawn, another great day ahead. And need I mention great again?! God speed.

Code Name: Orange

2006-10-21T09:33:00.000+08:00

I read the entry I had before this one and simply laughed at myself and the revelations I said. So this is how it feels to be young and human hahaha. Also did some reviewing of other blogs and felt a bit ashamed that whilst a good number of our foreign counterparts are talking about how to save the world, we rant about our everyday mediocrities. Ha, well my only answer is that we try to be ourselves in our entries and that can encompass several issue areas. It's private space anyhow.

Just the kind of mediocrity after taking 187-exam which to my mind is a real flunk-out. Anyhow...

FIRST DAY OF SEMBREAK! That ofcourse is technically speaking. Actually, I have no break. I have to take a couple of hours of tv and playing NBA Live as my virtual rest and to somehow bring back my energy to a good level. I mean the kind of high created by a couple of seconds of a sweet kiss. And boy did I get mine last Wednesday. Sentimental songs rung around my head as I got a kiss to the cheek and a warm embrace from a dear friend I am letting go of in the time being. I was standing there, after our meeting and last goodbye. For now...for now I always say. She told me she'd make me best man. I told her in response that the groom usually picks best man. She then says she'll impose it. We fool around and all. I'd rather not talk about it. I told a good friend of mine not to get started with hallucinations of us being together. Hahaha...though thanks for cheering me up. But when you've already talked about this long before hand, such suggestions become something to cheer us than disturb us overall.

Of all my great experiences with friends, why can't I have just one with "the one"?

Patience...I need you more than ever. The chilling cold of October nights bring back memories of the not-so-distant and a vision of what could have been. Then snap, the frost melts away as I shake my hand and bend over only to recover sight and see things the way they are. These things are back in place and I can't dream in real time again. Why can't I have that moment? Is it a matter of not yet? I hope it is. And if it be a matter of never, then I might as well justify every sweet sensation, every tickle to the spine when I think of my memories and my visions. They are the only things I have about her, them, myself...the moment.

For now I keep these thoughts to myself and to Jonathan Harris' time capsule project... http://timecapsule.yahoo.com/capsule.php...haha at least my thoughts get beamed to outer space and get archived for future generations of human beings and aliens to read....

Last time around I talked about how Emma Watson drove me nuts. She still does. That's why we guys have the luxury of having crushes and still be considered civil about it. Man, she looked like a full-fledged adolescent in her magazine cover shot. I think I really have it bad. And since I've pushed the envelope on these confessions, might as well go for more. The other of my short list (and I don't have a crush on someone that easily...I don't want standards but I think we all have our own boundaries) of crushes and icons of ideal women contains a woman by the name of Jennifer Garner. Again, sure I give the reader that she is beautiful, she has a great body not to mention a bounce to her step if you get what I am trying to illustrate. She's like a ramp model, and yet at one point she looks like a country girl in a cowboy hat. Get that? A very simple soul with a smile that can complicate the most unaffected glance. I was devastated when I learned she and Ben Affleck were made. But man I just adore her! She's a soft-spoken, captivating-smiling, modest and humble soul. I guess I just had to be happy seeing her with her daughter Violet. Haha, I feel for her as if we knew each other and as if she cared for me.

I always imagine the perfect incident. The time my damzel is in distress and here enters me with the sweetest of words and the heartfelt of emotions. Call me pragmatist. Be cynical about my chances. In my defense, it is in these making up of instances that will never happen like when I break her fall or when I have great conversation in Jollibee...or my idea of us (whoever "we" are) working for an international organization. Oh, Paolo, you can do better than that..."Pao sira ka talaga"...I'd prefer sira...

Hey, dreaming is for free right?

I feel like I'm in code orange right now. The state wherein the United States should kick the hell out of North Korea but would go multilateral instead which I think is a good strategy though the blabbering won't really bring in the goods. The state of being almost there but what the heck, I have more to think of...

That's code orange, it's not as pressing as red nor is it as bland as yellow.

Code orange is being excited that Sir Kraft is a couple of weeks away but knowing your taking a readings class with him. Code orange is knowing you can't be cum laude anymore but you couldn't care nonetheless and you want to make your last semester a testimony as if to say....take that!!! Hahaha...

I have this sense of urgency. I drink coffee and eat iced cookies and cream. I pulpitate and wonder I took in. Hmmm, maybe because a ton of work is but a breath away... I love it. I have no plans... God help me...whooo!

Spirited Encounters with the Third Kind

2006-10-07T17:28:00.000+08:00

Am presently slaving the hours away waiting for a video editing session to commence here in a relatively secluded internet cafe in Katipunan Avenue. And though I do like that the airconditioning unit is 5 meters behind me chilling my hands until typing becomes such a chore and that the ambience is rather ambient, subtle, and encouraging, I can not escape from facts of my life that call out from the Third Kind. What is the Third Kind of Paolo Sanchez? Amusingly the Third Kind refers to a side of me I've known since time in memoriam. What is of interest to me is that it has never been a part of me for the longest time. Do you get my meaning? This is the phase of my life I dare not call teenage crisis or adolescent penance for the wrongs of the past because frankly I can not recall one of that gravity to impact my being. It's the lull I suppose between youthful childish play and all the reverence granted to adult life. Not but recently have I been able to feel this.

Call it the calm before the storm. Call it calm in the face of pressure. I feel so unfazed by so many things that mount around cluttered in my mind waiting for godsent attention to save me from them. Funny is, I force myself to get a grip of them and do something about it but I can't. And I'm actually smiling because I don't want to do a thing about these papers, these exams, these issues, these other work. Truth be told, I don't want them tonight. I don't want to do a thing about them.

I want to be all light and bubbly this day. I want to drape around me an aura of youth unbent by compromising with the duties set forth by the world. But I can't force myself to. And though there is much energy, perhaps my reserve fuel for the last semestral push, I can't seem to find a way to channel them to work. How can this be?

I start the day right. Iced chocolate drink and longanisa and eggs to kick things off. I browse through the daily paper. Upon getting dragged around by the Subic Rape Case and a bit on Ashton Kutcher and The Guardian, I get garlic toast and watch tv. Seeing that Van Helsing, one of my more favorite movies, was to air in Cinemax sometime lunch time made me snap my fingers in disgust. I scan the entire lineup of channels before landing CNN. Nothing new. All Republican trouble in the US and more nuke tests for North Korea up north. Hitting the second enclave of boredom, my mind tells me that there is another idiot box in the Personal Computer. I go online, thank Dr. Carlos for taking in my paper at first submission and then check a number of my Internet accounts. Nothing new. Everything a routine. The third enclave is fast approaching. I hit the breaks for more and look into my scribbled and disorganized planner. "Meeting with volunteer org 10am" I become so abnoxious about things that I find no reason to include the name of the org. To me, too many names and too much to do about everything is all and fine enough for anything else to be established in my faculties. This will be a day for reckoning anew.

Then my sister's poster of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire's image popped out of nowhere. Geesh. I was hit hard. I look outside, my usual antic to get a grip of my thoughts. I go to Google and search up Emma Watson images on the net. I take a look and sigh. I need not maximize the shots. She looks dazzling and so beautiful from afar. God I love to just stare at the screen and my crush. I've loved that girl since the first flick when she was this cute smartypants. I understood thenon she would be some woman someday. She had character. She had brains. She had a humble and selfless attitude. I should know, I read through her profile in fan sites and news articles. When I saw pictures of her drinking alcohol at sucha young age I told myself that she must have understood what she was doing. Paparazzi does this to celebrities. When I learned her parents divorced, I felt sorry and knew something like this or worse may happen. Time flew by so quickly. But while staring at Emma, I was like totally out of touch with everything. Mom went out to do the grocery. Pa was attending to the car. But all that matter then was Emma. I don't know why. But I felt so good about it. Bah, but I had a meeting come 10! I spent an hour playing NBA Live 2007 beating the hell out of Seattle with my Lakers (though I'm a fan of both teams)with Kobe, Lamar and my newly acquired Dwight Howard. Ha, take that! I was so into it that at times I paid no attention to what Marv Albert and Steve Kerr were repeatedly ranting about with Seattle's defense. I did commentaries myself. I was ACTUALLY TALKING TO MYSELF FOR PLEASURE AGAIN! I talk to myself occassionally to utter something to myself or to say a prayer on the road. This was absolutely something of the Third Kind! Damn it! Then let's go reinforce this happiness when my Atenean friend called up again. That short but really outright heartwarming conversation was followed up by another Atenean, this time, one I met in summer camp back in high school. I told him I had to pass on another hoop game because of my bad knee and well, my out-of-condition state. I mean, I don't know how to dribble anymore. I think rebounding is still there and my running one-man-hit-you-down-pressure defense is still in my playbook. But no more spin moves. No more diving for the ball. Shucks!

I spend lunch in Greenbelt, taking a peak at the latest Sony Ericsson phone models and Acer laptops. Okay OKay. Am a brand conscious, no money techy guy. But hey, though window shopping is one thing I can not put up with (I don't like going to malls without money and purpose); I can live with eye candy. Then I end up the meeting and go to KFC for a burger. I take a smooth MRT ride thinking of my EEE project. Yes, it's all coming back again! Third Kind save MEEE!!!! YES! I buy damn adobong mani and eat them walking out Araneta Center. Last time I ate on the road? Don't ask. Last time I ate adobong mani? Recently naman pero heck, iba feeling pag nilalagok mo yung mani sa wrapper. Sure I know they put preservatives on them peanuts to give the crunchy effect and all, but I'd rather take in the oil!!!!

I hail a cab and go to Katipunan for video editing, 4pm. Na-virus sila! Balik daw 7pm. Third Kind save me!!! And here I am. A rather productive and mind-easing Saturday about to unwind. My parents were inviting me for a movie trip to watch The Departed. I want to see the movie. DO I need it? Yes, been a long time since I've been inspired by a film. I here the acting's intense. OK. That's enough reason to. Martin Scorcese films always earn that ooohhhhh factor from me.

Am looking forward to more of the Third Kind tonight. How sure am I? I'm listening to the Spirit of Christmas by Jose Mari Chan! And am humming with a smile. For some reason, am getting the second wind. Exams. Papers. Council work. Org work. BUndok lang sagot ko sa inyo. Our youth ministry is looking to sponsor a filming of Happy Feet on the 24th sa Blue Wave cinemas, Marikina. I sure want to seet that baby! They're so cute. I like the animated choreography. I go join a prayer chain thereafter. Council goes up or down to Tagaytay to planning on the 27th. November? Guess what? Adidas sale and registration week preparations.

I sigh and take a good look at things I've done and failed to do. God, definitely not me or anyone else, is telling me the beauty of things from the Third Kind. Issues are corny in this realm. Politics is just something out there. Work is a dead man's curse. Ang look o, am typing another long blog. Isn't this me or what?

I'm having a spirited encounter with the Third Kind. This is definitely and by all proportions more than that corny clicheish concept of "moving on". There's this question as to from what. From what am I moving on? Uhm, nada. I qualify things according to substance and significance. Aside from one very small thing I should have let go at first point, but did not, I can't put to mind another straining event I can use as reference. And though I have my opinion on that matter, I'd prefer wearing a smile and thinking that it ain't right. The timing, the context, the crime...foolish impulsive me. But then again, I profess my hopeless romanticism and say that it was all worth it. To me it was. Basically, my emotions were just clouding the sharpness of my mind, the response of my body, the control of my soul. Emotions, emotions, a curse at times to be a sensitive person.

For now, am looking at Emma Watson again. She could be my daughter...but now, God, she could be my wife! WAHAHAHAHAHA! Pulling my leg again.

I LOVE IT. I am able to stare people in the eye. As I told Kristian and Patrick , I am on higher ground in this issue. Now I know, this perfect position isn't so in only one area of my life. And people can start making the difference only when they have sorted these things out. To my happiness, I've been able to make the difference and mean something to many people while I've struggled with the realities I have to deal with. And if this be the measure of my fortitude, so be it.

I 've always had my fortress and my tower. I was just too busy looking around to not seek shelter in it. Now my Third Kind calls to me. I know I can be someone to anyone. And as my Atenean gal pal told me: "Just believe that what you tell yourself is more than pleasant fiction. Believe Pao because I'm pretty sure that things will come to place for you. Awwww Pao, I'd hate to leave for America with you like this. I'll call you ayt? " I tell her that I do believe and she need not worry that at times I look tired and lost. She replies: "That's good to hear Pao. Listen, am not saying these things to make you feel good about yourself ha. I'll pray for you bro, and sana, kaw rin kasi tingin ko I'll need a lot of it." We end with a few jokes and stuff...

And Kristian, there can be no better position in a relationship than this. What you think I should do, we have deemed unthinkable at the present. Hahaha. Just laugh when you see my eyes drifing afar ayt?

Dedications:

Grai---seeing you perky and sweet makes me perky and sweet and huggable.
Mau---yes, I did use qualitative but to back up my quanti. God bless.
Kristian---nasabi ko na lahat sa blog na to
Jason---gumimik tayo sometime
Nyl---isa ka pa bro, usap tayo
Zen---high (isipin mo na lang ako si Sir Butch)
Catya---CAPTAIN SMITH!!!
Isha---gumaganda ka
Faiva---kaw rin...ganyan talaga pag genuine ang saya
Celine---sweet sweet Celine, kawalan niya yun
Malou---go econ!
Louie---awww, buwee!!!
Mayette---hmp, reformat ng cel? baka bago?
Ann---new move, new move!
Farrah---magna ka na after this sem, teka...since day one pa pala
Patrick---how's 186?
Val---ooohhooooo!!! balita ko tooooot
Jal---nice pics
Dom---am one with your cause, go lang nang go in the defense
sa iba pang mahal ko--- GOD SPEED SA MGA EXAMS!!!and i mean, speed wahahahaha!!!
sa KONSEHONG MALUFET---alam niyo na yan. mangabog tayo sa GASC...wahahahaha!!!!
sa mundo---keep on spinning, kasi pag hindi, deadbol na tayong lahat wahahahahaha!!!

God brings rain to the driest of ground. While the rain isn't around yet, wait and appreciate that underneath there is ground water.

Here's to a long night of editing video.

In defense of what I think is "right"

2006-10-04T20:24:00.000+08:00

"One of the greatest things I learned at UP was that the middle stance as the correct stance, is well...a funny assertion. A blind man's perspective. A joker's. "Middle" denotes balance and equality. Can the Right ever be equal with the Left? Only in mathematical equations. Never in social reality. The Right has arms and might, while the Left derives its might only from being on the democratic side. "Middle" is only for referees in a boxing fight.

Ensure the safety of the top military official of the land by searching students' bags? Hello? is this UP? Golly, I salute those who still attended the forum despite the searches. Why would I want the organizers to peep into my lunchbox or know how many coins I've got left in my bag ?

A student organization trying to ensure the safety of the top military official? Has everyone in this university gone mad? I bet the General went there with enough bullets to finish off everyone who was at the UP campus on that day. When you've got a lot of enemies, you don't walk around with just a sandwich in your bag.

My dear pol sci majors, you've got a terribly disturbing view of the world. Maybe you're reading the wrong political science books. Or are listening to the wrong professors. Try reading Mao Tse Tung once in a while. He's the demon incarnate to many people. But there's at least a line or two in his writings that will make you cry. Read him to find out why." --------quoted from an alumnus in a web forum

Simple notes:
1. While your stereotypical definition of what is Left and Right is indeed in consonance with how the mainstream views what is Left and what is Right, I think you are being prejudicial when you asserted who is for power and might as against who is for democracy. It somehow implies who is simply oppressor and who is victim basically because you have tilted the balance of power in favor of those who have guns and legal positions. Perhaps this fuels all the more what is justification for the passionate activism of your glory days being capable of throwing things more than eggs. And perhaps you might add that you want those who fight in this way to feel good about themselves. You're entitled to that. However I disagree with how you stick to your prejudiced stance. The fault of some authors in our rich literature lies not in their passion for writing, it is in what they write about. And the fault in this case is the branding of what is Right and what is Left as if it were black and white. This can never be. As you of all people should know this history, great leaders of the Left were not hesitant to employ the ways of the Right once they got in power. In the same way, we find that not all Medieval characters associated with the conservative Right advocated the use of the sword and in fact were considered benevolent in their time. The reason why there is the center-left or the center-right is not because these people have not guts or mind to make a stand. It is moreso that they are contemplating on the pros and cons of the issue and tend to lean towards one over the other. No one is absolutely Left or Right. So don't label these reflective people as apathetic or criticizing their brand of activism. Perhaps you were using such analogy just for the specific instance of Esperon with no intention of generalizing. Granted, however when you try to mix it up with SOPs such as checking of bags and practices society accepts for its own good, I don't think you're being all too democratic now. Laws are by the people and for the people. Sure that is the ideal, but hey, most of our laws are not taken and burned in the parliament of the street. I wonder why. Maybe it is because people see it for their own good. That's democracy. That's the law. That's the standard practice. So let's not bark that loudly and label acts as something Right and Left because, heck, no one is completely Left or Right. It's just a preference, an inclination on issue areas. Even in this case, SOP is Right because its interest is the protection of power and it is conducted with the use of threat. However, its intent...to protect the people and advance common practice and interest I think is what's so beautiful about the Left. And no, I need no Marx to find that out for myself.

2. What's so wrong with having your bag checked? You feel violated? You feel UP is under attack because someone has your bag checked? As for those brave souls who attended the forum, some of them did not hesitate and comment on the bag-checking. How cute. Again, what's so annoying about the SOP? What makes your head turn and your hears to flap everytime you see things or hear things you think is equal to trampling on your rights? Geesh. I do not want to generalize members of your movement. I know a lot of them and I respect their ardent views on the matter. And they respect mine. They respect that when they are on my turf, I tell them of what to expect and what not to do about it. The forum and other such situations and conditions are always a creation of somebody else. You're just a player. You are not God carrying your omnipotence around and having an answer to everything. You may not like the rules of the turf or may actually do. Do you throw eggs? No. Oh sure Esperon deserved the eggs. However I say again that it is not all about you this time. It's about UP. Mind you, UP as an institution needs all that good media it could get, forgive the sarcasm. Its reputation precedes it and it has not always been clear and bright. So do not argue that UP is UP and people should expect to be treated that way in UP. We're better than that. We are a melting pot of ideas. And to my recollection, ideas can kill but only when the thinker allows the idea to. It's about your rights ending when some other person's rights begin. Respect. Decency. Being proper. Let's not throw these out the window. Not especially when both movements, the Left and Right theorists, seek this kind of world at the end of the struggle. Let not our ways be the mere prism of how we are judged. Let not our ways be the downfall of our person. Let not our ways be all that we think we are. Restraint friend. Freedom, whatever form that may be, comes for a price. And sometimes, what are proper and decent have to set the boundaries. In the end, we live happier than we do without it. The good life, right? Touche.

3. I am glad at the rallying of a lot of Political Science majors behind their stand on the issue. That is regardless of what they thought about it. We may never agree at one time, but at least we know our convictions. Even if this demands we go beyond party lines and embrace a position we all think should be the appropriate one. Again, in a world of anarchy, let those that bring good prevail. Being proper. Being appropriate. I am proud of my discipline and the people that have made it so. We are not being poisoned in this department to be administration hooligans and Maoist cyborgs. We are instead disturbed, twisted, bent to the point of breaking so that we do not come up with labels like admin hooligans and Maoist cyborg without proof and reason. Scholarship advances in such painful ways. It does not compromise. It bears only the truth. And when it no longer does, then it is not scholarship but some propaganda. Sadly, the Left and the Right employ such pragmatic tactics to their liking. It is the challenge then to Political Scientists to correct the praxis by reverting back to the ideal and the fundamental. Not even Macchiavelli can be all that bad. He can be idealist as well. We are trying our best to defend this scholarship as if it were the only thing we could own. Matter of opinion, it is the only one of few things that can last. (Haha, love can be another) So we read books. So we make our position after careful weighing. Disagree if you may but do not use assumptions and fallacious arguments simply because your action was proven wrong and you think you're right. Put a stopper to it when you have to.

The night is long and my sleepless nights rage on. Three days. This has been the worse I've undergone. Here's to the fourth and fifth night! Thank God for re-schedules! Thank God for good company. Thank God for your ideas, all of them.

Thank God for Political Science. And yes, God was the first politician. When He decided to share the power to live and become, He made the first ideal political decision. He chose to share, not keep all things to Himself. He knows us all too well and at times it's unfair. However I argue, what's the point of enjoying all good things in life when you're not alive. He gave us life and this chance at eternity. I think that is unfair to Him as well. But He did not think so. Maybe we shouldn't as well.

Jesus Christ was an activist Himself. Agree with me on Him after reading the crappy history of the Da Vinci Code or not, he lived. Disagree or not, he was the Left and the Right personified. Unfair that we can't be him. We don't have to be.

Scholarship advances is such a beautiful way. Pick your tools. Pick your prisms. One can never be the answer to everything. I've chosen mine.

Silent senseless whispers end tonight

2006-09-27T20:48:00.001+08:00

Incoherence is my middle name

2006-09-27T11:14:00.000+08:00

I have to admit that when I compose my blog entries, I do so with little thought on form and structure. Haha, I now laugh at the number of unorganized ideas, prolonged stories, and gramatically wrong statements I have hoisted into text for your viewing pleasure...I wish hehe.

But I guess that's just me. Am still as emotional as I try to be objective (to however objective can be described) and rational in my account of events and issues that matter to me and in a way those I care about.

I recall times I had as a news editor, features writer, opinion columnist and poetry contributor for our high school paper. I was particularly fond of making standard short poems with rhyme and measure in twenty minutes just to meet the deadline. It was fun beating the deadline, but also more on drafting and reading the poems once they got published. Amazing how critical writing and creative writing don't usually go hand-in-hand. Nowadays, specially in the behavioralist framework, rigidity and validity in the study is as so in the form and structure of paper-writing. All and well with me. However, substantially suffers and so technical writing is not what 199 should be about. And I am grateful that this university is not like that in training future scholars. I've seen beautiful exceptions such as the case in our 199 thesis proposal wherein Dr. Carlos demanded an anecdote from us to serve as an introduction to the introduction to the paper. I must say that I like the balance of literary profoundness and academic shrewdness in writing in that proposal. After all, a paper is useless and deemed meaningless if it does not have relevance or any declared significance to the author.

Being someone who believes too much in the power of structures and order, I am at fault in being too disciplinarian with fellow members of organizations and other formations. I have this knack for detail, much like how I want any story to be narrated in detail, or what is regarded as the postmodern obsessive compulsive workaholic. Though I contest my being workaholic because to my mind am not that yet; I do not contest my being rigid and legalist. Well, to me, laws and policies are there to preserve order in a world of anarchic rule or that of social dynamism. We have to have order. Our nature as human beings demand that we have order or suffer chaos. Hehe, the kind of chaos I have with the incoherence of my thoughts. Out of this need, this want of an ideal world that is characterized as one with perfect harmony and order, societies craft lwas and ordinances that formalize mainstream practices or views of society. And for this reason, there is a corresponding need to highlight morality and all things proper and decent. Ofcourse there is trouble in defining what is proper and decent as no one, not even the elites, have monopoly over the use. But in consensual terms, we need to preserve society through value systems we have created to benefit us. And mind you, if you believe the means justify the ends, then you should not advocate such egg throwing, mud hurling, and word lashing at distinguished men in uniform. This for the simple reason that there is authority and credibility to a certain extent behind the name and the person. And not unless we intend plan on gradually destroying the walls created by such word as proper and decent, should we find an excuse for being disrespectful and use fire with fire tactics. I was there and I myself was left appalled. I read Sir Magno, I read the APSM statement, I read the Collegian counter-statement to the countered CNS statement by APSM. In short, I saw both sides of the coin and I made my choice using this prism. Believe me, even those in the Collegian are not fully one in this issue, I guess even those on the other side aren't as well. And in the subject of labeling, I think it is fair that one be called communist if this one has been so reckless in calling the other fascist and definitely, the vice-versa applies. I think I have to make these things clear before I go on talk about something else. Yes, incoherence is my middle name. Yes, I feel good about what I am talking about.

So this Atenean childhood friend of mine called up to say hello. Goosebumps again. I'm susceptible to these feelings. I entertain their tickle and I shiver in the process. Maybe I missed her so badly after much fun we had after that dinner at Max couple or so days back. Maybe tis' because she makes me hear things I've longed to hear from other people. How self-serving. You know that one is your friend when you know it. She makes you feel good. She can make you feel bad. That's how it goes and I love the interaction. We talked about nothing that much really. Had to visit the constructed CSSPSC website for administrative review after that. But still, I thank her for being there to aid me when I am this shallow, this disjointed, this incoherent in this area of my life---amazingly, just this one area called love life. hahaha, I know I know. But tis' nice to talk about once in a while.

And since incoherence is my middle name, I think juxtaposing people and ideas to save me from my thoughts sounds nice and appropriate. Ofcourse, a prayer is in order. God be the source of clarity in your life.

Here they come, the beautiful ones

2006-09-24T10:16:00.000+08:00

Katsumoto nearing death in the movie The Last Samurai remarked as he looked into the cherry blossoms falling: "Perfect...They are all perfect."

And though everything that was in the past week can not be encapsulated by the claim of a dying hero; such words can still make sense in the burgeoning moments of emotional highs and few times that should matter.

Nothing could be worse than what happened after the successful APSM forum on Conflict and Economic Development. To put simply, one could never have absolute freedom, EVEN within the hallowed grounds of the university. Academic freedom should not be seen as freedom or exemption at the least from the laws and standard operating procedures and practices that govern this country. Lest they are vexing me and the audience for some other point, I see no reason why one go callously fire so many irrelevant questions at the Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces. I could forgive the apparently misinterpretation of my discussion by, of all disciplines, a Sociology professor on the non-functionalism of society. If I may say, she was putting words in my mind and making clear the points I raised. So thank you.

What I could not forgive was what they did to the AFP general. Sure, UP is a forum, a melting pot of ideas. Yet elements within the university, disguising themselves, perhaps the cure of Philippine society and the way to go are destroying the hallowdness of free discourse by breaking the laws and simply showing utmost disrespect.

I do not mean all. I mean those unidentified students and several students inside the CM Recto. Irreconcilable that they argue the oppression, if true, against them be put to stop if they themselves fight fire with fire. And in fairness to Gen. Esperon, he had every bit of what can be exacted to an appropriate answer to every inquiry of our USC Chairperson. The man was being gentleman. His troops, our troops, were calm and restrained as some members of the body were implicitly lashing at the institution and the order of things. Perhaps it is worth saying. But in a world of order and decency (to however you want to define it), the manner of conducting yourself matters a lot in how you are perceived and dealt with.

Even in liberal Europe and US, people who attack governments in such disrespectful manner and approach as throwing eggs at a military convoy are those who consider themselves as activists. If this is activist, if this is decorum, then I don't see why not activists are oftentimes associated with destabilizers and even terrorists. The latter claim again coming from the fact (again, define it however you want to as a pragmatist would) that purging within the leftist ranks is widespread. Heck, those who reject the dogma of one Jose Ma. Sison are on the hitlist. Now, if that isn't paramilitary action to you, I do not know what is. Simply put, do not argue that you are being stabbed in the front whilst your left hand has a knife and the right has a gun hidden at your back. Don't come to forums with the arrogance of cleaning hands unless you can say you are completely sinless.

Let the one who hath not sinned cast the first stone...

Respect. Restraint. Responsibility. Freedom comes for a price.

Other speakers well really into the debate, specially Dr. Alburo and Mam. Ferrer. I and fellow reactor, Ms. Mara Baviera felt that we really did not belong to such panel of esteemed personalities.

On to the matter that made me state Katsumoto's inspiring words. Everyone was beautiful and at their best yesterday during the graduation picture photo shoot. And though I did not feel the aura of finishing, I did feel teary-eyed inside seeing how we have progressed into well-rounded and decent men and women. If this be the hope of the country, all things being equal, I bet my bottom dollar that positive change can be so imminent. We were just high school graduates searching for a life back then. Now, we carry ourselves with pride and reason backed up by hope. Such manifests in the face of one. My indicators? Radiance beaming from head to toe. Body language that is refined and scheduled. Change from one haggard-looking student to one of grace ready to make men turn their heads 360 to the point of breaking. As for me, all I had to do was look around or look straight. Hehe, Gaius Julius Ceasar was right when he said that I came, I saw and I conquered. I was myself, though conscious at times of people and events. Homework did not exist. Issues did not exist. Sir Reb was also right, there is a time warp in here. And it warped from 2pm to 2am. I was so happy not really that I was looking so unlike me, but that everyone else was also at their best.

I need not name names. They themselves knew who were the standouts.

And may I remark that I won't be eating at Shakeys for some time. Lunch and dinner there were just too much a fill.

I told Celine that chewing your food to the last crumb really gives you the feeling that you are stuffed and that I realized or rediscovered that just then. In my world of fast food, everything is like swallowing hard and getting out of that seat soonest. Dinner was great. Outside issues on the forum and 199 woes and praises, I (came in late), Grai (rebounding and ever perky), Celine (really looked exquisite more than different), Farrah (she was oftentimes regarded by these words: "Ang ganda niya."), Louie (simple but Harry Potterish), Ann (we did the alternating wave move), Mau (gave me too much credit to me and my abilities but thanks a lot nonetheless =)), Jaja (whom I will treat this Thursday) and Badette (real great effort of waiting for all of us to finish) (oh yeah Erika Mayoni who is now more into love caught up) were in a good mood of sorts. And I mean of sorts.

The Council and friends were a blast. With so many costumes, our theme had to be: DIVERSITY!!!

My "date" with my Atenean child pal was great. Yes indeed. Memories, catching up, and a bit of teasing here and there. I gave her comforting advice on how to deal with relationships as I knew she was a real prize for having beauty, brains, character and a bit frank to her, wealth hahaha. She helped me out with mine. And though I told her I do not think of such things until God's time, she told me to expect the unexpected. I told her that I have been and will be. Put short, it was all good. We won't be seeing each other for some time, and with our schedules, SMS messaging won't be a frequent chore as well.

It's all good.

All that given, everything is beautiful. And if that could be close to what is perfect. I say, I'd settle for the ideal.

Fisherfolk

2006-09-17T16:45:00.000+08:00

Ahhhh yes, breathing in the free air of being free. As hard a point I had to make last week in office, to every form of freedom there follows responsibility.

You have the freedom to not study, but you have the responsibility of feeding yourself.

You have the freedom to love, but you have the responsibility of reciprocating that love.

You have the freedom to spy on someone's public documents like for example this blog (how ironic), but you have the responsibility of interpreting the content intelligibly and without malice.

You have the freedom to steal a pen without permission, but you have the responsibility to be answerable to the law that govern that pen and the place of commission.

Plain and simple, you can't have it all...you have to give a lot and trust me a lot in this world.

Just like what I was doing just about minutes ago, watching the Ateneo-Adamson showdown and looking for a friend. Had a simple way of finding her, she looks darn beautiful that she stands out in the crowd. Haha, freedom to look indeed. Anyhow, there is this guiltless feeling in being single and being young. For now, I think I like the role of being the guy who tells someone: "I told you so." Back to the matter, I did find her in her Ateneo jersey and her captivating smile. So I send her an sms telling her "Told you so. You're just too good for the naive cameraman to ignore." She replied with a smiley which could mean a lof of things: (1) I agree. (2) Thanks. (3) Uhuh, now you're pulling my leg. and (4)Am busy having chowtime with friends to add anything else to that smiley.

It's all good in la-la land. Oh yeah, did my research and found out that Batang-Batang is in fact a barangay or a political unit in Tarlac City. I know quite a few people who hail from Tarlac. And I have contrasting experiences with them. Hehe.

Though I hate playing that part of being smarty pants and love doctor. I have difficulty listening to people nowadays. In communication, you be quick to listen and slow to speak. Sometimes, I am not that calculating listener. You see, when someone opens up intimate details about themselves such as this friend from PolSci whom I have hidden (not so much anymore) conversations with, you get the feeling you are on higher ground. Which most of the time is the case. She wants unsolicited advice on something say 199 matters and I give something she could use. Point being, you are on top with a smile and seemingly all the right answers in the world when she just needed some comfort all along.

I want to be the fisherfolk of men. Someone who isn't as brash as the speechwriter of the Pope or hope not, the Pope himself to make declarations on Muslims and wash hands clean later. Oh by the way, I do not subscribe to the infallibility doctrine. What I do believe is the doctrine of humility of being man which does not make man lesser of a man but more dignified a man. Get the pic?

I want to have mastery of communications---the arts. The ability to convey a message to a crowd with such fiery display but be able to morph into an endearing character who is able to listen before coming up with the whole enchalada of reckless and imprudent words. In short, to be the perfect company.

We go defend our predicates this Wednesday in 199 class with Dr. Carlos. I hope and pray I have gone as far as I should in dealing with my topic. However, another defense is currently playing on my mind. This is the defense of a cause. I am leader of a CWTS2 class in charge of environment projects. I am tasked to present a paper which should contain viable alternative mechanisms for maintaining community cleanliness. Honestly, I prefer giving them a book instead of a collaborative paper. I just pray we get the message across and that's for them to realize that all the shouting in the streets won't make your day if you go home to a depressing sight back home. Inside manifests outside I would like to add.

For now, hehe, my Atenean gal pal of sorts whom I find really a good laugh specially now, and I have to go online and talk about our academic lives. Boy is she a catch. However, I myself have made it crystal clear to her that we have gone too far to go further. Meaning, we are best off as friends as we always have been. Sis, my thoughts go out to you. Easy on the melon shake. I'm dying for one too.

Some of us are better of as friends. Others, as others haha. Granted that these be the constraints the rules of governing social dynamics impinge on us; I say we live accordingly and wait for the appropriate time for virtually everything.

Fishes are swimming in the sea. Fisherfolk decide to be one with them or be their worst nightmare. I have made mine. Have you made yours?

Too much credit

2006-09-13T14:38:00.000+08:00

Some people in the university occasionally make the mistake of association. For example, I've encountered such lapses in the scholarship associating me for admiring much in the United States' rise to power as to being (1) a Zionist, (2) a neorightist and (3) someone who kisses Bush's right hand.

Admiring an entity for its history and its rise to power does not make one admire how it conducts its business in the present nor its character in all aspects. Surely, when I make statements I am biased by my vision of America and its roots in Tocqueville's works, more in Paul Bunyan's Pilgrim Progress. Just a tragedy that even Americans themselves fail in the discovery of their glorious past (having considered the payback). However, much of the United States' history can be painted in black after their romantic independence and when they began expansionary actions into the West. Let's admit it, their occupation tactics were not always well-conceived nor well-received. Then there is the Civil War and the inhumane discrimination of the minorities which until today puzzles me. The World Wars were more or less some way for them to spin the wheels of mass production and gain in the end being the outright "victor". Then there's the Cold War and the present-day campaigns.

In these events in history, I find the flaws of America and the materialist American dream. And yet, can I entirely blame their leadership? Argument being, no one is exempt from the spoils of power. How can these haters of capitalism and the concept of the West based merely on historical account call themselves scholarly? They have passed judgment and have rendered the world irreparable. If you hate someone solely on what he has done to you in the past or how he looks in the present, then you are either not thinking your position over or you are simply being biased.

I am no pro-West, pro-capitalist reign, man. What I am is someone attempting to bring about revolutionary change. This is not something that is dreamt of and won't last in the end. This is real change and real revolution. And to have even the ability to whisper of this ideal of the world, you have to consider as many goods to as many bads in anything.

You therefore can not make claims that the US should be brought down simply because this administration is very much a follower of US dictates out of practical reasons. Hey they're just being Macchiavellian. Don't give them all the credit.

The fatal flaw of some of people who shout in the streets (I am not generalizing) is their uncanny sense of wanting things to be seen their way, done their way, led by them and for them. Uhm, hmmm, the people have spoken. Where were you in EDSA 1 and 2? And oh yeah, why is it that the people have reservations when the opposition align themselves with your people's army and your personalities? So you now call the middle class dumb? And why do you now include the middle classes in your rhetoric? Are they one with your cause? Oh come on, ELITE RULE??? BACKWARD SOCIETY??? FEUDAL ORDER??? Geesh. Glad I acknowledge pluralism as a way to be.

Glad to acknowledge multi-perspective activism. As I said in an earlier blog, don't blame someone who has a prick in his eye when you have a logjam in yours.

I long for the activism of the past, when it was real and the methods employed then were relevant to the times. Now, activism could not connect. The youth are preoccupied with something else, and it shows. Oh shoot blame capitalism and the fast way of life. Haha, it's never about you, it's always about capitalism, the West, the indifferent people.

The challenge of relevance stares us in the eyes and we choose to go for convenience. People of that sort get left out. Then they want to pass the cross to those who want to make a living.

Our beloved Council brought to discussion China being a hegemon in the near future. Scholars say no. Some members of the Council say no. However, I put to question a la Ms. Joya : What if? Realism isn't dead folks. Once you accumulate nukes, you impose your will on the South China Sea, you veto because old ally up in NoKor thinks otherwise, once you rule the economy...who's to stop you?

They can preach about the US bullying them and all, but hey, they're time hasn't come yet. What if, what if.

The United States waited for a world war. There's no telling when someone like China will position themselves vis-a-vis a "declining US hegemony" (which I also challenge).

Am no Sino-hater and US-lover. I admire traits in their cultures that I think our Philippines needs to choke up.

Am often asked about my stand on the Charter Change. To me, matters of perception and construction are important. Furthermore, motives always have a place in my analysis. Benefit of the doubt given, ceteris paribus, I still don't think Parliamentary government will click here. Federalism to a certain extent may. My point is simple, the preconditions for any shift do not point to the desired variable---stability and progress. Our institutions are weak, our parties are big jokes, our leaders are on some other politician's paylist (at least not all). And as for the Philippine society? Simple point as well. We are fragmented. We are region and ethno-centric. We have no long-term vision, no platform, no collective ideal. Out of this frustration, I chose to study politics and scheme for that future.

In the course of my short shallow pow-wow here, I have laid my cards on the table for what I think is a viable world order. Oh yeah, I advocate a world order. I think regions are not enough. I think the buck doesn't stop there. And I'd gladly tell someone who thinks normative study is a load of crap to screw himself to the library hall doors. Screw people who think of the present only in exchange of the recognition of their past and the hopes of their future. Rhetorics? Damn, that's what these geniuses keep on telling people who want change. Lunatics instead of prophets. Madmen instead of pioneers. Well, history will decide.

My world order vaguely put is strong, driven by force and the rule of law. It is both bottom-up as it is top-bottom. It needs no killing of those who have more. It is progressive. It is pluralist. Yet it is strong and decisive. It is grounded on human lust for power and satisfaction. Yet it is also grounded for human lust for achievement and the good life. Equality is not only in the ends, but also at the beginning of the game friends. How can you attain such conditions when you have corrupt rulers? Power should be a catalyst. In the hands of benevolent leadership, it can be. Vague right? Yes. Impossible? Hell no.

So don't brand me a Zionist for being Christian and someone trying hard to live a life based on its hardest of hard demands. Don't brand me a neorightist for I only am advocating for a stable and progressive order. Don't brand me an American-lover for I only love my study of the better things to this world. If the United States be part of my list of icons, then shoot me for being me. Defend your side of the coin. If I question the motives of any new power in the world vis-a-vis America, I do it with bias I openly admit. But I do it with reasoning not emotion easily stirred. Because when the Philippines conquers the world and gets to the top, other people will wonder the same.

No one is perfect but the true benevolent right and charismatic left---God Himself.

Over my Head

2006-09-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

Everyone knows that I'm over my head, over my head...as the song goes.

I simply hope what I say and do do not in the end nullify the very best of my efforts.

And I would certainly hope some people in Batang-Batang land (making this up, it there such a place?) get the point I am driving at. Point being, I hope those who have utmost suspicion about my actions from my defendable decisions just get a hang of themselves.

Whilst I have a prick in my eye, they have a logjam in theirs---that I address to 3 really irritating people to my life. (not necessarily campus life) Can't believe you're still the same bunch from the blog entry I had some timg ago.

Beware the intrepid silence that is used by the battered weak and contemplative for it is the strongest of weapons in any one's arsenal. How many times have I preached about this?

For some time now, I have been haunted by personalities of both good and bad sorts to my subjective bias. I have decided to quell the inner battles of both in my heart and have been rather successful in doing so. Hence, the farther that I fly, the farther the thought falls, and the better landing I get. This is all figurative. It is the best encryption I have for now.

My stern warning to those who discount the power of silent voices that carry a sense of purpose, vision, and means of getting there: beware the rising of the right wing. I have nothing else more to say.

Friends in the Council and around it ask me how should my idea of the right wing become what I think it can be? I give a smile and invite them to a discourse. I get input from them and they agree with me on some points. What I have to say for this blog and the discussion on the better of my grand scheming, the right wing will be a brand that is in touch with individualism---that of human nature and yet will be the masterpiece of power and benevolent leadership put together.

Life has been busy as always. Get a call from you boss, have to make a mad dash to the meeting place to find yourself making a grand entrance. You exit after you pace yourself by warming a seat and taking a good look at the speaker as if paying attention but really pondering on why in the world you do such things. You think that at the end of the day you make your organization work better and its cause carried through. Perhaps. Tell that to a drunk man. He'll tell you perhaps.

But I am not drunk by the soothing alcohol that burns my worn out cords. I am drunk with a lasting and potent longing of some things beyond my incestuous scheming about the future of this world and the end of all madness.

Ground zero. 9/11? I bring a new definition to the idea.

In the university, nothing much changes. The landscape is brimmed fire of power play and disappointing immaturity brought about by insolence of the so-called monopolizers of the discourse. The land is toughened by poker faces with razor sharp corners that cut your cheek when they kiss you in front and stab you at the back. My joy comes from the knowledge that such fools have not a clue on what they are thinking of and that to my mind, their time is coming near. Thank the heavens friends from past and traitors in the present as of last count number to three. Two of which I accuse with a blind eye. But can I help it that they're being obvious?

So I get a cab and get a rather cool ride home. To my expectations, two-thirds of the taxi drivers I converse turn out to be actual and good conversation pieces. But I guess no one makes a better man to have a chat with than Mr. Cruz. Though much emotion has carried him over the past weeks, I am most thankful that he still is very much aware of things happening around him and people that need his cheer.

So I end up encoding some documents: proposals for CWTS, some for UN, some for my volunteer org, hopping from CNN.com to UNICEF VOY fora, to my email, and yes the beloved Friendster. The music playing at the background? Itchyworms with Beer. Am in it for the beat, the melody...the blending...not really what it's talking about.

I have come to realize that I have to move on from the pains given by the past. However, I have to tell myself that I am not moving on but instead putting a stopper and waiting for some indefinite deadline more than anything. Why so? I tell people I am doing fine. But at the back of my head there is a warring of the clans namely, "Paolo someone can do a better job taking care of her than you and you know it darn well." and the other being "Paolo who knows if you wait on her to be ready, given you have so much of this strong feeling for her."

I am not so sure anymore. I should be shot instead.

For the record, have I given up entirely? I have no comment my dear readers. One thing is clear, that whether or not people from Batang-Batang land my fantasy island for my resonant past agree to what I have in me then I must rethink my stand and forget the chase. However, I have none of that response.

What restraint and repression I do to myself I do out of respect for certain people. Anything more than that I make clear in private SMS messages.

So a pop-up interferes with my staring out the window. So I sigh and straighten my back.

Where was I? The grand rising of the benevolent right? Yeah. I was cut off by such evil thoughts.

I am the deep dark man to some people. My outer confusion to them is confusion indeed. HOWEVER, need I mention the silent contemplative is master over encryptive devices? So manifestation in the external being something that is produced from an inner drive does not entirely apply to such crop of beings.

So if by theory of projection and perception, I have made many believe that I am an eccentric weird and confused member of the Council who is unsure where he stands. I humbly smile and offer a prayer.

I simply hope your confusion in the entry does not nullify your trust in artistry.

I have been honest and yet cautious for most part of my dealings. To times I need to conceal, as with most of us in telling white lies I find my flaw. Lying is wrong however way you look at it. Then, it is an art.

The other side of trying hard

2006-08-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

The other side of trying hard is either trying hard or finally finding your own.

The other side of trying hard is like choosing between having a debate on methods of inquiry or simply having a lunch out with the esteemed and now, motherly, Dr. Clarita Carlos of 199. You want to think and be critical for one afternoon; but having an honest and warm conversation is what you actually need.

The other side of trying hard can be right straight to the point. Say for example, spending the whole day renovating the CSSP Student Council. You know that you'd be drained the whole day moving things around instead of being in step with batchmates advancing the knowledge with their review of related literature. However, come to think of it, this is the path I chose. I have committed the chance of having cumlaude honors to God's grace and have been less concerned with it though in my mind, the prospect is worth having. I am a Councilor, the Secretary-General of the CSSP Student Council. Wrong as it may seem, I will not deny that my mind set has oftentimes regarded this position and this responsibility with more regard and even distinction than simply being cumlaude.

Asked whether he would choose the laude or the chance to be Council member, Sir Clemente of Psychology chose the latter for obvious reasons he decided to consider noble and worthit than a million accalades to self. But of course, we and Sir Ton would rather have both. Being an honor student after all is also indicative of your character and competency. He did get both. As for me, hehe, it is a toss up.

In the ultimate analysis, I believe what makes you sleep well in the late hours of night makes you a better man. I think I have made that choice. So will all of us.

The other side of trying hard can come easily to you in ways you need not find out. Like last Friday, our EU wizards, though failing in a buzzer-beating game, did me and the university proud. Hey, that comes instantly. Can one find being happy for another easier than oneself? Right now, I say yes. Mr. Sadeghi-Tajar accompanied me until I finally got a cab ride home. We were in an urban trap. Friday, rush hour, people with salary, in Origas? Whooo. So we, with Sir Kraft at a time, walked full circle from SM Megamall to Shangri-la to the Podium and back to Shang. Did not matter as the falling action of the day which was the evening Ortigas skyline and very sensible and intelligible statements from Patrick made it a lot easier. That comes instant to anyone...good advice from a friend.

The other side of trying hard can be relief or can be more pressure. It can be forcing yourself to read Karl Deutsch and Ernst Haas for they are after all, your conceptual framework. Or it can be this simple chance to have a light bulb lit up before turning on the switch.

Convulated elaborations... a parody of my oxymorons?

I am the self-cancelling character in your classic novel. I am Othello, then I am Brutus, and then I am Romeo.

The other side of trying hard to be someone you are not is being someone you are. Then again, if this is not available to you, then the other side of trying hard can be trying hard in its other form. I have been that way sometimes. No one is exempt.

I was having a discourse with a "stalker" of mine over the sms. The funny feeling that you're sharing bits and pieces of you in form of your opinion and life story to someone you do not know, and worst of all, plays around with your curiosity until semestral break has seemingly died down out of convenience. We were talking about truth and eventually, lies. It was getting a bit philosophical. I used my debunking argument which I use to end or get an end to a circling debate, which is postmodernism. I was really not in the mood. In this sense, I was trying hard to accomplish two things as sly as I am (1) get his opinion in return and (2) get him or her to open up details which he or she maybe concealing in that slowly becoming infamous character to me called the "bear hunter".

Trying hard indeed.

So I guess Alexander was right, or some Greek before him: "Fortune favors the bold." And though boldness is something I admire in men, fortune-seeking is not.

What is fortune? What is destiny? Is it set or do you let it unravel at the moment of attack?

I have been victim of this so-called destiny, so much so, I deny its existence. Is someone your destiny? Can someone be that one soulmate? In our 199, we have destroyed that notion. I am still entitled to my opinion anyhow. And that is, trying hard to believe in something or someone that is not there for you and will cost you friendship(s) in the end is the delirious other side of trying hard.

The better half is, perhaps, letting go and thinking clearly. Or is it?

I am a hopeless romantic. I am an idealist to a certain extent. I find it hard to accomodate these interpretations as my way to go about my issues.

Bottomline, live your lives the way you should. God be your guide and to my certainty, good things follow.

What is the way one should live his/her life?

I dare not prescribe for there is no one path, no one easier shortcut to take.

Perhaps doing what is right at any given instance is a proper start.
That's impossible you may say. Of course, but did that ever stop you from trying?

Easy Like Sunday Morning

2006-08-14T20:10:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what I thought was to be the day, Monday turned out very much like Sundays.

Was it because I chose to lay back and relax as I let the battering of hardcore economics and regional integration do their damage? Was it because I found relief in the sight of Council work getting done and in a great way?

I chose to make it easy like Sunday morning...as the song goes.

I chose to take away just for once my endless thinking of what should happen next and what should I be doing.

Maybe my runny nose the past three weeks, which can only be matched by Mayon's pyroclastic flow forced me to settled down and take the day slow.

Perhaps it was because I have made certain assumptions to put finality to some areas of my life.

For all I care, what mattered to me today was the steady pace I took the hours as they passed. I was wearing a smile now, though teary-eyed as the colds finally got to my head. I was able to crack a joke without strings attached again. And by this I meant that when I said something, I had no second guessing or afterthoughts that rush in when I think I make mistakes or when I think of so much with nothing to do.

Most important of all, I was able to relax and enjoy my freedom again. If just for a day, I'd do it over and over again.

I concluded the day with a committee meeting at 5pm and closed my planner, rather oddly surprised I had nothing else scheduled for the day.

I take a cab home, traffic not meaning anything discomfortable to me, thanks to the driver's remarks about his taxi driving experience once in a while. Hehe, maybe we should conduct a study on the stress levels of drivers who drive LPG-run taxis to those who use ordinary gas. I think there is a marked difference.

Wow, how academic of me. Yes, I opened my eyes to the grey horizon and asked for some annointing once again. I begged for direction and boy was I brought back to the firm ground of home---where I excel, where I can do my best.

I had been put to so much emotional, physical, and mental stress since the campaign began February 2006. I still am under such conditions now. But I think I am able to adapt to given situations far quicker than before. Now, cramming, though part of routine inevitably, has become more of an ally.

Just like clay, I am stretched and remain in the new position as against an elastic rubber band. I have tested the waters and found it to be cool and pleasant.

As for the short-term past, I have nothing else to say. It is a bittersweet memory to my collection of many til I grow old. In fairness to it, I think it's worth smiling back at. For the winners and losers, I give my toast and smile. =)

God tells me to be still and know He is God, that He is in control.
God speaks to me in ways I never imagine how...the wind, the whole day experience.

Bah, tis hard to get sometimes. That's just me for ya.

Spontaneous combustion...my mind is ticking like a well-oiled machine. Is it because I see myself back to normal, rededicating my resources to where I am most needed and not to mention, most productive? Heck, yes!

I'm easy like Sunday morning, listening to Itchyworms music.

Tomorrow, perhaps a better view of the sky and a renewed look for my eyebag-laden eyes. I will make it through this uphill battle.

AND YOU BET I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH IN WHICHEVER WAY YOU SEE IT. =)

God has allowed me to this way. My choices have made me so. I am the hopeless romantic. I am the cold formal authoritarian. I am the moralist. I am the perfectionist. Yet I am stupid. I am naive. I am still inexperienced. I am still weathering my personal storms.

So bring it on, let the cool breeze of tonight warm my senses. For if many are running on reserve energy, this bro is up to the task with more to spare.

The farther that I fly (part 3)

2006-08-11T21:33:00.000+08:00

Pa-juliet-juliet, that's what they call it in gay lingo. One anomaly turned mainstream in my language, I'm beginning to appreciate as something I use to make me feel a bit light-headed and hopeful.

Convulations...

I have been a pa-juliet-juliet maniac the past months pre-occupied with some things beyond others I should give my due.

There has to be a point when you should stop, to quit, to pull back, and reprimand yourself everytime you entertain anything pertaining to it.

Because putting a stopper to all your thinking is the best way to guarantee not only your existence, but also your sanity.

And so I have, I believe.

I could have lost a lot should I have pursued for that something couple of months back. A friend who had stakes in this game pulled me back.

With all these remnants of emotions past, it was up to me to get rid of them.

And so I have, I believe.

2 sms messages. Just 2 for all the good times and the would-have beens.

Just 2 messages in high hopes of getting a message across. Just 2. Lord, just make the last 2 sink in so much so I can be clear of my burden...conscience clean.

I just want to make things the way they were. To my memory, I've done my part. It takes two to tango. Couldn't believe such wanting result to such devastation.

Convulations. My flight is pulled back by gravity to the surface, not hell I hope. What does the green fields of being just alone look like? I felt that in the past months, I was desiring my personal limbo. And in a way, God has brought me back from the death of me to something I pray is something lasting anew.

Or was it God's plan all along? I dare not claim. As far as I know, I'm back on some footing I've not known for sometime. To those who have lost in this decision of mine, I think chance has not gone your way. You had your chances...bottomline.

I piece of something for myself. It's like that last bite of pizza you would not share. It's like that last ant in a long line you water-hosed and spared because...heck it was too spectacular to spray them all dead!

From now, it's a toss up.

Besides, I think the farther that I fly, the less time to think I have for such.

I want to crawl out of this semester.

To think that my academics will be something great would be saying a lot. And if ever I do, I'd be somehow convinced I belong to this university.

Was browsing through tuition fee rates for private universities in the US which specialized in Security Studies (IR). Georgetown, Sir Jamon's recommend, would cause me a million and some couple of hundred thousands a year. Fellowships are not that easy to get...

But God their curriculum is something I could dig my teeth into.

I have to weigh a lot, aside from my body in the coming months.

Ah, my world is spinning round. And as the song goes, I wouldn't change a thing.

For now, I shall gratify myself with good-looking ol pictures of me in Friendster. For now, I shall take a cold bath and wipe my face dry as if erasing every mark of my stupidity in the past.

Regrets? A few. But not for myself really. I guess I still have some confidence and angst to spare...

With this, I think I have gone full circle with this particular flight. Thing is, life is a spiral of circular motions. Things happen over and over again, yet they move forward...hehe reminds me of Toyota...passion road hehehe.

Maybe I should stick to driving on the ground.

The farther that I fly (part 2)

2006-07-28T01:21:00.000+08:00

I was required to watch two documentaries for our PanPil class. I will dwell on the first of the two entitled "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" or something that sounds like and gives off the same meaning. I was pretty moved by the documentary, however mindful I was of the intentions and background of the key actor in that act---Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

Besides, I was not moved to dream my dream on his side of the political spectrum. No, we have different versions of idealism and an end to shallowness and human dignity stained. For if Chavez found it in equal distribution of wealth, a mix of Bolivarian military rule and a Communist blend of social equality and charisma, I find it in something else.

What be that something else? Hehe, I think I've mentioned this two blogs back. I believe in a benevolent right wing ruler. What does this leadership sport? He uses the power of the army to ensure security. He uses liberal economic policy to ensure wealth and progress, to a certain degree. He uses laws and policies to keep everyone in their place, and that place being in a progressive society in a secure state. He sees religious dogma not as the opium to explain and feel good amidst social realities but as a tool far beyond manipulating in a Machiavellian sense, but rally people around him. In short, the benevolent rightist finds strength in a code he admits is far stronger than himself and his right wing---his means of ensuring excellence in the service and continuance. His wing will have consultative powers, an advisory role and the formal right to pass legislation.

Beeper. Duh, that's impossible. Needless to say, only someone of divine right or abilities can be the benevolent rightist. And so I say, this is the extrema---my utopia, my classless society under the sun of the selfless right---an abolition of every misconception and association of fascist and authoritarian.

As Marcus Aurelius the wise said, he brought a sword and nothing else. A sword is necessary. Without it, power cannot wield itself. Without it, there can be no peace. The sword will ward off the weary opponent, and it will consume him even before conflict.

Much of my blog entries is simply a hodge podge of my shallowness at times, of moments I'd rather blabber about something than talk about lovers I saw across the street.

Ah shit. That L word again? What's with that? Can you eat LOVE? Can LOVE make you rich? Can LOVE make you see things or the absence of which can make you pay notice to others such as hmmm...POLITICAL SYSTEMS???

I posted questions in the preceding blog that to me have been partially answered.

In this blog, more questions need answering.

Point being, if I toil away finding a cure to my insanity, if I slave away my time on the caprice of others or of the questions that haunt me, then I am nothing nor am I productive in any sense.

The farther that I fly, yes, the thought of what could be pulls me on and then lets me soar. But also, the variable intervening that is my thoughts and my drive to revolutionize this world allows me to fly further and farther.

The farther that I fly (part 1)

2006-07-23T17:10:00.000+08:00

How does one single lonely person react to seeing lovers pass by?
How can one contemplate a single lonely life in the future?
How will one single lonely person ground his hopes on his appeal or his skill?
How should one chart a course for single lonely life knowing he is not left behind?

I fell that I am getting left behind. I feel that my time is running short. I feel that if I do not answer these questions in the coming days I shall further be caught up the farther that I fly.

With this, I begin my discussion. By laying down fundamental questions that take up, though fractional, excessive moments of my vacant time (whatever remains of it), I begin what I desire is to be an exodus...and exodus from wishful thinking that encapsulates me and my perspective.

I pray I find it. Can it be felt? Can you feel salvation? Can you touch redemption?

What calls me, the farther that I fly?....

Enough said about me, the world is moving

2006-07-15T10:24:00.000+08:00

Enough said about me. There is this idea that shallow people complain a lot and tend to describe things as they see it, those who are mid-level in processing think only of people and their issues, and those of brilliance think of ideas, of criticism to the status quo or to concuct a plan towards the utopian world---the better life. It is a shame that I go on minding my life and dimensions of it. For now, let us say my preoccupation is my occupation.

That should do it for the cliche section.

Sure some of our better scholars, those with tenured experience on and off the field, say the Clash of Civilizations by Samuel Huntington is something to laugh at or give less academic credit---perhaps dismissing it somewhere between pure speculative work or some untoward vision of the world.

Ah but with the way the world is throwing itself into the abyss---the abyss not even Jeffrey Sachs can plainly put forward in his narration of world poverty, it seems to me that Huntington had a knack for correct prediction when he wrote the piece.

Why so? Look around. Digest, if you may, the bloodshed from chaos around. It may have crossed your mind that seemingly isolated conflicts can lead to regional friction due to misunderstanding and impatience. Add a bit of ideological stupidity and inhumane justification to a course of action, you have conflict on a grim note. Imagine, if you can, the United States and all her supposed allies thrown into a diplomatic trap of fighting a multi-front war against the North Korean axis, and the Arab world (who gladly consider themselves as one).

Then perhaps vex your faculties dear friends and put a suspicious China, always bearing a nationalist agenda more than a heart for multilateral treaty with the world ,being tossed into the mix. You have an unheard of alliance of China and the Arab world against the concept of Western supremacy, highly unlikely but remotely possible. If they're that driven to bring down a hegemon with good reason, it appears this is the avenue. Uh oh, didn't a man named Samuel Huntington write something resemblant of this model before? Can it happen? Maybe not in our lifetime, maybe when there's enough stagnation and uncertainty in the great bald eagle and there's capability on economic and military might for the red dragon.

Sure, it's all too realist. But the possibility of such goes beyond any fickle approach to international politics. Events as they happen are stronger proof than theories yet untested and subject to exceptions. Events, not theories, define history dear friends.

Just maybe.

Consider me a half-hearted fool for proposing a mode of leadership that is more center-right than anything else. Let me state my bias. I am for a strong leadership fused by military might and political will, complemented by a meritocratic bureaucracy. I am for rules and laws that equip this strong rule--somewhat authoritarian, yet still democratic. Singapore? Perhaps but something more. I am for a benevolent ruler who is able to lead a benevolent wing of leaders and is able to train a benevolent generation to pass the torch to. I am for the benevolent right. Now, am I subscribing to something as fancy and sheepish as divine right of rulers? I'm not. But you get me.

I am for a Kingdom of Heaven. Haha! Seriously, I am for my utopia. I think no one less than God himself can best be fit for perfect rule. Anything that can come close to the Kingdom of Heaven is my kind of utopia. A kingdom of conscience or nothing. One where a charismatic ruler is overseer of an egalitarian order...one of rules...one of proper and decent, let alone moral standards...one of liberal economic policies...one that fashions power in military might and internal cohesion...one that Alexander, Rome, to today's United States missed.

I know you have a barrage of points to use against my vision of the world. But hey, would you rather be content with World War 3 theories and clash of so-called civilizations hodge podge? I think not. You should not.

For now, my proposal is but part of a worldwide whisper in the wind. It's virtually impossible you may think.

But that is where the scholars and the dreamers diverge. And that perhaps is one of the reasons why a world bound to subjective decision-making, of postmodern lackluster, of freedom without responsibility can take you to a bitter end.

Call me conservative. Call me an idiot. But hey, I am an idiot with purpose.

Enough said about me, the world is moving. God bless.

HIT IT!

We are the very hurt you sold. And what's the worst you take from every heart you break? And like a blade you stain...

But I'll be holding on tonight. What's the worst thing I can say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight. SO LONG AND GOODNIGHT.

To political traitors and backstabbing morons, you deserve to be strapped like ol' Bill Tuner.

To others...SO LONG AND GOODNIGHT!

DAMN. I wish our cars collide. I'd be feeling a bit better then.

A Proud Raconteur Can Overshadow Silent Brilliance

2006-06-23T22:55:00.000+08:00

Raindrops keep falling on my head...I sing these lines in preparation for a mini-concert for PanPil 17. Little did I know about Mam Salanga, or her fun yet morbid ways of treating latecomers. Oh go sue me instead...

What I think of now, I should save for when I am in a bathroom...perhaps some effort to relieve me of the stress the continuously makes my days. Of anxious minutes trying to get a ride, of dull moments listing down all those who rented lockers over the past semesters who don't seem minding text messages screaming out loud in their faces that the deadline has passed, of many things---as I say again, isn't a life of repeating cycles just a drag?

So if I see her talking to someone else in the corridor, should I be bothered? Of course not. Life is far better spent thinking of how hard you have worked and taking pity on others fixated on shallow, endless pursuits of senseless things. Sometimes, I just want to look them in the eye and give them a word or two about living. Better not, I do not dare.

For though there can be brilliance in one's words, there can also be much poignant rhetoric bound to self-destruct.

So I take a bow and type the minutes of the last General Assembly. I can't finish them, I am torn about by The End of Poverty and the economic memorandum, and then more I still am pleading to my mind to flash report. Being Secretary-General of the Student Council never really occured to me. During the campaign, I wasn't even sure I'd be satisfied with my performance, let alone my chances of winning. Hell, I thought I was no one. Perhaps votes trickling from PolSc majors, but the rest? Not a clue. I guess a lot of factors played in. Maybe Papa Bear mania clicked.

Now, to have this position...this opportunity, never dreamt possible. I was set on doing other things. Even after hearing the election results in a secluded place, in a very emotional morning, I wasn't sure what was next. Bite after bite of that burger didn't really help me. Taking on responsibilities is never an easy thing. I have the itch to take them all...but no, no, no...not this one.

I was trained in the Academics/Education Committee. Campaigns and propaganda are my deadly arts. And now this? Making the Council Office worth visiting, organizing the internal organization, keeping rules implemented to the teeth?

To my surprise, it has been an easy, fun, and productive ride. I love my job. I love the people this job gives me the chance to know more.

I never really imagined my utopian vision of the world, my authoritarian right-wing way of getting there (and please, off with the irresponsible labeling), and a tinge of OC-ness would actually make the Office a bit neater, a step forward in a sense.

What I don't like? Sir Deocariza (CWTS) making me instant reporter in class because of the mere fact that I bug him well enough in AS 101 over RA business.

Nah, I kinda like the thrill.

I met Donna (N8) a while back, said hello and moved on walking head down towards the darkness and gloomy Balara treeline. She, with friends, got on a cab and took on a trip to the nearest bus station. I sure crave for those road trips.

Tonight shall be the night I scan over bloggers galore. Much has changed in their lives, not much in writing styles, much in drama. I try to find ways to make myself as straightforward and entertaining as some people like Dom or Viktor or carry much emotion as Grai. I'd like to see things from different perspectives, perhaps through Ma'am Carlos' "the hell with what everyone thinks, the military will soon be obsolete" strength, or perhaps beat down mellowdrama down the readers' throats.

However, this exercise of finding what to say and cramp all that has been in one writing has been an experience resemblant to squeezing an answer to some Math 17 exam items. What to say? What to do next?

After I graduate, God willing, what is next? Do I take on the hallowed halls of law? Do I become the next trench-coat wearing, sharp-looking ambassador? Do I become someone else? Or do I become the raconteur of nothing a lot of graduates have become once power won over their wits.

If there's any assurance that I am getting somewhere, I find that in one Robin Pettyfer. The dude's an amazing journalist, or at least he projects himself to be one. When he sets his eyes on the prize, he never lets go. Kind of like someone I know and am dying to speak with, but is pretty busy with his fraternity and APSM. Robin's passion is bridging the gap over distances and linking Luzon to Mindanao via video conference technology. This, to produce a working peace project to be sponsored and with linkages maintained for a longer goal---a television show with a dialogue format. Sure, to some that's UNICEF crap. My response: Sure, that's how far you'll get smarty pants.

When you have a dream, don't let go. But the dictates of my personal principles and that of my dogma tell me, if it's going to result into something wrong, it's not God's will, it's not good for you. Sure, if pursuing something means destroying everything else, that's not good. Makes sense.

So I am more than glad that he's on board this great project. I wish organizations could be all they could be and aim for things like this. After all, academic is not synonymous to stagnant, or unproductive, or socializing and interaction.

My faith in our batch has swelled so much, I think we can make the difference. I just feel something special in my batch, in our Political Science 2007. Tell me am just biased here, but no, I can feel, I believe (and that's a declaration I admit is built around HUMAN emotion), I perceive (your empirical hush push) that this batch in this time can do great things. It's like the Millenium Development Goals, only that you can feel it and it is far closer to you...

I recall the movie "Contact", starring Jodie Foster and Matthew MaCona...something...at the end of her apparent journey to outer space and encounters with advanced life forms...she goes on to tell the story and gets refuted. It's a dose of a scientist's medicine...her theory being beaten down by a panel of skeptics. Science is the art of doubt. Science has been that way for better of worse.

I'm sick and tired of proving myself to an audience of few. Times when I want to talk about something else but end up being asked the same damn questions. QUestions like "How are you?" (types not really meant), or when my mom blunders "Toothbrushyyy time!" Sounds cute. Come to think of it, I can live with that.

I'm sick and tired of gazes at me as if saying, "You owe me one." OR "It's your fault." OR "I got my eyes on you." OR "Huh, that's what you think." DAMN!!!

Who are you trying to fool??? That's why I don't like debating. That's one arena where aura can mean a lot but adds less to the substance. I'd rather get a broadsword and have a duel. Just call me the reticulated python.

Damn...

The damnation of me is when I get over the hump only to fall down again. But I guess we just have to pick ourselves up. There's much to do, much to be proud of, much worth fighting for.

When the dust clears, I see myself anew. I would pay much to see old friends again. Call this burn out. Call it what you want. I am not mourning over something or someone lost. I am not in the mood to toil over repetitive debates with people who have made up minds and have the balls to lord over their proposition in your face... The point of the matter is...I don't know what to think, or who to blame, or what to do about it...

But I guess that's being the raconteur I so greatly fear...the irritative being that is not only boring, but is also pointless...

One of my unfulfilled dreams is to accomplish my very own four-book saga. I have a plot and some twists in mind. I only made up twenty chapters of book one. Then our PC crashed. A blessing in disguise it was for me since I could re-do the draft and make it sound more mature, smoother, and more thought-provocative.

Just like my 199 I suppose. A lot of details are hazy and fuzzy to me. A new book gives me something else to talk about. It's a matter of being sure about yourself and what you want to do. A lot like love ei? Hehe. How conspicuous the places I shelve my ideas in...

The only consolation is that these moments take up only a nano-fraction of my day...and it just so happened it attacked me right now...hence, this blog...

I'd rather let God overshadow me. In that knowledge, I know some form of peace and happiness will win the day...

Note to self: Grab a copy of Yellowcab CD. Just like Switchfoot, it's good head-smashing, sententious paranoia...

"...But all she saw was trouble in my eyes...let her go..."

Aspire for the Spire

2006-06-10T17:42:00.000+08:00

...Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption...

I open my eyes to a dark June evening, tired and distraught by the pleasantries and negativities of the long registration process that dominated the week's itenerary. There is some warmth kissing my cheeks, and memories from some distant past. It might as well all I have in mind. Poverty in thought strikes those who are wealthy in action.

Hail once, hail twice and not until the eighth time in thirty minutes do I get a taxi ride. I pretend to look back and take note of the plate numbers of vacant cabs who did nothing but look at me and ignore my plea. I plea for sanctuary. I plea for reclusion. I get inside, my head bumps the ledge a bit and makes a thug. I give out the instructions and gives the driver a smile. The kind of smile you give when you have nothing else to say. A standard smile and a shrug to make the man sure you're not trying to do anything funny, nor proposing something stupid. The taxi moves along the lighted Katipunan commercial district. I am disattached to the frenzy, the commotion, the mayhem of Friday evenings.

I would like to call it exhaustion, exasperation...it has a lot of forms. However, it is not much that I am tired. Truth be told, I love my job and have no regrets whatsoever in taking this path of service. The hesitance that enveloped me during the campaign no longer exists, and has instead been replaced by much hope. Hope that dangles on a string, slow spinning redemption...as the song goes.

Aspire for the spire.

How do you deal with fixated angst and sadness on one person? How can you be angry at someone you do not want to let go of? I tell myself that it has to be so. I tell myself that it only hurts in the beginning. There is too much at stake. "Shame on you Paolo, shame on you. You do not risk further that you have invested so much in?" But I have to let go. I can not have everything. Sure, tell that to yourself you cliche-lover. I stare at the horizon, the eastern metropolitan skyline as we car goes through the fly-over. At the landing, there is uneasiness and a depressing feeling as well. I ask myself if I will I ever fall in love the same way again. I ask myself if in that time, that person would love me back for all I am, the nothingness of me.

I do not take pride in what I am. I am a bouncing boy of fat. Immature, struggling to make himself feel better. Or is he not?

I could only hope for a day I could be that someone to my someone. For now, it is complicated. No, complicated is a term used by those who could not see the challenge or accept the task at hand.

So I say, you go on the pursuit of academic excellence. I crawl for excellence in the service. Temperamence doesn't come easy now, now that stress is looming at the next turn. Thesis, economics, council work...bah! I pray for the strength to think of other nobler things than personal realization. I pray for the perspective to see things as beautiful instead of what they are.

Funny how man can talk of the same thing over and over again. Has he not moved on? I think not. Life is a cycle that bends and leaps forward. It is slow spinning. It demands redemption. For as the Punisher would say, if it is not vengeance, it has to be punishment.

I am glad yet I lack something. My friends would tell me to put my faith in God. I do. Some of my friends think God does not exist, or that reason has won the battle over dogma. Times like these, I find the existence of God to be as real as anything else. For just as the taxi meter ticks, time ticks, God moves and leads to His overall plan. Call it unfair. Call it what you want. But isn't breathing a privilege more than a curse. Even postmodernists would say that it is a matter of perspective. Then in a world of so many views, how can there be order? I say we do not go for compromise, we choose one and perhaps another to take us to our destination.

This is the fallback of the faithful. God works in mysterious ways. Everything has a purpose. Call it self-serving, I find power in such thinking. For if man does not find meaning and purpose, he is nothing. If man thinks he shall be dust after he dies and nothing else, then he is doomed to being so.

Idealism should not be quelled, it should be harnessed and used. The world needs dreamers. The world needs less of pale staring moments in a taxi.

So to those who may believe I have not learned my lessons and moved on, I beg you to think otherwise.

There is much to be had in this world. I am determined to have them.

Sunshine through the storm clouds

2006-05-13T17:08:00.000+08:00

Three basic questions to sum up the major decisions that have altered the course of my life in both big and small ways:

1. If I didn't try, would I have had another chance?
2. If I didn't speak up, would I have had known the answer?
3. If I didn't move, would I have had seen the light piercing throught rain clouds?

Yes, much has happened since my last blog. Kristian was clear to remind me that. Grai was adamant in her call for me to do something about this blog at times. But that is all good. The green and black chancellor over the past months has seen, experienced, and conquered a lot of things about a lot of areas in his young life.

Now, he has eyes that sag in fatigue and are getting weaker in vision, but on account of what he has seen and what those eyes shed, he wouldn't have it any other way. His eyes have gazed upon the meaning of victory and the price of sacrifice. His eyes have shed tears of joy and frustration over the longest struggles in his life. One was for power. The other was for companionship. One was for all the marvels. The other was for one. And yet he does not regret the loss of sight or the fragility anew of his body. He has seen much. He has etched his mark.

If the chancellor did not budge, he would have been a wallflower anew. He would have been a fixture asking what ifs til the days are through. Now, he has his chance, his shot at reaching so many his heart longed to reach. Now, he has comfort in the knowledge that when it comes to having the one for his life, he has to wait further and consider people and existing bonds around him.

To say that this chancellor has changed for the worse is gravely unfounded, a myth of some feeble mind. His gaze remains the same, his heart beats the same blood. He is confined to the solitude cell of his decision. His conviction pushes him to a resolution to all that has been---though that may never come. This chancellor is glad in the undertakings of the recent past and thanks the numerous people who encouraged him to take steps towards a goal---one apparently a success he now enjoys in the company of new and old friends, the other apparently futile due to complications.

I do not enjoy ambiguity. Yet I do not find much joy in detailed shallowness either. It is pointless to argue something that is beyond one's reach. The chancellor acknowledges defeat and moves to strike when the opportune time comes. But that is not now. The other has come.

The chancellor has to choose---whether let the green win him over, the side of him that yearns to be alive and vigorous about the presence of people and events around him. Or whether the black should win him, the side of him that longs to go the extra mile, to work because there is no content, to achieve greatness because it can. He learns it is a balance, and that balance is complemented to by moderation. He has learned how it is to sacrifice personal gain the hard way in face of strangers who cheer him on or those few who critique him. All is jolly and fair in life. All is beautiful. He has endured this and yet he still thinks little of himself. He has nothing much else to offer the world but what he is. To the woman of his heart who, if truth be told, is not clear to him, he has less to offer.

Many of you will never understand what the message of this blog entry conveys. Is this my way of breaking back to blog life? Honestly, I do not know when I will be able to blog again. I am unsure of many things. If people think the way they did before I got here. And where have I gotten to? Nowhere. I am me. I strive in ways that I know and am trained to do. I should.

What is clear to the chancellor is the path ahead. Of mending wounds, of removing scabs, of softening the skin or thickening of the covering for the battles ahead. He has much joy. He sees the sunlight pierce through the storm clouds. The winds of change excites him. The prospect of new surprises perhaps surely for him gives him hope, drives him on.

God be his witness, this man is moving forward in the company of demons and saints.

The Wardrobe of C.S Lewis

2006-01-08T14:42:00.000+08:00

As the title suggests, I have recently seen and been made a believer by Narnia the Chronicles of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The effect of knowing the story behind the seven book series and seeing the on-screen adaptation was something deeper than a normal movie buff's own experience. For this I was very happy.

You may all know the man behind the beloved books, C.S. Lewis. You may have read his biography out of pure curiosity or simply because the hyped up movie made you pass by a website or two. Heck, you may have your own reservations about the man and how he writes. We have reservations about virtually everything.

We are entitled to our own opinion about the man's work. I pray you appreciate his works. However, we should not make our biases translate into uneasiness or rejection for the man or the doer of the actions himself. I think this applies to all occasions. We all deserve a second chance. We should not be judged for our mistakes alone. As I quote the great lion of Narnia : "What's done is done." Get up and move on. Man can change. There is this hope he will.

What is the wardrobe? Is it a mere portal to the world of Narnia? Look deeper. The wardrobe is the window to our selves. It is the ultimate test of our inner self. Most of the time, we see disappointing things we tend to hide in our closet. Lewis shares the same demons we have. I don't care whether it be failed relationships or simple struggles with orgmates or maintaining high grades. We all have demons we want to get rid of.

Here's what biographies don't tell much but really should tell more about men...

Lewis lost his father at the young age of 8. He couldn't save the man no matter how hard his Anglican family prayed. He lived in a world falling to pieces--world war 1 looming. Everything was far disappointing, far frustrating, far pointless. At such youth, he could have been a lost lad. He could have lost his mind. In his case, he lost his faith...he became an atheist.

In a message to a friend he said : "All religions are mythologies. They are all created by man..." We've heard these lines time and time again, specially in our open university. Yes, this is one of them strong proverbial responses to debates on theology. There is good argument behind the claim that religion is but a social construct, designed to explain every single preponderance in our lives as well as those others we don't expect. It is romanticized and follows a backward tradition of conservatism et. al.

That is why I say this: "Don't put your stock on religion. Because it is not about religion friends, but something deeper."

But like good Christians, Lewis had better friends in the faith. He credits them for salvation of sorts, let alone his inspiration for life and work...

One of them was JRR Tolkien (coleague at the University of Oxford if I am not mistaken)...ring any bells? Tolkien is the distinguished gentleman behind the poweful and symbolic Lord of the Rings Trilogy (among many others). So while watching Narnia, I couldn't help but point out similiarities. I go there later.

Lewis began reading books made by Christians, hardcore ones, like Paul Bunyan's book on Pilgrims (how hardcore can it get?). There, he found some peace. There, he found answers. There, he finally found his truth...what all want to see in our spiritual search.

1929, he wrote a friend: "...I'm beginning to see some element of truth in this."

The rest is beautiful history. Lewis finished his Chronicles. Tolkien followed it with the LOTR.

And by the way, speaking of influence, Aslan the great lion creator/ruler of Narnia is Lewis' version of no less than Jesus Christ. I need not get cheesy and all that with Christ now. Point said, he found his truth.

The hundred-year winter represents our inner bitterness, something we have to let go. It is the hopelessness of staying in the shadow we created. To some like me, tis eating and not getting any thinner. To some, it's a craving to commit crime. To some, it's not having someone to be with.

Jason, Christian and I were by the Sunken Garden last Friday. There, we concluded: we were hopeless romantics a year ago, we are still the same today. But did that ever stop us from being so in denial of ourselves. This is our search. And for that, we take things in strides and leaps.

Of course, am helplessly justifying our quest to get our beloved, whoever that one is ahem.

The wardrobe hides our fears. yet, it also contains our better side. it has our goods we do not want to use or are ignorant of. It makes us vulnerable. Tis like in the PC Game Rome: Total War---a strategy game where you seek to become imperator of the Roman Empire. Greeks use the phalanx formation, rows of long sharp wooden spikes lined to rows forming a phalanx. Though invincible at the front, it is weak at the flank and behind. Should Alexander had failed to manouver the phalanx formation with such speed and ease, he would have been so easily crushed.

We are the phalanx. We bring everything good about us to the table (even those not true) to impress, but we fail the essence of making other people feel good about us. It is not impressing, but expressing. What's the point of courting someone? TO have a long-term productive relationship! We're so driven mad by trends and standards that we so want to satisfy that we become the pretense. We pretend to be what we are not. This is the Philippines I am so sad about.

We can dispose those we do not need anyway.

As far as I am concerned, hehe disposed some things like 178 exam, like econ exam, like other ghosts of everyday.

Feb holds more for me to think of, right grai and farrah? Sheesh. If a friend of Farrah is reading this, do tell her that the Feb thing is on, hehe even at my expense hahahaha (ang hangin!)

Arianne Reyes and I plan on going to Gateway (Fully Booked) to buy new books. My personal library is but a shoe box compared to Arianne's. Goodness, thanks to her, I'm back to reading. This time, I'm gonna expand borders from the cheesy ones to more of reality bites...just to balance my espionage exploits with Clancy to softer dramatic tunes like hmmm... Lewis and Tolkien! I'll have to ask for her recommendations too.

And Marian, I hope Stephen's all washed up!

Pray for Sir Naval's trip. Pray for Ate Lucy's soul, I was completely shocked.

Wardrobes may be locked up. Good thing we have the keys. Search and find. Seek and ...destroy? Naahh. rebuild and build anew!

Katipunan fly-overs

2006-01-04T14:36:00.000+08:00

Nowadays, when I go to UP, having to take a ride via Katipunan jeepneys, I never forget to look up and examine the fly-over above me...

I always have this fear that the Katipunan fly-over (near Ateneo) will one day fall and collapse with me near it...

after the fire last year that weakened its foundations and supporting steel frame of the said structure...I think that some things are becoming certain.

Katipunan Avenue will forever hold a place in my heart. I have a sense of comfort and a feeling of ease whenever I pass by that road. Regardless of whether I'm commuting or inside a private vehicle, the whole experience remains the same. There is some form of peace. There is some form of excitement (remember the term we call "cramming"? hehe) to be had too.

Maybe because it is wide and spacious...perhaps because of the modern backdrop...or the institutions that surround it...or maybe because I see UP students around...

Fascinating!

They have great restaurants and fastfood outlets there, by the way.

The Freshmen Circle (FC) 03 now Eo-07 plans on eating somewhere there...Rania's suggested resto. Only the date remains to be settled. I couldn't help but be overly anxious about it. For like three years of stay, approximately two years since the last FC activity, and here we are...separate paths...similar goals.

Sure most of FC people are right by my side most of the time in the Council Office. But the same is not true for those who shifted out of the college, those who stayed but maintained only minimum contact with the core, or our moderators who now are working ( I miss you ate Pau). I want to see all of them...badly.

Yesterday was a wierd jeepney experience. Going home from UP, I was the only one aside from the driver and a small child having a y-choromosome inside the jeepney. There were only three dudes out of eighteen passengers. The next ride was worse or more intriguing---two females in a crowd of twenty-one. WOW!

Wait...LSS!..I keep on hearing the theme song for Panday the series by Sugarfree. I like the song...the melody basically. I'm hearing it right now here in Netopia Sta. Lucia Grandmall. OH GOOOODDDD!!!

Speaking of God, I came from a follow-up engagement of sorts with Dan of Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC)---thanks again Grai for leading me there. I felt guilt after hearing the analogy Dan shared with me. Am I but a carnal Christian---someone who says he is a Christian but fails to act on it? At times I think I am. At times it becomes so hard to share Christ in words...all the more by example. I guess that's the point: If God means so much to us...then why feel any bit of hesitation to share His truth to others? There's this barrier I have to fix within and in those I love.

hehey...the CCC Tambayan is near Katipunan!(had to raise this up to be consistent with topic)

It takes courage and valor on our part.

Lastly, I leave you with a story. Tea masters of Japan are revered and respected. They are equal to the great samurai. This is for good reason. Aside from being so dedicated to the mastery of their craft, the tea masters share a proud history of being true to themselves in the face of adversity.

Once, a tea master came across a great samurai along the road. He accidentally bumped into the samurai, nudging his ever protected blade. Touching a samurai's sword is equal to spitting at his face. It is insult that could only be answered for by death. So the samurai challenged the tea master to a duel the next morning.

Determined to keep his honor, the tea master went to his friend the blademaster or maker of swords. He went there to get the finest blade worthy of a fine opponent and a fine carrier. His friend, worried that his friend would face certain death reminded the tea master of the circumstances. However, the tea master did not rethink and went on with his business---tea making.

The following morning, the samurai arrived earlier than set at the designated spot. The tea master soon followed. But before they could commence the fight, the tea master had one request. He requested that he perform the tea ceremony first before the battle. The samurai granted the request.

The tea master performed the art to perfection, with the samurai slowly becoming amazed. He did this without fear or remorse in his face. This act and the way the master did it astonished the samurai. Impressed by his adversary, the samurai yielded and in fact had this to say:

"People I fight look at me fearing for their lives and shaking. Others come to me to offer coins. Others do not come at all. But you, there is no touch of fear in your face, no regret in your mind. Can you teach me how you do this?"

The tea master nodded. The mighty samurai became his apprentice.

God has a purpose for you. He wants you to be where you are, doing what you do best. It is in fulfilling your promise where you find peace and true wealth...regardless the circumstance.

Just about time

2005-12-23T14:11:00.000+08:00

First of all, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you friends and readers!

Recalling the year that was, I take my trip down medium-term memory lane back to December 2004. Last year was one of the best Christmases in my short life. Why? Not only did I have money that year, I also had a shot at something I never really had a shot at. And that was possibly getting a good intimate relationship going. This year, I could only hope for some preponderance to be injected into my system.

However, I thank God still for the year that passed. A year of parties, of organizations, of chasing GWAs, of mourning over and moving forward from something I simply spoiled.

It is chilly no doubt. I sit back and look to the ceiling. What the heck am I typing about?

Suddenly, I thank God that this year has passed so quickly. I thank Him that I'm stil blogging and people around me are stil where they should be.

I need not relay year 2005. For a nutshell summary, read my blogs hehe. And to those who have read or had glimpses of my articles here; I think you guys will agree that I did not have much of a blast this year. That is to be frank and blunt.

Sure I had my first US right beside my name. Sure I bought some things I needed and some to satisfay my fantasies (and no, a car isn't one of them for now). Sure I had glimpses of hope at a new relationship until I got a grip of myself and took a dose of patience coupled with caution. I just don't feel good about it.

But not to worry, it is not because of any of you.

I've scanned through past blogs and I was sorely disappointed at the following trends I note:
(1) my depressing topics of self-pity and equally pitiful observations
(2) my writing style that I think, a competent reader would either consider "too deep" or "too crappy".

A good friend who has found some peace and joy in her very deserving boyfriend told me once: "Your blogs have this trend...(the abovementioned)...and at the end you try to reconcile or make ends meet."

That also is very true. For that part, I am most happy.

You may have noticed that I have changed the blog heading from Chancellor to The Green and Black Paradigm.

This is my response to the wrong things about me and the world last year. You may think that by attaching "paradigm", I'd be detaching myself from reality in the hopes of putting up my own banner and setting up an imaginary utopian world.

To gladly disappoint you, I will not be so utopian or so far from reality.

The green and black are my colors. They signify my character, if I were a blend of colors. They show a dark, serious, unpredictable me with a touch of whatever goodness that I seek.

As for the paradigm part, I ask: "What is the paradigm suitable for the green and black man?"

I'd frustrate you if I told you that it just sounded good with green and black. Thank goodness, the feeling of underperfoming and disappointment last year drove me to assess me and my work, including this blog compilation.

I did not like much of what I saw.

Time for a new paradigm, I said to myself. Time for me to take hold of perspectives and fundamentals that I had in my better years.

To my certainty, with you guys around...the best of years are ahead of me.

Which may include something big this February.
Which may include finally settling the score with those political beings---hah!lampoons. And yes, elections...am I pumped up or what?
Which may include my second US or a CS (will do).
Which may include taking more jobs until I drop dead.
Which may include less days of asthma and cold once I become a gym wreck.
Which may incluide me doing more for you guys!

And which may include having my first date with one and only one person at Chocolate Kiss, UP DILIMAN!

Or which may include days of daydreaming....I hope not.

Oops, have to pack and wrap the remaining gifts for godchildren!...and exchange gift stuff...

Real quiet here. I guess December 23s are.

Count you blessings. Invest them afterwards..

God be your big boss. And because He is, you won't have to do the accounting. =)

Because some battles have to be fought

2005-12-08T11:21:00.000+08:00

Drizzles once in a while, but not enough to take away my attention from the matter at hand.

186 blues...
I never really wanted to be a lawyer, well, not after entering the university and seeing for myself the possibilities that I am more inclined to consider. But staring at the thick case book for several minutes, with regae music as my background wasn't the combination I had in mind coming into this semester. Re-reading each case does not help much. "I am not cut out for this," I tell myself. However, I enlisted in the course because I wanted the experience. I still want to think that courtroom drama every Saturday made much sense. It does.

Obviously, the procrastinator in me wants to just leave this pile of cases unresolved. Some battles have to be fought. I smile and turn my head to make a bone snap and pretend to feel good about it. My phone rings. The problem is that I am blogging. The thing is, I have a case book beside me. My digest does not make sense. It looks more complicated than the one I based it from. I look away anew.

(update) We did nothing last Saturday. I don't know what to think. Great thing is that Sir Jamon made every minute of that meeting worthwhile. I just love it. He really makes me rethink my career as a scholar---am I here to show off how much I know or show off how much I can do to things that do matter?

Home is where the heart was...
So once in a while I ponder on that mysterious person who placed a heart drawing beside my name in the US/CS list at the West Wing. It was such a hard thing for me, emotional at times, to come to a conclusion on these things done to me by unknown individuals. I can take insult at the instance of attack. What I have problems with is thinking of possible individuals who could draw a heart symbol beside my name. Should I feel flattered that someone appreciates me enough to be putting up such things at my list? Should I feel insulted that he or she did not even indicate who he or she was, although that would be completely stupid?

Sorry, some people would gladly think such acts might have been probably a big joke or a half meant lie...the tripping kind of act. To me, it meant more. I hope that drawing did.

Of safety pins and open zippers...
Last week, Thursday if I recall correctly, my jeans' zipper ripped broke. So what do I do? Some people easily notice open zippers, why not ripped ones right? I mean, I had to cover up. So using two big safety pins, I sealed the opening. Please, there isn't much of a sight inside anyway. Oh well, that's for another forum. Point is, I was so conscious. Conscious to the point I was exposing the cover up by covering up. How? I carried my bag using my hands and put it right in front of the broke zipper area. Damn, I can't illustrate using words. How about demonstrate? hehe. Sure gives me a laugh.

Saving for nothing...
I tell my friends when asked when I am to have a girlfriend, "Oh, I can feel her coming. I don't know her yet, but I know she's near." They give me a blank stare. My predictability has reached a certain pinnacle. Now, my mask can't cover what I keep inside. They all knew I am just waiting for the moment to strike. It was just, they did not know who. So I ask myself, my hair blown out by the aircondition near, "Who am I saving my love for?" No one? Someone? Anyone? I try to be as rational as I am eccentric as I am unconventional. So, my logic tells me that God has a plan for me. Yes, adopting my own son? That's too forward-looking of me. But I guess looking to a time that far off has brought me this far. I should wait for some more. Some moment in time.

However Thursday afternoon, something good happened to me. As I was toiling over something, this friend of mine comes with another friend and greets me. I have been meeting up with this woman quite often than usual this week. Everytime she offers a smile not familiar to me. I have known her for some time now, but not really noticing how special she was. Ahem Pao. They were in search of some commodities nearby. Not to worry, it was all friendly. But the smile she had...very unusual. The smile I gave..very warm and endearing as my heart skipped a beat. I tell myself, "my woman has to make my heart skip a beat".

I haven't officially courted someone before. Yet, something about her smile told me that perhaps a shot at the curvature of the moon won't be all that bad. I'm not talking about her, I'm being general here. Grai, I know you're gonna talk me out of this. Arianne, I know you're gonna do the exact opposite. Both of you are romantics, but how you differ in perspective hehe. I'll take this at my own pace...God's timing.

Not since last year have I felt this way again. On my part, the exchange wasn't just friendly anymore. Problem is, to her it means nothing. I think such poetic justice to this experience best be saved for a blog I am to post WHEN the time comes. After fifteen minutes of browsing, she left with some items. I sigh. Maybe I should go searching again. Maybe I should lay it all on the line for something I have never had before.

To be honest with my readers, I have a preference for UP women. Something other than their brains or their character that drives me nuts. But I know relationships aren't about skipping beats or driving yourself nuts or being inspired to ace an exam. It's deeper than that. Alas, better save for nothing. But save nonetheless...in some hope. Out of some gut feeling, I feel good about the idea of falling in love.

SEA Games misery...
Sorry guys, we cheated according to the head of the UP volunteer delegation. But Thaksin, do watch your language. And I do think the Thai king does deserve some respect. Aside from a four-page cover on him by the PDI filled with greetings and grand pictures, I think Bhumibol and the monarchs before him did a swell job. At times I think maybe a tyrant could make the difference for the Philippines. A tyrant with a heart. A bureaucracy with a sense of professionalism...the meritocratic order.

About the cheating, minimal, yes, but cheated...still. It shames our athletes. To think that fellow Filipino can deny his countrymen of honest victory. To think that glory comes at a price here. Can you believe our delegation to the opening program was delayed by traffic? Yes, most of those proud men and women in uniform weren't really athletes. So am I tryin to tell you that they were most likely bystanders? Probably, YES. Tragic.

Maxi...
Saw Maximo Oliveros for a reaction paper to be submitted during Pan Pil 19 class. Great movie in my opinion. What adds to its merit list are the difficulties and limitations the crew had to face. Imagine having P500,000 as your budget. The type of film feasible is a documentary. But Maximo did not turn out as that, it had a touch of an offbeat movie. Sure enough, this offbeat out-of-the-box concept earned our country international awards. What was really moving was the circumstances "Maxi" faced..poverty, discrimination, the evils that take you away from the open door of having your own loved one.

Kinda think of it, he's like me...waiting impatiently. Here I go again!

The fog...
I have to be honest about this. For the first time in TWO years, I saw fog worthy of remembrance. Yes, I try to recall instances when I see strange phenomenon like falling stars or this one...though not as dramatic as the former. At first I thought it was all because the volume of vehicles was above average and so...voila, air pollution. I sniffed the air. Nothing. Then I realized I was wearing a jacket and a certain chill enveloped us (Katips jeep). I concluded that this was indeed fog. I then had misty eyes...watery eyes. I am that kind of a person. A different kind of feeling runs down my spine and I react. This time it was a tear, next time a jolt of excitement, next time a laughing trip...

I end with some thoughts for upcoming week...
I should thank Chancellor Cao et al. for both the good and the bad his version of the lantern parade has done...particularly the closing of the Acad oval part...

It's good that we have given our eager countrymen a chance to earn big time just in time for the Christmas festivities. I've been a frequent taxi rider recently and I've had the chance to ask them how they're doing and how things are. I was coming home last Sunday from the PGS anniversary and JPGS yule ball, I emceed and so I was tired. But something the driver told me made me feel guilty. It is saddening what one told me: "Naghahatid kami ng mga may napamili. Pero kami, hindi naman makapamili e." I let that speak for itself.

Secondly, the traffic jams. Well, because now I pay more attention to my alarm clock. My body clock failing is a sign of aging and stress I think.

Thirdly, I get to walk in the middle of the Acad oval road. I don't go to UP on Sundays, when the oval is declared carless. Now that it is, ideally, I get to do something beyond the convention or what the law dictates. Now, I get to walk with friends in the middle of nowhere and get to stretch out our hands wide and breathe in fresh air. Now...at least a week...I can do something else.

Read the good book and quote prophet Jeremiah: "If running with men has worn you out. How then can you run with horses?"

To the misery and the madness, I say I will run my course...but with the best of them all. So must you.

Some battles have to be fought. I wonder what, I wonder why, I wonder when...God, I wonder how I am to make it with you.

Something sends butterflies down my stomach, the phone rings, I smile...

Loaded pistol, no aim

2005-11-19T12:29:00.000+08:00

I was sweating the entire morning. Or shall I say that the cold morning breeze was just not enough for the pressure I needed to handle 186. Louie was the first among three to get called, thrown in a series of questions and hope to satisfy a long-time attorney's cravings for an answer. Louie, much as he denies it, was simply brilliant in handling the barrage of questions could make the faint of heart lose themselves in a counter barrage of mind blocks and stuttering mouths. After much said and done, we managed first day of pseudo-law class.

Much was encouraging, much was discouraging. We only had Sir Jamon's word to make sense out of the complexities of Salonga and Coquia.

The night before that, while I was toiling away with these cases for study, Grai was sending me SMS messages on business matters. It was a good thing that someone as deep as Grai could keep one company for the long night ahead.

In my conversations with her among many, including a friend (from some evil blogs ago) that must not be named (a-la Voldemort who was kind of disappointing---one of very few things I didn't like bout the GOblet of Fire---which was indeed bloody brilliant), I was able to surmise a metaphor or figurative expression of sorts.

TO add, I was really humbled by sir Naval in 178 with his comments about me like: that i should run for office ,and that I have a hidden poet in me.

But nothing flattered me more when someone behind remarked: "Ang swerte ng mapapangasawa nito." ---hell, I wanted to hear that!

I am in a quest, not to prove something to myself..but something else.

In my quest to complete me or pieces of me, I reason this:

I think it is not wrong to seek one's happiness as long as it is in line with an overall program and it does not corrupt another person's pursuit.

I think it is not a futile search to look for one's world, though out there, and fill it with the right pieces may it be objects or people.

I think every man has himself and his brethren in the fight for something intangible but incomparable to the pleasures of this world.

One is led to say this when he is a loaded pistol but without aim. When you think everything else should go your way regardless of who gets trampled on in the process, you become something else. And when you become that something, you want to have more...be more...attain more...and so the vicious cycle of advancing one's self rolls on impervious to the world around it.

I would be the death of my time...the failure of my promise.

It many respects, I do consider myself most blessed and forutnate. All, but one. If I do not shut up about this matter then I should be shot dead on. I could not help it. I could not see anything that amounts or compares to the problem I have.

I am impatient. That I can tell by simply testing it with a lollipop. I have become so because I think I have slugged out with things I should not have battled in the first place.

When the world turns full circle, would I have the complete life? NOthing would complete me but that someone I do not know of yet. That remains most clear to me. Acads, yes. Work, yes. Church, yes. Loved ones, yes. But that part, no. If I substitute God for her than I shame him for I would not treat my God in the same way I would have that someone.

But I think if I increase my faith in God, I tilt the balance heavenward. Then perhaps I do not have to deal with the gaps of my personality, the shortcomings of my youth and the nonesense that has shamelessly become me.

Do I raise the white flag and end this chase out of mere complications---with self and with others? I say yes and no.

If I cease to exist and die for something else than self, I die for romance and nobility but at the cost of my body and mind. Salvation works this way.

If I continue these exploits of finding someone God has not yet revealed to me (no matter how hard I reason) and do other things in desire of what monstrosity demands, I become complete but destroyed.

I then am a loaded weapon, yet without aim...enduring the world with a smile for the days of plenty and an evil grin that is not for you to see.

Should I consult my soothsayer and shooot him afterwards? I am at the point where good advice has not much use.

I want to try something new, break away from the cycle of reasoning to your professor why I should get a flat uno. I am beyond the point were organizing org activities is about smiling...THE HELL it is about making something work out for the best.

I can be the saint, or the outcast. I can be at the pulpit, or at the grave.

And at the last I ask, what are we?

Breathe in and breathe out the poetry that defies convention.

This I say with certainty ,I fight not because I have to but because I want to affect change. I fight for the reasons I have stated above ,and more entities to be collected in this stead. I fight because I dislike the system that is around us or is within us already. My hope is that though answers are not there, we move on by faith.

To those who understand, thank you. To those confused, I do not blame you. To those who think I am just playing with words, you may be correct.

Or then again let me ask you, what is your aim o loaded pistol without purpose?

By the way, I am wearing a toothy grin as I type this. AM NOT DEPRESSED. It is just my writing style.

See you around by God's blessings!

Customarily Invalidated

2005-11-12T16:20:00.000+08:00

To those who asked, I am not a US for a technicality. I have to complete PE, yes just one fine bowling game to complete PE 3. You can't be US or CS with a standing INC. And I go...hell...damn it. My one and only fine US GWA and I even don't get to be seen on paper. Oh well. I'd gladly do it this sem. NOOOOTT! Hehe!

What could I do? What should have I said instead of what I did? These questions were left hanging in my mind as I was on a jeepney ride home. The afternoon breeze was unfairly taking away the splendor of the orange sun setting in the western horizon that steals whatever magnificence the oblation statue has. A batchmate was sharing pieces of her, as if pouring not her life out...just a segment of recent events that were either draining or unprofitable for her. As a great deal of my blogs go, it was about love again. Women, at times they speak their mind or in this case, pour out their heart for someone to listen. Men should not respond instantly; instead, just hear them out and keep shut. I could not do that. I want to give solutions or remedies to even problems I know nothing of. So I went on mumbling things I could hardly recall. Was it good advice? I do not know. Was it good that I said something? I think that help comes in many ways and in many forms---it may hurt or it may make one feel good...but that is still help. Salvation comes to the worst of us. To those who could not find it, damnation.

The truth hurts. Truth is one thing that makes love special. It separates it from other nuances we experience once or twice. The world will spin, people will grow old. But love, it does not. It is patient as it is kind. We've heard this sentimental sentence before. Yet to say this as a piece of advice, I think is like giving a quotable quote to make yourself not her feel better.

What was I to do? Should have I had been someone else given her what dashing men who seem to know it all give? I was so hung up, I did not want to think.

The first half week of classes turned out to be a bore actually. Aside from 186 and 178, I saw things as they were. Mam Berja was what they said she was. And I expect her to be what many say she becomes. Sir Naval was pleasantly himself. Two words from great men to start the sem and a pop quiz on what we know about our South East Asian neighbors. I have no regrets that I am taking this class with him, not someone else. He just has something that enlightens me, or that replenishes my spiritual psyche. Gets? It's like, he gives you a look and you have no choice but be aware of his powerball (kahapon, made out of crumpled paper kasi natapon daw yung newball nya sa labas ng classroom ehehe). But after a lesson in life or two, it'd be fine. I was looking at Ann Karolyn and Jessa at points in the class. They were so anxious to get enlisted that I thought they had watery eyes. Long story made short, they got the slots. ALL who pre-roged got slots.

By the way Farrah, I am not the proud man here. Hehe, who's taking Morada? I feel sad that I am not one of your classmates this semester. I guess I have the feeling for other friends, like Jason last semester. But now, the king of 185 is my bro again. Going back to FG Naparan, I surely will miss this lady's sheer disregard of convention. I don't know how and why. One thing I shall miss most is her coincidental misencounters with me. Pattern everytime we meet twice or more in a day is this. First time, she usually offers a smile that shames the blue sky. Second time, she gives me a worried or an angry look that instills fear even among the best of us. Hope you find your man, go girl! (kahit pinapalayas mo pa ako sa 178 classroom ng pabiro!)

Hello Mau, si Vhon pala kasama mo!!! Hello Grai, grai grai grai grai!

Marian, YAn-YAN!

186 was a shocker. It still is. I was expecting a law school lecture education thing. Nohoho! Sir butch welcomes us with the intimidating chill of law school. We were to read tons of cases, and answer for it as if interrogated by a judge himself every Saturday. Recitation is 80% of the grade. Questions are in a Socratic format...meaning we draw the answers by asking a series of inquiries. This is indeed the pre-law training. Plus, we get to write our own digest were I get to say: "the facts of the case are:....." and " the issue to be resolved is whether or not paolo should be convicted for felony or not...". To me, someone not keen on getting a slot there in Malcolm, this will be more of a challenge. Louie and I laughed as I said: "mag-group case study tayo!" I told him not to get intimidated, Sir Jamon is Sir Jamon after all. He's been there and done that. I've looked up the references, they're thick and darn expensive.

As for econ, well, what do you expect...Mareng Winnie!

Just came from the ECON AuDi to attend the GASC convention (Gen ass of Student Councils [system-wide]). I was gravely disappointed. After sitting for four hours, all they could accomplish was a debate on the order of business. Nothing to do with the SR selection, nothing on the house rules. And yes, non-stop use of the word "germane". Just technical debates were you see moments of brilliance, but taken back by motives oh so below the dusk. I left. Most of my compadres did. I left the Audi with a background of applause and "here" chants in favor of the proposal of Cris Lao. That part, I like.

I could be on a high right now. I could be on a low. The events that led to today are simply amazing.

In case I become too dazed, lost in my own foolish pride...here is my answer. Invalidate yourself and say: "Perhaps I am just wrong."

Do it. don't wait for God to strike you down...or smite you.

In my moment of happiness, I am still customarily invalidated.

So it begins (modified)

2005-11-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

How does one prepare for the battle ahead? Does one go about doing nothing out of the usual routine? Or does one go about thinking about it and responding with a well-thought plan. Either way, we're all going to face one promising semester come Wednesday, Thursday to some. It begins Monday. Monday should feel a bit uneasy about itself. Most people would love to curse it. It is but a day.

But its other meanings have power. So much for rainy days and Mondays getting you down---as the Carpenters's song goes. I'd rather see politics that way. I'd rather study political science in this manner---more of appreciating the dynamics that go behind the formality. Which again might support my claim: I am not cut out for law school. Not that I can't handle it (ahem). But as I was staring at the lantern outside, I saw something that made me think again. It's some sort of epiphany. I can't say. It's still a thought. Spent most of after lunch siesta time putting up the big old lantern. It never fails to surprise. The stained glass impact still remains much as it did some years past. Another thing I was busy with was re-organizing my entire room. Or shall I say, my room. Entire makes it sound big. I have a so-so room. It's plain. It can be boring. So I really do not encourage guests to go enter...even if it were for the sake of using the comfort room when all the rest are occupied. I just don't want to share it with the world I suppose. So I piled up boxes of white paper (sorry FOPC people) of readings from first year and more, try to catalogue (yes, mark them) and wipe a bit of dust off them.

The plague that was in my earlier blog remains here. Skin asthma. I just don't get these doctors. Well, for certain, I had a ringword AND skin asthma. The latter, I most definitely have now. Treatment? Take things easily. Breathe in and exhale. Chew your food very well. Both of these I don't do. Like yesterday, I had cash to buy a decent sports watch. I don't really have a concept of window shopping. To me it's canvass and go home to save money and then go back with the clear head fixed on that item. When I go shopping, I go in a jippy. Meaning, I brisk walk, take a look at three things (1) appearance, (2)price, (3)features then decide to take it or move on. All this I squeeze in 5 mins max. I'm always on the go. I hardly munch my food. I swallow, then go. Voila, I'm sick even before the beating comes.

The problem with a skin disease is that it makes you feel so insecure. Mental illness, sure you're not conscious. A cold or cough, sure you can cover up. But this type, it marks your entire body. Sure enough, getting a studio pic is one of the last things you would like to do in a mall.

Arrgghhh, psychology!

What else? Obviously, this entry is not as deep as the others. Hopefully, it's not as grammatically incorrect as the others now that I am wide awake. I type as I think it up. Know what? I wish people could talk sweeter and more proper as they did in the old days. I suppose watching too much epic movies were knights and kings seemed so perfectly noble gets to your head. Hey, I'm a professed idealist. I live and die by an idea. Which will be tested come election time---some months from now. To my certainty, our batch (PolSc 07) is unique in a sense that thought it did not go the "block" way, it shows camarederie that lasts. Good thing for any candidate for department rep. As for me, the sidelines await. I put politics into action. I just hope I don't, we don't, take it too much that winning becomes a justifier for the means. Sorry, this proposition of Macchiavelli (ignore the spelling) (yes, given the context he was in) does not impress me. But who am I to comment?

A lot of my readers will be kings or king-makers come February. In a university where only 37% go voting, the challenge is for us to make people breathe politics and its essence. If they all give up, as in the national arena, no winner emerging should be completely satisified. I mean, 37% turnout and mandate from the people...they don't mix. Looking back at my epiphany of sorts, who am I to challenge such experienced people, sharper, and more dedicated at that?

I sent SMS messages to some UP people, among many to simply say that yes I've given them good and bad...comes to show that I am not perfect. The only reassurance I could give was that I am their friend...and that should do it. The flickering of the lantern brings flashbacks. I've done so many things in my life. In the recent months, I should be hanged on account of my actions and motives. But at least I acted on it. This defense I have, is selfish indeed. In my attempt to be so kind to people around me, I have become a selfish monster within. No. This is not some novel-writing romantic crap I just type to put sense to this entry. It's just that...

I think, I'll have to keep this lowly part to myself for now. ANother thing, I feel responsible to explain recent events in school that may have led to you hearing rumors about me in relation to good friends. I say again, take me at face value. I seldomly attack people using words or this medium. Again, I keep it rather than blabber bitterness. But, I say this, I have no issues against good friends of mine (UP). Take my entries at face value and please, don't add meanings to it. If I have such issues, I'd rather confront the person(s). Call me coward or stupid or vulnerable for bringing this thing up. Hehey, anyway, I think I'm such in a low state right now, the only way to go is up. Bottom line, if you don't know the details I beg you don't add some more. Like it or not, I at times can appear to be the antagonist here...deliberately or not. Thank you.

And if you think you know me after reading all my blogs. Think again.

hehe, sounds threatening? Sorry but I really had to do this in honor of a few people I had a chat with last week. They know who they are.

Nyeheheey, after scrolling up I've realized...I'm back to long-novel-writing, issue-spanking, senseless-blabbering me again!!!! I think this is the way to prepare for the battle ahead! Give yourself a treat with family. Then treat them. Then buy yourself something for Pete's sake. Then write about it. Then...then...I think my encounters in church tomorrow should do the job.

Last thing, you guys know how much it is to have your eyeglasses converted to shades? I mean adding tint? Can't believe I'm using a 350 grade one when my eyes are 600-700 +/- 100 astigmatism!!! OHHH NOOOOO!!!

And yes my dedication booth is back online.

Marian, I don't know what to think of you telling sir to expect me next semester. However, I applaud you for anyhow. I still owe you lunch!

And yes, I was with this lady for more than an hour of pure non-stop talk while she was paying for next sem. Thanks to the electric fan too.

To those who took econ finals, do buzz me up!

Celine, it is unfair. We've been given unfair circumstances. We survived them all!

Farrah, ______. stop. _________________________.stop. Thanks for the quote, I am quite certain it is your doing!

James, let's do this!

James A., bowl on!

My JPGS readers, do tag me oks?

Sputnik, sure you don't want to be identified?

Rania and Mara, hope to catch you both bouncing around YM. Good luck with your org Rani!

Dominic, keep me posted alright? Enjoy your viewing!

Louie, thanks for the "quick" response hahahahah!

Jason, you owe me a newsflash! What is up with you? See you around buds!

Blockmates from Batangas and JAJA, you're too sweet!

Grace, easy with the slots this Monday! By the way, your form don't forget!

George Bush, I just hope your SC appointee gets confirmed. You're serious?!

Mam Raches, Wednesday be the day!

Clark, still can't believe you were on that pic!

PAts, thanks for the smiley!

Buklod CSSP, damn it! Let's meet and greet and ...am out of rhyme...good luck to us!

The world, love and prayers go with you all. May God keep you spinning.

UP, oh yes I MISSED YOU. Kisses, mwah (yuck). See you all this Monday (well, as I know now, make that Tuesday)

Last night by the way, I saw a funny red blinking thing in the night sky. It moved from one direction to another (so it was not a plane or some falling star). I don't know what it is, maybe some cover-up artist would say that it was just a satellite orb for some government security purpose. I'd rather see it as something beautiful and telling. For one, that answers can come sooner than you think. And two, answers just lie around, it is for you to find.

So it begins....

I am sick

2005-10-24T13:41:00.000+08:00

I am down with

a bad left knee that snaps like hell

colds and cough that take my head off

intestinal influenza

a plague of ringworms

an empty heart

sure I am recovering, but I am wondering why now and why all at once.

i do not believe in mangkukulam or anything like those mountain witch types

but right now, i sure do want to think that at the least, God is telling me something. it is unfounded to say that God gives sickness because of sin. NO, there is no direct co-relation. But I am led to think...maybem just maybe.

saw the first grades off the crs view grading. I must say that, except for ECON, I am very much impressed. thank God. hope you all have the same great viewing time.

now time to get another subject this 4th of NOV. But before that, I'll take time off for the first time this break...to really have a break with some friends in Subic. Perhaps there, I can think it over.

thanks rania and mara for an enlightening conversation.

a piece of me id like to share for today: i say this...i am a predictable person, most of the time...take me literally...i dnt like second meanings anyway...so most likely...its at face value...if i dont feel good about something i usually keep it to myself...i have only ranted about someone once...and i tell you we (this old friend and political adversary) are cool....so there.....no new rants...am sick...and tired...am cool!

For now, what is certain to me is...I am sick. And that God heals the sick...I pray that.

More than "just because I have nothing to talk about"

2005-10-11T17:39:00.000+08:00

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

----Robert Frost

I no longer need to make the point of this fine piece of poetry clear. =)

Additional updates:
a. For the first time since 1st year 1st sem, CRS was kind to me: 15 units secured!
b. My body is really aching and it will for a long time. Why? secret!
c. Geog classmates, view your pre-final grades, simply check ur e-mail.
d. LSS mania: "Your Beautiful" by James Blunt (?) , "Blind" by Lifehouse, and "Love You No More" by Craig David. Mainly because they sound darn good. Secondly, because I love the messages of the songs though they never really apply to me.
e. Guys pray for the world. So much is happening. Much of it are wrong.
f. I don't know. I daydream more than my fair share nowadays. Hmmm.
g. Don't watch the "40 year old virgin" if you're expecting a Hitch-kind of movie. The Night Watch movie looks, SOUNDS, and FEELS good on trailers. I'll wait for that.
h. FRIENDSTER WEBSITE FEATURE I LOVE: being able to put "it's complicated" instead of saying you're married, single, or so whatever. I hope it's not equated to "i'm confused". hehe

Enjoy your sembreak friends! Always the path you believe in. Sometimes, take the path less taken. May God lead you there.

The Irascible

2005-10-03T07:06:00.000+08:00

Hehey! Been a week or so since my last blog entry. To my beloved readers, please understand that this absence was for good reason. I am certain that we all share a lot of these reasons. Anyhow, I am more than grateful for the success of what I have accomplished over the past few days of my dormancy here in blogpsot.

What's done is done. A looooooooong term paper in PS 171 (reminds me of a shampoo commerical where this girl says "loooooooong hair ko"), an enrichment activity in Geog 171 which required me to draw a world map bigger than a typical whiteboard (and I think I need new glasses with higher grading or maybe contacts if I just were more careful than clumsy), a draining encounter with GSIS (that's still frustratingly ongoing), econ exam which thank God went above boundary but less than expected, I don't want to recall other dealings for they will just make you think I have nothing good going on with my life. Bottom line, what's done is done. And I am glad about what I have done. Not perfect, more than satisfactory.

It just disturbed me when Celine and Farrah brought up their academic status and said that they screwed up this semester. Now, a lot of batchmates tell me the same. And I go, "Whoa?" At the back of my head, I thought, sure enough they may just have struggled this semester. BUT, surely, they are blessed still that they did not incur a 5 in math, and a 4 in another math subject. Of course, I was trying to make these to damzels "never in distress" feel good about themselves. Because, come on, Farrah is so up there in the laude board with the likes of Louie, Rania, Dominic, Mara et al. and I am living to meet the MIS GWA of 2 flat.

By the way Celine, thanks for your request. I have carefully considered it. Sure enough I will comply. Heheee.

A happy birthday to all y'all celebrants this coming month!

And so my reminder to these friends who share this concern over grades tipping below such laude standards this: "It's not how you start, but how you finish." It does not matter to me if you screwed up, if you ever did, at the middle of the sem as long as you hold your held up high come graduation time.

My only consolation is that, my GWAs of late are finally hitting the extreme north in the absence of a math subject. Sorry Christian, I am NOT overly grade conscious.

My typical life went on with this busy new time fixture called deadlines. Typical meaning, thank God, I was still able to attend to org work and more importantly church work. October is anniversary month of our ministry, and God are we trying to make it a big bang. Hmmm, maybe I should volunteer to be mascot or something...

When it comes to organizations, I don't know I have this tendency to be really serious about it. Like in the JPGS thing last month, I was like the one with the royal flush face instead of the poker face. I was pretty stern, perhaps too much for a orientation party. Well, at least it can be said that Political Scientists can be Geographers as well. Hehe, am just glad that they consider me an "adopted" major. They have a wonderful small community in that department. I believe our batch can be the same. Actually, we are the same in many aspects!

By the way, I felt so stupid in PS 167 when I found out that the expression "since time immemorial" is not "since time in memoriam" which I thought it was spelled like. How many more words in my vocabulary have to be corrected or expelled?

Speaking of 167, I just had a blast with Sir Jamon. He truly lives up to the title attorney. His insights, his principles, they all jibe. What makes him all the more believable is his life story. A handful can back their bark with bite, and I wish the same could be said of us. What an honor indeed. What I like more about him is that he doesn't try so hard to convince you to become a lawyer. He even at times wants to hate his own profession. He instead inspires you to think openly, critically and take on the path you should take. Sir, hope to see you next semester.

Sure we all want lenient professors at times. It just so happens to me that, all of my so-called linient goody-goody professors did leave a mark on me. So if I take them again, and again, then I am not at fault of having no nobler reason. I take the likes of Sir Jamon, Naval, Carlos, Ortega etc. just as I would take a so-called terrors like Mam Barrameda in my Soc Sci 1 because they leave such a mark on me. Convenience in getting good grades, no, great grades from both types of teachers hardly becomes apparent to me. Just sickens me when people say that some of us take these inspiring professors just to escape the objectivist, terror types and get the easy way out. And mind you, I loved my terror professors. I credit them for my GWA. Hehe.

I am irascible nowadays. I am petulent. I am a bit too sensitive about things. Thank God I am not the same about people.

Hey guess what? I may just be a part of UP's inaugural bowling team. The thing that is saddening is that the CHK administration may think we bowlers are rich kids hanging around in Libis. Well guess what? We ain't! Bowling, as any sport is, should be for everyone. Well, UP does not have a varsity team for this unless it becomes a UAAP event. Okay, I can live with that. Marketing here and there should bring in sponsors. I like bowling for two reasons so far aside from having great company and this talkative cute girl who calls you Moja-moja (I love her for that hehehe). (1) it's far less non-contact than basketball which I last played in full court God knows when and (2) it gives you the same satisfaction as basketball and badminton especially when you're 2.a elated and 2.b outright angry. Right now, I am a combination of both. If only I knew how to strike consistently =).

I told Grace this plan of mine starting next week. By the beginning of next year, I do hope this plan takes full effect.

Arianne, chingky, you always wanted to kill yourself after exams. It should come to no surprise that you will want to eat your heart out after seeing the results!

Jason, you still owe me one. Why did you have to keep that detail from me? Anyway, I understand. We have to be classmates soon. Lots to share with you dude.

Sembreak. Ah yes, sembreak. How do I make good use of you? Let me count the ways. Or maybe I should not. We all have been doing that the past semester. Honestly, this by far has been the toughest semester ever. That is why we are the Juniors now. Time comes, we will be the Seniors. I just don't like it when Seniors try to lord it over and say that their time has come. Your time doesn't come, even in love you work for it (now I am contradicting the romance hehe). It's always there, you just felt so inferior as a freshie perhaps?

My advise? DON'T BE PART OF A SYSTEM YOU SO DESPISED BEFORE IT ATE YOU. Thing is, it ate you, now you're part of that system. Sad thing is, everything you fought for will become meaningless if revolution does not come from you.

I have no right to preach. I have no credibility, after the stupidity I have done. I am not sure what some people think of me right now. Am I the victim? No, I love to take the blame. Am I now the suspect? Let's say right now, I am the irascible.

By the way, last Saturday I had the near perfect movie experience with family---watching the Phantom of the Opera. I had this wrong impression that this was a gruesome horror flick. Quite honestly, it made me shed a tear or two. And I hated it (shedding a tear or two). It was too tragic. The music, the characters, the fatal flaw of the poor phantom. That song: "...Christine that's all I ask you." rings bells. Change topic! Change topic!

I have to have my looooooooooooooong bushy hair cut. My mom kids me saying my hair is curly. I like to call it wavy!

Marian, SIKAT, congrats sa debut peformance.

God extend your patience.

Do it the metro way

2005-09-22T13:25:00.000+08:00

I did it the metro way, yes I did.

See these posters around?

What do they exactly mean?

What is the metro way?

Ah heck, as far as touring the metro and doing a lot of firsts...yesterday was simply the definitive.

My first bus ride to Gil Puyat, let alone the first bus ride I took from Philcoa.

My first LRT1 ride since I was still 4, and a cute handsome pea!!! It's still clear to me. The last ride, when I was four is one of the few childhood memories that remain clear to me. Why? We lived in Banawe QC that time. Plus, I puked somewhere approaching the station. Simple as that. So I was reminiscing and all!

The LRT 2 going back is a far cry by the way. For once, I wanted to believe the Philippines could be like this...this orderly, this civil, this modern.

My first interview of a GSIS executive, and a business exec in a long time. This was for PS 150 by the way, and that experience was like whoa! In fairness to the man, he blew my English away, yeah I really had to fake my confidence look just to make him feel I was at par with him. I personally loved his monologues. He tried to explain how GSIS conducts its business in a nutshell. He succeeded. Plus, we get free documents that I hope are made available to the public. Thank God we connected. I hope we didn't look like ignorant students of management.

My first taste of Jimini pizza! Small, cute, inexpensive, tasty! just needs more toppings in my opinion. We (Gen and Karla) ate at the GSIS Cafeteria. It was a gloomy afternoon. We made it a bit sunnier. Everything was so corporate in appearance. Everything except the comfort room. Hmmm, something for the paper!

My first time to enter SM Manila. Wasn't impressed though. Oh well, SM malls never really did impress me in terms of aesthetics and facilities. But do we have a choice? I bought a VCD copy of Imelda for out film showing tomorrow...thanks APSM for the consent to make use of the lobby I think!

It will be better for me to disclose my plans for the CRS at a later time. Just a note, I loved the electives line up! I think the 180s are great. Wait...they're all great! I don't care if I end up taking GEs next year...I see what I want and I grab them by the hair!

Next sem is promising. CHRISTMAS! MY BIRTHDAY BASH (ang kiddy no?)! Orgs to manage, orgs to serve, orgs to organize. Did I mention orgs? Fitting in is no longer my problem. Never was. By the looks of it, never will for a long time! God, I just thank your for the doors you opened. More here and there. MULTI_TASKING I LOVE YOU! Acads...this will be a blast...time to pull that GWA above 2...for MIS!!! haha. At least I'm, clear on this. MIS is numero uno in my list.

No time for senseless things. NO time to waste. Love? It will come. Heck, I think I'm seeing things clearly now. How stupid of me. How ignorant of God's plan. I submit to His grand scheme. And it tells me to wait. Perhaps lose 50 lbs and work on a new clothing line. Perhaps sweep the dust off my heart. Perhaps set my priorities before thinking of family. Perhaps put emotions in their rightful places---within me. So love will not be in the vocabulary list...cross your fingers!

How about you? How was your metro way? A way that bridges the new ways with the better ones. A way that takes you to new heights. A way where the fast lane gets faster.

God, grant me the strength.

Sarcastic smiles and sweet hellos

2005-09-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

Is this reality?

I guess so.

Was listening to an interview the other night. The DJ of this popular radio station asks an artist about the content of his album. The artist replies: "it's about phases of my life."

I take a breathe and sigh. Are albums all about their lives, or phases of their lives? Can't they think of a new theme, something more appealing, something not about them?

C2 is a great drink. It has both the catchy packaging and the smooth delicious flavor factors that make people want to drink it. Regardless of what chemicals are put in there with the natural tea, I go and buy it. Regardless of what they say about it being one of some products dumped by Europeans here after finding out its content, I take barrels of it a month (except the green tea flavor). I love C2. Just as I love Coke more than Pepsi.

Just the same feeling with KFC. They pass around the Internet, disturbing shots of featherless chickens fattened to be slaughtered. According to the forwarders, these chickens were genetically enchanced to meet the right weight, the right size for the kill. Heck, I just tell myself that these things are untrue. And if they were, these cases are not true for the Philippines. So, I eat KFC chicken strips to my delight. I mean, we're all gonna die someday aren't we? I am gonna enjoy my KFC...hmp.

After all the activities scheduled by Buklod CSSP, all the things I hear on radio and television, I still am not sure of what to stand for on this GMA ouster issue. Not only is an alternative hanging out there in limbo, people don't mass out the way they used to---they want to live on and make things happen.

Contrary to what some activists say, I don't think this translates to people nowadays being so apathetic and less active in politics. It depends. What context? Forms of activism change. If activism is mob rallying in the streets, then I guess people are less involved. But it is not. Service to communities is activism---and sometimes, it has more sense and at times looks like the HIGHEST form of activism. I mean, that's oblation for you.

Criticizing the government is a way of helping it. Helping it in its better aspirations is helping it as well. Again I say, let us search for the truth. But the status quo is holding sway. The opposition better be aware, the other forces have launched counter-attacks and now we have Michael Ray Aquino and grand daddy USA.

My point? If society fails, government fails. Who has the right to throw the first stone?

Who is the rightful heir to the throne?

There's this weird but really sweet old lady at the Filipinana photocopying center (main lib). While I was having a book on Philippine military-civilian relations 1946-76 written no less than Ma'am Carolina Hernandez for my 171 paper on the same subject area, we shared moments or two talking about UP life. She was a former UPD student- BA English. She did not finish, pregnancy and early marriage. So she ended up as a typist, then a photocopying institution. She types thesis papers as a sideline. Makes sense, she took up typing. I felt at home speaking with this lady. There was this comfort. It was as if my lola in the States went back to have tea with me. There was this comfort. Eventually I found out that her sons and daughters are finished with their studies and two of them are in the USA, making life a whole lot easier for her.

Wow. I was thinking, and it came to me that she was working basically to keep herself busy.

How I wish.

What is an accomplished life?

I admire this lady for her opinion on things. She has a straightforward approach often heard from old ladies....lolas.

But no. My life is complicated. I made it that way. A life of sarcastic smiles and sweet hellos. I hate the drama. But I am enthralled to it. I feed off this drama more than my papers, more than my accomplishments, more than these dreams people say the have but have not.

I reiterrate my desire to live a full life. I have people to make it so. I have...argh, enough crap.

Grai, I swear I heard you over the radio - 99.5 RT. If it was not you, then I do not know how many Graces in the world lives in QC, knows Charm among many, loves Ateneo specially the Rocket JC Intal, and HAS that sleepy seducing voice of sophistication.

Argh, the cool weather is getting to me. Marikina River overflowed. I like it. I like to see rivers at their fullest, see their deadly powerful waves. A single drop of rain can aid a tidal wave somewhere else.

For now, that is life in a nutshell.

For now, I put it at that.

Regardless. God be your strength and the meaning to your nutshells.

The joy of pleasing everyone can be depressing

2005-09-12T19:48:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: this blog may just eat up your internet credit…think twice before reading. Read at your own risk. =)

That realization came after I sat and for once in a long time, listened to our pastor’s sermon. His message was all about depression and how to have hope granted the circumstances of today. A specific area dealt with an attitude in life I have that somehow gets me in a lot of trouble. By the way, I just came from a heated debate with a political ally and friend. The outcome was more than what I’d hoped for---his apology and our reconciliation. But as I said, it also told me something important about life: you can’t please everyone, all the time.

You can try. Still, you will not please everyone at all given times.

One rumor can ruin years of friendship. Your success works hand-in-hand with an overall program to bring you down. That is why we need to be humbled once in a while. No, this is not humiliation. This is meekness. This is all about recognizing that you are not omniscient or omnipresent. This is all about waking up knowing that you are yourself and that the world will always have something good and bad to say about you.

Humility---the order of the day for the tired, for the weary, for the downtrodden.

I had a short conversation with Celine using SMS. For a long time, I haven’t really been open about my dilemmas to a lady. I don’t know, to me, confiding with other men comes easier than with a woman. It should be the other way around. Well, this really depends on the receptiveness of women you converse with. Sometimes, they can make you feel afraid and all that. Credit to Celine, I was able to share bits and pieces of what I felt.

I do not know whether or not I am in a state of depression. One thing is for certain though---and that is that I am thinking more about myself nowadays. It would be good if I imagined myself ten years from now. It would be good if I thought of how I was to improve my clothing line. But no, it was more of daydreaming, self-pitying, and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

A long time for contemplation and prayer gave me this: no, I am not depressed. I am too young to say such now. Too many people have far many troubles than I do. So how dare I say I am depressed? Maybe I should pay attention to Kristian’s advice: get some sleep. I am not depressed. I have no reason to be. In the company of so many people, I should not be. Perhaps, it is that I am confused.

A life spent pleasing others and aiming to win most of the time has led me to this. My very first post in this site was a complete revelation of what I am going through. How stupid of me not to pay attention to what I said back then. It took me like 50 more posts to figure out this little issue.

I have to be completely honest about the following remarks.

Now for certain, I say this.
Recent events may have affected me. I have tried to envelop myself in the comfort of many people, many events, and many material things. This, to no avail. I am not talking about academics alone. In fact, I thank God that academics surprisingly is not presenting itself as one of the main problems. So what events have affected me? You sure know.

Friend confront me and say, so what’s up with you? Have you taken that big gamble of your life (see preceding post: the analogy section)? I smile and say I am not sure.

I am not sure.

A career of success due to God and people around me has left me unprepared? I say no. So what has left me irresolute? I do not know.

Recent events, not people.

I feel nothing this afternoon, as if life itself has been drained out of me. The very elixir of life is not with me. The feeling that God has abandoned me just as much as the feeling of reason has left me for nothing rules my heart.

I am living the monster I should not be.

Suddenly, I am getting the feeling that I am depressed. I am getting the feeling of betrayal. Everything I have done to make the lives of others somehow better, I simply can not do to myself.

I do not brag that I have affected other people’s lives. This is better left implicit, unsaid, left for others to say of you. But I say that I try. Thing is, I can’t make myself happier.

Two things:
(1) I am seeing things from a wrong perspective.
(2) I am happy as can be and there is not much point seeking more happiness for myself.

I am becoming the ghost I so refused to become---a depressed person thinking of himself most of the time. Unproductive thoughts, and as the song goes: time to face the truth, I can never be with you.

Somehow, something positive just entered my mind.

I am a poor actor. In fact, I hate drama. I’d rather go see gore in war than see two lovers kiss for like two minutes while the camera pans from all angles. I don’t get that at times.

This compilation named Chronicles is the contradiction of all this. It shows my sentimental side. It shows the romantic and the optimist in me. And I am more than glad it has. Men slave away confining emotions to themselves. I have the chance to shed some light on me and my world through Chronicles. I am proud to say, I have been true.

It sounds as if I am writing a last entry of a journal. In some sense, yes. Realistically, not really. You see, after every rant, relaying of a story, or drama seen in each of my entries, I try to give some positive ending.

For this entry, I say this:

- At times we fall to a point of confusion. Contrary to what psychologists want to call it, it is not a crisis. It is a phase. It is but normal to be depressed or feel stressed. Don’t sit there crying or eating. Go back to what you were doing and go help others. Yes, perhaps in making their lives better you can see what is indeed missing in yours. They may eventually return the favor and save you.
- Be grateful that you experience your fare share of difficulties. These nuisances will pass. You are not the only one. A man without a problem is a dead man.
- That I never in my life doubted my readers. I hope they do not doubt me. I hope they see that this is not a corny thing I do during break times. And I hope I can be a better friend. Some just need to let me in. For some, I have to open my doors.

Life is unfair? Or are you unfair to yourself? It is a matter of perspective. You deserve more. So do not at any point pull yourself down and say you are worthless. Believe me, I tried. Did not do me much good I tell you.

Monday. I become myself again. Unaware I just said this much, unaware that the system is slowly eating me whole. Next year, who knows? I may be a tweaked man. Tweaked for the best I know.

Did I say all that? Forgive me, the videoke singing downstairs is getting to my nerves. Nah, just kidding.

By the way, the social science stacks in the main lib, the gloomy area gave me a fright. Really scary.

Congrats Manny P.!

Hello Marian!

Great art Rania!

Miss you grai!

Celine.ahem!

Keep focused Jason!

Kristian tulog na!

Dominic, nice hair!

Ayen, weirdo ko kanina sa geog no?

April, alang wanten...tsk.

Grai, di ko gets...anong school of magic?

Farrah, oh well, di ka naman nagbabasa nito hehe!

WORLD, yes, let's be happy and, gay?

Come to think of it, I don’t want to change that much. Oh God I should have listened.

Jerkasaurus Rex

2005-09-07T07:24:00.000+08:00

Fascinating. One minute you think everything's fine and dandy. Another minute, you're sweating like hell.

Equally fascinating. One minute, a person is your friend. The other minute, after some word with some "friend", that one is gone. Funny what gossip can do.

Eto na ang betrayal. Eto na.

That is why I ask: Who am I to trust?

More fascinating. I am caught in the middle.

Na-confirm ko na ang sukdulan ng pambabackstab na to. I am a real quiet person at times. I can be real down and serious. I can be real generous. I try to be a good friend. So let me be down and serious while being generous and a friend...

But now, my patience has been stretched. Nanggagaliiti na ako e. Beware a man without enemies. Beware of a man who seeks to befriend the world. When he is pricked, he can be a scheming thorn. His innocence in the art of betrayal can actually make him do things beyond your imagination. Pasalamat ka tsong hindi ako yung tipo na yun....

Dito ko lang ilalabas ang sama ng loob ko. Alam ko binabasa to ng ilang friends nya, okay lang tutal nasabi ko naman sa kanila e at thank God they know which side they are on. Allow me to be evil just this once. Here goes...

Pare, ano ba problema mo?!

Tingin mo sa akin jerk?! Dude naman, kung inggit ka or anything sabihin mo lang sa akin. Madali naman ako kausap e. Ako pa hihingi ng paumanhin. Ayoko na mag-imply, dude explicit na to...asar ako sa ginawa mo. Hindi ako galit sa iyo...given lahat ng kalokohang ginawa mo sa akin. Pasalmat ka. Pagdarasal pa kita. Di to dinadaan sa backstab. Harapan to. OKay? May gusto ka sabhin? Sabihin mo? Ano tingin mo sa akin? Uumbagin ka oras marinig ko panig mo? INDE!!! Kaya itigil mo na pagngiti sa harapan ko. Wag ka na ngumiti. Saan pa lahat ng samahan natin? Saan?

Sige, ako na ang jerk. Ako na ang walang kuwentang tao ANG SARAP APAKAN. Lagi naman diba dude? Ano kasalanan ko? Ala, masarap lang ako upakan. Anong kakumagan naman yan?

Pasensya kung may mali akong ginawa. Di ko siguro alam yun. Pasensya na, okay?

Dude, usap tayo. Dude, sabihm mo sa akin. Ayoko dalhin to hanggang Pebrero. Ayoko na. Pabigat sa buhay e.

Ako ang jerk. Pre, ako. Ako na sige po. Ayoko suklian ng karampatang aksyon ang pinagagawa mo...lunas na lang.

On to other matters. Drama ba? Hehe actually nakangiti ako. Alam naman naming dalawa ang mga pagkukulang namin e. We're cool. Kelangan lang pag-usapan over isaw siguro.

Poor jerk can't hold on to grades, can't hold on to time, can't hold on to love?

A point of clarification about this rumors schwumors putting me against a great friend of mine on one simple issue called love...because it's making me sick and making it difficult for other parties involved. And though these are just rumors, I feel responsible to kill this one. Or if not, take the spotlight off me. Defensive? No. Just putting things into perspective.

I'll put it like this. I never had an intimate relationship with any woman outside my world. Another way. I never had a formal relationship with any woman who happened to step into my life out of nowhere...short, a stranger whom I took in and then developed this thing called love. To begin with, what is love? If love is having a crush on someone, sure I am guilty. BUT love is not like that. It is something deeper. And I didn't have THAT DEEP thing. Gets? Great!

So that ends it. Oksie doksie? Call me jerkasaurus rex for not pushing this button or not chasing something you may think I should have. Thank you. I guess I have the final say. And I say no. Let's not complicate things. I do not want to be a burden to anyone. Never wanted to be anyone's enemy. And I thank my friend for saying that it is a "matter of understanding" (winks) hehe. We're cool.

To some, speaking of things like this can be the highest form of cowardice. Why? Some things are better left private. On the contrary, I think this is one of the more difficult things in life to do. The truth hurts. At least this one did not. I say, all emotions aside, that this did not. "All emotions aside?"

THIS IS ANOTHER OF JERKASAURUS' ANALOGIES (walang kinalaman sa anuman, naisip ko lang dala ng tapang ng kape dito)
Ang pag-ibig, parang asa pila ka ng jeep. Bakante ang harapan. So deretso ka naman. LOKO! Little do you know that this was a big gamble. You miscalculated. There are two possibilities (1) may sakay pala actually (2) may sisingit sa harap out of nowhere. E nangyari ang (1) Rather, you did not see things clearly. Nakayuko lang pala yung magkapalampungan. Pag-angat nila, kita mo, syet, puno na ang harapan. But you can't turn back. Kasi dere-deretso naman ang pagpasok ng mga nasa likod mo. Wala kang mapuntahan. Lalarga na ang jeep. So sobrang hiya, punta ka sa likod ng pinaka-likod. Nagmamasid. Balisa. This is your depression stage. Some of us, out of pride, alis na lang sa buong pila at bawi bayad para mag-bus na lang. Some of us do recover, they fall in line and take a chance on another jeep. But their heart is not the same. Andun yung markang iniwanan nung unang gamble. Apparently you failed before. Would you want to take the plunge again? Gaya ng sinabi, ang iba lilipat na lang sa uncertainty ng bus. Some of us, out of delikadeza, susunod sa pila. They choose the lesser evil. So upo na lang sa likod. Tanong? Masaya ka ba? Kung ang hilig mo sa buhay ay umupo sa harapan, magiging masaya ka ba? Love is a gamble. It is about the highest forms of nothingness that make you the better person. It is about the best things in life. Would you choose second best? I do not. Some of us, they go ahead sa harapan, may magandang babae rin kasi dun. Kaso loko ka, may sumingit. Tapos nanaman. Ulit ang cycle. PERO, some succeed. They get the girl and the front seat in life. Good for them. Rebound dude. Laban lang. If for the right reasons, darating ang tama para sa iyo.

LAMENTATIONS CHAPTER 1 VERSE 28
Siguro pangit ako. But no one's too ugly not to be loved.
Siguro bobo ako. Pero mayroon din namang nagpapauto.
Siguro ala ako nun at ganun. Shocks.
Or baka (yabang lang to) meron ako lahat nun, di lang tugma sa partner in life?

I swear at the end of this blog, I'll sigh and leave it all to you.

At least malinaw na...sana ang mga bagay-bagay. At kung hindi mo alam ang rumor. Wag mo itanong sa akin. Smile lang kapalit nyan. Ayoko manakit ng tao. Ayoko rin magmukhang kawawa DAHIL HINDI.

NYEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHE! Ang sarap ng pakiramdam? Emancipation.

Pray for the health of Dr. Carlos...and her paper presentation.

Pray for your friends.

Pray for this country. Honestly, I don't feel the way I do about the anti-GMA campaign as I did with ERAP. Litaw siguro ang bias. Pero though I need the truth. I also need to live. We need to live. Naguguluhan talaga ako sa issue na to. but there, GMA's influence clearly stands out. Rather, her allies' strength.

Pray that you still know what it is to pray. For if not, God have mercy we're going to the dogs.

Rant Aftermath

2005-08-31T07:29:00.000+08:00

A lot of people dismiss the sacred act of ranting for several reasons in my opinion:

(1) they do not wish to hurt another’s feelings, maybe they’re afraid to
(2) they are unsure of what they rant about and how they are to defend their claim
(3) they basically have given up on the system, and no longer bother
(4) in the first place, they just don’t give a damn

Ranting is faultfinding, make no mistake about that. But, raving about something that needs raving about is always a welcome idea. In my UP days, as with my high school days, I think I have complained and expressed my disgust on the system more than a lot of us. Yet I raise, there is a need to describe the current order of things. There is a need to speak up, and then do something about it. At times, I am given the position of power to initiate some reform. I am only human though. I am one lonely voice in a stream of ideas that, not generally, tend to go with the flow. Few people face the music and make their voice heard. Therefore, do not expect change to occur that easily. Positive change, that is. It can be amusing that from something so pessimistic, new hope springs forth.

Hope must spring forth. If one is to rant, I suppose one must have the following to back one up:

(1) the evidence to defend the predicate
(2) the will to face the consequences of one’s actions
(3) a relatively beneficial motive
(4) a solution attached to every claim, at least a silly proposal

I see the indifference, the unserious nature, even the pathetic misconduct in SOME, not all, of these entities:

(1) government
(2) university
(3) society in general
(4) life and love
(5) student organizations

Government because everything bad can just be everything good there. Sorry mom, I really have a bleak view of your offices. University because I really thought people meant business here most of the time. Society because its failure is the failure of everything it creates. Life and love because I am losing both. Student organizations because some of them just don’t get it…simple as that.

And mind you, they have the right to call you bitter, lunatic, KSP??? Sheeshkabobs! Look who’s talking now? Look who’s open to criticism and free discourse now?

I am well aware that I am to be nailed to the cross for the perfectionist in me. My proposals can seem if not impossible, near to crazy. Care to wonder where my ideas come from? I give more than due credit to church. Yes. My family draws a lot, if not all, morals from church. Whereas some people just would like to see the fault of another, I try to make it constructive using an idealist view given by a church. Corny isn’t it? I meant for this blog to be corny. It’s 7am on a Wednesday, I had sleeping cramps and my body simply aches to the max.

Going back to corny, how many of us ever considered tackling these corny topics?

Uhm, Oh Juliet let me count the ways. FEW. Yes, few. Forgive my sarcasm.

If this is a war between realists and idealists, I think I have more of my fair share of allies. I have Rania, Venus, and Grace to name a few. I SMSd Rania last night. I had an idea what her reply was. In these matters, we connect. Well, we connect on a lot of things anyway. I know for certain that most of Political Scientists, and humanity, are still in touch with their idealist side---the side that wishes that change may start though gradually.

I find utopia in nearly everything, basically because I have a God and a paradise notion. To the empiricist, they would simply dismiss this as my bias. Now I somehow understand why people are just so stubborn and proud. Now I get religious suicides, people who give up their lives, all their wealth to do charity work. NOW, I HOPE YOUR RATIONAL ASSUMPTION EXPLAINS THAT.

Can you explain why Sir Naval would donate his expensive car for a cause he believed in using causality of plausible variables A+B+C=E?

It demeans people you know. It makes them look self-serving. Partially? Yes. Entirely? NO!

We are irrational beings at times.

Ranting at times has done me some good. I overheard Pats Alcantara yesterday afternoon and was shocked at his little offer. Guess what? Another org! Guess what? A chance to earn money. He writes piles of articles for good pay. I said, wow. So he got his paycheck after leisurely ranting or commenting on society. As for the org part, I more than amazed. Having real intentions other than personal gain in writing a resume never has been better. You see, at times, I don’t force my way when it comes to orgs. At an earlier time sure I was excited that I barged in. Now, I let the opportunities come. Then I grab them in the hair. Know that Greek fiction Opportunity has only hair in the front part of the head. Once it passes, it’s gone for good.

I don’t collect orgs to have more friends or to feel secure. I have that and more. I join orgs in whose cause I find much joy as much as pain. God is my boss after all. Ciao!

Dahil naawa ako kay F1

2005-08-28T23:13:00.000+08:00

Just happened to select the "show office assistant" option on my Word Help drop down box. Then pops out the robot character (if you know Clippit, he's one of fellow Office Assistants) named F1 ( I really looked up his name).

F1 is so cute. He has more significant animation movements, and he's one slick and savvy robot. As I said, he is so cute. Reminds me of... guess who? Me! Big eyes, loves to look around, innocent look? No longer do I have most of those features, particularly the innocent look feature. Now, I scare kids. Like in church a while back, there was this cute (again for lack of a cuter term) baby cuddled by his daddy who happens to work with me in our multimedia team. The baby looked at me and was like in awe of what monster stood in front. She was staring with eyes wide open. She struggled to break free from daddy's clutch out of some fear of what she saw.

Then I did a "funny" face. She cried. Cried softly. So I put on a corny face, pretending to beg for her to smile. She smiled.

And I said to myself: (what a wondeful world) "How can I possibly miss this for the world?" If only women were babies, and men could recall their childhood---other than that they pretended to be soldiers or they hunted down spiders.

F1 is cute. When I closed Word, there's this closing act where either F1 explodes or he gets pulled out of the picture. Both using coercion. If I were the creator of this application, I'd have something else. I'd make him bow or tip off his robot head, or make him dance gracefully rather than blow up or get pulled out.

There are no classes tomorrow. Babies don't care about that. I do. And yet to me, the world becomes far simpler if seen through simple eyes---where frameworks don't puzzle you or present glare to your vision.

I want to see things in the eyes of a baby. And yet, I want to be strong enough, notable enough to have right and say that something so simple as F1 is cute...and then sigh. Get me? We want to be in that higher sanctuary so that we can laugh at everyone. And yet when it gets to the finish line, you would have rather been one of your subjects than a tyrant who can't sleep his life through.

Mind you, I just finished watching Van Helsing. Hey, and I am not that heavy on my topic!

Life does not have a formula. It is a collection of idiosyncrasies. You decorate it. You say, I want to sleep than go to church. You may choose to join an organization and regret it in the end. You may fall in love, but wonder what your reasons were to begin with. Thing is, you give meaning to every moment.

And as the King of Jerusalem said: "(when you face God)...You can't say: "Oh but I was told to do such." or that virtue wasn't convenient at that time. No, this will not suffice."

Will I have this chance to raise a baby into a great man? Far ahead thinking, some may say. You have no idea how far into the future I contemplate on. I dream big, though I am small. And an ode to Dom my great confadant: It is a matter of understanding.

Hay Dom, will we ever have the chance to find the ones of our lives? I'll raise you a bet, like I did with Jason that you will find yours first before I find mine. Kristian, I would love to have the same bet. Why do I do this? Belittling myself? Making people feel good about themselves? No, I sincerely have faith that my time has not yet come, and that some people have theirs earlier.

(Sobs) And I don't want to adopt a kid!!! Buhuhuhu! Hehehe. Kidding.

My new theme song for the month: Hanggang Kailan by Orange and Lemons. Not only do I sing this song with feeling as if I were the original singer, I find some rhythm to it that pierces right through.

Like these lines: Di mapigilang mag-isip. Na baka sa tagal, mahulog ang loob mo sai iba. Nakakabalisa. Knock on wood wag naman sana....umuwi ka na baby.

Just imagine me singing this. Oh, am I so inspired today!

Hope the Buklod exhibit is. Do visit our website, once it is functional again---thanks Jeff!
JPGS Gen ass this Tuesday, need I say more? Hope we deliver the goods. AM working on the GPOA powerpoint presentation as we speak...rather, as I type.

It is a matter of understanding. It is a matter of being. Corny as it sounds...I consider it cute. God...make me cute...ahehehehe, make us cute, cute enough to feel better about ourselves and once and for all...just live.

A toast to the bitter man

2005-08-25T21:17:00.000+08:00

Make no mistake about it, I am the bitter man. And what's worse than a bitter man? A real bitter day. There is one phrase that will describe how I feel today. That is the feeling of being betrayed. For some reason, that is how I feel today. Betrayed. It just came out of nowhere.

Well okay it did come from somewhere. My theory is: that it just came to me after I heard some bad news about a friend of mine. Nothing bad happened to my friend, she just gave me disappointing news.

It is clear to me that I have no power to influence my friends over certain decisions of theirs. It is apparent that I cannot manipulate their thoughts toward my liking. But at that moment, I wish I had the power. I wish I had enough charisma or appeal in me to make that friend choose something I'd really like for her. Reality is, I could not. Reality is, I have nothing much to offer outside my own product, or my own words. If there's one of few things business and love have in common, it is this: players can not mess with some other person's free will, ideally.

Some people, they just have this ability to change the environs and force people or convince them to go contrary to convention. Me, I rely on rhetoric. Sometimes I wish I was this dude in a Nissan X-trail driving to school wearing fitting shirt and slick jeans with matching shades. The dude who reaches for his trendy phone and then grabs his car alarm and the car does that "doot doot" sound. I wish that at times...be glamor boy, and have enough brains and heart to spill over girls out there.

Case is, I am not Mr. Perfect. I lack on some things women die for. For one, I have low self-esteem. Two, I'm a simple guy with grand dreams that are hard to understand. Three, well, I'm not a lot of people's type. But it's my problem I guess.

You know that groom in the movie, when it's the wedding seen, then the bride is about to say I do? Then this man in shining armor says he objects. Aww and the lady leaps into his arms. Not much is said about Mr. Poor Bye Bye for his role has ended, there isn't much air time for losers. For variation, you know dating flicks...guy and girl engaged and then after a one night stand, Ms. girl has new perspective on things and dumps mr. long-term relationship for mr. right? Sheesh.

IT IS UNFAIR. Mind you, I am mr.long-term relationship, I am the man waiting for my bride BUT COME TO THINK OF IT, I am not mr. right and am not at all deserving to be a groom for a lot of ladies. THis has nothing to do with how I feel betrayed, it just augments the feeling.

Grace has this feeling that I'm sort of rushing things when it comes to intimate relationships. In more ways than one, that is correct.

Marian comforts herself in knowledge that she might be an old maid and quite bluntly, die alone. In more ways than one, that is incorrect.

But me? I'm the one who gets left out to smile while the world spins so fast and gives me the look as if saying: "Where have you been all this time bucko?"

Selfish. Me talking about me...that's selfish. But a good friend in Rania told me once: "people have bad days". I agree, and I'm having one right now. Isn't it obvious I'm demanding so much attention here? I do not command attention, I demand it sometimes. That's wrong.

Christianity encourages us to set examples and let the people be enlightened by our actions. It's not the other way around where you impose your doctrine on people. RELEVANCE friends.

I am a bitter man. I think I should embrace my childhood pillow, the one I have a wrestling match with every night for the past n-years. I think I should bury my head and cry. But wait, I have no tears to shed. I have to mask my emotions and pretend to be strong more often than not. In 110, sure I was happy. I felt dominant. I felt great. After lunch, I felt weak. I felt humbled. I felt betrayed because one simple bad news. But I could only blame myself.

It's not that this friend of mine meant something more to me than all the rest. It was just the timing of when she said it. I wasn't prepared. But in life, I guess I never was fully prepared. Taking to account the stupidities I have done to have a relationship, you would certainly agree.

Just like I was never prepared to take the plunge and earn a 5 in math 17. You know, bad memories tend to band together more easily than happy thoughts. Actually they do a heck better job.

Tomorrow, I face economics, ps 171 and ps 150. Saturday, I face ps 167 and prod work for Buklod CSSP. Monday, 110 and geog 171. Tuesday, a General Assembly and all the stuff it necessitates. Repeating cycles. Yes, perhaps that's why I feel so low.

I am getting sick and tired of routine. If you have a lot of plans in life, most certainly a year of routine can make you sick and worse, loose your idealism. Too late to complain now.

But if perhaps I imagined myself ten years from now, maybe a teacher of pol sci 180, or a junior ambassador, or someone in UN; it may just be better for Mr. Bitter.

I am slowly giving up on the corruption that is our people. In UP, evident. Everywhere, evident. Truly, is there still room for passion, creativity, ideas, vision, and life itself?

I take a look at the executive summary waiting to be accomplished, I find the answers and smile. God be my witness, for in this world, who can be?

Consider it done

2005-08-21T15:29:00.000+08:00

Eto mga friends ang phase sa isang sem na katatapos ng midterms, alam mong may mga nakaatang pa na papers, pero ayaw mo muna isipin. This is the time of the sem when everything comes to a halt, much credit to your deliberate attempt to make it so. Oh the emnity. I call this time, the "consider it done" phase.

I don't want it to end.

Yes, consider it done. As far as midterms are concerned, yes they are done...finished, tapos, todas.

ECON WAS A ewan. Had to have a debate with Sir Rene, an econ grad from Ateneo just to make sure I had some right answers to celebrate about...buhuhuhu!

And yes, consider it done. As far as a future of long term papers, more exams, field work, org work...yes they have to be done...gagawin, aatupagin, charot (for a lack of a better catchy term).

Ayokong mag-isip. Ayoko. Kahit yung report sa rational actor bukas, ayokong basahin. This is my choice. My choice to defy everything GEEKISH. My choice to be in this net cafe, texting friends, waiting for 4 o'clock to arrive for a youth ministry meeting. To me, that makes more sense. To me, for now, it does make more sense.

Naramdaman nyo na ba yun? You want to do something right and be the good guy, but apparently your system does not want to budge. Forgive me for explaining things in general terms, but I guess it has to be. I could not define this feeling, hanging by a moment.

So what does matter to me aside from these extra-curriculars and community stuff that take up 50% of my time, 65% my energy? Here are but a few:

Grai. I am not clear on what that guy wants, but at times, do not deny yourself the right to feel something that hurt you before. Second chances. It varies over time and people. Tis up to you to see right through him. But is it your problem anyway?

Kristian. You still haven't told me what in me made me complacent? Much of the best this Wednesday. I don't know if I was being too sensitive, but I felt uneasy about a person after econ exam. Why bother?

Marian. People around you should know better. They should tell you to wear make up. But never for a moment think that I prefer women who powder themselves with make-up. Natural beauty. My mom and I argue a LOT on this, she loves make-up...I don't like clowns...hahaha (joke, my mom looks like a Hollywood actress in its peak days in the 1960s ...u know that Audrey Hepburn type...haha)

Sa LAHAT NG JPGS PEOPLE: I hope I don't disappoint. Interested parties, lapitan lang ang big daddy ng geog...that's me ahahaha. Tandaan tues 5:30 sa PH 204 ang Gen Orientation, we might have a workshop this Wed afternoon. Not to worry, I believe in this cause... and I will have to make you believe. Again, Geog isn't about maps and capitals...tis everything spatial in this world...the natural and the social. Thanks for investing in this venture I am much certain will pay off...haven't been this excited bout an ORG, partially cause am part of the fouding process....that doesn't come that often...that something so big and so interesting becomes so open to us UP peepz.

BUKLOD CSSP ANNIV NA!!! Wow, loaded, prod work pa lang hilo na ako but tis all good!

Am out of bright ideas, or anything to talk about. But in the end...it will all be said and done... God willing, I can say: Consider it done!

The one that got away

2005-08-18T12:10:00.000+08:00

The one that got away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared
something special, ones who will always mean
something. There's the one you
first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you
lost your virginity to, the
one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...
and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that
person with who everything was
great, everything was perfect, but the timing was
just wrong. There was no
fault in the person, there was no flaw in the
chemistry, but the cards just
didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner
that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I
can actually argue that an
equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to
do with the matter of
timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle
down and commit to someone
in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of
giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even
realizing it? When you're not
ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't
matter who you're with, it
just doesn't work. Small problems become big;
unconsequentials become
dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and
it shows. It's not that you
and the person you're with are no good; it's just
that it's not yet right, and
little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And
when this happens you'll be ready
to settle down with someone. He or she may not
be the most perfect, they might
not be the brightest star of romance to ever have
burned in your life, but
it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because
it's the right time and
you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really
will.

So that day comes when you're finally making
sense of things, and you find
yourself to be a different person. Things are
different, your approach is
different, you finally understand who you are and
what you want, and you've
become ready because the time has truly arrived.
And mind you, there's no
telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're
single but you could be in a
long-term relationship, you could be married with
three kids, it doesn't
matter. All you know is that you've changed, and
for some reason, the one that
got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll
wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with
me as I am and not as I
was?"
That's what the one that got away is. The
biggest "What if?" you'll have in your
life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got
away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy
tale you think your marriage
is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully
you're mature enough to
realize that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another
test of your commitment, one which will just
strengthen your marriage when you
get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every
so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but
it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's
already married. In which case it's
the same thing. You just have to accept and know
that your memories of that
person will probably bring a nice little smile to your
lips in the future when
you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's
different.
What do you do if it's
not yet too late?

Simple...find him, find her. Because the very
existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder, what if you got
that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it
doesn't matter if you've
dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised,
you just might be "the one
that got away" as well for the person who is
your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't
make a difference. If the
timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into
place
somehow and you know,
I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end,
to be able to say to
someone,

"Hey you, you're the one that ALMOST got away."

A strange feeling

2005-08-15T14:58:00.000+08:00

Ever came from an exam where you felt a bit uneasy...okay...rather unsure of your performance that the only thing that will calm your nerves down is the very sight of a passing mark of that exam?

This is how I feel now about the 110 exam we took some hours ago. I don't know if I put enough there to earn a great score, heck, I don't even know if I am to get a respectable score. More often than not, outside math, this feeling means something good is about to happen with the exam. Sometimes it's unexpectedly passing, at times, it's getting that lovely "one".

But we all know that somewhere out there in time, an exception is about to occur...and more often than not...it can hurt big time.

Hmmm, another sensation tingling up my spine...celebration mood! Two of my organizations are celebrating either an anniversary or a launching this month to early September. BK or Buklod will have its anniversary, highlighting fourteen years of service to the college which also means the longest run for any party in campus. I do not know whether or not emphasizing this would do us good or spell disaster due to this proposition: What if people make Buklod's dominance as reason not to vote for it next elections? I myself am a bit weary of this thought. Rumors are all about. But I think most of you know that there are three, not two, major parties or coalitions now battling for university supremacy: the red, the blue, and the yellow.

I keep on thinking though, why not black? Black is definitive of leadership...by the way. It is not of darkness or the color of the devil. Psychological studies do back up the claim that black is the color of greatness, of leadership, of grand things.

Besides, you can't go wrong wearing black. It's always in. Well, just make sure there's a complement color---which is easier than say finding a color combo for pink or neon green. I love green by the way, dark green...so cool to the eyes, besides I was used to coloring my grade school works of art with green mainly because I was fond of drawing mountains and nothing else.

The Junior Philippine Geographical Society continues its surge as one of the hotter organizations in the campus. For those who ask, yes I am very very much involved in the cause. It is a professional organization for geog enthusiasts. AS for the moment, founding membership will be granted to all parties (bonafide undergrad studes of UPD). Then? An application process I do hope will keep up with its professional function.

Third feeling that is peculiar to me...that of outright frustration. Does it get to your head...a rush of blood?

The Filipinos should consider three important national virtues it has that may have been part of the reason for where we are and are heading to: (this according to US Ambassador to Cambodia Mussonelli (?))

1. Being loyal
2. Easy to forgive and forget
3. Resilient

and I add the fourth: faultfinding

Imagine where being loyalty to kin, barangay, or ethnic group has led us to. Imagine where forgiving and forgetting past crimes has led us to.
Imagine where resiliency to present conditions and living CONTENT has led us to.
Imagine where faultfinding instead of following a national vision has led us to.

Yes, they are more positive than they are detrimental to growth, in ESSENCE. Now think again, and I will not say more.

Another thing that made me boil over was our experience supporting, yes supporting OUR national team to the Wushu Federation. Our church has a program called More than Medals that supports athletes with potential but not given ample support by the government.

Here's why:

1. They (our national coaches and officials) say a twelve year old girl is too young and won't stand a chance.
2. They stay in thousand dollar suites while our athletes are given canned sardines for a protein meal.
3. Or they may demand that our players not eat in a buffet for participants.
4. They give a STAINED NATIONAL FLAG for display in the opening ceremony. It is so bad that a representative has to sign a paper stating that the flag was stained to begin with.
5. When our supported team wins a silver and stunned the world, they say they should be thanked after making "internal arrangements."

what really shocked and awed me to point of breaking down was this:

6. The father tells her daughter that she wins because of good looks.

DAMN. DAMN. That's all, God save this country.

I have some things to say to those who can't help themselves but defy the government, any administration, and any initiative if any. This taken from a frustrated middle class man... I added some.

1. Pay your taxes before you have right to say your money is stolen by corruption, let alone say that you contribute much to your country.
2. Help your government for just once and see where it takes you...for a change...please for a change...And please, enough of vague terms like alienation without operationalization.
3. Armed struggle is the highest form of activism according to you, not to everyone else.
4. Beware your labels or what you brand people with. Don't return the favor, if they call you extremists don't play with mud and call them fascists. Be ready to defend your predicate.
5. You win by playing by the rules. If the rules don't serve you fairly, don't kill everyone to make sure you're the only one left. Example, why not try submission instead of subversion for a start? Sobriety please.

Who are the masses? What is the Philippines? the elitist? the rallyist? the one who gets a paycheck with taxes reduced? or those who don't give a shit?

What a sad combination of faces, but these are faces of prominence here.

And MIND YOU, there is some truth in saying that: U.P. is a microcosm of this society. We (UP people) fail...some fail...then all else fails.

To those who have a God, think of it that he puts leaders where they are. Make sure they (leaders) listen to you, or pray they do and pray you can do something helpful too...God will respond.

And isn't it reassuring of your faith to know that the world losing faith in God and all the morality and ethics of this world already has been predicted since when, I don't know? It's funny, people say they are correct, while Rorty states no it is out of solidarity of communities. Haha, well, what if prophets had already foreseen the post-modern thought as one of them part of a grand design for the world? If this is true, then all thoughts attempting to take us away from belief in a higher order of things are false. Haha, if this is true. I hope that it, or one version of it does hold.

Last strange feeling: a beating heart. I don't feel my heart nor listen to it beating. I don't know why, I never thought my love life will ever go on or have fruiful end. I just hoped. Some hours back, it happened again. I know it's only a trick. I know it's the devil again, or something maybe a chicken piece stuck at the airpath.

I want to live. I want to be part of a revolution that will help my people be what they have to be---no short of great. But changing the system is not enough. Maybe it should start with me and all the way up instead.

I want to love someone new. I made this clear some blogs back. I just can't make the right move, can't decide on whether I am to break free or seal my fate by making another stupid mistake.

Am I desperate? I have a feeling that people think I am. Well, as far as the people in the Council Office see me, I think I am.

Alas, I have one life. She has one life. You have one life. If it can't be special, then it can't be worth living.

My fate is not sealed. But there are people who think they can close their doors so easily and end your efforts. My fate is not revealed yet.

One type of person I do not like is one who lives in pretention. I know at times I am guilty of keeping my feelings to myself. It is only perhaps through this blog that I am to shed some light from within. I am guilty, she might be. Others are also guilty of this---such dishonesty.

Walking home beneath the AS Parking Lot treeline, I think. Who can I trust? Do I become a pragmatist, suspicious of people around me? Do I become a blatant realist? Do I become a prick, always looking behind ready to strike? My judgment was clouded. Constantly, I try to put things for their positive value, perhaps at times, setting aside their real worth. Then I hear a voice and I see a dear friend. If she's reading this, she'll know by the instant. I give her a sharp but happy look, remind her of a meeting the next day...tomorrow.

Quite frankly, I am losing prospect of tomorrow. The corruption of the world? The ending of all times?

In the end, I stick to my ideals and breathe in...then smile. It'll be alright. I am blessed. You are blessed.

For a feeling I want to learn how to feel....
For a person out there who might smile back....
For a love that is not my doom....

Oh poetry, bind me in righteousness!

Oh am I so happy!!!!

Again...

Thanks and God bless!

Everything but the girl

2005-08-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

And so I round up this week with another edition of me and my wishful thinking...

I have not much to say but say itself, I have nothing much to ask for than a question itself, I have not much to live for than live for everything else....

Reading through the lines you'll find out that I'm just using word play to quench my insatiable thirst for doing something great about nothing...notice people, I'm using pronouns to transmit concepts here!

Here goes everything and anything...and at random if I may

I should have lent Mara my umbrella and let myself take the drizzle and the gail-force winds as we (APSM people) walked or shall I say braved the storm from Econ to Palma....it was the least I could do, if only I didn't think much about the very motives of my actions and attempts.

Bring home the bacon and eggs a...kappalakasan na! GO PS!!

I should have taken Ayen all the way to Psych Building. Ayen praises me for being such a gentleman. Well, I am not much...but perhaps I took her to the gate instead of letting her cross the street alone would be much proof of gentlemanship remaining in me.

I should have gone to Econ class. And let that be the end of it.

I should have studied for 150 recitation. All I did back there some hours ago was stutter and get lost in the vastness of my thoughts while ma'am Rebullida was giving me the impatient smile.

I should have waited for the next jeepney, the one with a wider pathway inside. That be so that I wouldn't have had my jeans stained.

I should have been less talkative about personal stories to Marian last time around. I never anticipated her reaction. To begin with, making her rememember painful memories that has nothing to do with me and her was not in my to-do list for the day. Sorry =(

I say this again. Sometimes, it's better if we guys let the girls do the talking. BUT, isn't it also true that when guys keep shut and give that stare instead girls tend to think two things for a start: "That the dude is interested in my face and nothing else." or two, "He's a great conversation piece...I wish he could have said more. We could have connected you know."

I should have given the fifty peso bill to the jeepney driver. That way I shouldn't have gone through the rigors of getting my bill changed for coins because the next jeepney I took had none.

I should have saved money left from this week's allowance. I am now in a fiscal crisis wherein my average cost of living is being pulled up big time by variable costs, sometimes, externalities.

I should have spoken to Rania in our little heart-to-heart talk in Econ about many things that DO matter. Then again, I'm glad I didn't take much of her time. Thanks Rani, much appreciated!

I should have stayed with Mau and Grace in that foggy evening waiting for an SM jeep. I was rather intolerant. Forgive me girls, I tried to stay. I wanted to make sure both of you were sitting down there...happy. So selfish of me to just pack up and go home. ALSO, I should have offered Ferdie a walk home..please pray for his sprained foot.

I should have played basketball instead of mumbling senseless things on my sound recorder. Believe it or nor, I have confessions right here in my PC....haha!

I should have told my mom that I have already done stupid things for love in UP, and I think I'll be doing just that in no time. She knows a bit, she approves...but she's also hasty. I am.

Haven't been that open to mom lately, and I hate it.

I should have congratulated Farrah for her great report. Anyone care to disagree?! Haven't been disappointed in any one report in 110...well, my report, I still have afterthoughts. I could have gone deeper and more scholastic you know. Again, congrats..Celine...good luck...

But then, better shut up and give people the smile instead. Just a foray, I think I'll never ever have a deep enough conversation with other people, particularly girls for this reason:

I DON'T DESERVE MUCH ATTENTION.

I start a conversation with hello. I go on ask her name, age, course and those details that have become a part of the SOP. Thing is, after SOP I go to SOS. I don't know what to say...not that I don't have interest, or have anything interesting to say...am just tongue tied. TORPE! TORPE the TORPEDO dapat tawag sa akin...I fear the very look of disinterest in a girl...and for the times I had much desire for a lady...same dilemma and poof ...deado.

buhuhu.

I should have not spilled Pepsi Blue all over the council office jumping like a wet dog. I jumped all around while the pressure escaped from the Blue. I didn't know what to do. I should have covered it but I am a MAN, and we're kinda slow and panicky on these occasions. SHUKS!!!

I should have taken more time to attend BUKLOD, JPGS, VOLCORPS, PAHINUNGOD, SUB, lahat-lahat na patong-pating meeting, promote this, do that, prod work, research work, AAAAAAHHHH God, let alone church work I can't ever set as second priority. Acads. Acads. I am first a student. But isn't it also true that I am first a citizen, a Christian, a family member and a friend before I am a student? Guys, babawi talaga ako..pag Papa Bear na ako!

By the way, for those who asked...yes I am a member of Buklod CSSP (MALAPIT NA ANNIV WEEK WHOOHOOOH!), and no I don't think that makes me a lesser Pol Sci student...whoever punk came up with that idea? Just is despicable to hear that remark from a Pol Sci major...appalling! So we are the critical ones ei? Sorry, good ol Papa Bear ain't home, stress has brought out the more rational practical Grizzly bear...grrrr! heheh!

And yes, thanks for showing interest in the Junior Philippine Geographical Society. Yes, founding membership lahat ng papasok, yes this is a professional national org, yes this is National Geographic stuff and then some..geog is more than maps and capitals---it's in urban planning, movies, arts, geology...name it!

Heck even blogging---the concept of personal space is geographic!

Be one of us nyark 5:30 ng Tues of August sa PH204....see posters and print ads

I should have written about another topic. OR I should not have blogged in the first place.

With 110 and econ up there, papers in 171 (right Celine?) and 150 (go tropang n8) knocking on my door...what's there to blog???

I REPLY, THERE's EVERYTHING ALL AROUND US AND WE JUST COULD NOT SEE IT.

We're given this once chance to pass by and be mortals and all we could think of is playing safe, securing our future, and making ourselves look great. And who'll be the judge of that? Hope it's your barangay not your barber alone.

We become so cruel to people we're annoyed to. We become so protective of ones we do not want to let go of.

Mau, Farrah and Celine..Jason...Xtian....James... Marian...Ate Arianne Reyes at Pau Caspellani hehe...Dom...Louie......Rani...even you Grai, my official circle of advisers (may permission pa yan) andami no???!!, marami pa from n8 mga consultants like sila ANn superb dancing diva, Jhe, Gayle etc I do hope you're reading this... if ever I am to seek for the woman of my dreams be certain of these seven things:

1. You know her. Or you will be the first to know her.
2. Before I make any stupid move, I have first sought the kingdom of God and his righteousness.
3. There is not much impulse in this, but a combination of emotion and rational thinking.
4. I by that time full understand my motives.
5. I am ready, including finances and all.
6. That I know what it is to like and what it is to love...you like someone you love but it does not work the other way around.
7. That before I do, I will be confident...in myself, that you guys out there have your companions na rin or at least I helped inspire you to not confine your feelings....not quel it...not be hypocritical..but face the music and live your life...

GOD FILL US UP...with what? hmmm, sunshine???Hhehehehe!

Dancing in the dark

2005-08-08T12:33:00.000+08:00

Hold off on making up your mind about someone until you have all the facts -- remember, facts, not conjecture -- about them in place. This relationship is far too valuable to toss just on some hearsay.---galing sa Friendster horoscope...I don't know what to say...ewan lang talaga...

I've never in my recent life ever wanted to listen to Bruce Springsteen. When I was a child of course I had no choice but dig the music my parents frequently listened to---no wonder I sill like the Beatles, Bee Gees, and hmm...the Cascades and Critters. You guys should here the Critters track titled "dyingly sad". Going back to Bruce, after hearing his unbelievably smooth vocals in that one song entitled "dancing in the dark", I immediately had to rethink my opinion on the rock and roll legend.

I received another testimonial from a familiar face, happens to be one of my closer friends from high school, implying that I should not try to fit in the crowd, but instead be myself and stand out.

A discussion on this matter will take me to circular argumentation, using abstract terms as my variables, and addressing the moral dimension of things---all three, thanks to 110 are rather inadmissible but still of use in the empirical studies and the search for what is true.

So, instead of laboring on a subject matter that may just as well be an attempt to shoot for the curvature of the moon, I shift my attention to the other less pressing question in life: WHAT IF?

I'd like to bring back several elements of my personality that I'd like to think were simply lost from my moral fabric rather than lost completely. In other words, I deliberately hid some things about me that I now long for.

This is not an appeal to the senses or a plea for salvation, this is more or less a declaration of what I am beneath the skin. Yes, I am total agreement with the suggestion that I should not try so hard to be part of the mainstream---doing what many do, living the life others usually envision for themselves. But I add that I am not an island, and at times, it becomes more than necessary to share the same boat---sinking or not. See the battle of cliches and principles here? No wonder some go on with their life subscribing to nothing, the very pragmatist doomsday of thinking of men cometh as it were.

But that's for serious discussion, am on the other hand, more than smiling today: how come? Maybe I inhaled laughing gas from the diesel, maybe I saw the faramones, maybe I just had enough of being sick and serious that perhaps I realized that I could only go up...up...and away.

So here is a rundown of several things I would like to be doing or at least be capable of doing again:

1. Look a girl in the eye and have no feeling that the girl has an untoward suspicion about me imagining her and me together. Huh? Look a girl straight in the eye like a friend and that woman won't return the favor with much doubt about your intentions. It's just a get up and leave it alone thing we guys have.

2. Sing in the rain. I COMPLETELY MISS bathing in the rain, let alone singing. Now, this is a rather unpleasant sight wherein you have neighbors in their high walls looking down while you strut a crazy note or two. I made sure when I was a kid that I at least for two times in a year experienced the drizzle and what freedom it gave me. Truly, it was a liberating moment. Not to mention it helps expand your diaphragm.

3. Being class president. Haha, now this is ego-feeding at its best! No kidding, I miss detaining class officers for a meeting to escape haircut inspection;not that I had long hair (I always have an army-cut), but that it was time consuming to stand there waiting in line while the prefect did nothing but chew gum or give out detention slips. That's only the beginning. I miss the thrill of organizing the class, the satisfaction you get when your party goes well, academic standings reach an all-time high, winning the altar-making contest because you had more gays than the other class...the thrill of it. Not that I don't see it in college organizations I am in; it's just the youthful feeling of command you have. Now, being execom of certain orgs, it's a far more serious ball game.

4. Experimenting with shampoos and food. I like mixing things up and then trying them. So I put Milo or Ovaltine in my rice, add butter as a side dish, or cook noodles and bombard it with condiments...and yes place more eggs than I can take sunny side up. Shampoo is another thing.

5. Watching cartoons. Yes, cartoons made me shed a tear or two : the time when voltes five used the killer sword, or when shaider would prevail, when sesame street puppets made that group hug...putcha ayoko na.

Speaking of crying, kanina asa fx ako nag-aantay mapuno dun sa pila. E may katapat ako, halos katapat pala na babae...mukhang freshie na di mapalagay. Dinadaan-daanan ko ng tingin ng biglang nag-burst into tears. Kanina pa pala siya nag-aantay makaalis...ewan siguro galing siya sa org meeting or app thing tapos nabalitaang may emergency...that type. Sobrang awang awa na ako kasi pinupukpok na nya yung bag nya...para talaga siyang nahihibang, toying with her hair and giving an extremely worried stare. Iniisip ko noon, bayaran ko na yung natitirang seat para lumarga na kami...kasi parang kulang na transpo pambayad nung girl para sa isa pang fifteen peso discharge. Nag-antay ako ng dalawang minuto...di ko alam pero asar na talaga ako sa sarili ko, hysterical na yung babae e. E tila tulala naman yung mga tao sa paligid, yung sanay na makatagal sa mga ganoong pakiramdam ng kapwa nila...namanhid na o nagkikimkim din ng awa. To make it short, eventually bumyahe na kami...di naman ako napagastos tapos yung girl talaga sobrang relieved..lam nyo yun parang batang nabunutan ng ipin.

Naasar talaga ako sa sarili ko. Asan na ang gentleman ngayon? Asan na. Kasi lahat naman ng PR skills mo alang silbe, lahat ng accalades alang magagawa kung ni isang kawawang babae di mo man lang matignan, matulungan man lang....sumabog talaga puso ko, sobra...nung bumaba na at nagtatakbo yung babae, sinundan ko talaga ng tingin..sobrang guilt... I should have paid for the last seat, saved her two minutes of crying and went on with our separate lives....thing is, baka makita ko sa peyups to...awwww.

6. My heart skipping a bit. Now, I have to admit that I'm that picky when it comes to crushes...specially back then as compared to now when everyone thinks I'm that impulsive or emotional about relationships. Has something to do with being a child I guess. I'm a real ass, even as a youngster. Girls talk to me, invite me to play bahay-bahayan, and I keep my head down, look them in the eye, and then look down without uttering much of a word, Old habits die hard I guess...but when i do find HER>>>MY golly, I know my hear's gonna pound. It happened once, it happened again nothing much happened and I'm glad I kept it that way...how foolish and selfish of me to be so consumed with my wants and needs.

7. Bugging my mom to buy me toys. now I have a new definition of a TOY, but due to the price of these toys, bugging my mom has become such a task. Speaking of toys, I have this collection of action figures that I really want to increase in number...not much of a collector. By the way, playing with toys helped me become the speaker that I am big time...I mean forget the speaker's training, if I didn't have play time...go figure.

I just want people around me to smile and feel good about themselves kaya nga kanina just to start a conversation or at minimum, make them smile kahit pilit.

Sabi ko sa kanila:
Kay Louie: I like your hair!
Celine: HELLO!
Farrah: Oh, musta naman tayo diyan? ....tama ba naman tumakbo sa ulan?!
Grai: Hello grai (in a very manly fashion)
Mau: (I give her the innocent smile)
Rania: (gave her a long congratulations message and then some)
Mica: HELLO!
Dom: (he greeted me)
Sherwin: HELLO!
Mayette: (a candid smile)

and the list goes on...God grant you words far better than my creations.

Last thing: I wonder how do people texting really look like when they put the smiley faces in their messages...pilit kaya..delikadesa kaya...o talgang all smiles sila? Hmmm.

Isang pasada

2005-08-06T20:41:00.000+08:00

Time to break the cycle...

1. Pinagnilayan ko kanina kung ano ang mangyayari sa tropang pol sci pagkatapos umakyat sa entablado at makuha ang diploma. Malamang wala naman akong hahagkan, wala naman akong hahalikan (God forbid...umaasa pa ako). Malamang hanggang kaway na lang ako at smile sa graduation day. Tanong ko, meron kayang hahalik sa akin, meron kayang yayakap sa akin maliban sa magulang at ilang katropa ko?

2. Which leads to number to two. Karapat-dapat ba akong halikan, kurutin, bigyan ng affection o lambing man lang? There's a fine delineating line between me and great men like Louie, Jason, Kristian and Dominic. They get the goods...I don't deserve any. How's that again? Wala akong ibubuga sa appeal ng mga to. It's pretty obvious, girls get the good signals from them, girls relate with them better, girls find peace in their presence. I'm envy them in a very good way because I know the anomaly is me....ako ang kasiraan sa magagadang lalaki ng pol sci. Hindi dapat ako magtaka...it's like parang may isang sticker sa noo ko na nagsasabing: OKAY, NEXT PLEASE o kaya OKAY, LUBAYAN MO AKO PAGKATAPOS MO MAG-HELLO. Ewan, ganoong kababa tingin ko sa sarili ko minsan.

I do not mean to project myself as this, pero kanina sa reflection time namin sa youth ministry napag-alaman ko na ganoon nga minsan ang palagay nila sa akin---seryoso, sobrang out of place o nagpapa-out of place, troubled. Which IS NOT THE CASE.

I need a hug. I need to hibernate...but I can't...the forces that be.

3. Na napunta naman sa number three, bakit ba ako ganoon? Sa miting namin sa Buklod na tinatawag ko ngayon na BK barang burger stop diba? As I was saying, dun sa miting, tulala ako. Sa dyip, turete ako...alang matinong masabi kay Grai...Sa mall, sinusubo ko at nginunguya dahan-dahan ang fries habang ang mata ay nakatuon sa kawalan ng sahig. Sa bahay, nag-videoke tapos kain, tapos tingin sa notes...mamaya na lang. I am living in a vicious cycle of habits and guilty pleasures. Have I reached point of breaking? I'd like to think that other people have bad days, and some live far worse lives than mine. But still...

Papers, midterms, extra-curriculars, church, politics? Not everyone's cup of tea.

4. Pang-apat, nabubuhay ako sa isang pangarap. Speaking of, nasa dyip ako kanina (what's new?) e di may bata, na may kasamang dalagita...ate nya malamang. Naamoy ko yung fragrance ng pabango nung dalaga. Napa-shet ako na pabulong kasi lam ko yun na yun yung amoy ng isa nating batchmate at katropa. Nadulas lang. Tngin yung bata sabi sa ate: ata, nagmura yung lalaki. SIYETE, sira nanaman ang imahe hahaha. Buhay nga naman sa isang pangarap...

Ang realidad. Tanong ng tanong si inay dito: Itatapon na ba natin ito? Ako naman, hindi ng hindi. Groge ako rumaragasa ang sipon sa kambal ilog ng aking ilong: si Tigris at Euphrates, ayoko na pag-isipan kung may halaga pa ang mga bagay na luma sa akin. Sorry kung graphic, sorry talaga... Pero kung meron mang bagay na may halaga---eto ay ang isang conversation.

Grai, salamat sa conversation. Even a blank stare okay na, pero ikaw, you bring it on! Go girl! Kaw naman Marian...ewan di kita matimpla ever!

Are my blogs readable? I need a critique. Then again, I will pay not much attention to it. I am me. I know I may not be the perfect man in shining shimmering splendid armor to many people. But to my dear friend in Archi, to my cousins in La Salle, katoto in Ateneo and UP Engg, to my pals in Pol Sci, my peepz in Buklod, my brethren in Church, my fellowmen....LET THERE BE WORLD PEACE hahaha....I can only be myself. To the tindero ng taho, to the counter girl na lagi kong napipilahan sa Mcdo Robinson's Metro East, sa gwardya at agent ng Globe Business Center na tinatanong ko bout my dream phone, sa mga kasama sa alumni office, sa mga batang nginignitian ko sa kalye, sa mga Gen Lnkers good luck sa UPCAT...sa lahat....

Kahit na dun sa nakikinig sa mga greetings ko sa RT 99.5 FM.]

they find much joy in me, being myself. Bend me, twist me, hurt me...I have much faith in someone far beyond anyone's comprehension.

Kaya pag b-day ko sa Pebrero, sa PPSA trip sa OCtober (SUMAMA KAYO A!), sa Pasko, sa lahat, at kahit na sa pag-graduate di ako nag-aalala.

Halikan nyo man ako, kurutin o deadmahin kung inggit lang...ikaw yun, ibahin nyo kami.

It boils down to what they have to say, how much you have touched them...that does not mean how many times they hug, kiss, scream for you or do crazy stuff in your hnor...

Legacy friends...your gift to God...and let that be the bottomline...beep beep!

Tapsilog...este...bacon and eggs please...

2005-07-31T15:02:00.000+08:00

"The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage and conduct of this army."---George Washington Aug 27, 1776, before the Battle of Long Island

Eloquence is a skill rather than a gift exclusive to those born to families of statesmen or lawyers. And because such a gift is rather an ability harnessed after much training, eloquence, just as many other abilities considered special or useful to this utilitarian world then should be due to everyone. Everyone should be given free or low cost quality education because it is everyone's right to live a life with an equal chance and equal opportunity to savor the bounties of this good earth. But of course, that is a rather long-shot view of mine...a world I long for.

By this hopefully reminding paragraph, you may as well have deduced or at the back of your head have conjured the thought that I am more of a non-conformist.

Convention is not always what works best for me...it doesn't even sound good to me.

The word practical stirs up much doubt in me, as if to be repulsed by the very sound of it. My idealism springs out of the belief I have that God indeed will take justice for the wronged and corrupted and will bring a new order of perfection to this forsaken earth someday, somehow. In my study of International Relations, and not Law, I am able to find for myself and others I want to benefit from this knowledge how this new order may take place and by what means. Even if it means I immerse myself in study and life of the human tendencies such as corruption, greed, distaste against another.

But of course you may also wonder as to why I subscribe to Christian thinking, a philosophy that is in the mainstream...the mainstream meaning a lot conform to it. Isn't that contradictory?

I have no answer for that. Only if the world becomes that of post-modernists am I going to be able to stand out and bring forth a new radical idea.

I like to think of it as this. Whereas a lot of people tend to see the reality of things, the value of money, or the very subtelty in atheism...you are of course entitled to your own...it is up to those who believe in a higher order and greater end to make more sense and be the change in this ever complacent world which is by itself becoming a non-conformist, defiled creature.

Old school...conservative...and right wing...that's what they call these types of lunatics. As to the right-wing part, I still don't get how idealists and other lunatics can be right wing and conservative while those in the so-called progressive left-wing seek only regime and system change...and be called radicals instead of lunatic daydreamers...very funny indeed.

Someday, somehow...this peace...Pax Theos...God's peace will reign and that order can never be reorganized, redone, reconsidered because there lies the assumption that everything will be or seem to be perfect...no structures to be organized, no craft to be redone, no decision to be considered anew.

Lam nyo, sa sobrang protective ko of my faith, sobra as in ultimo Academy Awards at Grammys (etc)speeches ginagawa kong basihan ng religiosity ng tao. Inaantay ko talaga, sino pasasalamatan nya? Is that person that open to professing his belief in God by thanking him first? What about his family? Tapos yung reaction din ng mga tao. Sometimes, wala na gaanong saysay lahat ng works ng tao kung di naman maganda paningin sa kanya ng mga malalapit sa kanya diba?

Nabutas ang maong ko nung Biyernes. Opo, sumabit sa pako ng bench sa opisina ng konseho ang maong ko na ala pang isang taon ang gurang at nawarak ang likod na bahagi kung saan nagkaroon ng butas na kasing laki ng mata ng tarsier na sobrang laki na tila kaya na silipin ang underwear ko...YES.

Galit sa akin yung bangko na iyon. Nasira ko yun once, bumigay sa weight ko at kalumaan na rin...diba defensive hehehehe.

But the point here e, lumakad ako ng may malaking butas na sinelyahan lamang ng pardible sa gitna ng Palma Hall bago nakasakay sa taxi pauwi...technically dumaan muna ako kay Mang Jomar...binilin yung maong ko tapos umuwi...syempre suot ko pa naman yung maong.

GOSSSHHHH! LMAO talaga, kasi nawalan ng saysay yung toncilitis ko habang nagsisigawan kami ni Marian at Kuya este Lola Jeff about me being self-conscious masyado at di naman halata. Sus, DI DAW HALATA hehe. Bigat na ng ulo ko nun.

LECHE eto pa pala. Sa econ, e di pinag-uusapan namin ni Jessa yung c0lor combination at yun lawit sa damit ni Mam Gochoco...sinabi niya ang GANDA ko raw sa Friendster pic ko na candid toddler shot...sabi ko naman: sana nga may magkaroon ng crush sa akin e. Sabi naman niya: Di nga Pao, crush kit (cyempre pabiro). Thanks talaga Jhe, aminado naman ako dahil sa sobrang sakit ng ulo ko inatake ako ng KSP tantrums ko e...the madaldal variation of it.

Isa pa nung Sabado naman, talaga sa Bento Box meeting namin sa JPGS, e di puro Ateneans, every now and then ako tsaka si Big Mac ng Geog, talagang nagchachant ng UNIBERSIDAD! The thing is, puro naka-white NSTP shirts (ano kamo?...di ko talaga ma-imagine...ang sama ko talaga hahaa) yung mga Ateneans (lumilingon nga ako baka nandoon mga katoto ko from ADMU at bigla na lang ako ipadampot hehe). Tapos yung cell ng Nokia na parang may bar-type na neon lights na nag-iiskrol hirap i-describe...nilagyan talaga nya ng Ateneo Boo!, tapos i-brinandish pa talaga sa ere. Whooh, go JPGS!!! Go UP Fighting Maroons (3-2)...suportado rin kayo ng Pansit ng taga Malabon ahahahahaha! (may banner talga sa Katipunan andun un)

Tapos nanood ako sa bahay ng Runaway Jury (req sa PS 171) at Hitch.

At sinabi nga nya (hitch) "Life is not about the amount of breaths you take in, but the moments that take your breaths away." Kung napanood nyo na iyon...ako si Albert Brennaman..yung CPA ata na mataba pero take note: GUWAPO at MABAIT. Thing is, hindi gumana yung mga pa-porma antics na in-advise ni Hitch para makuha yung girl of his dreams na tila imposible naman. Long story, but point is: love is not bound to a set of rules or the right formula.

Ala, kinikilig lang kasi ako sa thought na kung yung dambuhalang iyon ay nakuha yung million-dollar prize (as in literally) nya, what if ako na di naman kasing miserable niya naman ang nag-aim for the impossible? Do I have much to show for? People around me think I do have a lot...of pounds...hehe...este things that still and do matter to ladies...ANYWAY. Love that movie!

Sa Runaway Jury naman...ayan...idealism nanaman, or kahit on a plain level, yung kagustuhan ng taong panagutin ang mga nagkasala at tulungan ang mga nasaktan nila ang nananaig over a system of courts and laws, over money, over self interest...Rachel Weisz was charming as always...(yikee), Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman were ageless.

Kristian, ganito talaga blog ko, pasensya na kung ubos-oras pero ganito talga..hehe...I need to explain things, a lot of concepts in their detailed nature...a clutter of thoughts that seem to lead you nowhere but if seen in the prism would make you see it all the more perplexing and so you settle for shedding light on the matter hardest you could...

Ano pa ba latest? Hmm, Dom, will buy a Sun Sim from you soon papalit ako ng phone (odeba?) I don't know, nabiro ko lang mom ko, e si dad naman ala gaanong say sa ganung matters kasi enjoy sya kumakanta sa videoke sa baba hehehe....Ala kasing cam phone ko, e ako kasi, besides sa photogenic (ahem), pag nakakakita talga ng insipiring sight something to invigorate the senses, kukunan ko talaga...pero di ko magawa e...salat ako sa materyales. So yun, by God's grace, and my parent's approval, I may have a camera phone at last...looking for the Sony Ericsson model...have mentioned this some blog entries back...Bsides, GUSTO KO KAYU KUNAN HAHAH!

Ahh enough of retrospect for now.

HELL WEEK TONG WEEK NA TO, ACTUALLY, NEXT WEEK PALA HEHEHEHE!

Mau, don't worry, I am not a twisted soul sa bahay, masaya akong kuya, o diba pinuri sarili? Ask my sis, swerte sya pero ahem protective po akong kuya...ayan, the long line has to wait and I tell my sis, don't ever GIVE IN. Yes, it's one thing to follow your heart, and another to follow your dreams, and another to follow God's will in His time. Tapos I give her the newscaster-ish look and she gets it....I hope.

I tell her minsan kapag feeling out-of-place sa mga mayayaman nyang kaklase and fwends tapos asa fastfood sila: diba less effor sabihin na lang na tapsilog order please instead of that hard beef with eggs and garlic rice order please. I tell her that though we are financially blessed, that doesn't mean you go on frantic spending nights and you give who you are to the undeserving slut. Syempre, I do this in a very wholesome manner. TAPSILOG please!

The fate of millions...our children...will rely on our conduct here on earth as we live. With much at stake, would you want to toy around squandering what you have? you are your man.

There is much good in this world, much that we have a general term for smileys but no term for saddys or angrys.

This is a world where not form, but substance will matter. To hell with conforming to norms. Be the catalyst if it means being an agent for the better.

God be your source for fresh ideas to believe in, stories to share, experiences to be had.

1, 2, 3 awwwww!

2005-07-25T19:31:00.000+08:00

Eto na
eto na
eto na

awwww!!!

Aray, nagbabaga CoolAir sa bunganga ko, pweh...yung unang kagat mo at na-release yung micro-granules ng sweetened gummy something.

Ang saya ko ngayon. Good weather maybe. Or perpaps just a case of seeing things clearly.

Too clearly for that matter...

Natulog ako sa kuwarto (syempre) kagabi. Sa sobrang kulob ng feeling, di ako nag-shirt for a change. Grabe, sleeping without blankets..without a shirt, it's like a being a whole new person. You have the freedom to have direct contact with the bed, roll around and not perspire or something. Whooh, I should try this sometime again...in my underwear? YUCK! Quite frankly, I don't see a reason why not. Panahon magtipid sa kuryente, besides grabe rin ang freedom na nararamdaman kapag nakabukas bintana at tunog ng electric fan imbis na aircon ang magduruyan sa iyo.

I enjoy the buzzing sound, the whoosing sound in your ears everytime the fan oscillates, revolves, I don't know, for lack of a better term, kapag napunta na sa iyo yung tutok nung fan. Mapaglaro sa tenga e. Bzzzzz, Buzzzzz, Weiirrrrreirrrr!

E di gising ako. Matagal na rin ako hindi naglalampaso. So iyon, house cleaning for me. Pump up the volume habang sa taas gumagawa ng project grupo ng kapatid ko. Nahanlungkot ko cassette ko ng New Radicals at Red Hot CHili Peppers...pero inisip ko, mp3 na lang kaya yung tsanggala yan hataw habang pinuputikan ng tsinelas ko yung na-mop ko na na floor. Frustrated drummer po ako. GUitar? Huwag na. Ewan, twing sisilipin ko mga kapatid ko sa pinapaalis ako. Mga teenage girls nga naman...ahem, I can never understand them fully, only convince them to share bits of themselves. So goes blah blah.

So ligo ako. Lam nyo yung feeling na sobrang sinasakal kayo ng lagkit at humid feeling na iniisip nyo, paano ko susuuting tong t-shirt na bago e parang nakakasakal din. Pero pagkaligo, wow, kahit sweater kaya mong isuot.

Intimidating ba ako? As in dumating iyung mga friends ng kapatid ko, groupmates...sinundo ni Ma sa Mcdo...bigla ba naman akong binati at inad-ress with the word "po". Syempre GMRC yan, pero tinititigan ko sa mata, threatened imbis na happy faces bumati sa akin. Siguro dahil naman sa diyaryo na hawak ko. Speaking of newspapers, I really had an easy time listening to SONA 2005. What I had diffiuclty with wass GMA's facial expression---the overall impact of her emotions expressed in face and body. I could tell that she did not like the content of her speech at all. I theorize that she was not the hand behind the statement, but some manouvering force that could be one man with a tabako, or an entire party...or army. The sad face she had after the speech, it says it all...is the end near for me? So ayun, I did not count on a lot of questions being answered or issues dealt with. The ChaCha part was the real thing for me. I am one with Pia Cayetano, all motives aside, what in the Senate and House of Rep's "peaceful" co-existence is the source of our country's problem? Di ko rin nagustuhan, although alang magagawa ang contrast nila Drilon at JDV (diba kamukha nya si Garfield?) I close this segment with this: cosmetic changes will never suffice. We need leadership through example, service through sacrifice from top to bottom. This gives me more reason to not leave Pnas.

Pasensya na, di talaga pwede iwasan tong issue. I could not hide my feelings and thoughts on this matter. It would be irresponsible of me to leave this matter to those in power.

So ayun, sarap ng lunch. Spent the afternoon reading Econ, PS 150, and 171. Di ko nasimulan yung Geog paper ko, ewan those moment kasi na cge i-outline ko na, or i-type ko na tapos sasagi sa isip mo na opya, may Wednesday pa okay? HooraY! Yehey! Yes way! Oh yeah babhey!

Tinignan ko ulit yung ad ng inq7 sa PDI, title is Talking Heads tapos nakita ko si Mam Carlos. Miss ko na talaga 110. Not only the faces there, but the thrill...there's something unique to 110...not that it makes me think more, or not that I feel challenged or flattered that Mam Carlos tends to bombard me with questions, most of the time I thank God I could answer adequately.

Sabi ko kay Celine at Farrah nung asa jeep kami pauwi. A good number of my answers to Mam Carlos' questions or ideas I throw to the class are more of Hail Mary things. And if ever I do feel confident with my answers, I say a prayer or two before ma'am rolls her eyes and establishes eye contact.

I like professors who have this eye contact with students, contact that is assuring, unwavering, comforting...in as much as threatening, taxing to the mind. Most of the time, it helps me. Ewan, merong kapayapaan sa moments of adversity: "O Mr. Sanchez what do you make up of this?" "yes, Sanchez." "Popo ano yun?" "Would Mr. Sanchez like to shed light on this matter?"

Mga ganun, from recent profs, shuks tlaga, ewan, there is a soothing feeling kapag nasa moment ka na tapos on the spot yung tanong ng prof. Intellectually stimulating, tapos kapag jackpot...oollalala! Minsan haunting, minsan, ewan.

I must say this pa pala, kanina after months of being distant from each other, nakausap ko na through text ang lost long bowling bud ko among the female ranks of the Bowling Team. Taga- Archi siya, sophie. The cute thing about her, is not just her looks but her energy that can only equaled by Mau's. We have a lot of good memories together, basically so because we worked together on the logisitics team, I as externals head, and she as finance head. Ang isa pang cute dun ay yung tawagan namin. Since yung mga fwends nya ay nasa Palawan pa, ako yung ginawa niyang stuffed toy...tawag nya sa akin Moja Moja...from Mojackot the anime orange ball of kadaldalan at kalokohan. So yun, sobrang miss ko na to. So much. Pinangako ko sa kanya na di ako aalis ng UP na hindi ko siya nakikita...at malamang sa next event naman talga magkikita kami...so malamang di malayo yun. And I have no intention to break that promise. Pero ganun talga, mga friends ko rin sa Eng'g from high school sobrang bihira ko na makita.

So yung, chinika ko siya, chinika nya ako. Hehe alala ko tlaga kasi kinukurot nya lagi yung pisngi ko, lil sis ko talga sa Peyups to..one of few who somehow sees me through my complexities.

So ayun, parang pinipisil nanaman nya kagabi. Sabi ko rin, pag nagpapayat na ako, ititira kong huggable, kissable, at pisil-able ang pisngi ko (teka panu yun?)

Ah siomai, Wherever You Will GO tinutugtog...awww....

Dinedebate ko mom ko ngayon about the SONA....at least prehas kaming inclined sa federal form. Nalabuan lang me kay GMA kasi Parliamentary-Federalism ang dichotomy or rather amalgamation niya.

I have strong belief na there is a song or two in us. There's harmony. There's joy in particular highs and lows of life. We approach our own predicaments with a cliche. Yes, we have our own cliches...some line we like to subscribe to. If only to lessen the feeling of guilt, of despair, of emptiness.

Whaatever people may think of me, I am my man. I am the master of my day, the lord of instances, the ruler of my flashes, the weilder of my fortunes.

When I commit myself, I put my all...my trusting character allows me to be so dedicated. I pray I don't get spread too thinly, so much so I lose flavor like the butter sandwich I had kanina na naglasang harina or yeast---the sour flavor.

The point of order for this blog? 1, 2, 3...can you dig your groove? Have you found your song or are you living in the lie of some other person's tune?

If we keep on thinking how much other people can do better than poor us, then we are doomed.

You are your man. Free to make that choice. Free to dance, free to join. There is little to be had in a life of envy and grudge.

Stand witness to the events that happen in such a boring day, notice people around you..small as GMA, tall as Shaq. The small things my friend...small moments that led to two becoming one..from staring at each other in a bus or jeep, from sharing a common interest say in sports, or just happening to be in each other's path....the details...

Ang tanong ko lang? Kelan ko malalaman? Paano?

Set yourself free. God meant for you to live, not be a slave of horoscopes, some other person's career, even Friendster mood meters....

This entry comes for free

2005-07-24T14:30:00.000+08:00

And now I shall use the courier small font to make things a bit friendly to the eyes.

So passes another week.

Interviewer: So how are you feeling right now?
Heart Evangelista: I'm OK. I'm TREMENDOUS!

Uhm.

Uhm...okay...so let's all be tremendous shall we? I'd be Mr. Tremendously Sexy anytime.

The sun rises tomorrow to declare the birth of another day, for you and me. It is a privilege that comes for free with no strings attached. If there is such thing as absolute freedom, I say that it comes with birth---vassals no more, slaves no more. Imagine a world without such structures and classes identified by Marx. Imagine a world where you and I breath fresh air, see lush green fields, not worry whether or not our resumet is to look good or bad when time comes and the employer is reading right through it without any facial reactions that would prove useful in finding out right then and there whether you have the job or you go bug some other company off.

To be able to think of this, is another privilege that comes for free.

Was browsing through two Reader's Digest issues a while back. Came across a section that really made me laugh. You're entitled to your own. The section was all about 18 English words that should be in the dictionary (though for now, they are not) because they explain terms and concepts that are not named or defined. In other words, some loopholes in the English language were given appropriate names.

Example?

Eyesberg- the look a teenage boy gives his mom when he gets caught or when he is in a heated debate.

Ankissipation- happens in a couple, when at a given intimate moment, neither of them wants to make a move...and kiss the other. There of course, is the anticipation.

...just read the article.

Last Friday, I had a rather long ride home. The FX was packed. And I, being the larger party, had to squeeze out my ass just to show fellow riders that I know who's the one making things difficult for them and yes, I do want to lose fifty pounds or so. I haven't been ridiculed much for my size lately, it's me who does the fooling around with myself. That said, just keep your fingers crossed that by first sem 2006...I'd be a remodified person...resting on the assumption that one can never be entirely changed.

And yes, wishing you could cut off 50 pounds and then so accordingly lord it over the woman of your dreams, if any, would be far easier: comes for free.

I think, I am slowly losing all decency in me. Hormones taking over reason and prinicple? Practicality to answer the call of nature? I pray not. Three examples. One, I get excited when I see R-18 movies lighting up cinema line-ups more than at any point in my life. Art films, yes that's what they call some of them. Do I go inside and watch? Thank God no. Hell no! Two, I lose manners and proper social conduct (which we really had to learn in front of teachers, as a sub-course for a year in high school). How? I think twice before giving a seat to a young woman or an old lady in a PUV. In the end, I do give the seat, much to the relief of men around. I think my size helps me be generous, as I pass the blame to "me" (for making the vehicle get so crowded). Then the lady thanks me and gives me that look of suspicion. Then she calls her boyfriend, mindful of where my eyes are rolling to. I MEAN, WHAT THE...? It's one thing to thank me, another to make me suffer for the absence of a partner in life by making me look like a chance-taker. This is not generalization, just sharing of thoughts. When in stairways, I'm beginning to enjoy bulldozing everyone beside me with use of my big bag. At times, I miscalculate due to the balooning size of my bag, but now, I tend to do it on purpose. And three, like delivery truck punks, I tend to take long looks at attractive women...particularly the eyes. I would be a hypocrite to say that I do this without malice. It would be more of lying to say I did not enjoy the staring exercises.

And I know, looking at women makes me look more of a whore than a slut. DAMN.

God spare me the rod. But if I am enjoying all three acts and am actually learning how they could be useful in my system...I might as well be branded as typical!!!

For some reason, I dislike the term STREET SMART. To me, it becomes pejorative at times. In as much as I have problems with the word PRACTICAL. Main reason? I am not such.

I don't play the game of the streets. I don't gamble, drink, drive, smoke, strut off my riches or brag about my abilities and intellect. These, I can be proud of. The only STREET SMARTISH quality I have is the courage to ask questions with humility and yet with much enthusiasm.

Oh the flare is there.

That's how I got around U.P. as a freshie, asking around...and then in turn learning the tricks of the trade, sometimes disappointed like the way I view certain student formations, sometimes elated like in knowing that I'm not the only one saving money by not taking lunch...and yes, I don't eat lunch in U.P. on a regular basis... thanks to heavy breakfast. =) But don't worry, my parents are great providers...and then some. That's how I ressurect my bank accounts after a month of ludicrous spending.=( or ;)

Thanking loved ones? Comes for free. (and please, sms won't cost you much)
Correcting my corrupted system with a prayer and then some? Free.

Ohkay, ratings are going down.

Someone's spying and stalking me. Someone must have liked the toddler pic I now use as Friendster primary pic. I don't know how many of them lurk around. But I like the feeling.

I keep on telling Mau and Celine...ala na atang magkaka-gusto sa akin. Of course they tell me things that lead to the otherwise argument. Then I realize, I still have much to offer. Yet I guess it won't be how much you offer but how much love you can give that will be your yardstick. Sir Jamon....thank you. Ma'am Grace has some great husband in you.

It's not how much you have to offer, but how much you have given and are willing to give regardless the economic value.

Jason, Kristian, Neil, Dom...you have the capital you can at any time invest in the woman of your dreams. As for me, I have my aces...definitely not my looks and size...but 2006...may just eliminate both our of the equation...restoring good old pre-calorie-infested me...naks...some covenant. God, please, grant me the chance to better myself.

Getting much needed ammunition to fire up your love life? Free.

One word that I frequently encountered this month: MAVERICK.. From the movie starring Mel Gibson, to the very dictionary word, to pol sci classses....referring to unsure players and violators of the rules.

Reading 110 articles? Haven't reviewed a single sentence. Hope for the best August 10. Doing Geog paper? Not even looked up a single source!

I am to give a short discussion to orient new Buklod CSSP recruits to the Circle of Individuals regarding the Education and Research Committee. Haven't thought of what to say. Some sources tell me that prosects for next year's elections are going to be there. Yum, yum! Some of them, from Pol Sci. Ahem. Some are idealists, some volunteers, some kind souls one with the cause. But to my mind, I am to orient people so close to me about a political party's business.

To those I am to meet this August for the 1st Orientation...take comfort in the knowledge that progress and reform is taking place within the party, and that no, I will not make you experience for admiration and emulation's sake the doom of the times in U.P. politics but challenge you to respond to whatever be given to you because you have to...nobility and strength in your principles.

When I get the speech right, I'd be my spirited speaker of the old times again.

And by the way, do join the Junior Philippine Geographic Society. Open to all students with the passion for Geography and all things "spatial"---which is practically everything. Geog...coz it's more than maps and capitals!!! No rigorous app proces (this is a national prof'l thing), P250 annual membership...for inquiries contact the Secretariat...well, that would be yours truly =)

Also, do join the PPSA(?)...fellow Pol Sci peepz, see you in Bohol this sem break. Guys, please participate...contact SIr Tigno, Sir Naval or Mam Rebullida about this.

Promise, the gloves will be off come that time. Heheehe.

Now, I am slowly figuring out what I want to be beyond campus life.

Plotting out your chartered course? Free.
Not being shallow? Free.

Waking up tomorrow to bacon and eggs, hot coco, great morning breeze, CNN up with you and church just a tricycle away (nauuna ako so I commute)? Free.

Having this chance to share my inner thoughts and feelings? Free.

The price of the sum of all free things in the world? PRICELESS.

And LOVE. You are an abstract idea that never doubts. Many doubt you, yet you never return the favor.

Oh LOVE, fill the solstice with moonlight. Break the clouds that deprive us of sight to the skies. Oh Love, make couples kiss and others be at peace. Oh love, restore in me the faith in my men and in my God. OH love let me dream on, of a family, of children's laughter...my kids I shall nurture and raise into lovers and people of righteous hearts, of a future I long for.

Oh love, make the night be as the moon dictates. So that we may all see our beloved's face and caress their skin in song and in poetry til the breaking of the dawn.

God be our witness.

A blue day

2005-07-22T02:50:00.000+08:00

Before anything else, thanks Rania for helping me out to get the links section of this blog up and about. At least you won't be seeing much green and black.

Also, thank you Celine for confiding with me, entrusting me your inner thoughts on matters of importance may they be in gray areas or coloful pages of your life and mine.

Last Tuesday afternoon, I enjoyed a rather blue day. Nohoho, this is not because of my depression, angst, and bitterness on things I could not just have. God answered me by saying: Son, you better learn to master the art of patience and waiting on me." Grai helped me realize other things about this realization last night. But indeed, talking about people and their issues will do me not much good. Instead, sharing ideas and visions of someday seems more productive as long as they are accompanied by concrete action. This has been my battlecry when it comes to the GMA issue, good luck with your SONA Madam President. It is not about the people, it is about the forces behind their minds and actions. It is not the structure, but the values and fundamentals that led to the creation of such. But ofcourse, being too idealist taints my view as well...to the point I refuse to believe that...

Idelism has left me vulnerable to attacks I consider to be positive and helpful. My refusal to be blunt about things has broken me...battered my ego, shamed me. Then again, when all is said and done, I'm glad I stuck up with my ideologies.

I hope the world was a bit kinder to me. Well, that's why we're here...to become the world we so bravely fought against in our youth or attempted to change once we had the chance. There's always another chance, and always another fight.

Ah yes, why was my day blue? It was blue all around not only because my pen "inked loose" or "nagtae ang bolpen kong blue na tinatago-tago ko sa bag". That is one of the reasons why, although there seems to be no connection, I use black ink pens and markers.

Did I mention I love the smell of Pentel pen exposed? Something nausiating, something that captures and paralyzes my senses...of course it does exactly that but I like it nonetheless.

As I was saying, Atenean friends of mine I'd keep with the code names Francis, Carlo, Donald, and Chris who I last meant ages ago invited me to play ball. They live in Marikina, so distance mattered less. From a great 150 class I rushed home to get to play-ball mode. I must admit I have not had played basketball full-court since 2002 when I twisted a knee bone and voila...went on self-rehab.

I met those dudes in summer camp...Chemistry Camp in Ateneo, sports camps, and eventually, around the city. They by the way were not really a bunch in the beginning. Out exploits with learning Chemistry and basketball simply hinged the friendship.

I flattered them about girls in UP stories, them might having the preference for Atenean boys over La Sallites...oops Ian, Keo and Aljo (cousins from DLSU) lam ko wag ma-offend, kung sa bagay wag nyo na lang basahin to hehe...by the way, long time no see...yan kasi mga taga-Paranyakweh! No they're fine with this. We don't talk about their school's rivalry with ADMU.

Ah yes, and there were UAAP stories.

And yes, their desire to experience UP fishball and isaw just rolling down their intestines.

We culminated the reunion of sorts with a long, explosive (laughing and stuff) conversation in a Net Cafe..in that new mall...in my neighborhood. I came to realize, God I need some fresh faces. No, not that I am tired of UP faces...but I guess their stories from a place I alienate because of my bias for UP were more than what I expected. I really have a bias against rich-kid peepz, due to experience that's why I stay-off Libis and Rockwell and stuff...=)

They to me, were great exceptions. They were so full of life, of plans, of wishful thinking instead of gimmicks, bragging about good lucks and girls (ala kasi sila nun hehe), and cars (yan, meron si Francis nyan).

One important matter we discussed was the problem I Carlo have: Peeakaboo! You want a girl. She kinda likes you and is willing to take the chance. BUT. You decide that it'd be best if you develop as friends. And so goes the roller coaster. You enjoy the friendship that when time came, you face reality: that it cant't go any further...ALL YOU COULD BE IS FRIENDS. It's not your loss...try to comfort yourself with that, but it is a LOSS still. You want more, but all you could settle for is frienship, basically because you thought that was the prerequisite before romance and intimacy and she likes to keep it at that.

To restate the dilemma in a question: Ever wondered why few best friends ever become husband and wife?

I think this will doom me if I go on. But of course, some are really meant for each other. Others, better go fish.

No but really, we had some time talking about this. The answeres did not really come that easily. I don't know, but do you think UP ladies set love life aside more than Ateneans? Donald replied that women in Ateneo can be equally difficult. Well dude, that's what happens if your building is named Schmidt Hall and your classes are all about Chemistry.

Those said and then some, we as a group sighed, drank iced tea (oh yes my fave) and moved on to another topic.

I have to cut this blog short, magsasara na ang SSP Com Lab (lunch break). Much was said and done that eventful night. Much accomplished. Yun yung parang Fundador moments sa TV, mga toasts nyo dahil malayo-layo na rin narating nyo at alam nyong next time...milya na!

And yes, sobrang patawa ako at indi corny dun for some reason, napalabas wacky side ko again!

I won't be seeing those guys in a long while. Such a sad thing. Cyempre silang Atenista magkakasawaan dun. But for every moment we played basket (at tinambakan kami namin yun mga locals cyempre ako yung malaking poste sa ilalim), tossed the coin, talked about love and life, etc...everything seemed better, more meaningful...just like my conversations with my great friends on the links list.

And they helped me get my basketball groove back..oh yeah!

To all you God's children, isang tagay sa tagumpay!

Engine break

2005-07-18T15:44:00.000+08:00

I will never be a good driver...

Just as I will never be a good flirter....

Just as I will never be a good debater.....

Just as I will never be a good disaster......

For I will ever be, a far better disaster than any that came before me.

We often associate ourselves with the experience of driving. We somehow manage to find connections or explanations from the aformentioned act to our very own private lives.

I am one with you in this. I must admit, the only driving I did thus far was step on the accelerator pedal and moved an L300 FB for about a meter. My uncle, rather distraught by my terrified look after the short trip, tried to encourage me to put the pedal to the metal for at least some more meters.

I by the way was eleven. The issue was not that I could not reach the pedal, it was just I dared not to. The all the more disturbing, or shall I say humiliating truth then was that I was attempting to drive an L300(all power...dual aircom...real strong brute...)in an open unpaved road of stone and sand in our Zambales vacation outhouse lot with nothing to hit, except the house some thousand of steps away, a tree maybe 100 meters away and well, other stones than were the size of a marble. No cars, no trees, no crossing carabaos and I just could not move the damn thing.

My heart was pounding, the gear was rather more of a stick to my eye than a stick to move vehicles for miles.

I was afraid. My uncle took over, gave me a lesson or two, but I paid no attention.

The experience? Not really traumatic per se, something else. Humiliating? Not even. Humbling? Yes. I could have used a whooping or two back then. Well, Uncle Eddy was rather patient. So, he just gave the concerned look and took over the gear.

Now he's in the United States. I hear he is delivery department chief now. As for me? Haven't moved a car since. Once, yes, I backed off down our steep garage. It was a sedan, a low car, so guess what? I heard screeching sounds below me. Dad jokingly said I backed off too fast, so much that the chassis or the metal underneath was already hitting the concrete. I jokingly reacted, pressuring the brake pedal with my dear life, and said that scratching of the metal would not have happened if the garage wasn't so steep in the first place. Anyway, all things are cool with my dad. He just likes to keep things simple. Simply put, he watched me back off that poor car and see how much white paint was scraped off. I never want to look back on this again. O the agony! ;(

You may wonder as to why I am so fond of reminiscing my driving mishaps.

Was on another of them jeepney rides home. I have developed this cheeful side of me when inside a jeepney, or any public utility vehicle for that matter. I need not say, I love commuting! What is this cheeful habit? I love to pass the payment of fellow commuters to the driver or the one seated nearer to him. When on the move from UP towards home, I try to make myself happy by looking around for hands reaching out. I honestly love the sensation of the coins being put to your hand and coin's ridges gently rubbing against your skin fresh from alcohol application.

Alcohol and metal together smell good.

Going back, yeah I do take great pains to look around, strain my neck and find helpless passengers eagerly begging that someone submit their proofs of compliance to the fiscal laws. Another relatively good habit of mine is to sing with the radio at times to the point I get heard more than the speaker's output. It just happens that I do know the lyrics of the songs they play on the radio. Like a while back, The Day You Said Goodnight by Hale. Their lead singer Champ has this way of thickening his voice to the point that it sounds as if he's eating the words (listen to Broken Sonnet, the part where he does IN-SAYYRRRYYYD) something like that. When I pronounce the "S" parts or lines that begin or end with the letter S, I do it with a little emphasis. Most of us do...yeah I do think we pronounce the S with some funk.

The real bad part about my jeepney rides happens once in a blue moon, but are worth mentioning. See, some friends of mine from the office, alumni office, church, and extra-UP stuff to even some UP people love to miss call me to make a point or get my attention. The problem with me is that I do a quick draw on this. Remember cowboy gun draws? I snatch my phone from the pocket handle quicker than I solve math. Furthermore, I answer the phone. Thing with me is that I have no concept of engine break...the part when the car slows down by itself and makes the vroooooooom-boooom-boooom sound that slowly dies.

I have no concept of engine break...something just got to me.

So, as routine, I answer the phone. Of course, the person who miss calls...fearful of a seven peso loss far greater than Tony Blair fears his rebate in the EU, without hesitation presses the "put down the freakin phone" button. My mistake? I continue the conversation as if the person really did make a call with the same intention. Yes, I go on for two minutes doing "Ya, I'll be there, okay, what's the problem, oh dear, really?, how come? call my landline okay?, no problem" in random cycles PRETENDING that someone's on the other side.

I deliberately do this for two mintues, I think once or twice a month. But I like it.

Makes me feel better actually. Katipunan and Marcos Hi-way traffic jams are real evil.

So, as Mau wants to know by now, what is the moral of this blog?

Well kids, there is none....joke! See, if you subscribe to the idealist framework of thinking, you tend to think better of yourself...far from those realists who stick their heads in the puddle of mud. Idealists stick their heads in the clouds. Which can be a good thing come trouble time.

A Christian bias also allows your idealism to shine. I think, we're more idealist than cynical. We are 90 percent idealist, 9 percent realist and a percent cynical. We just give more importance to the one percent. Friends, let us not underestimate our quality, or the quality of the one who made us. If this leads to death, then let it be. At least we understand beauty.

But at times, I wonder how far my idea of a better world and life can go.

I need to be humbled. Something Celine said couple of hours back did that to me. No, we did NOT fight. Just something she said that caught my attention...real good.

I have no concept of engine break. I am the guy who takes the blows of this world with a smile on my face. I am the one who'd rather sit it down than stand up fighting with anyone about nothing.

But of course, this makes noisy screeches, the machine that is my body is taking things too fast and too strong like me backing off that car. It will come to a point of breaking down.

We wonder what type of struggle awaits us...the one that will define us and give us the glory. We anticipate. We wait for that defining challenge. Jose Rizal got shot. Andres Bonifacio got betrayed and then shot. What happens to me? How shall I face my demons when they rise?

Will I triumph?
What will people say of me?

What will my UP friends think?

That I was the boy who took love matters so seriously he kept on searching but no one really was meant for him? That he was a loud mouth speaker good in word play, lacking in thought? That he tried to go for change, but his kind get nowhere?

Or rather, that though he knew love as not coming to him yet in the form of his woman, he'd work for it til the end knowing he has in the final analysis, something more meaningful than riches, cars, intelligence to offer! That he was some loud mouth but at least he did it out of pure emotion! And that no, people who go for change and revolution do end up shaking this earth!

I'd like to think better of myself, not because of pride...but because I have to. If this is what takes to feed my engine, so be it.

I have no concept of engine break. I go forth to the clashing of the tides and see what happens. My case with her, I'd like to leave unresolved. It was my fault. I took the ride. I felt my momentum was good enough for her to let me in. I think she was open. I think, it was me who was playing genius, while in reality I am, still, vulnerable. If there's anyone I should apologize to for the strain and trouble, it should be her. But I do not think my sorry is acceptable. My car has hit the wall. It is beyond repair in this regard. And that is why I thank her. I know when she comes back, she better slap me. I saw her chatterbox comments. God knows she doesn't even care whether or not this blog exists. I think she knows of it, but why visit this blog?

But deep inside, I have cut her by making her perceive I was all that, all prepared, all good.

As a man, I say...it is my fault. It was her call. I did not dial the number.

I felt the emotion, I bought the feeling, I drove to a fast end.

Thank you for keeping this friendship afloat. I am trying to make it up to you.

END of TRANSMISSION

I won't make the same mistake again, I told Celine. I've given burdens to women, my dear friends by making them worry if were alright or if I were good. To clarify things: I AM SO OKAY...NEVER BEEN BETTER.

I will not hit the wall again, I won't even talk about it. Whatever I feel inside, I'd reveal in the proper time and place.

Kaming mga torpe, all we could do is wish our girl friends the best, kahit masakit.

I reflect and wish the best for Marian, Arianne, Pau, Rania, Grai, Celine, Karen, April, sila Gayle, Tin, Tin2, Jessa, Bads, and Farrah (dami pa e, UP pa lang yan..ganyan ka-lonely ang mundo hahaha). Kidding aside, I even dream about them findng their match. Celine, aminin =) Mau, meron ka na uhum.

At kina Jason, Kristian, Dom (uhum), Ferdie, Neil, Jess at kahit ka na Torvix.

I wish you all that. That comes for free.

DI AKO MARTYR , NAGPAPAKA_MARTYR pa nga ....(with tears) AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! JOKE, I AM HAPPY AND DAPPY SO LIKE ME!

NO Marian. NO Celine. I am not beating a new heart. I am not thinking of a new lady. I have dismissed the thought for sometime now. I will not allow my foolish desire get in the way of more important matters and people. Even if it means I have to pass this chance up because of circumstance. I will.

I have a fervent belief that if God intends for you two become one, He will allow it. And you will have to make that choice.

I have chosen to make a stand. A concrete wall to carefully collide with other cars out of control. This time, I'd be careful. That was my path at one time. Whay????

Is it because I'm redirecting my wishful thoughts?

I'd like to think of it as another of my better habits...this time...not on the highway, but the bi-ways of life...of the heart.

God fill your hearts will contentment, I am desperately trying to have.

The absence of a spark

2005-07-15T19:22:00.000+08:00

(Zoom camera..action!)

Nescafe moments...cold mornings.

The mini-component keeps on playing tunes from a local pop radio station known for its rather frequent visits and tie-ups with U.P. I've never pissed off my neighbor with such deafening sounds before. I could hear them mumbling about the cranked up music. I hope I haven't lost respect or decency. Well, to prove I have not, I decide to lower it. Once in a while, I play a cd from my personal collection, those cds mom doesn't really know exist, those I managed to buy after much saving and sacrifice of allowance.

But after much to do with nothing than stare in a lovely piece of art by my sister, I crank up the knob several decibel levels closer to ear-shattering.

I lie down, think of what to write in the next paragraph of this blog. Hmmm...nothing enters. Second hand ticks, tocks, I stare harder at the green paint of my room, the forming cobwebs outside, the graphic equalizer of the poor sound system.

Nothing new enters, the absence of a spark. Lexical, plainly speaking, nothing enters my mind.

I save face from this emptiness by trying to read the article downloads for tomorrow's culminating report/debate in PS 167. The action word try really can get rather frustrating. You're just trying until you actually do it. Poor lonely word: try...as if it belongs to another category...outside the more progressive verbs like run, dance, make love, kill.

Perhaps blog about Friday? Empty faces, masquerade of life anew. I decide not. Form matters to me, and as far as this entire blog compilation goes, I've had my fair share of talking about days and giving them much credit for the character of particular moments of my life. Enough of passing the blame. Enough of wondering why calendars move to the right and down.

Time to write something new. Nothing to do with days, my depressions according to some, my anxiety, trepidation stirring within before the breaking of my heart.

For aesthetics, for depth, enough of the old blogging ways. But in all starts, having an empty uninspired mind was never part of my plan. So I begin to wonder. Is it because you know so much it itches you to share them? Is it because you're blogging beside your boyfriend or girlfriend that's why you can't run out of exciting stories?

I wonder how life is when you always have someone to hold on to, someone not confined to your cellphone, someone who has reason to be in your house right beside you...caressing you, whispering tales of 1 flats and girl talk into your weary soul. I wonder what that luxury does to you. Indeed, things you can think of in the absence of a spark.

Tick tock. Perspiration slowly creeps down the side of my head to the handles of my glasses. The tickly sensation goes along with the washing away of the grime, the awful soft metallic paint scraped off my glasses. Stains on the skin. Residue of powder I put in my face while I impersonated Randy David and Mike Enriquez slowly gets blown off with something on my hair, maybe a snowflake maybe dandruff. Humidity warms my body. My soul is stirring.

To be quite frank, I have not taken good care of my body lately---the past years. I have dreadful eating habits, with a bad schedule. I am more carnivorous than Hannibal himself. I sleep less. I smile less, though all can see me trying. And try is all I can do.

What a lesser man am I? All I can do is try. Try to study, try to say hello, try to be friendly, try to love and satisfy that craving for something else outside my realm....outside my world, outside the cranked up radio, the PC, the noise of family downstairs, the ranting of my neighbor.

Am I dissatisfied? I know I am not. I just want more. The absence of a spark is just rather much of a hindrance. As if I've lost all word play the week over with a slur of questions from 110, reports here and there, an econ exam, extra-curricular stress specially from someone in Malacanang...the daily encounters of the lesser kind in our lives.

Then I sit, move to the computer chair, decide to blog on this. I toy with the mouse, pressing the maximize button and then minimizing the window. Illusions. Then I sigh. To the cabinet, my wardrobe I look. I noticed there has been some re-arrangements. New polos and shirts are in courtesy of Ate Sharon. The stipes, the buttons, the pockets...I could not even imagine myself wearing those. I inspect for creases, as if to inspect, and then smile for a while. I'm getting pretty graphic. I sit again to type about the latest developments.

There is no climax, no resolution. I won't even call it stress. That is unfair. That is a mere excuse.

The track shifts to number 9 "My Beautiful Woman". A quick smooth slick beat follows.

Shifting shadows of tree leaves from the backyard's tall tree plays around the blinders.

I dance a step or two, mindful of this observation and typing it. Something about that song. If the title says it all, there must be something wrong with my system. I dance to the tune that expresses desire of a woman??? There is something wrong.

I sip cold Hershey's milk chocolate. I put back my books and readings to the shelf. I notice the plastic wrapper I haven't used...and have no plans in using them to cover my books.

Thank God I passed Econ. Thank God my reports, and our (group) reports were given much commendation from the class and professors.

I sent a clear message to Celine and Farrah, reporters in 110 some nights back. Great speakers are not born, they're made. (When you get up there)...your mission? Get response (from your audience).

The framed pol sci batchamate picture on the study table reminds me of people in it. I develop inferiority complex when you're all around me. So please, do not pull yourself down.

Farrah asked me to comment on her performance. She heralded her own report as somewhat mediocre. Now, that is something for sore ears and tummies to me. I move along the picture from left to right in that Galleria 3 shot. Some chemistry within tickles my stomach. Then it comes to me, my little word of encouragement: "Kung duda kayo sa sarili niyo, paano na ang hamak na tulad ko?" It was vivid and then clearer what I said in reply: "Hindi. Kung pangit man yun hindi halata."---as if to comfort her. I do not intend to pull myself down to put others up in the pedestal. That's lying. When I say you are good, when I tell a friend that he or she impressed me...I mean it. A lot of people who have interest in this fine lady, or other great ladies I know should read my blogs. There...be mesmerized.

Celine. sure enjoyed that short Ikot jeepney stint. When girl friends continuously tell me stories, the more I try to establish eye contact. Thanks for the energy. Too bad 110 is an exam away.

Marian, answer his call. Be the woman you are meant to be.

One of the indicators you've found your one is when she gives you chance to converse and spills it out. When her stories never cease and she taps you or squeezes you as if a friend. Then it hits you. This lady doesn't just care for you as a friend, she is willing to dig deeper. When you look back straight into her eyes and become lost in her stories, you just try but you know trying won't bring you victory. You succumb. You feel so light, heart pounds. If only you could say something to make her go on and take off her outer defenses in the process. If only you held the keys to her heart. If only time and space could bring you a tat closer, when shes doesn't avoid you and you don't fear her presence.

I've tried to give full account of this phase and my small room. It is hunting time in Siberia. Cool breeze enters the room. I should save on electricity and start using the fan. It's July. I'm alone.

And until that someone comes to me, I shall remain in the emptiness of my multitudes for awhile.

She is not my salvation. She is not the half-meant chorus of a song. She is one of them sparks.

Alas, the PC buzzes. Must be something from the Messenger. I wake to move on to tomorrow in all her uncertainty, in all her...(gasps)

We want moments of consistency. We long to be well-aware of things around us. We want to see the details and see how they work in our favor.

God be your favor. And through Him, you will never want, never be empty, never seek for things and persons you know are beyond your reach. NOt because you can't get to their level, but because your realm is simply in conjuncture with another's.

(Camera pans, moves out)

Straightforward proposition of a crooked mind

2005-07-12T13:55:00.000+08:00

Gay 1 said to gay 2: Ay alam mo kasama ko yung lola mo kahapon. Aba'y nagsiksikan ang mga pasaway sa tabi ko dun sa Wheel of Fortune. Aba aba aba, may black-eye ang lola mo. Nasapak kasi ang bakla kaya yan, leche kasi maharot at pasaway...charoz! Lam mo kapatid, nahipuan ko yung.... (the rest is not for my innocent readers)

I still can't believe I was sitting right beside these two gays on my SSS jeepney ride home. Fortunately, no Paolos were touched or harmed in this whole excersise of complete lesbian lingo jingo. I know a lot of lesbians with great personalities, certainly not these vulgar sluts.

Damn these sluts...damn vulgar sluts! Argh, hahahaha!!!...ahem.

Anyway.

For the faint of heart, better not watch what's going on with the Republic in your television sets. For those who think they can swallow this madness that is Philippine politics, go on...take the plunge...don't even bother to think if it is not in moderation.

Was listening to Randy David and Fr. Bernas over ANC last night. At least I was able to have a grasp from two people from opposite spectrums when it comes to faith and philosophy. Prof. David, a self-professed atheist, schooled as well connected with Fr. Bernas, the title says it all, also schooled. You see, if these people can meet in the end, why not the capitalist and communist? Why not the rich and the poor? Why not me and _______? Nevermind that.

Point is, there is hope, there is room for compromise, there is room left for praying, hoping, and wishing.

I was with Alyansa and Buklod CSSP in a candle-lighting ceremony last night at the Sunken Garden. Was I fulfilled hearing all those moving speeches, seeing familiar and then strange faces, smelling all that candle smoke that sure covered my nose and handkerchief with charcoal-like black?

Of course not. I stand by faith with works as a way of life though I know that is better said than done. What makes politics any different?

Was I content with all the soul-searching I did on whether I should keep mum and follow party policy or should I blog about this independently? I choose the latter. Besides, this is multi-perspectivism, pluralism, our ideals---so why not uphold my views in the open?

So should you.

I've always believed in a silent majority. What I refuse to believe is that this majority chooses to sit and pretend to be thinking. Please. I consider myself to be part of the silent majority...I hope I am though, part of the contemplating bracket. This bracket takes pride in being able to manouver history through history once it decided to speak and do something---French Revolution, EDSA 1 name it.

For indeed, it is the majority. We maybe the only ones left quiet though. We should not be like the crowd that watched Christ get nailed to the Cross like what was shown in that haunting movie starring Christina Ricci. They were the spectators, felt nothing but intrigue watching Christ suffer.

Damn us if we choose to watch suffering, poverty, ignorance.

Damn this university if we choose to be divided and blinded. We are this university, we are people of the university---the body, the ones who owe a ton to this great republic.

I just feel so spirited today about these matter of politics. So much so that I don't even care whether or not this blog will end up as a boring piece of directionless pointless craft or something more of a piece of art. I don't even want you to laugh. Most of my blogs were not really meant to make you laugh. Although some were intended to, I guess I just don't know how to make my humor work nowadays.

In the end, I have myself to thank and blame.

I just want to re-state what I so proudly stated couple of blogs before, in relation to what both men said. Want a cure?

Be the cure.

Want hope? Be that hope. Want to make the big picture function as you wish? Be the small catalyst for progress and change. Your smallest of small decisions conspire in some inspiring melody to create the song of your life---how is that supposed to sound?

My point? Don't treat high-level problems with high-level nonsense. The issue with this republic is that it has really doused fire not with water, but fire. How's that supposed to do any good?

So this whole mess is not merely confined to Malacanang, to leadership, to systems of governance. Oh no no no, don't think of it as such. In fact, questions on these matters are better left second.

Instead, answer the more mushy, cheesy, soft questions that lead to hard generalizations. Such questions like: Do we as a people have moral ascendancy to countryhood? We all discuss this in class, we just don't do much about it. Before we blabber about moral ascendancy to presidency, let us talk about our ascendancy as a people. Since anyway, we are the sovereign. Let us not make assertions without haste and thought. This is the pressing question, not of the day, but forever. And I repeat...forever as a concrete concept. Nations were turned to states in the eyes of scrupulous history because people chose to. They considered or may have considered by peace and war such questions as: What is our national vision? What are moral qualifications for the next leader? What social order must be in place? What value systems must the country subscribe to? What role do the small people have in this revolution?

Our people thought these were better left in the steeple of a church, the pulpit, the altar. Well, now they know these matters define countryhood. It is the political, social, economic so whatever order and condition that help create real consensus. But these come from a matter of greater importance.

Ask this: What is the condition of our heart? Yes, the cheesiest yummiest of all them soft questions.

I do not wish to mislead the reader or avoid GMA's issue. I think she needs to look deep inside and act accordingly or else face the wrath of the disenfranchised. I think she still has conscience and that will take her to breaking down point. When that time comes, I think she'd step down. Voices around her would consider it wise to let her free will work instead of force. But her stepping down and letting the wheels of law prevail will cost us big time. Her staying there and the status quo ensuing would just be costly anyway.

And of course, those 40-50 thousand strong in Makati now are united in calling her to step down. United in that area, but all divided in answering the question: what next? There is no alternative worthy of command. There is no head figure. Which gives the status quo a rightful argument...that for survival.

Besides, the number 40-50 thousand out of 85 million doesn't really tell me a lot of their resolve, their unity, and even their motives. How evil of me.

Then the third option is for her to continue while a new government is installed. Yes, the FVR, JDV, so watchamacolit plan.

I have a problem with this. I think I'm not alone in saying that a government structure change to a parliament or to a federalist one does not address the underlining need for social reform and consensus. IT DOES NOT. The Americans tried that when they gave us the Commonwealth...we were not ready. Now perhaps we know our own men and so we might find it easier to apply. STILL, I DON'T THINK SO.

LEt's not get started with the anomalous Council of Elders-like Revolutionary Government. Who are they? What are they supposed to accomplish? Does this move unite or divide? Who has the power? Where's GMA going to be?

Sometimes it comes to me, why don't we just be governed by an authoritarian dude and his henchman?

I guess we love our freedoms so much. Do we deserve it? Are we ready?Oops!

Or if we're really this problematic, maybe we might try them all! Let's cha cha to national obliteration!

Long live the monarchy under Queen Regine Velasquez!!! Pweh. Hehehe! I'd be the baron of Cainta anytime. Perhaps the dutch of Rizal? ahem...

These are some options with some shallow insights from yours truly.

I intend to let you decide. I myself am amazed at the difficulty. You judge.

Uhm, that's why the irony of this blog is the title. Paradox indeed. How do you come up with a STRAIGHTFORWARD PROPOSITION?

Why? Because we do not have solidarity as a country of Filipinos with a Filipino heart. So much for Christendom claims of our bishops....we are all foul beasts not worthy of Christ or even salvation in the first place. Hey, no one in this cosmos is. So I say we make ourselves worthy of some respect.

Address the grassroots issue and give the majority the role in shaping their Philippines. I pray no civil war leads us to this. We're still a young country. Too late is not part of our vocabulary. We are resilient. We are dreamers. Then perhaps, on a clear view we can drive to some future when order shall reign...

and important matters are not left to us crooked minds of the faithful some people keep on trying to keep silent or inside a church.

To someone out there: Hey, hey hey, sweet baby. There's a way. Just stand up and fight it. There's a way for you to decide on it. Never give up. Everything will be alright now . Oh your love...

Don't make them take away your beautiful smile.

---now how did this line get in here???? damn hahahahahaaaaa! (then sighs)

this friday will be a complete disaster, not only do i have to reckon with the thought of a flunking or say a pasang-awa grade, i have to do a Mike Enriquez in 150 hahaha....kastigador!!! di namin kayo tatantanan...

leche ka pao...leche ka ahahahaha! hay ang lola mo!!! charoz!

shete. =)

Just a reminder. At least I broke some silence. God help the republic!

I choose to die

2005-07-11T12:18:00.000+08:00

Heard the song "I just want to live"?...I think that's from the band Good Charlotte..

Well, let's just make the proper adjustments and say... I just want to die. And I'm pretty serious about this one.

But do not worry, this is not an attempt to catch your attention. This, as I said is dead serious. But as you will find out in the latter portion of this blog, I may as well like the kind of death I am trying to raise here.

This is it. This can't get any better, or shall I say worse. Am alone in an internet cafe, in a new mall...couple of blocks away from home. I feel the cool breeze from the airconditioner. I smell the aroma of brewing coffee. I hear depressing Japanese music. I see nothing but the blue and black of the PC in front of me. My mind is drifting from images of Celine and her naughty smile to thoughts of whether or not that farmer did propser in a very elastic set-up. Damn.

But wait, this is but another repetition of them vicious cycles of my bland complicated life!

I use this word once in a blue moon, but might as well lose all proper conduct and utter this word just this time: FUCK!

Feels good...FUCK! I've released the feeling of uncertainty. Ever experienced it? A time you can't explain how you feel that you just use such demeaning words to make yourself feel a bit better, stronger.

God curse me if I'm doing wrong. God, I just want to be true to myself.

There...happy? I said the word no one expects me to say. Convinced that I'm human? There, I've broken my proud armor and let down this slinger of a word.

Why do I act to prove so much to so many people?

I know, I am inferior and I have nothing to offer. Let's review this happy little people of the world. And by the way, I am feeling thankful and gay today...so I'm not depressed, I don't feel tired...I don't feel anything. As I said, I can't explain this feeling. I am suspended in motion.

And no friends, I am not ranting. I am not looking at other people. I am not even thinking.

I won't even say this is just a bad Monday, for it has been more than satisfactory. I just am a sitting piece of crap. For the third time, I feel like some fucking jerk. Have been a jerk, and if I do not take drastic measures, I will be for the remainder of my life.

This is just the moment of breaking. While I was in the jeepney I just looked hard in the mirror and asked: What am I doing with my life? What has happened to my spark, if any? I was asking this by the way with Farrah beside me and Celine beside her talking about the Ateneo rout by La Salle last night. Farrah's little art piece for Art Stud caught my attention. Celine's naughty smile made that wonder in me grow.

I looked hard into the stained glass-type mosaic-like colorful tragedysome image well done in that illustration board. (BTW Farrah, I'd recommend you to the SSP Council Lantern Parade Committee if you so desire to banner our college this December)

When the moth sees the light, it could not help but go nearer the flame...the flame of death.

There. The first piece of this death I am talking about is in place...rushing to the flame. I was curious...that's the first part.

That was the sign I needed to kindle my rather great but dull day. What was the revelation?

I am in search of an X for a Y. Since you all seem to enjoy my little love diary moments, I'd use that to contextualize =). And well, I like talking about it...or then again, not.

Last blog I raised the point stating that I felt the feeling of "selos" or envy on a thing I just would like to categorize as absent. I envy the absence of something or someone in my life. God has blessed me far more than I know, they tell me that. But I know God's trying to get to me for more. It's just I've mistaken a W for my X.

What is W? I go on a mad hunt for the woman of my dreams...and no, again, that is not HER necessarily. Can we just end this issue between US? I have a problem with US here, because it just pains me to know that I did nothing but self-destroy whatever that US was before. I go on a mad hunt with nothing to offer.

I am not a geek, as some women find hot...am just a lousy word player with a loud voice. I am not rich, as more women find hotter...I don't drive to U.P. because I'd rather commute, I enjoy Jollibee more than Wendy's, I love my flavor of coffee than Starbucks, I see myself as someone great but simple rather than great and all that. And the epitomy of all superficial things: I am not handsome nowadays. I don't have attractive features that just lure in the girls. ;)

And let's not talk about my "good" character...I'm beginning to question that in light of recent mishaps my stupidity has caused.

Women talk to me...or then not.

Women don't talk about me. If they do, it'd be about: oh he answered the question well, he must know a lot OR hey he's a good guy...a great family person...but that's all he'll be so why must I show interest in him? Quite frankly, that's how I see myself...inferior and all that.

I'm an empty book. God help me. I'm just a web of work, principles and mixed emotions tangled with whatever talent and intelligence I have. But inside, I may as well be hollow.

Clue number two. I am dead by the standards of greatness in this world. Which is something undesirable for a worldly person, and challenging for a deeper one.

Now the redeeming part. Mau noticed I have this habit in blogging wherein I begin with a problem and then I try to make it good with a tat of positive thinking. Mau, I do...thank you. That's what makes me look deep to people...aside from my glasses. I refuse to see the world in its surface realistic light. I'd rather be idealistic and see things work for the better.

1. My idealism is equal to a few. I don't think it is a weakness to live a dream. And I still believe that my God is stronger than other gods.
2. A lot of people say I have a sense of humor...I still do. It's just a matter of making the first move. What to say? What to start that conversation? Do I just errupt with a topic to someone beside me? Do I pretend to be studying and then do the moves? It's fun to think how.
3. Conversations are more of an eye-opener than a bore to me. Unlike most guys, I talk a lot when I have to. I love emotions, I love moments some would dismiss as mushy or cheesy. I believe in the power of literature and poetry. Does it not make it strange that I'm an idealist?
4. Upon closer inspection, I still look good...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
5. I still have the smarts...it's just that they're not only in areas gals find worthy of discussing. I'm into geography...of maps and states than maps of functions. I'm into politics. I do sports...haha, anyone care to discuss basketball? I think this is were I and a lot of ladies meet. To me, it's just a matter of projection and thinking better of myself. Confidence to back my bark with bite. =[
6. I have some dough...although I'd rather not talk about this. JOke, just a middle class guy.
7. I am deeply sentimental...profoundly in touch with my inner self. This leads to a very positive outlook in life...

Of course, the list goes on. Rania would tell me: Oh Paolo...see!

Clue number three: I'm dead to myself.

Let's solve today's puzzle. I'm dead in the flame. I'm dead in the eyes of this world. I'm dead to myself. Hmmm...

I'll let you decide.

Let's just say I lack the flame to pursue greater things in life. I had it once, just have to find it. I tend to think that I'm dead a person of this earth. I have not much to show for. But I guess, that makes perfect sense. I love to die to myself. I want to be honest to myself and what I hold is true. If that means sacrificing a lot, so be it. Think of me as a martyr for Chrtistendom, but heck that makes sense to me than all that economics. To me, if some woman would ever understand this dilemma of mine, she would be blessed. Why? I still have some things in me that can make her smile and love me for me... the good thing, I shall love her. The task tough is to find each other.

This is not a vow meant to be broken. When I find that X to a Y, watch out. I've been following the wrong path to self-realization. That's why I feel unwanted. I wasn't like this before. Thanks to you people, I am able to reload my system and reboot.

I am getting to that flame. That flame should let me wait and see if that woman does catch my flame and draws nearer to it. Contrary to expectation, I will not devour her. I will nurture her. For to me, just as God and others I love, she will complete me. I've taken great pains to understand why I have to wait for her. I've stretched my limits increased my lot in the the mechanics of this earth and I don't think there's a turning back. I've thought a lot...I've dreamt a lot. And now, I shall make her feel how much I value her. Question is: who?

Do we mean the smiles on our faces? Can we promise the world to our chosen one? No.

Now I feel something inside I know is better than nothing...JOY..

So friends, keep on teaching me lessons in life...bend me, make me, disappoint me, invigorate me, I'd be that Paolo you all have come to see and appreciate...and then some.

Repel me. Send me away. I'd like that too..I need to experience it. I need that flame to be fueled..in the end, I shall owe you all one!

May God keep you all fired up! I am.

Tulala

2005-07-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

Di ko ma-imagine na isang week din of acads has passed... tulala ako.

Water is dripping from my head. I poured ice water on my head...yes straight from the freezer.

I love the chilling sensation all around my upper body...I love the brainfreeze.

some updates:
econ was rather...how i should i put this? i really didn't like my performance. now i have an idea how econ exams work, and they put little premium on conepts and definitions type of questions...more on practical application etc...asar. eheehe.

mas kikita kaya ako kung elastic...ang mukha koh? hahaha kasi feeling ko recently ang kapal ng mukha ko hehe, not literally a

yes up won 69-66 haha good for you ust yellow cubs...joke! grai nung nangyari sa ateneo?

167 was great. hapong-hapo ako after pero the heck more than satisfied leaving the audience stunned and wide awake. getting response from your audience, after all, is the objective of public speaking. i really miss my glory days in the impromptu-speaking arena. oh well. reporting is well, still one of my strong points as a student, discussing is another thing pero keri.

mabilis nga lang ako magsalita...working on that.

cute ko sa pic sa baba! ehehe, that boy i miss....that's me by the way

christian good luck sa blogging

jason salamat sa pagsubaybay sa bawat blog ko...lovingly yours...ate charo hehehe

congrats sa ssp council at volcorps...volunterism nga naman is a path few choose and love.

bukas? 110...good luck celine...and ano? i didn't get that question but i did get the intention and i kinda liked it ;) farrah kaw rin...easy lang sa alta-presyon hehee

and the usual churchwork routine I have come to love. ayan, short and sweet....bubuhos pa ako ng ice water e...

pinagdibatihan namin ang political scenario natin pagkatapos manood ng Kingdom of Heaven sa center, although tis not really our business (or is it?), the church is still afterall, a social convention...an arena for the soul.

our consensus decree? tis not a problem of leadership, not even the system. so to say that she should step down, and then let's redo the system of governance by shifting to this and that is not enough, never enough...in fact tis a piece of crap proposition. this is a problem of each and every Filipino and every human being with a beating heart.

and oh yeah, why isn't anyone asking this question? why not look into the grassroots level.

why do the japanese committ hara-kiri? what did the US of A learn from Civil War?

and yes get this: the government is the reflection of the people and not the other way around.
this is no mere question of leadership. this is not a mere question of class battle...that's too much a tried and failed explanation by itself.

instead, this digs deep into the fabric of us---the moral fabric of the Filipino people. yes she is not morally worthy of ascendancy and probably authority. but i post this, are we as a people worthy of claiming this country for our own morally? are we indeed people of a republic?

if so, then why are we content criticizing our leadership without backing up with proof, and on our part, backing our words with bite? don't look at me, i haven't been doing much myself.

the problem with us is that we dismiss such questions as corny. yes, we think of these questions as cheesy or soft, better left in church. but i say, the lack of asking the right questions and seeking the answers has cost this nation. so, who and what now is corny?

what is my stand? mag hara-kiri sila! joke. ehehe! am confused myself. am inclined to preserve stability which some stupid person may jump to conclude that i am pro-status quo. tis not equivalent to that. but heck, i know legal ways wont prosper...that's why i ask

and no, i don't think the opposition is taking a responsible stand either...they're divided, manipulative, and taking advantage

as for the admin, they're being predictable. so, now do we think tis about them? malasakit sa bansa people...malasakit at paggawa. lahat naman ng lider corrupt e, ang tanong, sino ang may pambawing malasakit at aksyon?

so, now, u think tis a matter of form and structure? maybe we should see a real revolution and not a mere upheaval. sino mga halang ang kaluluwa ngayon? God help us

feel ko maraming mag-bloboog this weekend..mga wasted souls...come to me argh argh!
or maybe not...yeah baka kaunti nga

im wasted, i see only the comforts of my bed's cushion and my lis sis' stuffed dog named Tacky. Tacky! tragic i can't still be that playful with my imagination...coz i choose not to.

takte yan.
good day friends...may you find enough strength to party...and blog

While you were sleeping

2005-07-08T23:09:00.000+08:00

While my beloved blockmates, batchmates, and Econ-100.2-taking friends are either:

(1) sleeping...using the age old formula that somehow sleeping the right number of hours makes you more alert, more aware, sharper...and consequently, that improves performance.
(2) cramming...using the age old personal method to help justify our awful time management by saying we're busy...let this review thing bug me off the day before...which happens to be today!
(3) entertaining one's self... using the modern day guilty pleasures in forms of media and amusement to somehow calm our nerves before something big...what I call the tempest: the calm before the storm.

or heck, (4) doing something I hell sure don't know what.

I am here blogging. I am blogging some hours before my death wish combo meal:

A 2-hour report, plus interruptions from Sir Jamon on a destabilization platter with a side dish of an open forum salad of comments strips and uhm.. mashed criticism...and oh yes, please upsize everything ten times...just for the sake of upsizing it.

If I still manage to survive that gorgeous platter, can you give me a second course? What's that name? Uhm, 4 seasons of Economics! este chapters pala with cheese and carrots plus uhm, I like that cute toy that comes with it....they call that Cramma Jamma? Yes, I need that cramma jamma...I hear it's good for people with problems organizing their schedule..and yes...lives.

Just the right tonic please...decaf.

And extra rice...java rice...no make that garlic rice, I need some fresh air.

Make that an "order to go" please.

So eto, here's to Saturday! By the way, I had a wonderful Friday thank you. To cap it off, I'm listening right here and now to Backstreet Boys and Hale music...which is kinda pleasant to the ear...well...if you dig deeper, sentimental bubblegum pop. Whoa?

Bilis ng takbo ng puso ko. So napuno ang sikmura ko ng China Bowl dalawang bowls yum. Umuwi ako, I gulped in literally 3 glasses of milk and yeah coffee-milk (mocha to me) too. Kape kasama ng pag-aaral...di ako sanay e, bilis talaga ng puso ko. Tugudug-tugudug.

Salamat din Su Ann sa time and effort na sobra.

But I think there are several other reasons behind the fast beating of my heart tonight. No, not that I had a fine Friday of smiles, intellectual conversations for a change, and a lot of other intangible x-factors that made my day. PLus, there's 167...sorry sir Jamon, salamat sa pasensya...grabe bro pala kita? Spiritually speaking yan sir. And the Econ of my life.

Yoko pahabain to. I dunno, should I talk about you dear readers again? Maybe leave you a question.

If I feel real screwed, I will catch Fantastic Four after my 2-4 econ-enduro-challenge.

So ayan, all the best repapeepz. While you were sleeping, I was reflecting. While you were dreaming of some configuration in time where you find the man or woman of your dreams, I was daydreaming about a lot of things...uhm, yeah I'm out of ideas.

Nagseselos ako. Ewan? Bitter? Inde, nagseselos lang. Wala naman ako magawa haha, di kaya ng ego ko hahaha! Maraming tanong nanaman ang mag-uugat mula rito. I better not push it.

Life is about asking the right questions, more than having the right answers.

Papa Papao's Whopper:
Quoting the oftentimes branded shallow Backstreet Boys in the track named I just Want You to Know: " I just want you to know, that I've been fighting to let you go. Somedays I make it through, and then there's life that never ends. I wish that I could believe, that there's a day you'll come back to me. But still I have to say, I would do it all again...."

God, or someone like Him, be your answer friends, it's not always about you or them ;)

2005-07-06T20:54:00.000+08:00

ah yes...the darn boy I was looking for...what's behind the power of your smile?
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